I called my wifes "friend" last week and talked around 30 minutes or so. Got me very mad, but I had to find out what he was like. He tried to blame everything that was happening on me. I didn't love her enough, she could never be happy with me, we weren;t meant to be, more crap more crap more crap. Anyone else done this? And what's your story?

Hi, <p>You might try and read Redhat's thread. He just spoke to the OM (after counseling with Steve). While his outcome is not totally negative, many encounters are. Be aware and careful. <p>Here's his thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=015326&p= <p>Hope this helps!<p>L.<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

I emailed her a couple of times and left several voice mails... she won't talk to me, though...<p>...feels too guilty, I guess... as we were friendly co-workers before the A... she keeps trying to make me out the 'evil' one... <p>Cali

I have contacted my WH's XOW on several occasions.<p>The only thing that I ever got from her were lies though. Most of them pinning all the blame on my WH.
Ex.....she never contacted him....he always contacted her....lie.
She is the one that ratted him out every time they would start seeing each other again.
She would go on to tell me lies about things my WH would say about me.....even went so far as to tell me that my WH told her that we weren't moving back in together....that I was giving him custody of our children and moving elsewhere.
How they think sometimes really amazes me....lol...everyone....my WH included...knew that I would NEVER do something like that.
In the beginning I had alot of communication with the XOW's H.....until I found out that he lied just as much as she does.<p>I've put it all behind me now though....learned that it's not a good idea to call the OP since they will do nothing but lie to me anyway....and that makes it worse....since you never know who you can actually believe.<p>Fortunately for me though....I have no reason to contact either one of them anymore as my WH is showing me that he doesn't want to have anything to do with her ever again.

Hello confused,
If we had known you comtemplated calling the OP, most of us would have advised against it.
It will bring you no peace, it is a wasted of time and effort. They will lie, tell all sorts of bizarre things and just cause more upset.
In my case the OPs lived the lie, so why should I have expected any sort of reasonable conversation? The OP is not in a good mental place when they have affairs, so don't expect them to be sorry, to have guilt, etc. The conversations with them are lies, they hurt deeply and nothing good can come from it.

yada, yada, yada...<p>Two e-mails...<p>Of course A had nothing to do w/him...our problems to sort out...yada, yada, yada...<p>Generally I would say not much good can come of contacting them.

I thought about it. I had the phone numbers from the phone bill and email addresses from the emails.<p>I stopped to ask myself what I stood to gain, and what I stood to lose. Mind you, at the time I found out about the A my WW professed to have "seen the light" so to speak and had ended it. Did not believe her at the time (11/13/01), but I do moreso now.<p>I figured that there would be nothing for me to gain, and I stood to be emotionally battered yet again.<p>Yes, I have thought about doing it several times, but cannot come up with a good reason to do it... at least in my situation.

JABH -<p>Has she sent the OM the letter from SAA? The letter where she talks about the harm she has caused and that she will have no contact with him? If so, you likely have no need to contact him.<p>If not, I would certainly make sure such a letter is delivered. If she is unwilling, you should have a strong clue as to what is going on.<p>Trust but verify.

confused,<p>I guess I stir up some nerves on my posting. I will try to put the back ground out so you could benefit from it.<p>All our action we have to go back to MO, what do you want to acomplish ?. In my case, I am banging my head against the brick and getting closer to plan B. Steve sends me to do some research since my WW doesn't want to talk about A or any plan that she wants to do and even plan B'ng me. When I press on my W what is her plan if we sold the property, her answer is I will get a job ... LOL !!!, I do not know if she is telling the truth or she is lying to me. I am being pick as the source of her unhappiness, she might lie to me. She told me before that it is nothing got to do w/ OM ... yada, yada ... I do not know what to think, do I do such a bad plan A that she is reject me more or do I do such a good plan A that she is afraid even to receive some and stares at her A point blank.<p>Basically, I went and talked to OM to find the truth between the lines. I want to know which is which ... there are 3 people in the apt. w/ the same name !!!. I am being sent to access the damage; soul mate ?, ONS ?, escape A ?. Get also the story straight, WW could lie to OM too. See if OM is ready to take my place. Compare myself to OM and see how I am stacked against him.<p>I got a better prospective of their A.<p>I am not recomending anyone to talk to OP unless you know what you want to get out of it and you could hold yourself w/ no LB.<p>In your case, since you had talk to OM. You could weed out the excuse (justification) and the fact (your basis of plan A). WW opens up to OM, you could get the fact and check against what your W had told you. Do not take what they are saying personnally. Focus on the fact.

The OW in my case held herself up to be my "best friend" (don't ask me why but I always sensed she wasn't what she was saying she was.......I felt threatened by her) Anyhow, I had a sense of dual betrayal in this and always felt as though contacting the OW would have given me closure....We went to counseling and the counselor said that this was much like a triangle relationship and that if both of us broke communications with her it only strengthened the relationship between the two of us and weakened her connection to my H.
The problem was that she was also my SIL's best friend in High School (she bragged repeatedly about how easily she could manipulate my SIL and since then not only have I seen her manipulations but my H as well). Anyhow, every year since the affair she's been at my neices birthday party. I refuse to not go and to be intimidated by her and allow her to push me out the door in my favorite neices birthday........so we go. I have had little to no dealings with her at these events and it's always a little nerve wrecking being at the same place and knowing how each of them (BIL, SIL's, and other relatives) know about the affair but no one says anything, like lets sweep this in under the rug and forget it ever happened instead of dealing with it openly and then allowing me to get over it much easier.....it's so hard to be politically correct!
Anyhow, the point is, a year ago OW mentions to my SIL that she feels the need to have closure between the two of us. After 3 years????Come on!! She also told my SIL that the only one to blame is the dirt bag brother, my H, and that she carries no blame at all and wants to explain this to me. REALLY, that's healing! It was all 4 of us to blame, me, my H, OW and her H, all 4 of us had problems and needed to address them....I can see how healed she is because she wants to connect with me again. I asked my SIL, "Why after all this time? We are healing well enough without her..."
Honestly, all I want out of her is something I won't get and don't care so much about anymore, an apology that states she understands that we all had problems in this but she is sorry for the pain she inflicted on me....something a true friend would have done in the very beginning.
No, you don't need to have a confrontation with the OP to heal, just realize the kind of person they really are and then move on....God Bless

I contact xOW a few weeks after d-day #2. She was such a treat (NOT). She told me my H pursued her, that if he had been happy with me the A would never have happend, that she did nothing wrong and that H was so misunderstood by me. A few weeks later, she sent H an e-mail with a copy to me, and I called her to remind her that I had asked her not to contact my H; her response was that she would contact H as she pleased and there was nothing I could do about it.<p>It was not a pleasant experience. H says she lied through her teeth. I have no regrets about calling her, but then I had no real expectations of getting truthful information, sincere remorse or anything else remotely principled.<p>I have seen xOW since the end of the A, and I ignore her. She is wallpaper (in someone else's house), as far as my H and I are concerned.

I contacted her within 2 weeks of the A starting. I just had a weird feeling so I pressed redial on the phone. An unfamiliar female voice answered the phone. I asked for an office temp that used to work with H but had been fired a month prior. He often talked about how sorry he felt for her because she would always come to him with her sob stories about how hard her life was. Poor thing, gag. Anyway it was her. All I said was "This is Cheater's wife and I was just wondering why he was calling you?" She got VERY defensive, claimed she hadn't talked to him since she left his workplace and didn't appreciate my insinuations that they were having an affair because she was NOT that kind of person (but of course she was lol!). When I confronted him he went white as a ghost and claimed to be calling her (obviusly couldn't worm out of that one) just because they were friends. Then he angrily told me that since I made such a big deal out of it he just wouldn't have friends anymore and he'd never speak to her again. 2 weeks later he left me and moved in with her. The entire duration of the rest of the A (about 5 months) he insisted that he had never spoken to her again after the day I called her. After he dumped her she called me to tattle and harass me. Suddenly she was little Miss Chatterbox.

Longing-<p>We have SAA - I have read it but she has not yet. She has read His Needs/Her Needs, Marriage Insurance, and After the Affair. I just recently bought SAA and finished reading it. Once she is done reading it I am going to discuss the letter with her.<p>As for your trust but verify comment... well, I don't trust her, but I sure as hell am verifying everything I can. So far she is batting 1.000

I contacted her after H told me their flirtations (no affair developed here). I wanted her to know that there was no hard feelings (she got hired full time) and that I wanted us to be able to stand in the same room together. She seemed apologetic and understanding. She still gets nervous around me and I don't trust her any farther than I can throw her. She helped solidify another marriage's end. She still tries to talk personal with my H. She's about to talk her way out of even a working relationship with H. That would be good. H has had little backbone with telling her like it is. I think he just wants to be able to work and not make waves.

I wish I had the guts to confront the OW (my x-best friend and still next door neighbor). Everyone who knows about the A tells me I should, but I just don't see what it would accomplish. She would only lie to me anyway. My H still denies the A, even though he is now living there and paying her rent. What a joke!! I wouldn't even know what to say to her. When I happen to see her pass by in the car, my stomach turns and I feel nauseous...I can't even imagine what I would do if I had to face her or talk to her on the phone. She would probably end up making me look like an idiot and I don't think I could handle that emotionally. So far, I have handled things pretty calmly but I think I would probably go over the edge if I contacted her.
BH

Big mistake, just made me want to smack them both he lied to her and I filled her in on the truth and she still wanted him. They are vacationing in Virginia visiting his family for his birthday this week. All I did was bring them closer. He didn't have to figure out how to tell her about his children and his age, I did it for him and she didn't mind. Then he came over for sex a few times and I called and told her that but she thinks I am lying. He has her brainwashed or she is just too young to understand. He's 35 she's 21. He says he wants to come home then he doesn't but calling her is a LB and I wouldn't suggest it to anyone, you will only hurt more. They are just as in the fog as your WS and don't see the truth until they run smack into it. And when the little princess wakes up from her dream to her nightmare I am sure she will have questions for me and be the one making the phone calls.
Felicity

I actually left a message on the OW's cell phone voicemail on Friday night. My H told me he was having no contact with her and I found out that they went out together. I was just sitting here getting madder and madder and looked at an old phone bill that her cell phone number was on. Without thinking I just dialed the number and she answered and I hung up. About an hour later I called again and got the voicemail. I asked her if she had any idea what she was doing to his family and whether she could live with herself knowing that and hung up. I regretted doing it, but it had already been done. On Monday, my H mentioned the call. I asked what her reaction was and he said she was very angry. All I could say was that I didn't feel she had any right to be angry. I realize I shouldn't have done it, it did absolutely nothing, but my therapist even said we do desperate things in desperate times.