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#981539 03/03/02 03:17 PM
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I had a chance to do serious damage to one of my xw's om. All alone, just the two of us. He had that "deer in the headlights" look on his face. It would have been easy. But I didn't. I really wanted to though.<p>I also met her internet guy after the divorce. Couldn't do much there because it was at my daughter's soccer game.<p>I've lost a lot of anger over time. The om just isn't worth the time or trouble. I wouldn't pee on his face if he were on fire.

#981540 03/03/02 04:34 PM
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No but my very favorite daydream of OW is have her photo put on billboards all over THE WOODLANDS, TX with the appropriate word (you fill in the blank) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

#981541 03/03/02 08:02 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There is a fine line between the sane and the insane. We all have horrible, vengeful thoughts. The insane cross the line to act on them.<hr></blockquote><p>Z.. Apoligizing first [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I don't think revenge is that of man's, but I don't think that they are insane... <p>One of the things that I have often wondered, is how many BS take their own lives BECAUSE of the offending affair. Do you think that the OP or the WS actually take that into consideration?<p>I went to a BDay part today for my Stepmother's Father. He turned 85 today and he and his wife who passed a few weeks ago, divorced at 50 years of marriage, several years ago. He plainly displayed some emotions that she had passed and wished it seems that they would have never divorced. He missed her today. He has outlived all of his friends and his exwife. Sad to say.

#981542 03/03/02 08:03 PM
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I am the BS and my WH is the adulterer. The OW in my H life, actually severely damaged me with her words of suicide. H affair lasted for over a year. He had physical affair with her, and this is the OW 2nd physical affair. <p>The OW kept talking to my H on the cellphone after I found out for sure. I would go to talk to H and find him talking to the OW, and he would go ballistic. He would throw things at me, tell me to get the h*ll out, call me a fu*king B*t*ch. It was pure hell for well over a year. <p>She called me after talking to my H and ending her conversation with my H for good. She threatened me with suicide if my H and I were to tell her H about the affair. My H at that time did not want to be her dirty little secret. Now it seems my H doesn't care, if he is her dirty little secret. My H did at that time want her to tell her H that he married a woman who has had for sure another sexual affair. She obviously doesn't want her H to know, cause she is so afraid of the pain she will cause him. She called me 3 times in all, and the same was me, me, me, how telling her H was going to hurt her, and cause her H immense pain. She coerced me with suicide if we were to tell. I asked her if she had sex with my H, and she flat out lied. <p>Yes, I want this woman's husband to know what type of person he married. I want the society to know that this woman doesn't care about marriage. I want her to know that she has hurt me, the kids, and life here has been pure h*ll. I would like her to know how H has pushed me down, threw things at me, kicked our dogs, told kids he didn't love our kids, told kids to get the hell out of this house, my H literally went ballistic. And still occassionally does. This woman professes to be a chritian, I guess christians in her eyes pull their panties down for men. <p>Anyways, I know how you feel. My H talks about not be property. To the many woman out there, has your H told you when he touched your body, that your body is his, and vice versa? It made me feel good when H said that. Now that the WS had their good time with someone else, they don't claim to have you as property. My H at one time wanted to know where I was all the time, wanted to make sure I was safe. He doesn't want to know now, he doesn't call if I am on the road to find out if I am OK. The thing with my situation is that the OW isn't going to tell her H. She said all she wants is her old life back, and the security of a home and husband, and to have fun with her 2 granddaughters. So she is having fun, and we are having h*ll. She changed her phone after I called to tell her I know everything, sex, read all their e-mails, read all the sexual graphic writings, I know everything. I left this message on her answering machine, and 3 days later the phone was changed to a private unlisted #. I was calling for about 5 months and the phone wasn't changed, and now it is.<p>The OP should tell their spouse all about the affaair. I would send a certified letter to the OP and tell them you are going to give your spouse the information. How can these WS feel good about themselves, knowing what they did and to hide it? Like my H's OW, she is a betrayer 2 times in her marriage, and she thinks she can sweep it under the rug and walk away. She is one screwed up lady. Which she told me this lady counselor that she talked to only twice, said there is something mentally wrong with her. Mental illness runs in her family.<p>This is a normal feeling, and it won't go away until you have the caring, trust, thoughtfulness, etc. of your spouse. See, I don't have that, cause my H doesn't want to give this to me. That is why this is so strong in my mind. My H doesn't care about my feelings, or the hurt I feel. He can see me cry and just walks away, or stays at his computer. But I have literally in my dreams, kicked the OW while she was in the doggy position and my H was humping her, took their clothes away, pulled her hair out (H said she had a lot of bald spots), pulled her fat (she at one time weighed 200# and was losing weight) so I know she had a lot of loose skin and stretch marks.<p>Until your spouse is thoughtful and caring, these thoughts are hard to put aside. Talking to the Harleys, they told me I am having a rough time because H doesn't want to follow the MB plan, and H tells me and the MB counselors, he will do it his way and his way only. <p>Told H tonight he doesn't realize the pain a BS suffers. After a while of arguing back and forth, he finally admitted he doesn't know exactly. He can't, it hasn't been done to them. Even the MB say the same. It is worse than a death of a family. And I have had to deal with that in the last month too.

#981543 03/03/02 08:12 PM
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Husband2you,<p>Nothing to apologize for. I agree that revenge, real revenge, does not belong to man. It could be part of my point in that quote. The sane may struggle with thoughts of revenge, but they do not act on them.<p>And there is a big difference between clearing the air and revenge.<p>One of the things that I have often wondered, is how many BS take their own lives BECAUSE of the offending affair. Do you think that the OP or the WS actually take that into consideration?
And no I do not think that the WS/OP taken a potential BS suicide into consideration. Why would they? An affair is a selfish act. It is a statement from the WS that he/she does not care what harm is done to the BS. Maybe even that they want the BS to be hurt. So no, I think that they would only see it as proof that somehow the BS was deficient.<p>Your story about the 85-year-old gentleman demonstrates how much pain a divorce causes.

#981544 03/03/02 08:15 PM
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Thinker,<p>Your not alone.

#981545 03/03/02 08:22 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>One of the things that I have often wondered, is how many BS take their own lives BECAUSE of the offending affair. Do you think that the OP or the WS actually take that into consideration?
And no I do not think that the WS/OP taken a potential BS suicide into consideration. Why would they? An affair is a selfish act. It is a statement from the WS that he/she does not care what harm is done to the BS. Maybe even that they want the BS to be hurt. So no, I think that they would only see it as proof that somehow the BS was deficient.<p> <hr></blockquote><p>My H either said or implied in so many words that he believed I was strong, and I would be fine. It didn't occur to him how devastating the A was - he still doesn't understand. He thinks I'll be just fine. So no, I don't think it occurs to them AT ALL what it does to us.<p>To answer the question of this thread, I "scared" the OW. I called my H on the cell phone when he was at the hospital with OW. After they "broke up" the first time, he insisted on going with her to have a kidney stone removed.. "he was her only friend" (blecccccchhhhhh). After an hour past when he promised to call me, I called and ummmmm.... was very upset. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] she could hear me across the room [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Poor thing... this scared her.. She thought that surely I was a psycho wife that was going to sneak into her room and disconnect the life support or something.<p>i also sent her a text msg on her cell phone one Sunday morning when I knew they went to church and lunch together that said "Please leave my husband alone". That didn't go over too well either. <p>Moral? These things didn't help the situation - just fueled their fantasy fire that I was b*tchy and controlling. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

#981546 03/03/02 09:23 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by thinker:
<strong> It is worse than a death of a family.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I agree wholeheartedly. Our son, Andrew passed away less than 5 months prior to my kicking H out of the house b/c of d-day. As much pain as I was in for my Andrew, I hurt 10 times more from my H's screwing around. Well, NOW I can put feelings on an internal scale towards both occurrences. At the time, I was just plain numb.<p>Karen

#981547 03/03/02 09:48 PM
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And then we have to relive the pain all over again year after year after year. It will be a very long time till things are better...

#981548 03/03/02 11:25 PM
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I know the OM and avoid him at all costs so I don't hurt anyone and wind up behind bars. I could break him in half without trying, so I need to stay away.<p>Instead, I just imagine him in a full body cast with a catheter, a full urine bag and no one around to help.<p>Very satisfying!

#981549 03/04/02 02:39 AM
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To any BS out there who knows the OP is married and continuing to lie to their spouse, I say you definitely SHOULD tell their spouse of the affair. Think of the pain this person has caused. Don't you feel it's at least justified that they should go through it too? Don't you think their own turmoil will cause difficulty in your WS continuing the affair?<p>I definitely think so - they are not to be a source of concern. I wish HE had a wife so I could bust it wide open, I would love to see if maybe HIS wife would shoot him or have him beaten. Or worse, maybe SHE would break his heart leaving him alone to suffer silently, agonizing over what SH**T he caused. I think it's crazy not to notify their SO. <p>If - as in one post I read - if they threaten suicide if you tell - SO WHAT? That they are that pathetic in the first place tells you what emotional coersion they are capable of with your WS. Let them do it - tell them how! Sh**t, draw a diagram!! These people are to you as etch and sketch is to art - they are nothing. Hurt them by dosing their fantasy land with hard cold reality!!!!<p>HUSBAND2U, very interesting question. Have there been any actual attempts at suicide? Have any BS or WS tried, or has anyone read about a SO that has experienced this? I know I have always been self sufficient and never thought I could sink to that - until this happened. During the first few days of this discovery I thought about killing myself all the time. It was on my list of a reasonable solution to ending the pain. Strange what the mind can rationalize in order to stop suffering.

#981550 03/04/02 03:09 AM
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Hi all, <p>I don't post much lately, but my situation is somewhat unique, so I wanted to share. <p>No, I never acted agressively towards OW, although I wanted to. As BurningBright said, I'm so much above her in every sense that I simply cannot degrade myself to her level. Only once I let myself react, well 15 months after H came home:I found her cell# at our home phone caller ID and I freaked out, she really crossed the line! Sent her SMS: "If you EVER again try to call here, I'll smash your ugly snout!" As I expected, she replied: "Go to hell where you belong!" Since D-day, when I confronted both H and OW, she was nasty and made it clear she has no intention to retreat. <p>We all dream about bad things happen to OP. In my case, it really did: in Dec 2000, 10 months into EA/PA, OW was diagnosed stage 3 ovarian cancer (at the age of 31!), a year later she also lost her F who died of bone cancer only 3 months after diagnose. After 6 chemos and two surgeries, to my knowledge she's in remission now. <p>Cosmic justice? I don't know, maybe, after all it's her 3rd PA with MM (she's single, never married). And each and every time she wanted to divorce those couples and marry MM. How do I feel about her illness? Well, at moments I think she deserves it, at moments I want to help, sometimes I say it's not my problem .... sometimes I just want her to die and end this nightmare. Otherwise, she will always be around, just that type of personality. <p>After 7 months of separation, suicide attempt and 1 month of mental hospital, all caused by the A, H returned home 15 months ago, but since they work together and he refuses to cease contact with her, I can't tell we're in recovery. I harbour huge anger towards both of them - to OW, because she plays that "You can't leave me now" game to the hilt, to H because being a typical conflict avoider he's unable to draw the line, although he says he wants M, me and D, not her. <p>I realised that I'm in fact capable of hating someone, and that's my punishment to the crime of wanting her to die (in my dreams). Me, the most tolerant and kind person I ever new... it hurts, but I can't make myself wanting her to heal. The best I can is tell myself it's not my problem.<p>Adrian

#981551 03/04/02 04:25 AM
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The OW in my H life, didn't care about me, or the kids. I listened to tapes that my H taped of her voice mail messages to him. SICK isn't that! She says me, me, me, so many times. The OW doesn't care about the hurt of their spouse. They don't care about the emotional turmoil they have put forth to their spouse. The OW doesn't care about family at all. The Ow may have said to my H, I am sorry for your wife. It was not a truthful statement. More manipulation to my H about how honorable she was, and for my H to think she is still a highly respectful christian woman.<p>Yes, I feel the same as you Adrian. Something drastic should happen to the OP. Who knows, maybe something will happen to my H for his lust, and not caring about his family here. <p>The hurt will not go away totally. IF the WS is truthfully remorseful and feels guilty, they can help their spouse feel better about themselves, and the marriage. It can fade in time (but not totally) told by Steve Harley. If the WS shows concern, caring, thoughtfulness, love towards their spouse. In my case, I feel my WH didn't show the remorse or guilt. The way he talks to Steve about marriage and what is in-love and etc. The way he posts here on MB. My H basically didn't show these things, cause he doesn't want me as his wife. <p>It is amazing how a WS can actually tell their spouse how ugly they are. The body language, the foul words they call you, but when they talk about the OP, the OP is so wonderful. To this day when my H and I talk about the OW, he can never say anything bad about her. He gives her the benefit of the doubt.<p>This OW my H had, is living a life of sin. She wants to go back to her original life after the first affair. Her H knowing about her sex with a minister the first time. Now she wants to just put this affair with my H under the rug. It seems my H doesn't think any less of the OW with her coercing and manipulating me with her suicide. H knows she called and threatened me with suicide. When I was talking to a woman this last week, she said someone did the suicide attempt to her over horse boarding. After the 3rd time, she finally told the lady do you have life insurance? Is it paid up? She finally said, then make sure it is enough money for your H and child to live comfortably. The woman was shocked, and quit. If I had sense at the time the OW kept calling me, I wish I would of said something of that order to the OW. This would of shut her up, and let her stew in her anger, and manipulation. Then we would of proceeded with my H telling her H that she is an adulterer again. <p>My H being the OM, should be suffering in some way too. The BS seem to get the worst out of all affairs, my WS doesn't see it that way, he thinks he is suffering. He doesn't feel the pain that has been pressed on me. They can say, but they really don't feel what we feel. Maybe he will read here a BS telling of her pain and the difference of the loss of her child and the pain of an affair. All WS look at her statement. <p>Why doesn't a permanent big red A get burnt into their forehead. A warning that they screwed in their life, and if it has been more than 1, put a big A on their forehead for each affair. I wonder how the WS would feel?

#981552 03/04/02 08:12 AM
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Oh I had plenty of fantasies... but never acted on them. I confronted her on the phone very early in the A and of course she lied to me. I have never seen her in person. If I had encountered them together I have no idea what would have happened but it probably would have been ugly. I think many OP dramatically underestimate the rage and temporary insanity a betrayed spouse can feel. In the end I got the best revenge of all. I came out looking like a saint and she looked like a raving psycho. Plus My marraige is better than ever and we have 2 beautiful kids now. Nothing could make her madder than knowing that.
3 stories from my personal life experience: One of my friends came home and caught her H naked in bed with the town barfly who he had been rumored to be boinking (denied it to her of course). This friend was a totally nonviolent person. She said it was like she lost her mind. She jumped on the bed and started choking the OW. Hubby was so "madly in love" with the OW that he made no move to defend her, jumped up to put his pants on yelling "Baby I'm sorry, this is the only time it has happened." The OW got loose and my friend chased her out of the house naked onto the front lawn. She did then go back upstairs and throw the OW's cheesy neon orange tank dress out the window where she obviously retrieved it since it wasn't there the next day.<p> #2 - A friend of my brother's actually bit the tip of her H's OW's finger off! My brother witnessed this. They were at a bar and the OW came in. She wasn't with the MM anymore, he had dumped her. Sh epurposely came there to harass the wife, it had happened several times. That night they ended up yelling at each other in the parkig lot surrounded by a bunch of people. The OW was flaunting a ring (nothing fancy) in the W's face and informing her that the H bought it for her. My brother said the W suddenly lunged at her, grabbed her hand and bit the tip of ther finger off. The W was arrested that night but the prosecutor dropped all the charges (I think because he realized there were so many witnesses to testify that the OW had been harassing the W for awhile). And the paramedics were unable to find the piece of the finger. <p> #3 - A former roommate of mine was cheating on her boyfriend and brought some other guy home one night ( I was oblivious to this, I was in bed). Her BF showed up (he had a key, duh) at 3 am and found them in bed together. I was awakened by a bunch of yelling, crashing and banging. He literally dragged the OM throught the apt, down the hall, out the door and into the parking lot where he proceeded to beat him senseless. By the next evening my roomie (who was a total *itch) and her BF (who was actually a very nice guy) were cuddled up on the couch like nothing had happened.

#981553 03/04/02 09:05 AM
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Hmmm...I can tell you that my affair happened because of some pretty serious relationship issues. If my SO had been hung up over getting "revenge" on the OM I would have been like "are you more interested in yourself and stroking your male ego, or are you interested in US and what WE can do to heal this relationship together.<p>Luckily he chose me and working towards healing over causing more pain and trouble. Luckily he chose OUR relationship over HIS ego...or I would have said "see ya!"<p>Quit thinking about yourselves so much...it was probably thinking more of "you" than it was "the TWO of you (as in you and your spouse)" that got you to where you are now to begin with. More pain will solve nothing...because if you're just out for revenge than it's still all about you. If you think you're entitled to it, to being selfish, think again...

#981554 03/04/02 09:33 AM
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<<<Originally posted by TowardsTheFuture:
[QB]<p>Luckily he chose me and working towards healing over causing more pain and trouble. Luckily he chose OUR relationship over HIS ego...or I would have said "see ya!">>><p>Most of us have bent over backwards to make our marriages work and never did a darn thing to the OP, even when the OP tried to make our lives a living hell (which many of us have experienced). But we do have feelings of anger and fantasies of revenge (which very few act on). It's human nature.<p><<<Quit thinking about yourselves so much...it was probably thinking more of "you" than it was "the TWO of you (as in you and your spouse)" that got you to where you are now to begin with.>>><p>Excuse me?!?! The only people responsible for the affair were the one who didn't have the self control to keep his/her pants up and the OP willing to hop into bed with a married person. The betrayed spouse has responsibility in the marital problems. The BS is not responsible for their spouse's choice to commit adultery. There are many BS who could easily have justified cheating because of the way their WS treated THEM, but they still didn't do it. <p><<<More pain will solve nothing...because if you're just out for revenge than it's still all about you. If you think you're entitled to it, to being selfish, think again...>>><p>Most BS will never seek revenge, but we are entitled to our feelings. I had plenty of those feelings. I never discussed them with my H. They were my own feelings and I had every right to have them. If the WS could be SELFISH enough to *uck someone else then we are certainly "entitled" to be selfish enough to have our own feelings that, unlike what the WS did, aren't going to hurt anyone else. We've swallowed our pride when others told us that we were crazy for taking back a cheater, we've had our self worth and self esteem bashed into the ground, our hearts shattered into a million pieces, our lives turned upside down. We are "entitled" to our feelings.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: fairydust ]</p>

#981555 03/04/02 09:39 AM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
<strong>In my case had I been contacted and threatened in the same way, I would have responded that I understood his feelings, but that he does not own his w... I would have done him the courtesy of some insight into my understanding of the difficult place we all found ourself (if he asked), and I would have suggested he needs to work with his wife toward a resolution, and I need to work with my w for same, but that the nature of any contact between me and his w was up to her and I....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This all sounds like pretty good logic and may work well in a world where logic and theory reigns supreme, but in the REAL world of feelings and emotions, the world in which I live and work in on a daily basis, I think most men would have a serious problem with being lectured to by an OM. If your OW's husband ever does contact you, I don't think you really want to do this one, if you do, I hope for your wife's sake the life insurance premiums are up to date.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: F A ]</p>

#981556 03/04/02 09:47 AM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by veryhurtHarley:
<strong>To any BS out there who knows the OP is married and continuing to lie to their spouse, I say you definitely SHOULD tell their spouse of the affair. Think of the pain this person has caused. Don't you feel it's at least justified that they should go through it too? Don't you think their own turmoil will cause difficulty in your WS continuing the affair?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I contacted the OM's wife, and I admit that it was out of revenge, rightly or wrongly,I wanted him to feel at least some of the pain that I was feeling. One of the unexpected results of my making contact with the OM's wife was that after the OM became upset about having his cover blown, he said things that let confirmed to my W that he was in it for some sex on the side. Up until he called to tell me how "disgusting" it was that I told his W about his actions, my W was convinced that this man loved her deeply. The things that he said about her, woke her up much more quickly than anything that I could ever had said or done. Her initial reaction was to defend his actions and make excuses for the the things that he had said, but after a couple of days of simmering, reality hit home like a ton of bricks, she had been used.

#981557 03/04/02 09:51 AM
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<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: fairydust ]</p>

#981558 03/04/02 11:11 AM
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Informing the other betrayed spouse about the affair:<p>I did not inform the other spouse myself. I witnessed my WH confess their affair to the OW's husband. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>THAT was the only way I agreed to work on the marriage after D-day. It accomplished several things:<p>1. It exposed any future contact between lovers to increased scrutiny.<p>2. It demonstrated WH's priorities, choosing our marriage over the affair relationship.<p>3. It protected the other spouse from further humiliation, and he terminated a 40-year friendship with my WH.<p>4. It drove a wedge between lovers. She was furious my WH exposed her adultery to her husband.<p>5. The other couple began to work on their marital problems without the affair interference.<p>6. It enabled my WH to begin his grieving without a long, drawn out fog.<p>7. It was step one of a reconciliation process between WH and his God.<p>8. I began to see WH as more courageous, and less of a coward.<p>9. It was a victory for truth and justice .... in my eyes!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

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