Rebuilding after Neglect and Infidelity - Marriage Builders® Forums

To be brief, I have neglected my wife. As I read the Basic Concepts and the 3 Stages in Negotiating, I now see the recurring problems we have faced in our marriage. Her recent infidelity (now over) has left her thinking that I will never be able to break out of the cycle of intimacy, conflict and withdrawal. I now live in an apartment close to home (2nd week). I believe God's providence led me to this material to help me understand what was happening and to help us work out our problems. My wife is leaning toward divorce. We have forgiven each other for the wrongs we have done, I for neglect and she for unfaithfulness. We are talking, not fighting. We do not have the same "love" for each other that we once had. Now that I have discovered this material and have an understanding of the concepts involved, how do I spend the necessary time to deposit those "love credits?" How do I introduce her to the concepts I have discovered? What are the best approaches to my problem? Any help would be appreciated. ------------------ Working to Resolve and Rebuild.

I'm sorry this has happened. I too have cheated. I would suggest you get help for yourself first, don't pressure your wife, beg or grovel. It only makes you look weak, and most women hate that. Be the strong confident man she feel in love with. Perhaps invite her to come to one of your sessions. But, I must stress, do not tell her you won't go unless she goes. Big mistake! You both need help alone first, then together. Dr. Harley has many important points. Mostly because emotional needs are not being met. It's hard to make love to someone your mad at. You have to rebuild your relationship even if means you'll only be freinds. I wish you all the best. Give her lots of space, make it clear you love her, but new ground rules have to be estblished - NO MORE LIES. And yes share Dr. Harley's books with her. But, don't force them on her, just tell her they have helped you understand a few thing and maybe they might help her too.[This message has been edited by CarolG (edited August 08, 1999).]

I was looking through this posting and thought I should thank you for the reply. I'm finding it to be helpful. Now 2 weeks into an apartment I am trying to keep my focus on fixing myself. I have my first counseling session alone tomorrow. W still does not want to try on our marriage. She does want to be friends and thinks I'm a wonderful man with great qualities. It's hard for me to think that way. If I am so wonderful, why won't she try?------------------ Working to Resolve and Rebuild.