I recieved the wors new anyone could possibly get

This morning I recieved the worst news anyone could possibly get.I went to have breakfast with my W. I saw a buisness card from a womens clinic on the bar. She saw me looking at it and told me to get out of her stuff. She told me yesterday that she was sick, and had to go to the docter on fri.This morning she told me the truth. Her sickness was her being pregnant. The trip to the doctor was to have the pregnancy terminated. She got pregnant from some OM. What I am about to say is a touchy subject. The OM is of a diffrent race. I do not believe in this and she knows it. She cried and I told her that I still love her, and was there for her. I'm glad she told me but DAMN that HURTS BADDD. as I was leaving I gave her a hug and told her I love her. She said she loves me back. Tonight when I brought the kids home and was leaving I tried to give her a hug and she would'nt. She said she already gave me one. I told her I loved her and she just replied I know.What the hell shoud I do now???????? I'm a f#@King mess now. Everything was going so noice and I just hit a brick wall at a hundred miles an hour. ------------------ brownphdt

I found out the OW had an abortion last May. My H took her to have the abortion and lied that he was at work. This was just a week after our grandson was born. That is how he was able to take her because I was with our D. We don't even beleive in abortions. But I had an easier time accepting it then he did. hen I found out everything blew up. I found out 4 days before H was to donate a kidney to our son. Believe me when I say all hell broke lose.We talked about it later I know he had a hard time dealing with it> It was her choice she didn't want to be bothered. So for him to still go to her still doesn't make sense to me. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know the pain you are feeling. I just wanted you to know you were not alone.------------------ di

I am so sorry for you both. I know how hard that must be to deal with. As much as I am against abortion I still have to say, at least you will not have to deal with her carrying another mans child. I feel for her too because I can only imagine the guilt of having to take the babies life due to her mistake of being with another man. I could not deal with myself afterwards because my mistake would haunt me.I admire the strength you have. You have to be one strong man to still put your arms around her and say I love you to her after all of that. Maybe this will open her eyes and you two can get to work on getting back your marriage.Good luck and here is a (((hug))) to comfort you.

I don't know exactly what to say now... well, in a way I do... and don't take this any way but how I mean it... but there could be worse news. This is bad, no, it's terrible, horrible, but not the worst. You can get through this. This is her burden to carry. She will live with this mistake for the rest of her life. And that bears repeating - THE REST OF HER LIFE. The shock will wear off for you, and this may be your time to shine if you want to work on your marriage still. You can be there for her, if that is your choice.I am so sorry for this - all the way around. Terrible. ------------------ ~SherylMarriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.

Thank for your replys. Hell I dont even know what to writ anymore. Strength It does take alot, but I do love her and am wirried sick about her, were her life is heading, what about the kids. Today was the first time I had our 3month old for any length of time. I called her to tell her everything was going good and she told me that she was at a park in the 3rd ward of downtown Houston. people get killed and there are drugs every were down there. what is she thinking, Boy have I been blind the past month or so: while things were going my way and we were making progressI just called her and I dont even know why. I just said I wanted to her to know I love her and was worried about her and she said she is starting to wish she never told me. What am I supposed to do just sit back and let it ride????????------------------ brownphdt

new begging I told her tat I would be there for her. I want to be there for her. I know she dont want to talk about it, I think she should. only me and OM and one of her friends know. She said she was going to change her cell and home number cause the OM would not stop calling. Did I tell yall that this guy has been living with some women for the past ten years. Even after she knew about this she still had sex with this guy. WHAT GOES THREW SOME PEOPLES HEADS????????------------------ brownphdt

brownphd -- I can understand what you are feeling better than you might imagine. I don't want to go into the details here again, so if you would like to talk, please feel free to E-Mail me at MB_Empty_Shell@hotmail.com I will be praying for you.God Bless

you know what the biggest blow is. every thing was going so well. Any person who hws been following has seen the changes since I first posted here. I have taken all of your advise and it has helped me back in her life. this is all good. I have been taking the baby stepps. Plan Aing like crazy. I like being like that. then all of the suddenly. POW right in the kisser------------------ brownphdt [This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 08, 1999).]

brownphd -- I know this news is devastating to you. I have read most of your posts since you came here, and it did sound to me like you were making progress.I don't know if this new information has really changed all that much though. It's just another one of those sudden drops on this rollercoaster we all are strapped into.God Bless

WOW! Don't really know what to say. I've wrestled with the "thought" of my W getting P by OM. I have NEVER believed in abortion. In this case, I couldn't imagine how I'd feel. I just know I wouldn't want the baby around. I've raised my W's two children. But THIS, Oh my God I'm afraid to say either way. I'm afraid God will test me by making it happen. I'll pray for you both (and me now!!) She must be hurting (but deserves it) God will punish the forgiven. Wow man, I wish I could come up with something to help. I guess the ONLY thing I can think of is if she "loved" him wouldn't she keep it? I think so. At least it's not an issue for you (directly) but I'm sure the HUGE guilt will stall things as your W's self esteem has GOT to be at an all time low. Hang. What else is there? Satan chalks up another battle. Win the war!!!------------------ desperate "If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" "Wisdom is why!!"

Brownphd- This battle is waging on and on and it's not even close to over yet. Time to be stronger than ever.This has been a tremendous shock to you and adds so much to the hurt you have already endured.Take some time. You remember that, right? You need some time. You are wonderful to be there for her. It doesn't sound like she can handle it right now. That's guilt. If you still want to make progress in healing your marriage, then she knows you love her and want to help her get through this. She has to come to terms with it in her own time as well.I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. But do not give up. And don't make any life-altering decisions until you've had some time to digest all this and come to terms with it.It will happen. You know that. It just doesn't feel that way right now. Take care of yourself today. Ease your mind as much as you can. I know it's hard.My prayers are with you.Lori

I know this is hard and I had to do this when I found out. I imagine she was 2 to 3 months along. First think about where you were in this relationship when she got pregenant. COunt back. And she probably just found out a few weeks ago that she was she has had all this time to come toterms with it. You haven't Now take a deep breath and there is nothing you can do about it now. Another deep breath, you still love her. Another deep breath, you still want to make your marriage work, Another deep breath only hold it and when you let it go let the abortion go also. Now more about it. Work on your marriage tell her you love her and that you are sorry. You ask what are they thinking. That is the whole problem they aren't thinking!!!!!I will be here off and on all day holler if you need to talk or my email is diseiler@hotmail.com------------------ di

I don't know about the rest of you, but from a woman who has experienced an abortion, if you let her go through with it, she will hate you in the long run! You can't make her not do it, but I can tell you right now what she wants to hear is not that "you'll be there for her" That says to her you don't love her child, which is her, regardless. It says you want her but not her mistake. It says to her you are selfish. Now I am the betrayed and I know some of you may feel that she doesn't deserve all that from him, or that she deserves to suffer the guilt. But I can tell you the guilt of killing my baby, 10 years ago, still haunts me to this day, worse than my h affair does. She needs to hear you say that you love her and your here for her, no matter what she does. If she has made up her mind to do it, then she will need a major amount of love and support. Are you willing to give that after the betrayal? If she keeps it, she will need you to love it as you love her other kids, can you do that? What about adoption? I would love to know that my baby was out there with a good family, going to school, instead of being ripped from my stomach by a machine that makes vacuum cleaners sound like a low hum! I am sorry I don't want to come across mean or harsh, but don't just be there for her to get rid of her mistake so you can have a normal life. Be there for her in whatever her heart tells her to do. Let her know you truly love her, if you do! The race thing .. SO WHAT. It's a baby that didn't ask to be here, it's still a child with blood and cells like the rest of us! You must not know that Moses wife was of a different race than he! Please love your wife no matter what happens! If you can't do that for her, be honest. But I can tell you it will ruin you in the long run if you don't accept her for all of her! Again I know you may not feel like she deserves that much understanding, when she didn't give it to you, but I really wish you will see, if you want your wife and your marriage, you better take all of her! I would like to know how it goes, if you don't hate me after this post! Thanks Mater------------------ Mater

Matter, The deal is done. I found out after the fact.As for every one else I have made it through the day so far. I called her today to ask how she was feeling. She told me thet I was agrevating her and she feels like I am stalking her. THAT IS CRAZY. she asks me to come see them. she invites me to her families. her mind is so messed up she dont know what she is saying.I think it makes her mad that I do care about her, and still love her after all this. the reason I say this is because she told me thee would be no us because she did'nt want to mess anybody elses life up. I told her it wouldn't.There is just no talking to her right now. She trys to act like nothing has happened. As if she will think it gone.I just want to help her, and she has a force field around her.------------------ brownphdt

I can only imagine what she is going through. Having an abortion would be enough to send me to the nut house. She is going through all sorts of emotion from the affect of doing it, plusthe results of her messed up hormones. Don't take anything she says to seriously. Don't keep asking how she feels, but be there for her. Don't talk about I know that is hard but she will talk about when she is ready give her time to adjust. She has to deal with this herself. I know you have to deal with it also but your is in your head she has both head and body to cope with. Just keep letting her know you care and love her. BUt give her some space. You will get through this. ------------------ di

I know a few women who have had abortions and my experience, based on what they have said, is that nobody believes in it. Sometimes people feel that is the only option they have. It is a very tough choice and the emotions are very difficult to deal with. I don't think it is something anybody would intentionally do twice. The girls I know years later are still dealing with guilt and grief, even if they think they made the right decision. This is a time for understanding and compassion. People who haven't had to choose, as with all things, are in the worst position to judge.She is going through an awful lot right now. Please be patient and understanding. She will be grieving this like the loss of a child, and blaming herself. Give her time and support, not pressure. [This message has been edited by nonplused (edited November 08, 1999).]

I am so sorry to hear your news. Be strong. This is only my opinion, but maybe what your wife needs to just to know you are there without you asking her. Maybe she isn't ready to deal with the guilt and you at the same time. Just support her, love her, and let her know you are there for her without saying it. Use your actions. You know what they say, actions speak louder then words.------------------ To Thine Own Self Be True A.K.A. PondVJ

It is very difficult not to ask how she is or tell here I'm there for her. I try and have been trying to do things for her. She said sunday when she told me about this that she needed a break. well I took both of the kids (3yrs. and 3mos.)with me to a friends house. This was the first time for me to have them both at the same time. I called her to tell her that things were fine and she told me that she was in the 3rd ward (GETO) of houston. I none of yall know her, but she is like miss priss. nice cloths,house,cars. This is not like her.Diffrent subject. I talked to her this evening while I was at school. I didn't ask how she was doing. She told me about the rose I gave her this weekend. How big it was and that she was going to take it to her work. I hear this stuff and I think I read the wrong thing in to it. Why does she say these things????I feel I just want to call her all the time now. I want to see her. I just want to hug her and never let go.------------------ brownphdt

You know I try not to be mad, but hte hurt and anger come in spurts. I'm ok I'm not ok. I cant stand this apt. I have been here 10mos. I hate it. I should be with my family. I have never liked being here. Even when I had a roomate It still SUCKED!!!I feel like just asking her strait forward. Is the reason you wnot try because of the mess you have made or what. her actions are speaking louder than words and her actions say she still loves me.OH MAN THE STRESS. For the first time some one asked me today at work "what is wrong with you? you have lost a lot of weught and all I do is work. you don't goof around and cut up anymore." I have to stay busy to keep my mind from wandering. One Idol moment and I want to call her.------------------ brownphdt [This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 09, 1999).]

brownphd -- Check your E-Mail.

Empty shell I have been and have been replying. Thanks------------------ brownphdt

Hi Brownphd -UGH - what a horrible experience to have to decide and go through !!! And on top of everything else.....I really have to ask how she is still sane at all with all this!!! Even though it is of her own creation that fact does not make any of it easier..on the contrary....she is enduring the emotions of that aspect also.Making you a little anxious again, too - I see......RELAX Brownphd!!!You are back to thinking that she can actually be able to be consistant with her words and actions....she is way to confused to even come close!!! This is a TIME thing....remember!! You have to put things in a perspective that allows her the time she needs...while keeping you in a state of mind that you won't lose your own sanity.!!! You're not doing that at the moment!!! She needs you to stay strong and STEADY!!!!What good will you be as a possitive and safe "zone" for her if you let your emotions fluctuate with hers? You will just throw your own confusion into the fire!!! That would be very bad....Getting one or two positive feedbacks from her does not mean the road is clear!!! You know that!!!! But you seem to be putting too much expectation into each little incident.....You have to stop that...you will make yourself nuts!!! One nut at a time, OK?This is A PROCESS!!!! That means it takes a lot of steps to get to the goal. It takes time to do those steps....sometimes things go two steps forward and one back...so you can't even give a length of time it will all take.Don't watch the clock!!! Don't expect so much!!! Do all that you can for her, the kids and yourself to help things.. ...but the reason you are doing it is for the betterment of the family - not the pushing along of the process!!!This is not going to do a quick turnaround....You have made tremendous steps so far and there is a lot of positive things going on here....don't push for the finish line - go slow and steady - like the turtle, not the hare!!You have to be the rock...you can be her anchor to reality and love if you choose. Just don't yank on the rope or you will capsize the boat!!!HUGS and STRENGTH,Sheba

SHEBA I am glad you responded. I have been waiting for your response. were do you come up with this stuff. You always make since to me in every thing you have told me.ThanksI know it takes time and shouldn't read all these things, but remember the BIG D? Well the temp order have been set. She droped everything except child support. I got the decree in the mail. I am supposed to sighn it and mail it back. I just took it to her house and left it with her a week ago. It is still there and she has said nothing about it. I probably shoud read anything in to this, but it is hard not to. My ears and eyes are always looking for hope.THANK YOU VERY MUCH, you always put a smile on my face, ------------------ brownphdt

brownphd -- Listen to Sheba my friend. She is one very special lady who has helped me a lot. Hi Sheba [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

God Bless

I have to give SHEBA a lot of credit. She has gotten me were I am today with half my sanity. EMPTY SHELL you have helped too. If you can do it So can I. I have to give a little credit to my mother also. she just reads my posts. THANKS AGAIN SHEBA, and EMPTY SHELL------------------ brownphdt [This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 09, 1999).]

brownphd -- It's my pleasure. I wish there was a blushing icon [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

God Bless

some time I wish My wife would read this stuff. she asks me who i talk to. I just tell her a freind. I have E-Mailed this sight to her, I dont know if she has looked at it or not. she know I printed all of the BASIC CONCEPT, and I want her to read it , but she hasn't yet.------------------ brownphdt

Hello Gentlemen -Thank you very much....If I can help at all that's great!!! Don't forget I have the ULTIMATE male version!!! Problem is that I have the female perspective and I think I understand them better!! LOL!!'Sorry I took so long to respond - I wasn't on here over the weekend!!Hi ES!!!!Brownphd - I know the search for inklings of hope!!!! Just try to keep them filed away instead of jumping up and down for each one that happens...if you add them up and then let them hit your excite button....you'll be much better off and you will see for yourself the progress even though it sometimes doesn't seem like there is any that's lasting......there is, rest assured!!Remember that the D business is nothing to get riled up about at this point..it's only paper!!!! Nothing that can't be undone if it ever goes that far. If you use that as an anxiety and it causes you to push...in effect you might be pushing her into signing it!!Don't even think about those darn papers!!! I know it's hard..like an axe looming over your head!! I'm there and my axe is going to fall...still doesn't mean that my hope is gone!!!Yours has an excellent chance of not getting that far.....don't dwell and think that you have to make that disappear....it will in time!!!Going to sleep now...you should do the same and take deep breaths first so you can have a great nite!!!!Hugs,Sheba

you made perfect sense. I know she is going threw a rough time. I just want to help her and the only way i know to let her know is to tell or try to show her. I have known things weren't righ for a while. when I wold go to her house she would just stare at times. when I assked what was wrong she would get upset with me an d tell me to quit asking. I love her so much and dont like seeing her bury hreself in this hole.------------------ brownphdt

SHEBA the papers I havent said anything about them, and wont untill she does. Thanks again you have halped me so much. She has just abou used up all the soap..lolTHANKS------------------ brownphdt [This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 09, 1999).]

I believe last night and today are the worst times of my life.I did not sleep at all. After I left here as soon as my head hit the oillow I started having dreams of all this. I cant stand this . I didn't go to work today, that dont help anything. when the visions go threw my head I get so mad I could scream This is not easy I want this to be over. I recue her from the rut she is in. I know I am repeating my self, but I cant help it.I need to talk to someone about this, but she doesnt want any one to know about if. Its easier for her to think tis away if no one know. I think she probably needs to talk too. ------------------ brownphdt

My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is incredible how much you close your eyes to the pain of others until you experience it yourself. I was wrapped up in my world of a "secure" marriage honestly believing that "I" had nothing to wrry about because I KNEW he would never do that to me. I guess rebuilding goes a little at a time. Thank-you for reaching out even though you are in one of the worst kind of pain ther is.

no problam, I hope in time things will come together------------------ brownphdt