I just received an email from my h asking this question. His counselor told him to ask it. If the marriage has all these problems(his words, not mine) and he is so terrible why do I want him? Now that he has had an affair for the past year and a half,lied to me, come and gone three times, how can I trust he won't do it again? How does he know that the changes I made this summer will last? The letter was very angry and confrontational,almost as if he was challenging me to tell him not to come home. I do love him, we have had some problems, but I believe that we had a good marriage till the affair. The past year was horrible. I couldn't do anything right. I want to rebuild our marriage and make it even better. He is still in the affair. says he will decide by Nov. 1. His mother said the ow told her she gave him the ultimatum because her h needs to know if he should come home. Any advice on how to deal with this? Thanks for listening.

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you here but I will be interested in your replies since your situation sounds exactly like mine. Hang in there if you really want your marriage to work. I am asking myself the same question these days too although I do know that I still love my H and I do want him back. Good luck

Tell him what you told us. Tell him you love him, and that you want to work on your marriage. The problem of trust is a hard one, my thoughts are you cna't trust him because he has to earn trust and that will take time. I'm not sure but the anger you felt in his letter may not be at you but at him self. He may not feel that he is worth it. Hope this helps a little bit.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I agree with SDS, tell him what you told us. I think it may be common for the betrayer to ask the betrayed for "guarantees". I know my H didn't expect he would ever cheat & since he has, he knows there aren't really any guarantees. The only constant is change.<P>I assume you aren't telling him he is terrible...? You'd definitely would like a change of behavior, but even in the lousiest situations there's usually something nice that can be said.

Thanks Guys, I think I will email him now and say all those positive things.

Isn't it interesting that the OW want guarantees to continue the affair ........... sounds like TRU LOVE.