Empty Sinking Feeling - 01/03/00 02:58 AM
While I was at work today (Chiefs vs Raiders), I experienced a deep empty sinking feeling. I hadn't felt this feeling since my exgirlfriend broke up with me during Christmas 1982. I hated it then and I hate it now.<P>It is more problematic for me now than it was then because I have our boys to worry about. I want to shield them from the pain that I see coming. However, I know the very best that I can do is be there for them. I know that was what I needed when itforst happened 17+ years ago. I talked with a mutual friend between exgilrfriend and me tohelp me through that tough period.<P>I talked with that friend yesterday. I let her know that W and I may be getting a divorce because I had had it with the crap. Then W decided we should talk and she told me she wanted a divorce because she has had it. I can understand where she is coming from. I didn't before until I started to feel what she has been feeling. I understood where she was coming from but was unable to feel it. NOW I FEEL IT ALL TO WELL.<P>I haven't given up hope though. This morning when she came home from work at the skating rink she apologized for getting home so late. She should have gotten home about 12:30am rather than 2:00 am. She was being considerate enough of my feelings to say that she is sorry. She told me that the reason she had the affairs was because she was confused. I know that she is still confused because she gives me mixed signals like the apology while during the next moment she will treat me as though I am her worst enemy.<P>I am preparing for the best of the worst case scenarios: the one she agreed to which is to stay married until we can financially afford to get a divorce. I am praying that during that time frame that we will get close again. Because money is freeing up, I plan on doing more with the boys (and her if she will come) because it is meaningful to her and the boys and me as well. I plan on doing more of the family things that I wanted to do when I was a boy.<P>I also plan to fix the things around the house that need fixing. This is anoother one of her complaints. It is difficult to do everything when you have to work your butt off to keep from going into bankruptcy while your better half wants to contiue doing those things that caused you to get near bankruptcy in the first place. <B>This is just me venting. I am partly to blame for this behavior.</B><P>I have a surprise birthday party planned for her on 21 Jan which is her birthday. It is also the day she has her session with her therapist. She doesn't want me to take her or go with her to the therapist. She thinks I will try to use it against her. She feels this way because I gathered all the necessary facts to prove that she was cheating on me. It wasn't that I wanted to use it against her. I just needed the evidence to let her know that what she thought was a secret really wasn't a secret.<P>I have rambled long enough. Please understand that most of this is venting. I would have done this with my pastor since he talked to her today, but the last time I did that he thought I was trying to take advantage of her. I know I am acting irrational now which he thinks so also. I guess it is my last ditch effort to bring some sanity back into my life. JUST VENTING. NEED TO GET THE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD. I can't doing it the way that I usually do it by talkin out aloud as though I were having a conversation with her. Will probably do that tomorrow on the way to work.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P>