HI,
I'm not sure what to say or how to start. a friend suggested I get some insite here.
I have been married for 20 years and love my wife but have never felt in love with her. We have two children and she is a good mother and wife.
Here's the problem, I work with a woman that I have become very good friends with. She is also married with 2 children. When the people from work go out we always seem to end up talking all night and I really feel alive when she is around.
We haven't slept together but both want to because we feel we are Soul mates that should have met BEFORE we met our spouses.<p> The friendship is getting out of hand. She has changed jobs but we still talk and see each other. The longest we can stay apart it seems is two weeks. But in those two weeks I can't sleep I can't do anything but think of her.<p> I check my messages all the time!! Even when home I will call work and check.
I really love my wife but don't really feel the passion I feel for this woman. If she said she would leave her husband I would (I think) leave my wife and give up everything to be with her.<p> I don't know what to do. I picture my children's faces, my wife's face and I try to stay away but I can't stop thinking about her!!!!! I can't stop! Some part of me doesn't want to because I've never felt like this before!! I'm losing it and don't know what to do!!

IT's YOUR choice - RUIN your family - HURT your children and your wife ---- or STOP SEEING THE OW TOTALLY.<p>There comes a point where you have to grow up and make a mature choice... Guess that's NOW.<p>It's up to you - make the choice - or regret the choice you make.<p>Jan

Been there, lived that, USEDMAN, and let me tell you... if you do go further, it will be the biggest mistake of your life.<p>I know, I know... I said all the words myself: "soulmate" "feel alive" "love, but not in-love"... and I said them because of a guy I worked with... and, oh yeah, I'd been married 19 years at the time. <p>Guess who got divorced? Yep, me.<p>I went through with it, I had the affair. Slept with the guy only once and the fantasy was dead. It wasn't anything he did sexually, or didn't do, I just felt like a whore and a piece of trash. He (the OM) wanted the affair to continue, and harranged (sp?) me for a year after it ended. In the meantime, my (then)H had a few revenge affairs on me, and... well, you know the end. Divorce.<p>Now, I am on the "other side"... am remarried to someone new. But let me tell you, if I had to do it all over again to get to this time, and place, in my life, I would NOT have done it. Why? Because *I* and my marriage was worth working harder for... yeah, we might have been divorced eventually anyway, but boy, did I go about THAT the way-wrong way. <p>I loused up my life, lost my job, couldn't look at myself, my (then)H, my children or my family in the face, because I felt like yesterdays garbage.<p>My only words of advice are these: DON'T DO IT.<p>You will, mark my words, REGRET IT.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

Don't do it. The pain you will inflict on your Wife and kids, not to mention yourself will not be worth it. Many who come here come to get help in recovering from someone like yourself that is having an affair like you. <p>You are in the infatuation stage of an emotional affair. You are already doing things that are not right for you your wife or kids and I think you know it. <p>If you truly want help, then read everything you can from this site. Read about those that are in pain, and see if this is what you want to inflict on your wife.<p>If you want to prevent this pain, then you will need to break off all contact with the other women. This is the only proven thing to deal with your situation to prevent the affair from continuing.<p>It is possible to restore love into your marriage if you follow Dr. Harley's books and apply them to your marriage. Take this route instead. Get them and read them, and have your wife read them also.<p>Good luck

Usedman,<p>You titled your post, "Trying NOT to have an affair." Awesome for you. You've taken a big, big step in coming here. There's no doubt in my mind that you mean what you're saying. And rest assured, there are very definite and explainable reasons why you feel that way. It's is also TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY REALISTIC that your family (I'm talkin wife kids and you) can survive this and come out stronger and happier than ever. I know that's nearly impossible for you to see now. But just know that there are a ton of other people out there who have gone through this and have made it through without trashing their families. <p>First: You need to pick up 2 of Harley's books. _His Need, Her Needs_ and _Surviving an Affair_. Read them, or listen. I don't have a lot of time to read, so I've been listening to them on tape in the car during my commute. You're going to, at times, feel like this guy has met you, knows you and all your secrets. It's strange, but great.
Second: Come back here often. There's a tremendous amount of support here. Keep in mind, you may get some "betrayed spouses" digging at you occasionally. Just get the good stuff. Keep in mind that there are more people here in your wife's situation than yours. They've been hurt and can blow a little steam at times.
Third: Focus on the vow you made when you got married. It's a biggie. You don't feel in love with your wife? Too bad bucko! You promised to love her and be there for her no matter what. I know that sounds harsh, but it's also true. And since you don't feel "in love" with her right now, it may be the only thing holding your family together right now. Think about it. Remember it. Focus on it. Your kids and your wife deserve at least that much. If that vow doesn't mean anything now, when the chips are way, way down, then what was it for? This is when it matters most.
Fourth: GET THOSE BOOKS I mentioned in item 1. You can order them here, buy them in most book stores or get them at the library. I can't stress that enough. There's so much in there that you need to know. Is there a chance that all of this will end with you divorcing and getting with the other woman (OW)? Sure. But you're going to be so pissed at yourself if you don't learn about what you're going through now. The new relationship will most likely end up the way the first one did. That would suck.<p>Good luck my friend. My family will be praying for yours!

Used Man,
Back away from her then run, to your wife. Treat her with as much love and passion as you can muster and count your lucky stars. The reality is that to chase after a fantasy could cost you plenty. Respect all around. 1/2 or more of your kid's lives will be spent away from you, maybe with your wife's next husband. The one everyone will think treats her so well after you were such a creap. She can now be happy, she deserves it. OW may not leave her husband. She may need 2 men to meet her needs for a long time. Have her cake and eat it too.
Anyone can be exciting and make you feel alive for a couple hours a week. How would she do with car repairs, family stress, and bills to be paid.
How easy will it be to budget money when you are paying lawyer bills, child support, and duplicating clothes and furniture at your place for the kids. Think long and hard about the reality of this.
Make yourself a better husband to your wife and she's sure to notice.
Good luck,<p>Dan

Usedman,<p>One more thing. Your wife needs to know about the affair you're in ASAP. And she needs to read the books too. You both have a lot of work to do. But I promise, it will be the greatest and most rewarding work you've ever done in your life. I know things seem cr*ppy right now, but trust me, if you make the right decision today, things will look wonderful tomorrow. Don't wait. Get your [censored] in gear and get to work.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: wld ]</p>

I really do not have any advice to offer you since I am on the other side of the fence. However, I have the utmost respect that you have realized what is happening and are willing to try to make the steps from preventing it. I hope you both will seek counseling and read the recommended books.

thanks for the quick input..even yours Jan Jan... I AM grown-up if I wasn't I would have left with the woman by now!! I HAVEN'T because I love my wife and children. <p>new_beginning
I'm sorry you had such a hard lesson. I REALLY wish I could stop it so easy.. I've tried she's tried WE'VE tried but... you know I don't even care about having sex with her. It's not about that. I KNOW what you are saying is true....but HOW!!!!!! I've read here a while but can't really figure it out. Just stop?
Want2FixIt
Thanks.. I want to fix it TOO!! That's why I'm here. "If you truly want help" I TRULY do!! that's why I'm here!
It's like when I quit smoking..... I KNEW I would get cancer...I KNEW that my lungs were getting harder and harder to breath through. I SAW other people with their throats cut open talking through a microphone!!! BUT ALL I WANTED ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HAVING A CIGARETTE!!!

USEDMAN,<p>I am a betrayed spouse (BS) so I don't think I'll add anything of my own here except that you have not idea how much you will hurt your wife and your children if you continue with this affair. It is already an emotional affair. You are so emotionally entangled with this woman that you are loosing control of your life.<p>What I really wanted to share with you is one of the first posts that my FWS (former wayward-spouse) wrote when he first started posting here. He knows infidelity from both sides. He was the BS in his previous marriage and the wayward spouse in our marriage. His name here is SeenTheLight (STL), here is a thread in which he responds to a member named DM who says pretty much what you are saying. STL and many of our other sage members responded to this fellow with some real wisdom.<p> Love W, but love someone else more

You know what, UsedMan? <p>I know it isn't simple. I REALLY DO. I can still imagine (tho it really hurts to do it) the precise moment I "crossed that line" emotionally, and then the exact moment we crossed it physically (first kiss) and then, the dreaded day we did "it" -- in a seedy hotel room not far from work; one I had to look at as long as I lived in that town.<p>I didn't want sex either, as evidenced, I suppose by the fact that we only had intercourse once. My affair was three months of straight TALKING. Oh my GOD, did we talk. And about EVERYTHING under the sun, and it felt GOOD. You know what I mean. He **listened** and all my stories were new and fresh to him, and he laughed with me at little things, and he **understood me** as my (then)H did not. I know how you feel. I could probably describe your faces as you sit in those restaurants chatting it up with eachother, looking into each others eyes, knowing that there is the potential for so much more, but being strong enough not to do that (and there sure is a romanticism in that alone, is there not?? It's so Bridges of Madison County. Two souls who can't have each other, who resist, but will always remember that one true love - you know, something like that.) <p>I want to assure you, I am NOT mocking you. I have BEEN THERE.<p>You ask, do you just stop.<p>Sadly for you, the answer is YES, you just stop. AND you take it a step further. You tell your wife. RIGHT NOW. You tell her that you have feelings for another, and that the potential for it to go further is there, and that you are afraid. Open yourself up to her. I couldn't do that with my (then)H, and he watched somewhat helplessly as I forged ahead. He'd ask me what he could do, and my pat answer was, "I don't know"... <p>Now, to be fair, the BS (betrayed spouse, that would be your wife) usually has a part in the demise of the marital relationship that makes the WS vulnerable to an affair, and in my case, there were years of abusive behavior. BUT.. and this is important, the WS ***must*** take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for their actions, no matter WHAT. If your marriage is so bad that you will have an affair, do the right thing (the thing that will help you live with yourself) and get a divorce. THEN find your soulmate.<p>But after 20 years and kids together, I would guess that your marriage is pretty important. So buy those books, call the Harley's, and begin the work of saving your marriage.<p>BEST WISHES TO YOU!!

USEDMAN,<p>RE: “I REALLY wish I could stop it so easy”<p>Your smoking analogy is a good one. My H (FWS – I love that “former”) is on a ‘quit smoking’ program right now. He’s tried to do it a few times but he could never get through it before. But this time he had a plan.. he is hitting it from all angles… the patches, the meds, family support, counseling, etc. <p>So how do you stop the fast train to marital destruction you are on? In the same manner.. you go at it will everything that is available to you.<p>---Read all of the material on this web site and the books.
---Get an appointment with Dr. Harley so that he can support you in sharing this with your wife and getting her help. Your wife needs to know about this.. it’s called ‘radical honesty’.
---Have your wife help you write a no contact letter to this woman (see the Surviving an Affair book for an example).
---See your family doctor for antidepressants in helping you withdraw from this woman… your reaction to all of this is a sort of self-medication for depression. So get some clinical help instead of self-medicating with an affair.
---Continue working with Dr. Harley and the MB concepts to rebuild your marriage into something that has the passion you want. It can be done.
---Come here often for support. Ask your wife if she will join you here. We’d all love to have the both of you working on you marriage here.<p>That’s how you do it. Cold turkey with all the help you can find.

Bill,
Wow, you're a great person... thanks for the "pat on the back" I've felt like such a bad person for so long it's good to hear I'm doing something right!! Also for the hope that my family could actually get past this...hard to believe right now but somehow I believe you.
I was going to say I was afraid to read the books because my wife may find them. But you think I should TELL HER!! Holy..... wouldn't that just kill her??<p>daniel,
"maybe with your wife's next husband. The one everyone will think treats her so well after you were such a creap. She can now be happy, she deserves it"
Sometimes I think she might be better off in that situation. I hate the thought of my kids in it though... I feel like I married her because I didn't want to hurt her..but....not having a husband that loves her ONLY and is IN LOVE with her is not fair either, is it?<p>going_crazy
Thanks for the "respect", I really don't have much for myself right now..at least in this situation.<p>
zorweb
Thanks, I'll read it tomorrow, I'm sorry that you had to live through what I'm fighting against. I'm glad though you are on the other side of this and it looks like you guys are OK and that's encouraging!!!!

WOW, you guys have given me so much to think about... so much to digest....Thanks much. I have to go for now (EARLY WAKE-UP TOMORROW) BUT I will be back with a million more questions I'm sure. Thanks again....and see you soon.

Please don't set aside your vows and all the things you have that are good for something that's only built on fascination...<p>That sounds like the preface for some kind of a sermon, but it's too late for me to get a long one in now.<p>20 years... you're where you are now, and not somewhere else. Where you are is where you chose to be more than 20 years ago, and all that you have gained and accomplished is the sum of it.<p>In a way (not like a conquest) a family is like an empire, and whereas you may not feel in love with your wife (that's not so uncommon, and most of my "nearly" 20 years has been like that) - but if your home is good, and your children love you and respect you (and probably admire you) then you have accomplished much, and are a noble man in good standing.<p>All that I have achieved amounts to very little, but when I see glints of respect in my son's eye for me, and the trust and admiration in those of my daughters there is much to forfeit for a "soul mate" (soul mate?). My wife isn't fascinating but she is reliable, she is stable, and these days she works to make the home well and a sanctuary it is.<p>And if all of that lacks luster, then polish it - because your family is a prize beyond wealth that some men will ever attain.<p>(secret: "ilmf" stands for "I love my family" - and that has to do with who and what we are as a WHOLE, and isn't based on whether I feel like my wife is my "soul-mate" or something like that)<p>I hope you are encouraged to do well
and be well

Well, you've gotten lots of good advice. Can't add much. Have you seen this article on How to Avoid an Affair? You might find it helpful...<p>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024_qa.html<p>Good luck.

USEDMAN, "I feel like I married her because I didn't want to hurt her..but....not having a husband that loves her ONLY and is IN LOVE with her is not fair either, is it?" <p> Don't hurt her now by running off with another. You can be the one that loves only her and is in LOVE with her. The odds are much better at making it work with your wife of 20 years than a woman you run away with. If you tell the OW now you want to work on your marriage and will not see her anymore, and follow through with rebuilding your marriage, you can do it.

Steping stone marriages have problems too. Fix the problems and shortcomings in your own marriage, they don't go away by exchanging wives.
If your marriage is stale, fix it, if, after honestly trying to fix it,(without any outsider waiting in the wings)it still doesn't work, separate, then divorce if needed, live on your own long enough to know yourself again, then see what comes along. Don't use the saftey net of marriage to make this change. <p>I think your wife would like honesty and a chance to work it out. No Contact with OW, and your best effort.<p>I know I get preachy but my own story is very fresh. I still think I have a Neil Simon play to end all in my head.

Hi,<p>I'm still fairly new so I can't offer alot of advice, but I can tell you you've come to the right place.<p>My H had an A. Before the A our M was awful. We were emotionally divorced. He had his life, I had mine. (I wish I had found this site then.) Now, 2 months after D-day #2, our marriage is better than ever. It's been rough, but the results are amazing. There's still alot of work to do, and we will always have to work at it, but it gets easier as time goes on. I see a very bright future for us!<p>If it wasn't for the kids, I probably wouldn't have tried. It seemed soo hopeless. <p>It actually didn't take very long for me to realize it's not hopeless. Once you start working on the concepts, it happens. Things get better rather quickly. But I think it has to be both S's working together, so I do think you need to tell your W.<p>We read SAA and followed Dr. Harley's concepts. No love busting and meeting eachother's emotional needs (that's a biggie - and probably is not happening in your M - I know it wasn't in mine.)<p>Your M can be sooo much stronger than your A. You have history, committment and mature love - (not lies and deceit) to build on.<p>I'm glad you found this site, and I hope you'll follow the advice these wise, caring people here are giving you. It saved my M (and alot of others) and I know it can save yours.<p>H&S

USEDMAN
I bet if you spent minimum 15 hours/week quality time with just your wife and then any other hours along with your wife/kids you wouldn't have any time for these liasons with this OW. You would make sure you got home on time, and got creative in coming up with ideas to spend time with your wife, if it meant that much to you, having explained to her the temptations you are going through.
Talk to your wife, tell her how much your marriage means to you and where you want to go with it. You can work as a team to ensure its quality.
Your relationship with this other woman is really based on a lie, and the spark of the "forbidden". That is in part, what makes it so tantelizing...for now. Get out and run in the other direction if you want to avoid much more heartache than you think you are going to go through with just withdrawal from her now.
Mikkey

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by USEDMAN:
<strong>Bill,
Wow, you're a great person... thanks for the "pat on the back" I've felt like such a bad person for so long it's good to hear I'm doing something right!! Also for the hope that my family could actually get past this...hard to believe right now but somehow I believe you. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>One thing you got right...Bill is a great guy!!!!!! I'm his former WS and I can relate to ALL you are feeling and agonizing through. I had a n affair and Bill and I came within two months of divorce. I mean the papers were filed with the court and we were just waiting for a court date.
You can read my side of things <p>HERE. It is long but it will show you what I have been through and how I got here. Now we are working hard on our marraige and will be celebrati ng 9 years in July.
I need to get ready for work, so I don't have too long. I will close with this. I KNOW from experience what you are feeling, the good, the bad and the confusing. It S*CKS!! But you are here!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] That is step one. YOU CAN DO THIS!! It is so worth it. As Bill said, there are people here who have been so hurt that they will lash out at anyone in your position. Don't take it too personally, but do here their pain and anger. That could be your wife...
We will be checking back here as often as we can. Please post away any questions, even personal to our specific experience. We are here to help ourselves and others. This is a great site to be on.
Have a good day and our prayers are with you!