Hello:<p>This is my 3rd posting since january 8th. I need help really badly please help me I am in so much pain and I am not able to live anymore.
I am 37 , married 10 years with two kids 8 and 5.
Here is what has happened: found out about my wifes affair in january 8th and as you all know it is the most sole crushing and humiliating experince any one can face. she said she was sorry and it was a stupid mistake and....so we went through some therapy both alone and together.(They weren't much help in my opinion, this web site is more helpful than anything I know of and it is free).
Since the OM lives a few blocks away from us and is a stay at home dad and some part time worker somewhere.. I figured there is no way I could stop these two contacting each other again. it is killing me to say this but it is so convienent for them to see each other and that hurts.
so I put our house in market so we can move to another state.while the house is in the market and nobody is buying it I start getting the usual hang up calls and her putting excessive make up on again. I confront her and she denys again. she never talked much about this affair even during therapy. she always down played it like it was not a big deal .Any way , we are back to square one , she lies and denys and I suffer and try to spy.
Because of all of this I have lost my ability to function and run my business and as a result everything is going down the drain. I am losing everything I have worked for and more. GOD I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN YOU WOULDN"T BELIVE>
I bought us expensive brand new home and just before her affiar I bought a brand new Luxury car , tennis club membership and more....so she had it all .
she has never worked since she has met me although I must give her a huge credit for staying home and taking care of our kids. But that doesn't justify what she is doing to me.<p>Here is my problem: I am in so much pain and I am broke and can't even leave her and get my own place. Frankly I don't want to move out because I know that sick [censored] is going to make himself comfortable at my house!!
I am stuck in this Nightmare and it is not going away and it hurts so bad that I can't even cry or releave my anger and pain. my life is ruined and I don't know what to do anymore because this pain is just killing me.
I have to live with her because of my kids and she knows that and she know I don't have the strength to leave her so therefore she stabs me more and more.. God is punishing me and I don't know what I ever have done to anyone to deserve this. Please some body help and show me a way out I must go to plan B but right now everything and every road is blocked.
I think and think and there is no way out! I am traped in this cage and getting bit by this desease and creature ... Please some body help me end this nightmare.
I lost my father less than a year ago and by no means to desrespect his sole, this pain is compareable to that of my fathers passing. I would appreciate your comments and guidence specially from men who have been through this type nighmare.<p>Thank you for reading my desperate cry for help.
Sincerely,
Bleeding [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I am not an expert, and am very new to this forum. My own M is not is a very good state right now either - but I do know your pain. I am really sorry for your pain.
My advice is to not do anything rash right now. Keep your head and think about the consequences of your actions before you take them. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything, especially leave your house. If you do go the path of divorce, right now, your W is at fault, if you leave the house she could say you deserted her - and then she could get the upperhand. Try to document the affair.
Hang in there, and remember you are strong. You are the one trying to fix the relationship. You will get over this, with her or without. <p>Good Luck

Bleeding I am sorry that you are in such pain. I know this type of pain all to well I have and am going through the same pain. I found out about my wife's affaira about a year ago and we are now seperated and I have custody of the kids. I found strength every time I looked at my kids. You have to take care of yourself in order to be there for your children. Please be strong your kids are counting on you. If you ever want to just talk my email is <p>C_grilo@hotmail.com<p>This whole experience is heart wrenching. Focus on your kids and The first thing you have to ask yourself is do you want to save your marrige or has your wife taken it beyond that point. Don't hang in limbo the pain will never go away. <p>Carl<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: Carl ]</p>

Bleeding;
All of us here feel for you and offer our support. We've all gone through similar pain, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it will get better.
Get a hold of the Harley books, start reading them, post here, and get counseling. The pain WILL begin to ease, and there is a way out. Be strong!

Bleeding,<p>I found out about my W's A a year ago. I could not believe this was happening to me, but it did. I felt the way you are feeling now, as well as a lot of other BS's out there. <p>As time went on, I went from hurt to angry, and now I am on to healing. I still live in the same house with W and my boys. I gave her D papers last Nov. I tried everything to have W work on our M, but she did not want to try anymore. She told me this as well.<p>I agree on the replies you have received. Take care of yourself and kids. This is number one. Your kids need you. My W thinks she is 17 years old again and thinks she can do whatever she wants. <p>REMEMBER - Life goes on! Everything gets better! I have learned a lot since this whole ordeal started, but it's time for me to move on. As much as it hurts, no one should live this way.<p>Take care and good luck!<p>Dino

{{{{{{{bleeding}}}}}}}}<p>The emotions you are experiencing have been felt by myself and many others participating in this forum. You are not alone and stop acting like it. Please find WAT's (worthatry) Quick Start Guidelines for the Betrayed Spouse. I've never tried to provide a link in my posts before but I'll try to show you how to get there below:<p>WAT's Quick Start Guide<p>The last thing you need to be doing now is losing it. Pull yourself together and get help. It doesn't do your family any good to see you this way. This attitude will only serve to push or drive your W further away from you and the children will not like it either. They still depend on you as a provider and a leader in the family. Don't make yourself look bad.<p>You also don't sound like a Plan B candidate yet either. You need to do some more work on developing your Plan A. I understand the pain you are feeling right now. I know it's not fair. You need to re-evaluate what you've done so far to improve your marriage and I don't read that you've done enough yet. This is why I recommend you get some professional help from people who work on moving forward in a marriage rather than revisiting past mistakes.<p>Don't confront your W anymore about the A and do not confront the suspected OM. Get help on developing a plan to move forward. Obviously, the counseling you had before didn't help. Try the Marriage Builders family (Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers). They can give you and your W (if she chooses to participate) some guidelines to follow that will help you repair your relationship in your marriage. If counseling with them does not at least repair your marriage, you will become a better person, father, and husband with the knowledge they will share with you.<p>One of the Harleys' favorite quotes is, "Do not try to teach unless there is a student in the room." You need to understand that you can not force your W to change. Rather, she has to come to like the changes she sees in you. What can you do to become a more attractive spouse? This will also help you to like yourself better.<p>Good luck to you. Please pull it together. You obviously are a smart and successful business man. Use that skill now to develop a plan to repair the marriage. However, do not try to drag your W kicking and screaming into your Plan. It won't work that way.<p>Also, try to read-up on posts about POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) You'll find that this guideline will go a long ways to improving your relationship.<p>Blessings and peace to you and your family.
HoFS<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</p>

Hello Bleeding,
First off, ((hugs)). I am so sorry this is happening to you. Something like this you just don't see it coming. When it comes, man oh man, what a jolt. It seems to destroy you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. <p>I have not posted in a while and stopped a few months ago. My H has had multiple A's (all PA & EA). After 10 years of this I guess you can say I've become numb. His last one (2001) finally did the deed. I have gone into plan B since then. We've tried plan Aing for a long time. Was kicked into plan B and trying our best to avoid plan D these days. Hard! I'm not completely innocent. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I had a PA&EA myself 4 years ago (1998). So, I've experienced both sides of the fence. <p>The beginning stages are always the hardest. You don't think you'll ever get through it. You've lost all the confidence in yourself as well as your M. Plan A is the first goal. Read as much as you can on this site and get the books. You have to first get yourself in a place where you can trust yourself to know that no matter what, you will be okay. <p>I don't think you should focus on leaving right now. If you want your marriage to work...and not because of the kids and being "broke"....then you've made your first choice and first step. Everyday the pain gets less and less. You may need time to think and get your wits about you though. Try not to LB at all cost right now. That takes a good mind set. So, take some time to put your "plan of attack" together and then act. So, maybe finding time to yourself for a few days could do you some good. <p>Before this gets too long, I'll end here. It is thunderstorming here and our area has a high risk of power outtages. So, continue with MB. You will meet alot of people here and with big hearts. The advice isn't bad either [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Hang in there. (((big hug)))<p>Clouds<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: INTHECLOUDS320 ]</p>

I know exactly where you are at. It is more painful than anyone can imagine. People will tell you to get over it, work on yourself, be strong for your kids, etc. If you are like me, those words seemed hollow and were of little help. But they are all true! Its just hard to see right now. The good news is that you can get through it and will.<p>If you havent already done so, See a doctor - likely depression is rampant and you do not even know it. A great weight was lifted from me when I went on meds. See a counselor, it can help. Seek God - read your bible, pray and ask for his help and strength. Get to your church and talk to the pastor or someone you can trust. You need people to talk to. <p>I understand your pain - I am in the middle of the same thing. I will pray for you!

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. In my opinion you need to obtain clear evidence that she is still cheating before you take any further action. Don't bother aking her if she is still seeing the OM she will only deny it. Get a voice activated recorder and attach it to the telephone line where it cannot be discovered. If the evidence shows that she is still in contact
close your joint account,delist her name from your credit cards and then present her with the evidence and divorce papers. I can assure you that this will wake her up to the fact that you are serious. If your area allows for suing for alienation of affection bring a lawsuit against this OM. The result will be that this OM will tell your wife to stay away from him. You need to get back the control over your life. As things stand right now you don't really have a marriage. Talk to an attorney and find out what your options are.If you need funds sell your new car and your home at a lower price than market value. Your psychological and physical health is more important than staying in an abusive situation. Go to your doctor and get a Rx for antidepressants. Go to the gym and get into an exercise program. When you speak with her do so in a calm manner. Look happy around her, even if you don't feel it.
In form her that the conditons for staying in the marriage is no contact with the OM, complete honesty about the affair, earning back your trust by telling you where she is at all times, etc. Unless she can show you that she is truly remorseful and really wants to rebuild the marriage you would be better off being divorced from her and moving on with your life.

Bleeding<p>When I read your post I was shocked at how much your situation and WS A was so much like mine. I turely feel for you. Everyone here has given you great replys and helpful instructions, I can only say with tears, be strong as a rock in Him (Jesus) who is our Rock. Stay focused on you and your childrens happiness, they need you bad! Try to keep as positive as you can about everything, seek venting with someone you know you can truely trust in. Try to Be around good friends as much as you can. Try not to over react to wifes choices right now. Wait to see what she will do and act accordingly. you can read my post in recovery last year around october 17, 2001. I must go now. Been going through hell myself. I've been away along time. And I'm fixin to leave again
Try to be the observer, take everything in analylze, and after much prayerful thought make your choices. It is going to be hard I know I'm still where you are! It just does'nt come as often as it use to, ya know, the pain, the visions, the anger, and I could go on. Talk to you again, take a stand!

Hey guy, I too was in a situation like yours. I feel for you deeply. This web site is a big help. I recommend:
NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE - if you do, you'll never get back in.
TALK TO AN ATTORNEY
TALK TO YOUR PREACHER/PRIEST/RABBI
GET PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP right away for yourself
READ THIS WEB SITE<p>She said she was sorry. My W never apologized for a long time after being confronted. She still wants some things from you, so you have a chance.
Develop a plan A, but I got a lot of comfort from feeling like I was doing something to take care of myself. I started exercizing more regularly - it helped the stress and it helped get me ready for life after divorce. I talked to a shrinky-dinky who got me antidepresents and a very light tranquilizer that helped me focus at work. He was great. I talked to an attorney - chances are your W has not. Get the upper hand. It will make you feel like you are doing something for your future, no matter how it turns out. Get recommendations and get the best attorney you can. Borrow against your retirement if you need. Ask a trusted friend. The attorney should tell you what you can do in terms of gathering evidence, ie, tape recordings, video, survelance, reading emails, phone records, credit card statements. <p>I hired a PI and that helped tremendously. When I forced her to get an attorney to go to divorce court, she realized what a leisurely life she was giving up and now she wants to reconcile. Well, we're working on it - nothing is easy.<p>Gotta run. Good luck. Pray too. It helps

Hello everyone:<p>
I like to thank all of you for taking the time to respond to posting. It is very understanding of you and I just want to say that I will listen to all of you and try to keep the plan A going and see where I end up. right now I am unable to stay online but I will keep posting. thank you very much to all again.
sincerely,
bleeding

I know how bad the pain gets, I've been there twice. Once when it happened (H's affair with my former best friend 6 years ago) and then again last summer when he finally told the truth, it was sexual. I lived a lie for 6 years, slept in the same bed they had been in, etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Unfortunately, many more will go after us also.<p>I know you feel like giving up. God is not punishing you though it may feel that way. It took me a long time to realize that through my problems, I grew closer to Him which is what he probably intended. It doesn't diminish the pain.<p>If you are not taking antidepressants, I would recommend you consider it. They REALLY helped me 6 years ago. I went back on them last summer and they were just working again when I found out I was pregnant and had to stop them. It's much harder for me without them, I dwell on things much more.<p>You may need to try another counselor. I ended up switching and my 2nd one was a LIFE saver. She's a christian counselor who believes in miracles, and believe me, that's what it took.<p>We are still together and it's worth it, but hard at times. I know the option of divorce would not make my life any easier, or the pain any less.<p>There are days when I just want to stay in bed and cry. It's hard because he won't tell his parents the truth so I feel like I'm being a hypocrite around them. I think they should know but he likes to protect himself. He told the counselor he didn't tell me the truth because he 'promised her he'd never tell.' Isn't that sweet, his vow to her meant more than our marriage vows?<p>You WILL get through this. I wouldn't leave your house. My friend did and really got burned when her marriage ended. I made the mistake of leaving for 3 weeks due to the tension at the time it was happening. All it did was allow her to come into my house and into my bed with him. This has destroyed me. I had to buy new furniture, switch rooms around, etc. and I still don't sleep very well. The different room will always be a constant reminder of their double betrayal. <p>By the way, she never admitted the truth to me or apologized. And I had been her matron of honor 6 mos before. Sometimes life is SO unfair.<p>But you know what? We will be stronger people because of it. <p>In the recovery forum, I posted a prayer of forgiveness which really helped me. My counselor gave it to me, and I had to say it many times before I realized that I had forgiven. I continue to work on this, it's not a one time thing. It's weird, I do feel better because of it though I wouldn't have thought so. It also helped me to see my weaknesses and the mistakes I've made.<p>GOD BLESS YOU. Please keep posting and don't do anything drastic. Hug

Whats up bleeding? I hope you,re finding some kind of peace for your soul these days. I have constant battles everyday. I hope you can somehow talk to your WS, this helps and can hinder so be careful what you say and listen good to her. I still have'nt forgiven my WS yet, and I really do not think I ever can, BUT I STILL LOVE HER! Anyway I just wanted to stop in and let you know I think of you often and can relate to what you must be going through. So, listen stay intouch here on MBers and post alittle more to let us know how you're doing and maybe help you. Its been 10 mos since D-day for me and I can tell you it does get better, but everyboby is different. I to have very bad days. Right now I just finished intensive probation w/ the law, now on reg probation, I'm on a "no harm agreement contract" with a mental health clinic, I go to anger and depression managerment therapy. I also will be prescribed meds prettey soon and have my very own mental heath Doc. Is all this going to help me, I do not know, I do know I need some help. Look spilled enough stranger, gots to get looking for a job. You just would not believe the problems I have. SEE YA!
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: Rocky ]</p>