scared as hell - Marriage Builders® Forums

I'm scared as hell. As the time is getting closer to disclosure, I'm having some feelings of doubt if I should. I believe that I should, but I am so scared. I'm trying to set it up for this week, maybe Wednesday. I see the counselor on Monday, she sees him on Thursday. I'm thinking about talking with her with her sister and brother in law present, Anyone have any thoughts? Should I tell her about the length of the affair or wait for her to ask for more details? How should I tell her, what should I say, maybe it doesn't really matter as long as I get it out.I'm trying to be strong and trust in God for reconciliation and I've had thoughts about if she feels she has the strength to work it out. She might not feel, even if she wanted to that she could do it. It will take a lot of work, but I believe that we can have a more intimate and close relationship than we've ever had before, if we stay in the fight.She just got home, driving all day in bad weather and my boy called me to tell me that they got home allright. He said W doesn't really want to talk to me right now. I plan to see them Monday evening, just to drop off my in laws dog that I've been watching over the holidays. Thought I might approach her about a meeting Wednesday.By the way, one more question. I've had testing done and may not get the results til 1/10, should I wait for the results before I disclose?TrustnTruth, what do you say? How about it Patient Love? Can you add anything Kyhre?God bless you all, I appreciate you so much.

Being one who hasn't told my H anything about my affair yet, I have no advice for you, but I want you to know that I understand your fear! And my prayers are with you. You are one step ahead of me, being that you have decided to do it. Everyone keeps telling me that when you do disclose you should tell everything. She will still have questions, no doubt. I really feel for you right now. Good luck....

Disregarding the gospel according to Dr. Harvey for a minute... What will cofessing to your W really accomplish other than to maybe alleviate some of your own guilt & causing her pain? You've decided that you want the affair to end & stay with your W, why be cruel?I understand that this goes against the popular beliefs of this board, but is there really a blueprint for things like this?

Sorry, I got the name wrong. Obviously I meant Dr. Harley. Sorry again.

Francesca, How about going and reading the<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> this should answer any questions you may have about honesty>Bill ------------------ BB

Do the Sister and Brother in law already know? Do they believe marriages can work out after infidelity? Are they behind reconcilliation? Maybe it would be better to do this with the counselor. You could talk to the counselor about it when you see them.I'll cover you in prayer - for the day that you are going to disclose. Once you've let us know what day it is, I'll start a little prayer vigil for you.I do think you need to tell your wife, and the sooner the better. But I don't know that the time and the place is really best.And if your wife doesn't want to talk to you right now, maybe it isn't good timing? Maybe you could talk to the counselor about this, and after the counselor has had a chance to prepare her and advise you as to the timing - it would be better.Many counselors don't believe in telling. But many counselors don't have a 90% success rate, either. I do believe honesty is best, but it is very important that you are telling her at the right time and place. Let us know what you decide. tnt

repenting,I would want to know. Even knowing all this paoin I have endured, I would want to know that my H was truthful to me. The best thing you have going is that you want to save your marriage. Look at how many of us know, endure this pain and have S's who aren't interested in the marriage at all because they are off busy being in love with the OP!Truth is the basis of any intimate relationship worth having, in my opinion. The most wonderful thing that can happen to anyone is to be loved DESPITE the things they have done!!!Good luck....Roll Me Away------------------ "Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."Sir Humphry Davy

Repenting~ You definately need to tell her the complete and honest truth about the whole thing, otherwise the two of you are fighting a battle to unite over something that both of you aren't aware of. Though my H and I were in counselling and working on restoring our marriage it wasn't going to go anywheres until he told me the whole situation and got it out in the open, prior to that it was like a wound that festered between the two of us, me knowing yet not knowing and him knowing and not telling. My prayers are with you, this must be the most difficult of situations. But how could you do otherwise? It wouldn't be a true marriage if you didn't both know what your working on acheiving. God Bless you!------------------ Chick's BrenYou won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I think repenting decided to tell, just trying to figure out how, when, and is scared to death.I am proud of your other post, repenting - in which you were visualizing the success. You can do this, and you can do this with God. You know it is the right thing to do, and God will honor your sincerity and will help you do it.Lord, please help repenting's wife, be with her and give her comfort and strength as she receives the truth. And Lord, please be with repenting, to have wisdom to do as you would have him do, when and where it is best.In Jesus Name. Amen.

Thank you all so much for encouragement, I know I have to tell her soon, because it's eating me alive now that I've started talking about it. I'll keep you posted.

RepentingI didn't realize you had a double post on this subject. I repleyed to you in your other post of the same title. My prayers go with you.------------------ Love and Prayers Nicole

Repenting, i told h this weekend. Of course he was very very hurt. I didnt go into great detail with him. He told me yesterday that he wishes I would have never told him. But the great thing is. Sunday was our first day back in church and it was great. I showed him some MB stuff and he agreed to do it. He did go off when I told him, however I can tell the difference it has made already. Yes I did have sex with the OM. But I did not volunteer that information to him, nor did he ask. I dont think I would have told him that anyway. So that is up tp you. Today is the first day that I would be able to ahve contact with the OM. You guys pray for me! This is a ourhg day. Im not even gonna call the OM to tell him it is over. I dont think he will call me either. I havent seen him or spoke to him since Wednesday. So why should i have to start the withdrawal process all over. Thank you so much for all your prayers! They are being answered! Guys! My family is finally back together! I LOVE IT! Although we have alot of work ahead. I just wanted you to know how I went about it! Hope this helps you! God Bless you !

That's great news Imamess, we'll continue to pray for you.I need to tell the room something. I've become increasingly aware that I am a sexual addict. I can see now how I have used my relationship with W, dominating and manipulating to hang on to my addiction. I'll go back and read Dr H's comments about dependency, but right now I can see how we have been functioning in dependency. As long as W was submissive, I had control.. I've also realized how much shame I have had for the things that happened, not just in our marriage but even as early as childhood. For example I was with my Mom when she was with OM, not sexually but most affectionatly. I've since discovered by talking with family, (my parents are both deceased) that my mom must have had several affairs. And that she was abused as a child herself.I am beginning a recovery program, and now I can see that my fear in telling W is more about my addiction that about reality. Don't misunderstand, I'm still scared, but I realize the deep fear is not of God, but of my addiction.I'm on a roller coaster, but my downs seem to be recovering quicker as I learn about addiction behaviors.My most significant goal, even before saving my marriage is saving myself, then saving my children from the affliction of addiction. I'm still trying to visualize success. When I am calm, I am hopefull that the freindship my W and I truely have had, may be our hope for saving our marriage.I'm seeing the counselor today, I know I need to tell her soon, because I've started telling people around her, which now I regret. Frankly I can see how even that action was addictive behavior, because I was looking for love and acceptance from them.This must STOP in this generation, no more children in my family.

Repenting,It is so good for you to come to the realization to the root of your problems. So many people look to their past and say "I am this way because of what my parents did to me..." but don't take it any further. With realization comes responsibility and action. Good for you to be so willing to take the action needed to fix what is wrong in you. I will be praying for you in the near future. Let us all know when the day is so we can all light our MB candles for you.------------------ Love and Prayers Nicole

I agree 100% with Francesca. Dr. Harley is a good advisor, but he isn't infallible. I believe that in many cases disclosure (total honesty) is a huge mistake and can do far more damage than good.Disclosure will only serve to alleviate your suffering at your wife's expense. You know what? Life isn't fair. Sometimes you have to bear your burden alone and silently, not forcing others to suffer while you do, or forgive you of something which is unforgiveable. I think disclosure is more often than not an extremely selfish act. If you had one ounce of decency in you, or a semblance of a spine, you would spare your wife the anguish you will definitely inflict upon her with your confession.Confession may be good for your soul, but it will drag your wife into an emotional & mental Hell. If you ever truly loved her, you'd keep this to yourself...------------------ ~~ Elixir ~~