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#982313 03/05/02 12:56 PM
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Would you make this same attempt to salvage your marriage if your spouse had NOT had an affair? If he/she had come to you and said "this is not working and I want a divorce" would you then feel the same need to save it?
This thread was influenced by the Julia Roberts thread.

#982314 03/06/02 01:01 AM
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Yes.<p>Fixing my marriage was never about the affair... the affair got in the way of fixing the marriage...<p>Cali

#982315 03/06/02 01:03 AM
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I have to honestly say that if my W had come to me and said this prior to D-Day, I probably would have agreed with her. As a matter of fact, I approached my W with this very statement when she was in the beginning stages of her affair, as well as a couple of months later when the affair was in full bloom, and on both occasions it was she that talked me out of it, stating that she wanted to work on making our marriage better.<p>Go Figure [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

#982316 03/06/02 01:06 AM
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The affair(s) was only a symptom of our marital difficulties. I didn't realize we were in such a bad state (depression, complacency, etc...).<p>I wish I'd have been put on notice about how unhappy she was. YES, I should have known, yes I should have seen the signs, YES, I DID ASK her if she was happy (she said yes).<p>I think that the A gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to sort myself out and to really find what's important to me. I'm actually thankful for that....but I wish maybe we'd have tried a little less horrible alternative first.<p>In answer to your question: ABSOLUTELY I would want my marriage if it weren't for the A(s).<p>Kev

#982317 03/06/02 01:07 AM
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JC,
I guess it depends on the situation. My wife's affair was straight out of the blue, we were getting along famously and most of our needs were being met. So if she said anything like "I want it over" it would be a shock to me. <p>Would I want to work it out? Yes I think I would make an effort. As it stands when I "felt" something was wrong and before I discovered the A I did try and communicate and help because I saw her changing in front of me. I tried everything to get at what the problem was, but she just denied anything was up and would just say "it's nothing, I am just tired" or "I'm working too hard".<p>Hope that helps in some way.
harley

#982318 03/06/02 01:08 AM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by J-C:
<strong>Would you make this same attempt to salvage your marriage if your spouse had NOT had an affair? If he/she had come to you and said "this is not working and I want a divorce" would you then feel the same need to save it?
</strong><hr></blockquote>

Absolutely. That is exactly what my spouse said to me as a matter of fact. He vehemently denied the affair until after he had ended it, we were back together and the OW called me to tattle. So although I had suspicions I was never really positive that there was an affair until after it was over. I wasn't fighting an affair, I was just fighting for my marriage and the man I love. I chose not to keep digging into "is he having an affair?" and instead focused on the other issues. I figured if we could deal with those issues then IF there was an affair it would go away when the issues were solved. And it did.

#982319 03/06/02 01:10 AM
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YES! Absolutely!

#982320 03/06/02 01:10 AM
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Yes, absoultely. Here is an exceprt from an e-mail I wrote the day before D-DAY:<p>We can spend the rest of our lives blaming the other for everything under the sun. That is poison to our marriage. The only way to begin fresh is to forgive every sin of the past and start with a clean slate....For every sin you think I've committed against you, I can name one you've committed against me. For every negative comparison you make against all these other perfect husbands, I could probably make one against some "ideal" wife. That is more poison. That is a hopeless road......I truly do love you. The thing that makes me happiest in the entire world is to look in your eyes and see you are happy. That is the truth from the depth of my heart. I can't put it any other way. I know you find that hard to believe, but that is the true happiness I expect from a marriage-to see my wife happy. Right now I'm afraid that you contemplate true happiness only separated from me. That is scary, hurtful, hope-reducing, and frustrating. I can't expect that to change quickly. I can't expect you to change quickly. <p>While I was writing this note, my wife was in bed with another man. The next day, I found out about her A.<p>I have been working at winning her back every day since.<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

#982321 03/06/02 01:15 AM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by J-C:
<strong>Would you make this same attempt to salvage your marriage if your spouse had NOT had an affair? If he/she had come to you and said "this is not working and I want a divorce" would you then feel the same need to save it?
This thread was influenced by the Julia Roberts thread.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Why not? I would have made MORE of an attempt. Because of the affair, my committment to recovery was very half-hearted because I no longer felt the same level of love and respect for my H. I probably will never feel the same towards him, but I would have loved him more and made more of an effort if he had done it the honorable way. This way, he has had to do most of the work to reassure me and to reprove himself. Not to mention the fact that I will never ever trust him completely again. I have never felt the passion for him that I once felt. It has never come back. <p>I think the point you are trying to make is that an affair was the only way you could wake up your spouse and I don't believe that. Nor do I think you had your affair for therapeutic reasons since an affair can only damage, not help a marriage. To think otherwise is delusional. It causes PERMANENT damage.

#982322 03/06/02 01:20 AM
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By the way, it's an error to assume that every affair happens because of a deficiency in the marriage. That is certainly not always the cause. <p>I found out about my H's internet EA after we had been married only 4 months. I didn't have TIME to deprive him. He wasn't doing that stuff because of a deficit in his marriage but because of a deficit in HIMSELF.

#982323 03/06/02 01:21 AM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong><p>I think the point you are trying to make is that an affair was the only way you could wake up your spouse and I don't believe that. Nor do I think you had your affair for therapeutic reasons since an affair can only damage, not help a marriage. To think otherwise is delusional. It causes PERMANENT damage.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> Isn't that the truth. God how I wish that my H had told me or given me the slightest clue that he was unhappy. When I asked him why, if he was unhappy, he didn't let me know sooner. He said "because I didn't want you to know." Kinda makes it hard to fix anything! Then again, he didn't start deciding he was unhappy until after he started being a shoulder to cry on for the poor OW about her mean boyfriend. Misery loves company. 2 months before the A he told me out of the blue "I love being married to you." Around that same time he also told my BIL "Things couldn't be more perfect for us. I have everything I ever wanted." Then I had a miscarriage and he started freaking out.

#982324 03/06/02 01:21 AM
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Yes, I tried for years to get my wife (WS) to pay attention to the deteriorating state of our marriage to no avail. Granted, I didn't communicate my disatisfaction as well as I should (in hindsight), but I tried. She didn't lift a finger and simply made lame excuses why she no longer had affection for me. I would have loved to have heard any acknowledgement from her that she was aware it wasn't working. Right before I discovered her affair she told me she couldn't have blamed me if I had gone and had an affair because of the way she had treated me for so long.

#982325 03/06/02 01:30 AM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>By the way, it's an error to assume that every affair happens because of a deficiency in the marriage. That is certainly not always the cause.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p> True. My H's affair was a result of depression, mid life crisis and his own selfish desires to try to regain his lost youth and run from adult repsonsibility. It was such a relief to hear him say "Can you help me to get some help? There is something really wrong with me. I want to feel like my old self again, I want our old life back."

#982326 03/05/02 05:13 PM
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J-C, I would have loved to have the opportunity to fix the problems before my H had an A, actually to even know what the problems were from H's perspective. He simply did not talk to me and when asked he would reply "I'm am just stressed about work" or some other conflict avoidant response.<p>If my H had not had an A and instead had said to me "this is not working and I want a divorce", I would probably be putting more effort into rebuilding the M now than I am. The whole A-related damage has simply exhausted me, and I don't have much motivation to be the one to raise our M from the depths these days. Sad, but true.

#982327 03/05/02 05:32 PM
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J-C I have to agree with what OneDay said. I had no clue, none at all that there was a problem in my marriage. To the best of my knowledge his affair began in the spring of 2000. During that time we were remodeling our new home, putting in a swimming pool, planning a vacation - you know family things. I still don't understand what was in his mind or the OW's. I know she knew of all this work being done at our home and I'm sure she knew we were going on a vacation together since she had said so in one of her cards to him. <p>Had he come to me and said this isn't working I want out I would have asked to talk about it. I would have asked him to see a counselor with me. I would have fought hard for my marriage. Now that I know of the affair it makes it harder. I have the thoughts of her to deal with along with trying to figure out what sent him running to her to begin with. <p>So yes I would have fought for our marriage and it would have been much easier without this blonde roadblock in my way.

#982328 03/05/02 06:09 PM
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Yes, I did ... I did try to get her to conseling but she pushed me ... The different is I wish I know MB waaaaaay back then.

#982329 03/05/02 07:29 PM
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Hmmmm...neither of us would have asked for help...call it silly pride, anti-whiner mode, too many years being independent, but for us, asking for help was just not something we did. It would have been....embarrassing...if that makes sense.<p>20/20 hindsight..because we both had this need to always appear strong in each others eyes, our communication would not have revealed much either...certainly kepted the A hidden until the last second! Unfortunately, the A is the only 2X4 that probably would've worked.
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#982330 03/05/02 07:45 PM
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J-C,<p>Of course I would! I love her and I care about her. Whether or not there was an affair wouldn't have changed my desire to make this work. In fact, I wish she would have come to me beforehand and told me something was wrong. It would have saved us (and me) a lot of misery.<p>-HD

#982331 03/05/02 08:16 PM
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Well, I was trying to save my M almost from the day it began. I didn't give up until I got ahold of a cell phone bill he got all squirelly about (probably a couple months after his A began). Then I knew there was no point anymore. Either he was having an A or trying to make me think he was. Either way, I just couldn't take any more of his emotional cruelty and torture, and I went into withdrawal.

#982332 03/06/02 12:34 AM
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In my previous marriage I put a lot of effort into salvaging our marriage. When he would not seek help with me I sought it alone. He was never open or receptive to it. In ’93 I left him and filed for divorce. We reconciled because he promised me the moon. After about two months of joint counseling and things getting a little better he announced that it was all hogwash. We were ‘healed’. In the end I left. Or did he push me out the door? It was both. It was a horrible marriage. I had to leave to save my and our son’s sanity. <p>As for my current marriage I thought I was working on it with all I had from before we were even engaged. He was just not there with me I guess. If he had approached me and said "this is not working and I want a divorce" I would have worked just as hard as I am now to save the marriage. The main difference is that I would not hurt as much. And I might not have found “Surviving an Affair”.

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