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#995646 04/22/02 05:14 PM
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I've been thinking a long time about posting this because of the "lurking" factor. But after weighing all the factors and generally have it eat me up inside, I wanted to hear some opinions from my friends who have been through much of the same.<p>Most of you know my story. Just read my signature line for the short version. I've always thought I could hold out as long as I needed to because of the same sex angle of my wife's EA. Even though I revealed her affair to my daughters and in-laws over a year ago, she has steadfastly denied that she and this OW are nothing more than best friends. Because of this, I've always believed that this would burn their EA out and it would never lead to anything. They could never achieve a goal as long as their whole relationship was built on lies and deceit. So all this time I have been working on myself and have tried, as much as she possibly will let me, to meet as many of her needs as I can.<p>I'm now reaching a burnout stage. I have been counseling with Steve once or twice a month for almost 16 months. Tried once to do a Plan B, but either failed or just decided it wasn't for me. Steve now believes I should strongly consider the divorce option and not one that would be settled by mutual peaceful means. I'm to file for everything I can (mental cruelty, adultery, etc.)and to do it without any warning.<p>I'm not sure I am up to this. I fully realize that if I choose this path, I must be prepared to follow it through. There are so many reasons not to. Firstly, I still love my wife very much. So how can I justify doing this? Secondly, there is the financial factor. Kiss my kids' college future goodbye. I've checked, a D like this will put both of us in hock forever. My wife's career, along with the OW's (well, that is the one good thing about it [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ), will go down in flames. Our medical coverage, even though we are separated, is all through her company. Should I consider what is best for all and either keep waiting or seek divorce mediation?<p>Steve thinks that I must consider my daughters first at this point. They must learn from this as well. They need to know what their Mom is doing is wrong. I need to show them that marriage shouldn't end like this. He believes more in their emotional and spiritual well being than the financial end of it. I tend to agree with him, but I also must worry about the money needed to provide for them.<p>I guess I'm lookin' for opinions here. Like I said, I'm not totally committed to filing yet. But according to Steve and also my attorney, the longer I wait the worse off I will be on custody and settlement issues. Courts seem to go with the status quo in my state and the longer my wife shows a pattern that seems to work, the more apt they will decide to stick with the present arrangement...<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</p>

#995647 04/22/02 05:48 PM
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You are in a very difficult situation. I would tend to agree with Steve. Your wife is leading a full life with another woman. You are not. You deserve to find happiness and love from another person and show your children that one does not have to continuously accept being humiliated and disrespected and be a doormat. It hurts that you still love her but she really seems like a cakewoman who wants it all. You need to break free for yourself and your children.
You need to have someone love you the way you love others. Steve is the expert in this field. I wish you luck.

#995648 04/22/02 06:05 PM
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forgive me if I speak out of turn, but in the end the money means nothing. I know that sounds absolutely absurd to you, but in the end, as I may show, money is not the be all and end all.<p>I chose/was forced to leave an abusive/infidelious (sp) marriage for the sake of my kids and my own well being. I relied on family services and food banks, but I kept my kids fed and safe. No matter what you have, or have had in a financial sense, it does not equal that security of a safe place for your children. Again, sorry if I have offended, ever respectfully, Lyndy

#995649 04/22/02 06:09 PM
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I tend to agree with Bryanp. Steve is the expert on these things. Of course that doesn't help a broken heart much. <p> You have fought a grand fight. Nobody could expect more. 16 months, that's almost a full year more of Plan A than is advised. Nobody could fault you if you ended it now.<p> I wish you the best in this decision. And, no matter what you decide, remember that you have friends here. <p> jd

#995650 04/22/02 10:18 PM
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Pardon me for my directness here. I've been through a long Plan A too and finally initiated and forced a divorce after a three year separation. My husband would never have done it - just like your wife. Why should she? It's not like she cares about your needs or anything. She didn't before and she certainly doesn't now.<p>I could bore you with my observations about how long-term Plan A's seldom work, how few I've seen work out here in 3 1/2 years on this board. But I have a much more important point to make with you. It's time for you to invest some effort in finding out why you're holding on like this, why you're willing to accept this level of disrespect, and why you think your wife could possibly be anywhere near good enough for you. It's time for you to understand YOU. That's what's missing here.<p>Of course you should divorce your wife. She's proven beyond any reasonable doubt that she's a person without character. After all she's done, there's almost no way you could really love her. Love requires respect and you don't have it for her. So, what's the real reason you're hanging on and what do you need to do to get passed it?<p>From one that's now on the other side, you won't believe the relief you feel when you take back control of your life. Isn't it time to stop your self-imposed misery? Don't you deserve a chance at happiness? You'll never find it with your wife. The WORST thing that could happen would be for her to come back to you.<p>I know this is blunt. I am not trying to hurt you, but I am trying to provoke a change. Think about it. After all, it's your life we're talking about. That's worth alot.

#995651 04/23/02 06:18 AM
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AH - I can feel your quandry and I believe if there was an obvious right choice, you would have made it long ago.<p>All roads may lead to divorce, but I believe you need to take the one that passes thru Plan B. It may have a detour. Nothing to lose, right?<p>Due to the lurking factor, I hesitate to suggest more.<p>Dave

#995652 04/23/02 05:40 PM
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Distressed-<p>No need to apologize for your bluntness. Any opinion is appreciated here. Although I understand what you are trying to say, everyone's situation is different. I agree my wife only cares about herself at this moment. Will it always stay that way? Maybe, maybe not.<p>I still haven't reached a final decision as to what to do. But forgive me if it takes just a little longer. After all, my friend, it took you three years. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dave-<p>Steve seems to think Plan B will do more harm than good right now. I don't really have a grasp on exactly why. I'll discuss more offline with you.<p>Lyndy-<p>I'm not worried about my kids being in any danger. My wife is in no way abusive to them. The only thing we are worried about here is the emotional lessons they are learning here. Steve is afraid that they may believe this kind of arrangement is perfectly fine.<p>Bryan and JDmac-<p>Thanks for your thoughts as well. My counseling with MB has taught me many things. Although I know I contibuted to the problems in my marriage, I realize that nothing I have done deserves the way my wife is treating me.


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