medication/reality - Marriage Builders® Forums

I finally started Zoloft 2 months ago. It really helps me feel less depressed. One of the "side effects"eems to be that I am losing interest in keeping the relationship going. My wife has done virtually nothing in the way of love. Has told me she doesn't love me. Has not told me that for > 8 years. I try and try never losing my love for her. But, now, I'm losing it. I'm feeling like I'm finally getting it; that she will never turn toward me and love me. Has anyone else experienced this?

JB - Boy the server is slow today...I too am on Zoloft (100 mg per day) and have been for about 2 months too. Although I haven't ready your profile nor know your story, I don't know your situation.My W left me 3 months ago (see profile for long story!) When I started Zoloft, it took about 3 weeks to kick in. I also feel a lot better. I find it's not a happy pill, but it keeps me out of the "suicide" zone. Thank God!!I haven't found the side effect that you infer...in other words I haven't found my desire to rebuild my marriage any less as a result of the Zoloft.Here is what I did find however:1. I got nauseated for about 1 week. 2. Occasionally, I get diarreah (not too often any more) 3. I used to get bad cases of dispepsia (you know that feeling that you have a burp air bubble in the middle of your chest that won't go away.) 4. For about the 1st month, I would sweat at night in my bed. This was really wierd since there was no reason to sweat...room was cool. 5. Although it has been said that sexual dysfunction is a side effect, I never had trouble "getting it up". Since my W left, I've only been able to pleasure myself (I'm a guy...what can I say?) I have found that it takes a LOT longer to...ahem...finish than usual.

Carol, Haven't heard from you in months.I don't know what to say. I'm not sure if I understand your post. Do you mean that maybe I'm just feeling the pain more???It just seems so hopeless. She just doesn't participate. EVERY time we get on the subject, she shoves it off into the future. No committment. No changing our phone number....Just 14 yrs of if and maybe and I don't love you. Check out my profile for my story....

Shat1, Yes the sweats and "delayed ejaculation" are effects I've noticed as well. This is not really a side effect I'm describing. But, I think I can relax, not be so afraid, and think clearly. It may be that under those circumstances I see less hope than when I was scared, stressed, and muddled? I don't know.....

JB,I get just some bits and pieces of your story, it's hard for me to follow.Are you simply frustrated and running out of patience with your wife, and her lack of returning your love? Or are you losing the affection and love for your wife - her love bank in your heart is running on empty?I just want you to know that I think you are great, and your relationship with your wife doesn't mean that you are a bad person. I hope the feelings that you have right now don't overflow into all areas of your life. That is a real trick, to separate and compartmentalize certain parts of our lives, but I think it is also a real good coping mechanism. I can have the worst weekend or worst year, but can get away from it and go around my family or my friends and be myself without all the negativity. I can go to work and totally forget what is happening in my home life. I know that my home life isn't a reflection of myself, and I also find that having those outlets are fantastic to keep up my self esteem.For me, my life isn't all bad. Only parts of it.

trustntruth, I think my profile will make my situation clearer to you(????) My wife is not "actively" involved. But, she will not give up that possibility and commit to me. She will promise nothing, by way of reassurance. I am to assume she's faithful she says; which is silly as she knows there is no trust at all between us. I caught OM calling here in July.This after my wife assured me they were no longer in contact. He lives on the opposite side of the USA. So, I'm lucky there. It is an interminable plan a. With, like you describe, an empty love bank. There is no hostility. No fighting. Just no love. If I here "thank you" as a response to I love you again I might lose it.... It's just my needs are simply not addressed. No sex.none. No affection (except a goodnight kiss) No sharing. No cuddling. No admiration. I'm losing the affection I've held dearly too, despite having none returned. And I'm losing what little patience I have waiting....Waiting for her to see value in me. To honor and cherish and put in some effort for me. To make a contribution. To say "please stay" or "please let me help you forget the painful memories". No, I just get: "I don't love you. I love him."

tnt????? Did u read "the book"?

No, I didn't! Shame on me. And Chris has a great one I have bookmarked that I should read too.Give me the name again, and I'll bookmark it, okay? Thanks.*** The problems haven't "gone away", but I'm coping a little better. I'm trying a little conflict avoidance approach - distance - and prayers. At least I feel better, anyhow.Trying to distract myself in my goals. Am working on getting a new non-profit going, and will be teaching a class on racism at the library. Am in between jobs until the non-profit is up and running. Got a job offer as a Diversity Coordinator for our area today. Turned it down - going to stay focused on what I started months and months ago. H has been out of town until tonight this week. That has helped. Tonight I gave him the report on the SD developments while he was out of town. He didn't want to hear it, and I told him that he didn't have to respond, but he needed to be aware, and if he couldn't control himself to leave. I'd rather have him gone than to go through that stuff again. He shut up, after some threats - and I came to my office to get on my computer. Thanks for asking about me! How goes it for you?

TNT, "Verbal Abuse Survivors speak out", by Patricia Evans.I'm doing okay. I asked my wife tonight if we would ever make love again. She said, "I imagine". So, it could always be worse.I want you to face the fact (PLEASE) that no amount of waiting and praying is going to change him until HE wants to change!!!!! He consistently displays the sterotypical rage (fear) that I did. Unless he has a BIG revelation/confrontation.....you are wasting your time.Please, don't judge my advice harshly. You will make your own decisions. But, I know this man. He needs to control you and put you down....Take good care my friend.[This message has been edited by JB (edited September 24, 1999).]

Thanks JB, I bookmarked the title.I about 80% believe you are right about the waiting/praying. But I still have hope and faith - and can't let go. It's what keeps me sane or stuck... Not sure.Does she like to do any "other" fun things? Like go to a craft show - or plays or church or anything? Maybe you have to work at being a companion? What does she want?My husband says he meets his own emotional needs, and doesn't want me to meet them. Doesn't want to meet mine either. He's not entirely telling the truth there. He needs approval, admiration and affection. And he needs it from me. He won't admit it though, and won't ask for it.I wish your wife would at least hint what you can do to meet her needs - and show some interest in yours as well.

TRUSTY, I think I have a pretty good grip on my W needs. Admiration is big. I jsust nevere, ever, ever get mine met. Sex if it ever occurs will now have "another person in the room with us" for YEARS. Been there...done that in the 80's. (I found a vibrator he purchased for her. Nude pictures of him....) She does not seem capable or willing to help me erase these horrible thoughts, and build my self esteem in the sack. I ALWAYS (in sex) feel inferior, smaller, more conservative. Always wary, confused. It would not take much for her to help me. But, she won't do it. She seems content that I believe that he is the best thing that ever ha[ppened to her. And, I'm the worst.

I'm sure medication doesn't help? I think confidence can make the difference. And maybe if I didn't connect the emotional part to the physical act, those raw emotional feelings wouldn't be so exposed after the physical.....

TNT, The medication doesn't hurt a bit. I'm on lowest dosage. Been on it before...no worries. Just need her to rweach out and stroke my ........pathetic ego. That's really what it boils down to. I want to feel like #1. I want to feel admired, attractive. Now I feel like a consolation prize.Would you please elaborate on this? You intrigued me with familiarity to my thoughts, then lost me. I have often wondered about "confidence". I am scared spitless. I expect her to help me with that. [This message has been edited by JB (edited September 25, 1999).]

How can I elaborate on where I lost you. After the physical act, which I have no problem with, the emotional pain from being betrayed becomes so raw. I want to cry and I feel so empty. That is the problem I am trying to deal with.Confidence doesn't come from success, but from an inner feeling about yourself. You have to believe in yourself in that area, just as you do in any area. Resiliency?I think my emotional raw feelings - are just part of the grieving process that I need to go through. Maybe I'll be over that part some day.Last night we had the best discussion with some of our friends. I got out the marriage buidlers material, and we went over emotional needs and personality profiles. The H is an INFP, just like me. I don't know what the W is, but it was sooooo interesting. As we all 4 sat there, we all thought we were giving 75% into the marriages, and the other spouses were only giving 25%. We decided that if we identified our emotional needs, we could give less - but give them in the area that counts. The 75% that we are giving are probably in areas that don't count - so that was very enlightening.My "need to fix" (INFP personality) was talked about, and my husband does see my "need to fix" as judgmental. Boy oh boy did we have some clarifying going on. Our friends stayed from 3 in the afternoon till 4 in the morning, and we all felt so much more empowered and hopeful with all the clarifying that went on between us 4.It should be interesting how things change now! Y E S.

JB I too am losing interest in keeping the marriage going since being on Zoloft, but maybe it is like they said, not the medication but being able to think clearer without the deep depression. I have experienced a lack of desire for sex recently too but thought it was because I feel like a prostitute giving into a man who claims he doesn't love me but likes the sex. I'd like to blame the pills but I'm afraid it just may be our common sense coming thru at last and realizing we deserve more than what we're getting.Hugs,