Well, this morning, I finally talked with my H a little bit. I didn't say as much as I intended, because I sensed that he was sorta "closed" to discussing it.<P>Anyway, I told him this:<P>"I love you. I want you to understand what "cheating" means to me: It is not just about having sex with someone, but it is also giving your time, attention, and thoughts to someone other than me. It is also any involvement or inappropriate behavior that doesn't include or is kept secret from me.<P>I feel that you resent not being able to go to (Cafe Woman's restaurant), and I don't want you to feel resentful toward me for that, so I want you to know that if you want to go there, I will not raise he!! with you.<P>I do want you to understand that at times, I might be feeling hurt or a little angry, and I hope you won't get angry at me over that. I will try to work those feelings out."<P>His response? "Whatever..."<P>I decided against imposing any restrictions on his actions. He knows how I feel, and if he genuinely loves me, he will not do anything to hurt me.<P>Afterwards, we went to breakfast...at the other cafe right down from our business. <P>I hope I'm doing the right thing for our marriage. I guess time will tell...<BR>

Sweatpea,<P>How did the counselor session go? I think you did good. <P>But I still want to call him a lunkhead for saying "whatever....." <P>He still perceives a discussion about a problem more painful than resolution, huh? Conflict avoidance? <P>I am learning something that my husband and your husband could learn. Too bad I can't force feed him into learning it, but I know I can pray about it!!!<P>No. 1, Conflict isn't created. It's just like feelings - it just is. It is a result of having different values, miscommunication, or just plain being different. Conflict isn't all bad. In fact it has some potential to really help a relationship. How you approach conflict and deal with conflict is what makes the difference.<P>My husband doesn't have any conflict resolution skills. He doesn't need any!!! He's a dictator!!! But, I suspect - deep down inside, that my husband isn't satisfied with himself as a dictator. Because you can't demand your own way all the time, at the expense of someone else, and truly feel loved. <P>You hang in there, you have grown by leaps and bounds. Maybe your husband is clueless, but you sure aren't!!!!<P>TNT

I think you did great!! Even if he gave a horrible response it has to feel good to get that off your chest!! I'm glad you went to another cafe, even if he didn't 'say' a lot, I think by going to another cafe 'showed' he did hear what you said. Hang in there sweetie!

hi sweetpea, how did you feel giving him all the rope? I mean you had said you did not want him there, now you are showing him that you do trust him? Or are you letting the two of them try to hang themselves? Afterall, he never did anyting wrong remember? <BR>Oh boy, giving the trust is really hard. Especially the first few steps. But you made those steps and shared them with him! I think it is wonderful progress for you. He now chooses what to do, and you no longer have to dictate the action like his mother. Start believing in your heart that he will pull thru for you. Even with his strange response, he has to pull this off. He has to show that he has earned this trust. Maybe fear is part of the reason for the less than enthusiatic response? <BR>I feel like I am rambly today....no sleep.

Well, I kinda feel like a wimp for not imposing <B>some</B> sort of restrictions on him, but I decided that he would resent <B>any</B> restrictions. I'm also a little weepy today, but not in front of anybody.<P>Right now, I'm <B>guessing</B> that he's feeling, "Yeah, ri-i-ight, she <B>says</B> she won't raise he!! if I go in there, but I'll bet she does."<P>The only positive thing that he's said, other than that he loves me, this week is that he would like me to start going with him to ride 4-wheelers and jump tromp through the woods with him. Sooo, I'm about to start joining him!<P>As to how I feel? Scared to death that he will take up with Cafe Woman (again). But, yeah, I guess you can say that I'm just giving him enough rope to hang himself.<P>I'm still doing Plan A, but he's still somewhat distant. I may have to back off on the affection, since I'm starting to feel a little rejected and don't want him to feel "smothered". He doesn't seem to want to kiss me, but he does still hold me at night, though.<P>If I could feel that he really does love me, I could muster the strength for anything. I've spent the last two years in such turmoil. My whole life has been a trial, and I've been somewhat on the pity pot about every bad thing that's ever happened to me/us. So much of what's happened in my life could not be helped, so there was nothing to do but deal with it. This screwing around business, though, is another story. I could just scream AAARRRRRGGGGH!!!!!