I am the betrayed and it has been rough. I have been here a looong time 2/98. I will say this for the methods here and this board; I couldn't have done it without them. No, I did not save my family/marriage, I have given all and am not ashamed. If you stay and listen, and your marriage does not survive, you can go on and not be bitter. <P>We are to be divorced 12/09. The techniques here have saved our two children. I truley believe that without this forum, I would have made a huge mess out of this thing. Dragging everything down with me. That didn't happen, thank the good Lord. <P>I know many here don't want to hear this stuff, but I must. This place has helped me to be friendly with my W, but to let go for both. <P>Now to my point. This has been an incredible journey. Very painful. By reading many posts, I understand that the dynamics of the two sides are so very different. Maybe that's why it's so damaging. Hard to get through. Kinda like the abortion debate, one group is about rights and choice and the other about values and life. It'll never be solved because folks are on different planes. So are we. I would ask those betrayed to undersatnd and actually respect that your partner is going through something very different from you. NB and others, I think that you would agree that, regardless, for a time, the love you shared is dead. As time goes on, it seems, betrayers may show signs of life, but you/they have issues that the betrayed don't have to deal with. Guilt, shame, re-evaluation of self. Not to mention questions about how you/they feel. We as betrayed, I feel, are pretty one dimensional. LOSS. All of the rest are residuial, IMO. Stuff we have to go through. I duuno, hang in there, it may happen as you want, it may not. But if you do it right you'll be okay. You'll know...<P><BR>Eric32

Hey Eric,<P>Your post is very insightful. Probably wish it weren't, in a way, huh??? You know of what you speak!!<P>I respect you for hanging tough for such a long time. I know that marriages can be saved, but only if both people want it to be saved, and hopefully at the same time ( ). That's the rub, I think, in my marriage situation, and in many marriages on this board. When I want so desperately to work things out, he doesn't, and vise versa. And yes, sadly, I feel just as you say I do. I lost the love. God help me. It's gone. I keep trying to find it. I work too hard to find it... try to not do anything and sit and wait to find it... ignore it and hope it will hit me upside the head... it just won't come back. It doesn't matter what we do... we just can't get it back. Both of us look at each other and it's as if a big wall has gone up (clear, lucite so we can see, but not touch).<P>My H and I have both betrayed. His remorse came much later in the game. Truly, it came after my affair. It's like a bell rung, a lightbulb went off, and he suddenly realized how much it hurt me when he cheated. Too late, I'm afraid. <P>My affair pretty much destroyed my heart and soul. I have run the gammot of emotions, ending with plain old apathy. I'm torn between reaching out for happiness with anyone who will love me and retreating to the solice of my home and never coming out. Guess I need to call that therapist, huh???<P>I'm in a very vulnerable place. Again. Who would have thought this would be my life one day. Not me!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P>

Thank you Eric32,<P>I appreciate a commentary like this and find it heartwarming to hear from a true veteran some words of perspective. It was well said... we can all pull some meaning out of it. It gives us this something to think about other than hate, anger or sadness.<P>Thank you. <P>Jim

hello eric, thank you for the post. Very insightful...very timely. Seems there are a lot of people here that are suffering in so many different dimensions. While we cannot relate to the pain all feel, the bottom line is all have immense pain. Is one any more or less than the other? Is the pain of ending the relationship any more significant than that of staying? Who has the most pain? It really does not matter, what matters is how we recover and where we go! <BR>I am so sorry to here the date for the divorce is soon. But it is good to hear that you will be able to be such an effective parent! Such a great person!<BR>Thanks, cl

Eric32 --<P>First, you should be commended for trying your best to rebuild. You know for yourself that you did all you can, and have apparently accepted where the relationship is going. I am sorry about the divorce, but and happy that you have seemed to respect you children and your S, regardless of the pain she has brought you.<P>If there's anything that shines through your post, it is this: There are two sides, two perspectives in the "battle" to rebuild. It's so important that both parties recognize and respect that fact. They might not understand it -- I know I don't. But, I realize that I must see my W's side to trully repair and/or heal. Thank you for pointing it out.<P>Best to you and your family during a trying time.<P>-- keystone

Thanks for the replies guys. I am thankful and sorry that betrayers have the "extra" things to go through. I think it makes it so much more difficult to get going again. It seems that once the betrayer begins to feel the guilt, etc., you are trying to rebuild a marriage with someone who is struggling to rebuild themselves. This is true for the betrayed to a certain extent as well. With all of this emotional stuff in a blender, it's amazing any one can sort though it to find love, let alone the stability to even start.<P>Eric