My hubby and I have the same confrontation nearly evry night. Right at bedtime, our 3 kids and our dog get silly, making lots of demands for attention, and things get alittle chaotic. My husband of 3 months ends up getting very tense and spastic. In his former life, everything was neat, clean, quiet, perfectly controlled. But, he married us knowing what life with kids, dogs, and a wife who works full time is like. I understand why that this is the source of his tension, but I immediately bristle, and we end up angry, tense with each other, and not speaking. This happens 5 out of 7 nights/week. How do I not react to his tension? I know this makes him worse, but it's an automatic response for me.

New,

Here's an idea. Try something different. If you have the same fight night after night. Change your response, he'll have to change his too. Don't rely on your autopilot, choose your attitude.

There is a great book that I read on this subject called "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships". I found it to be really enlightening.

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

NBA,

You said 5 out of 7 nights you are fighting, so what are you doing on the 2 differently? Maybe you could do that all 7 nights, unless of course they are not there on those 2 nights, then you can just disregard this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newbrideagain:
<strong> My hubby and I have the same confrontation nearly evry night. Right at bedtime, our 3 kids and our dog get silly, making lots of demands for attention, and things get alittle chaotic. My husband of 3 months ends up getting very tense and spastic. In his former life, everything was neat, clean, quiet, perfectly controlled. But, he married us knowing what life with kids, dogs, and a wife who works full time is like. I understand why that this is the source of his tension, but I immediately bristle, and we end up angry, tense with each other, and not speaking. This happens 5 out of 7 nights/week. How do I not react to his tension? I know this makes him worse, but it's an automatic response for me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Children respond very well to routine. You and your H need to brainstorm ideas for a bedtime routine that will help each child get some last minute attention. Maybe he can take the dog for a walk during part of the time to relieve his tension and give the dog some attention, too. Even if you don't come up with a perfect solution, working on a plan with him will assure him you take his concerns seriously and will give him reason to pay attention to each of the kids and what works well with them.