I know this is a place to help rebuild your marriage. But, there come a time when you realize that you can not do it alone. I have come to that point in time. I dealt with a lot of things this summer that most of you are going through now. Since H has left and nothing from him in three months, maybe he is serious. I still think this thing won't fly but I can't live my life waiting on him to find out. I know that he will not come back to me. If he breaks it off with her and I do think he will one day, he would probably go to his parents. We would have to start all over to build a new relationship. I know my H well enough to know that he will have trouble even contacting me after what he has done to me. So there is a big chance that when he breaks it off he will not enev try to see me. So with this in mind. I am trying to let go. NOt of hope but of the part that is keeping me immobile in my life. Up to this point everything I have done has been based on helping him to come home. I can't do that anymore. I have to make decisions based on what is good for me. I can't even worry about lovebusting (the financial problems) I have to deal with what is right. And if it makes him mad then I guess I wll live with it. My counselor says I have taken another step in the grieving process. It is hard because you feel loss all over again. BUt it is a different type of loss. He has taken so much from me not only the tangible things like his love, my home, friends and job, but I no longer can think of the future. The future is so cloudy and I don't like to live like that. I am one who plans things and know where I am headed, but I haven't been able to do that. I still can't but I know that the first step to being myself again, is to concentrate on getting a job. That is my number one priority now, not getting my H home. I still plan to send him a letter onec in awhile, I still will tell him I love him (at least I will as long as I can) we will send pictures of his grandchildren to him. But I am letting go. He is now on his own. I guess I am finally letting God take over and work on H. All I know it is no longer up to me. This all came about in talking with my counselor today. I feel better tonight then I did earlier today. I am not depressed but sad. I also know that I will slip back and forth for awhile and may even decide I am wrong in letting go but I also know that I will keep coming back to these thought till I can truely embrace them and go forward. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know it is the right thing to do. <P>I have made some great friends here and I don't plan on leaving so this is not a farwell address. I still need all the prayers, support and love I get here. I know i willneed you all as the holidays coe closer. But I just wanted you all to know where I am with my life. <BR>Love you all {{hugs}} <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

After my W ordeal acouple weeks ago. I went to see our counseler we had before we split up. He ask me how long can you hold on? I told him as long as it takes. He said ok , but what is your limit. I don't know this yet, but I do know I can't live like this for ever. There has to be some kind of limit. I'm not saying to stop loving a person or hoping for reconciliation, but to live a normal healthy life. Which I dont do now.<P>Best of luck to you.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

that makes alot of sense. oh how my heart aches for you. we all have a line. keep working on what you need. God will take care of you. His plans for you and your future are not dependent on your husband. God is your source...

amazing how we can be on opposite sides of the fence, and still end up on the same side in the end.<P>I feel like you do, which is evident from my recent posts, too.<P>I'm sorry you're going through this... just as I'm sorry about all of us going through this crap.<P>I keep thinking it must be a full moon or something, because dammed if all we aren't going through the same things...<P>What's going on??<P>~Sheryl<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 17, 1999).]

{{{{{{{{{Di}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm sorry your feeling so bad...<BR>I know you've been trying to keep the love reaching him... but if your life's priorities are saying that doesn't make sense anymore... maybe a Plan B would be healthier... for you. Let him know there will be no more contact with him... it will reduce your expectations... maybe his too. I was told yesterday that a lot of the problems stressed out people have is that we all have expectations that are just <B>too</B> high... if we just lower them... we can reduce the stress. Maybe this can help you.<P>Prayers from a friend... <P>Jim

SDS - I truly feel sorry that you're having to go through this, but,I agree that you have to do what's best for you.<P>We're here, for anything, anytime. <P>Lori

Hang in there, Di. We're all here for you. My thoughts, & prayers are with you.

I am so sorry that your going through this. I will lift you up in prayer. <P>Wishing you God's peace and understanding and a future that brings you all you need and deserve.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

SDS- I can't help but think that's the right attitude to have. Put it in God's hands and just do what you can for yourself. He will take care of all of your needs! He is your shephard, he will not let you want......I am still praying for you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

I am sorry for your pain and loss, but somehow I think this is the next best step! Hope all works well for you~!

I read your post twice becasue I had a hard time reading it through my tears. My heart really goes out to you. It sounds to me like this next step is a relief. Take care of yourself, please let us know when you get that job! Keep us posted about YOU and your kids!! My God's love keep you in his peace!

SDS, <P>Knowing that you can go on without him is a big step. The grieving hurts and it does seem to go on forever. But, you are growing stronger each day. <P>I know that this event is the toughest thing any of us will ever go through and unfortunately its a journey we must take alone. We are here to help you through and comfort you along the way. <P>You are going to be OK SDS. <P>God bless you.<P>SHA

I hope this helps…you may know it already! <P>“You’ll Never Walk Alone”—Carousel, Rogers & Hammerstein<P>When you walk through a storm<BR>Hold your head up high<BR>And don’t be afraid of the dark.<BR>At the end of the storm is a golden sky<BR>And the sweet, silver song of a lark.<BR>Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain,<BR>Though your dreams be tossed and blown.<BR>Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart<BR>And you’ll never walk alone…<BR>You’ll never walk alone.<P>

SDS -- You are where I was in August. Everyone has limits. Do what's right for you. Follow your heart. Perhaps it is time for a Plan B to save your sanity and what love you have left. The job WILL help. I worked full-time, but even got a second job to fill in the gaps and help me financially as well. It has really helped. Staying busy and focused on other things will help you a great deal. <P>Sometimes I think about all I've lost because of him -- my home, my security, my everything. Then I think of what he's lost -- his home, his financial security, THE RESPECT OF HIS CHILDREN. <P>hang in there and take care of yourself!!! We love you and will be here to support you.

Oh SDS, my thoughts and best wishes are with you. One amazing thing I've learnt, our bodies and minds can cope with such pain, but both manage to lessen it the longer it goes on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, can you see it now?<P>God bless,<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

I have been trying to respond to all of you but every time I sat down to do so I couldn't stop the tears. These aren't really tears of sadness but the results of the love and support I receive from all of you. I had a long talk with my daugther last night. I am not ready to completely stop trying. But have changed what I had planned to do. I will write him ever so often and we will send pictures of the grandkids, until the first of the year. Then I will write the plan B letter with all of your help of course. Then I will go on with my life and what happens happens. <BR>All of you have been so great but I am no shape to thank each one of you individually. But I want you to know how much your support has helped me and will continue helping me. Love you all<P>------------------<BR>di<P><p>[This message has been edited by SDS (edited November 17, 1999).]

Di,<P>Everything you said is corrrect. Also, I believe one of the ideas behind the MB principles it to discover ourselves in the process. What we need to do as an individual. It is not to learn how to become "clingy" and rely on the spouse for everything. But with this discovery of what we want from them also comes the feeling of loving them and WANTING to do things for them because it pleases us to please them.<P>However, you are right in that while we are waiting for our spouses, we need to open our minds & become what we are as an individuals. We need to lift ourselves out of the depression and the total "downness" of the situation. When we do this we get back to what we are by ourselves, which is probably one of the things that attracted our spouses to us to begin with. This doesn't mean giving up on the relationship. Indeed we are working on the relationship by learning more about US, rather than focusing on THEM.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Dearest Friend,<P>Oh, Diana, you don't know how destiny has brought us to be friends through this forum. Remember the e-mail I sent you from home this morning? More coincidences... I believe we are at the same juncture. Isn't it too weird??? My relatonship with my Jim is just as dysfunctional as yours with your Jim. The others are right, you are doing the right thing at this point in your recovery in focusing on yourself and letting go of that which you can not control (Jim's actions). <P>I like Chris's idea about the MB principles being abou the discovery of "us" as individuals. We have all been robbed by our S's of not only the things you mentioned - but also of our sense of security, fairplay and what makes sense to us in the world. This is potentially one of the MOST traumatic ordeals anyone can go through. Becuae we suffer at the hands of the person we most love and most trust to have our best interests and wellfare at heart.<P>You are doing the best thing for you right now. Concentrate on the job search and yourself. Giving this to God is really hard for us, isn't it? I struggle with that, too. <P>I know in the depths of my soul that you are a SURVIVOR. I know that when all is said and done you will find some way to make something very positive out of these events. Personal and spiritual growth can only benefit you.<P>God bless,<P>Desiree<BR>

SDS,<P>I am proud of how far you've come. Yeah, it is another step and a different kind. But you'll come through okay.<P>God Bless You<BR>TNT

Thanks Chris, Desiree, and TnT for you kinds words and support. It is really tough I feel like even though this is the best decision, I have gone back to greiving again. I'm not sure how to explain it. I did put up the web site that has the book "Surviving a Loss" reread it last night so I know what I am feeling is normal and part of the moving on phase. So I am OK. I know it took me awhile to respond to you but sometimes it is hard to put your thoughts down but I didn't want you think I didn't appreciate you. Believe me I do appreciate the people on MB without you all It would be hard to move forward. Love you all<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS,<P>You're at the same spot where I was last Monday night. I implemented Plan B - and it is killing me - however, I feel that I have some control back in my life, and I have a little bit of peace. That is amazing at the moment, I felt that I would never peace again. My mind was constantly on this problem, "what do I do, what do I say, where do I go etc etc etc"<P>Plan B helped calm all that down. I have taken myself out of the equation, H still phones every day for the children, but I CAN handle not speaking to him.<P>The decision really is up to him now. I sent him the loving letter that is recommeded to be sent when Plan B is commenced, so he knows that I love him and am willing to try and repair the marriage when OW is out of picture. Maybe the same would work for you.<P>The sense of peace and well-being that I now have, after all the turmoil, is incredible.<P>Hope you find some too - I'll be wishing you well<P>Jo