NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?<p>He's running up our credit cards being out there ($6,000) and it is obvious he is still lying the affair is not over - HE DIDN'T CALL, AND DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT. CALLED FROM A HOTEL ROOM THIS MORNING REGISTERED IN HER NAME.<p>I'M FREAKING OUT!

I'm really curious as to, how YOU know he called from a hotel room registered in her name. How did you actually get this infor? I'm very surprised hotel would give it out. What did he say when he called?

I know her name so when he called on call display I called the hotel back and asked for his room, they said he wasen't registered so I asked for her name and they connnected me.<p>Not really the point, the point is he is still lying.

HaS -- <p>You need to protect yourself financially from the poor decisions he is making -- I recommend that you call your attorney immediately.<p>Obviously the A is not over, and he's lying to you. He wanted to come home, and you struggled with it. You went to counseling and he made you promises.<p>This has got to be one of the most incredibly painful experiences. I hope a BS can give you some good advice on how to continue hoping and working on your marriage in spite of your husband continuing his affair and lying to you.<p>I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Hopefulandsad~<p>I don't know much regarding your situation, however the little reading I did do you mentioned he was willing and agreeable to conditions you set before he moved back in. He has step on your boundaries with no respect to them. Now is the time start Plan "B" and also cancel any credit cards with your name on them. These are things he will miss and really upset him, because you will be blamed for messing up his fun with the OW. You don't need to enable his affair. <p>I am not trying to be mean to you, it breaks my heart to see how much pain his has caused you. One day home and he spents a night with the OW. <p>Only you can decide how much you can take.<p>If you then decide at a later date to rebuild your marriage I would suggest not to let him move back home until you know the affair really is over. Only he can do that, his decision to end it. <p>best wishes,
bighope

do i let him stay till he finds a place - he is very irresponsible with money. He keepsa saying he'll play by the rules but we all know that's not possible

Hi H & S,<p>I'm terribly sorry for how he is acting on first day back home. Seems he truly isn't ready for recovery, and he's demonstrating it with this very disrespectful act.<p>If you are still in Plan A, which I assume you are, when you talk to him again please remember no disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts. You can communicate to him your dissapointment <understatement> regarding his backsliding, but do your very best not to LB, Hon. It'll be very hard.<p>Geeeez!!! $6K??? Another word of advice is to document everything financial where your H is spending on OW. In some States, regardless of "No-Fault D" or not, you can re-coup any moneys used outside the Marriage that was spent on an OP.<p>You are in my prayers.<p>Strength to you, H & S.<p>Love,
Jo

Hi Hopefulandsad:<p>I don't post often anymore but I can't sleep tonight and thought I might see how everyone is doing on MB....much the same...so many new MBers...so much hurt...and but your post struck a cord in me and I felt I had to reply.<p>I think one of the things we BS have trouble with is underestimating how difficult the lure of the OW is...even with the best of resolve...and learning to live with the disappointment of their failure. But time does take care of this...but don't expect it ever to be a one time...quick..end...there will be backslides and at times you'll think it will never be over. You just have to remain constant in your resolve that this marriage can be healed...and one backslide ...or two or three..isn't going to be the end of it. In the end, your constancy will reap it's reward.<p>For a long time my life was one long revolving door...with WS running in and out of it...back and forth to OW. But the time did come when he was ready to end it and he did...and now I have no doubt that it is finished and he is where he wants to be...at home at last. It was worth the wait...and the whole process was very painful..until I realized that until I was willing to let him choose what he wanted...he could never choose either. <p>I just wanted to tell you that there will be an end...just hang in there...have hope that things can change...for they can.<p>Faye

Dear Hopefulandsad,<p>Your H's actions are part of why this A thing is going to wear him out. Part of his recovery may be to let him fall flat on his face. Hard to hear but if he is not responding to your acts of kindness then further acts of kindness is not going to help him. Be kind and loving but not accomodating. Take a look at plan B. Read love must be tough. Learn to see where you are and where you and your H need to be. Then figure out twher eyou need ot be until he is ready to be with you. <p>Here's a real life example: Last year, I got what sounded like a suicide call from H. Hm..... I called the 911 and they got ahold of him on his cell and found him in a hotel just down the street from where I worked. AT the time I was heading towards another city to pick up our child from day care. The traffic back to work was bad so I could not turn around. AT the same time I was racing the clock to pick up our child. <p>Well H said he was not suicidal (though he and OW were having disagreements in room - yuck). I just get sick thinking about it. Anyway the police came (the OW had split by then....so much for loyalty and then she called to harrass me). The police were able to calm him down and let him go on his own. At the time, my primary concerns were his safety and that of our child. Our baby sitter stayed with me until H said he was ok. Of course he was bitterly angry for my calling 911 but how was I to know? Remember I am NOT including in their stupid A conversations. I reminded him of that. Ok.....now many months later, I learn that maybe just maybe the OW chose that motel as a show of her own that she owned H and could show up somewhere near me. See OW lives about 40 miles from our home but about 10 miles from my work. She had many other hotels to choose from but she choose the one down the street from my office. <p>Woman's thinking? Yea, I know what she was doing and she has done it several times in other things since then. See what I mean about you knowing how they operate you can use that to your advantage but you have to have a calm heart and a clear mind to do so. <p>Pray for both and then think carefully about what you need to do next. That will help lessen the panic attacks. <p>Take Care,
L.