Today is not a good day. <p>The Anatomy of Despair<p>I&#8217;m not sure if despair is the right word, but I think so. Despair, hopelessness &#8211; I know these are the handmaidens of clinical depression, but in keeping with the whole package, I feel helpless to stop them. I know that I need to seek out professional help, and probably a short course of medication to get me over this. I am spending more and more time dwelling on misery, picking everything apart, throwing out the good things, and hoarding the bad to savor over and over again.<p>I feel bound by everything I can&#8217;t, or shouldn&#8217;t say and do. The anger feels almost overwhelming at times, but I can&#8217;t express it, because I don&#8217;t want to scare you away, and I don&#8217;t think there&#8217;s anything you can actually do about it. Today, I do not believe I will ever trust you fully again, and I don&#8217;t know how to live in a loving relationship that way. But it is so hard for you to try and work on the marriage already, that if I tell you that, it will scare you away. You say you love me, want to be with me, and have our marriage &#8211; but I can&#8217;t help but think of how many times during the first week after D-Day you said you would leave if I wanted you to. Were you trying to get me to end the marriage for you?<p>The first week, you really made an effort, I suppose because you were so frightened and remorseful. Although you would not seek out any information yourself, you read what I gave you, and then would initiate a conversation about it. By this week (22 days after D-Day), if I don&#8217;t initiate and force the issue, it doesn&#8217;t happen. If I don&#8217;t say &#8220;Turn off the television and let&#8217;s spend some time together,&#8221; then the television stays on. I ask you to go for a walk; you don&#8217;t feel like it. I ask you to go the gym together, you don&#8217;t feel like it. I ask you to go out for coffee, you don&#8217;t have time or really want to. I suggest we just make coffee at home and sit on the deck together; you make coffee at home, on comes the television.<p>You identified sex as your top emotional need, and would like the frequency to be four times a week. I am more than willing, and you are sometimes responsive to my initiation. When we do engage, it is really great (I mean, really really mind-blowing terrific). But&#8230;you came home from a trip on Friday. I literally ending up climbing on top of you when we went to bed to initiate sex &#8211; you had not said or done anything. On Saturday I planned an elaborate &#8220;date&#8221; which you were thrilled by. Sunday, you didn&#8217;t really feel like it. Monday, you didn&#8217;t really feel like it, and went to bed early. Tuesday, I called you at 4:00 to see how you was feeling, and suggested I give you a foot rub and have sex that night. You did not seem enthusiastic, but said that would be okay. Tuesday night, you kept the television on and then went to bed early. I was determined to not force the issue again. What I don&#8217;t understand is at one point you put your arms around me and told me how incredibly beautiful and sexy I had been Saturday night, but that was the end of it. Was there a message there I didn&#8217;t get? How am I supposed to meet your needs if you won&#8217;t let me? Did sex make the top of the list because you felt it should, or is that a real need? I suddenly feel like 10 million men in America trying to have sex with their spouses and being rebuffed - it's just so damned demoralizing!<p>There is always an excuse &#8211; always. And they are all valid excuses, but somehow that&#8217;s just not acceptable. This week, it&#8217;s getting ready for a conference, so lots of work and pressure. Or you&#8217;re getting ready for a trip. Or you have to write some curriculum or prepare for a class. Or you just don&#8217;t feel well, or have gas, or have a headache. You are travelling more and more all of a sudden. On the one hand, I almost welcome it because then at least I don&#8217;t feel like I am making all the real effort (yes, you send me flowers and cards, and I love it and it meets my need for affection; I have an equally great need for honesty/openness and conversation which are much harder to meet and require more effort). But it&#8217;s not good for our relationship to reinforce just how much I am okay without you being around &#8211; it&#8217;s not the nature of our relationship. It&#8217;s not what I signed on for.<p>Boy, that&#8217;s really a telling statement &#8211; it&#8217;s not what I signed on for. I can&#8217;t tell anymore if that&#8217;s a legitimate feeling or not, but I am feeling it more and more. Our relationship is rooted in honesty, and the roots have been torn up again and again. If you could lie to me about the affairs, and I could be clueless, then I feel I have no way of knowing what else is a lie, no matter how hard I try to believe. Our relationship is about you being in charge of us, and taking an active growing role in knowing who I am and helping me understand who you are. That just does not even exist on your end. You are satisfied with the status quo, no interest in learning what makes either of us behave the way we do, what triggers us, what motivates us. But, if you were satisfied with the status quo, then why would you seek out something else at the risk of us? Do we have so little value? Is it really such hard work to have a relationship with me that you repeatedly seek the ease of an online lover?<p>This spiral, this rollercoaster is in full swing. One day I am so optimistic, and the next day &#8211; well, this is how it is. I know that I will not put my children through another divorce. They love you and I simply cannot destroy their trust and faith. So, on some level, I know we will stay together. I just so desperately want it to be because we are in love and have a wonderful relationship, not because we have to. I want to believe that I can be happy more often than sad. But, mostly I feel resigned to endure this over and over.

KS41,
I dont have any real advice, but I can tell you that I have felt just that way.
One thing I learned was my plan for recovery was not my spouses plan for recovery. As long as you can look back and see progress you are on the right road. At some point your recovery will be less about him and more about you. I cant explain it but for me the words Dr Phil said one day struck a note. He said "You dont have to trust him not to hurt you again, you have to trust yourself to be ok if he does".
You are still in early recovery, he just wants you to forget it already. Let him know that on MB it seems to take about a year for recovery 2 years to get over the greatest pain, although some pain lingers forever I guess.
You are not alone.
Lisa

I hope this article helps:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Desperate feelings
by Peggy Vaughan<p>
The emotional toll of dealing with affairs can be overwhelming - both for the person who had an affair and for the spouse who is trying to deal with the pain. This can (and often does) involve thoughts of suicide. This thinking usually simply represents a wish for the end of the suffering associated with dealing with the ramifications of this situation - but it is, of course, NOT a reasonable or responsible option. <p>However, "thinking" of it (in a moment of despair) is one thing; actually acting on the impulse is quite another matter. Any suicide attempt is SERIOUS - and needs to be treated that way. This means seeking immediate (and ongoing) professional help. <p>This Website is NOT a resource for the kind of help that is needed. However, we CAN usefully discuss the "thoughts of suicide" that are so common to those who are struggling with a partner's affair - including me. I'm not a therapist and certainly am not qualified to "help" anyone in a personal way, but I thought I'd share some of my perspective in case it might be helpful. <p>First of all, anyone in this position can be assured you're not alone and that as bad as it feels, it WILL get better. Of course, it won't just magically get better all by itself without your making the effort. It's a process of gradually getting more and more understanding about the whole issue of affairs in order to fight the intense emotional reaction to this experience. You will continue to have painful feelings, but you will need to deliberately focus on trying to think straight and gain more control of your thoughts. Gradually, your rational understanding of affairs will help diminish the emotions. At some point you'll finally have control of your emotions instead of them having control over you. So it helps to read everything possible in order to fill yourself with information, understanding and perspective in order to battle your emotions. <p>I do know and understand these feelings all too well. When I first just "suspected" my husband's affairs, I felt desperate and contemplated suicide. Here's a quote from Beyond Affairs, describing one night back in 1966: <p>"I'd never felt such total rejection. I started crying...as I lay there, my fear turned to panic. I felt alone and helpless. All this seemed like a nightmare. I'd made James my whole life, and now he seemed to be rejecting me. I'd cried so much my head was bursting. I went to the bathroom to get some aspirin-and wished desperately that I had some sleeping pills. I wanted to die. I made it through the night, but I was shaken by the intensity of my emotions. It shocked me to realize I hadn't even considered my children or what might happen to them. In the light of day I tried to make sense of my feelings." (At this point, our children were 2 and 4 years old.) <p>"Today I'm so thankful that caring about my kids allowed me to hang in until I was better able to cope. I spent years building up my strength to face all this. It was a long, gradual process of getting some control over my emotions. There's no way to rush this process, but it's important to hang in and work on getting stronger. These initial feelings seem to be part of the process." <p>In the years since I wrote the above in Beyond Affairs, I've heard from many people who share the same feelings of desperation and devastation. Part of that is reflected in the following passage from Chapter 4 of The Monogamy Myth, titled The Pain of Knowing: <p>"A person who finds out for sure that their partner has been having an affair is likely to feel overwhelmed with emotions - pain, anger, embarrassment, resentment, bitterness, and a sense of loss. Despite the degree of suspicion or the nature of the confrontation, no one seems to be fully prepared for the pain of knowing the truth." <p>I hope some of this perspective helps make sense of some of the desperate feelings that are so common among those of whose who have struggled with this issue. But with time and effort, we can all get beyond it. <p><hr></blockquote><p>www.dearpeggy.com<p>Cali

KS,<p>Although probably not of much comfort, I felt like I could have written most of what you wrote almost word for word. I guess like the typicality of the A itself--all the behaviors, excuses, delusions, etc., there is a lot of typicality in the aftermath as well.<p>I, too, sometimes just shrug my shoulders and have no idea what to do anymore, how to communicate with him or even whether to bother.<p>Tonight, for instance, there he was watching that Ed show, where the writers stupidly decided to continue Molly's affair with the MM (so I won't be watching it anymore). I just have no understanding for how he could watch an almost word-for-word version of his A. Is he reminiscing? Longing for her or what? It just sickened me to even HEAR some of the dialogue before I could manage to get away from it.<p>Once again, kids were around, so I couldn't immediately share my reaction with him, so here I've been all night running a script through my head to try to convey my dismay. I cannot feel safe with him if he cannot feel my pain. It's really that simple. I don't think you can compel anyone to feel something they don't feel. The only thing I haven't tried to get him to fully appreciate my pain is the storytelling from Torn Asunder, and I suspect the reason why is because if that doesn't work, then what's left to try?<p>I'm so sorry you're having the same difficulties. I encourage the medication. I've been on it since about October or November I think, and my doctor recently upped my dosage because I was sinking pretty low again. We have to go on and function for our children's sake, so that's what I try to do, but I am just baffled about my H's cluelessness.<p>Oh yeah, what IS with the sexual discrepancy? Mine said he NEEDED sex every single day, that he couldn't live without it, that I had deprived him by not making extraordinary efforts to initiate around our conflicting work schedules so as to have it more than a couple times a week--part of his blame of me for his A. I'm ready every single day. I actually like sex. He turns me down regularly. I wonder if it has to do with enjoying rejecting us? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

KS -- My tears flowed freely as I read your post. Your pain is so real and mirrors my own. I wish the hurt would stop. My WH will not even accept a kiss or touch from me let alone reciprocate. I feel like sh$$. I try to keep faith and I hope you do, too. Try to be strong for yourself and for your children. I am thinking of you today.

ks41&shellshocked. i think all bs have felt at varying degrees all that you both have written. i too am living the pain and long for the affection from my WW. i can't say when the trust, pain, and hurt will go away. i still feel it but not as bad. i try my hardest to focus on my children and me. i fail quite often but never stop trying. try to keep busy and the one thing that is hardest of all don't LB!!!! this has been mission impossible for me, but i am getting better at it everyday.<p>good luck and keep your faith!!<p>hopenden