Should she know? - Marriage Builders® Forums

I'm curious...is it better to know or not know? I guess what I'm getting at here is ... are you better off now that you know, or would you rather have never found out {about an affair}. I'm obviously contemplating this question and I'm looking here for input.

what side are you on?did you betray or did you get betrayed against?happy me...ha!

That's an extremely easy one for me to answer. I would, beyond a shadow of a doubt, rather know than not know. What kind of marriage can you have while your spouse is having an affair? Not much of one, that's for sure. No matter what the outcome of finding out, it's always 100% better than being left in the dark. Despite all the pain it can cause, you can also learn a lot from it, and grow from it. And if necessary, move on to a better relationship with a better person. ------------------ The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Helen Keller

Does it matter in the scheme of things? I mean Is honesty the best policy? If you could have hidden it, would you have continued hide it (end the affair), but no disclosure? Or is it better out in the open?

curious -- I don't hink I understand your question. In every case I know of personally, and most that I have read here the offended spouse has known something was wrong even if they didn't know for sure that an affair was taking place.By the same token, many things that I have read here by those who did the betraying have said that they couldn't continue to hide things for much longer.I guess I would have to repeat StevieB's question . . .Which side are you on? What is it that is making you ask such an obscure question without saying anything regarding why this question is bothering you. God Bless

i betrayed.... honestly?for me, it was rough at first, but I do feel closer to my wife now. SOME good came out of this... although I know I took the wrong course to get here....just my 2 cents ------------------ I fell in love all over again... I fell in love with my wife.

For goodness sake-if you gotta hide things in a marraige why the heck be married? I mean really-if you wanna cheast then get unmarried. I don't think anyone should put themself in a position of having to or wanting to hide anything!!!!I would be furious if I one day found out all on my own the H had an affair. That means a fake marriage all along in my book.My answer is-you had better tell me!!!!!heartache - and it does

I'm just confused, tired, sick of this situation, and want resolution. I'm trying to decide if its better for all parties involved to know about it than just the two betrayers. This affair has been going on for 2 years.

Is it over?

You guys are right. A marriage based on hiding, lying, and infidelity is no marriage at all....just a habit.

No its not over.

what is the ideal resolution? divorce? perhaps allowing affair to lead to marriage? or end affair? ------------------ For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

Don't know...that's why I found this place. I guess I'm looking for answers and stumbled upon this board...I figured going to the source for info/advice/help was the best way. {I guess I also wonder if an affair is an affair and could it really work?}

So what choices are you considering?Are there children involved?What are your priorities?

Affairs are wrong. Period. Are you asking if continuing an affair can work? I can almost guarantee, even though it's been 2 years, eventually it will be discovered. I wish you'd consider giving a few more details [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

My Choices are: (1) dumping him.... (2) telling her..... (3) getting on with my life.ORStaying in a wonderful relationship -- but only part-time....where everyone gets cheated.

OK...you're in a same sex relationship?or maybe I'm totally confused and need to go nite nite? *L*

So are you saying you are in a relationship with another man and wondering if you should tell your wife?

curious -- I'm sorry, but I am really confused. There is now way anyone here can help if you won't tell us what's going on.

Sorry...I didn't want to just say "hey, I'm the OW", but unfortunately I am. But I honestly want to do the best thing possible for all parties involved. I love him, but can live w/o him IF I have to. I feel that 2 years in an affair is WAY too long. I think he needs to sh** or get off the pot. He's got the best of both worlds here...and its not fair to her or me. She, apparently, knows nothing about it. But I think that "women know." I came here because I want to see ALL sides in this kind of relationship, and right now I can only see my side and his side. I felt I could get some perspective here....I can't very well call her and discuss it...although I'd really like to. So, what are my next steps?

OK...editing time since you gave us some info. Regarding your dilemma, betrayal is betrayal. Your MM should tell his W. HE SHOULD TELL HER, not you. She has a right to know. It won't be easy facing the consequences. The easy thing to do is continue the affair behind her back, where it will be discovered sooner or later. What takes alot of guts is getting it out in the open and dealing with it. That's only fair so all parties know what they're dealing with. JMO To be OW for 2 years isn't fair to you. Don't you deserve more than just "stolen moments?" Of course you do! Unfortunately some men/and women, will gladly have their cake and eat it too. I recommend removing yourself from the equation. If you've been lurking here...initiate a Plan B on him. NO CONTACT. He needs to make up his mind. A marriage is for 2 people...3 is a crowd. [This message has been edited by Kyra (edited August 28, 1999).]

curious -- Thank you. the more you tell us the better we can understand and try to help.Let me make one warning before I go any further . . . IF you are the OW to someone who posts here, then PLEASE do not use this forum to talk with "them." All that will do is start another war, and we have had far too much fighting here lately.With that out of the way. What do you want? I mean why did you come here? Why did you decide to post here? How can we help?

OK...cleared that up.You are in the right place if you are looking for insight. Read read read. You are right in that your MM has the best of both worlds. Why do you think he is not leaving his wife?I can almost guarantee what you have been lead to believe is far from the truth.------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

I'm just shaking my head. I amaze myself. I think it's worse when someone knows what the right thing to do is and just doesn't do it. I'm talking about me BTW. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Curious, FHL is right. Cheaters lie. I know I'm one of them.------------------ For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

First of all, I would NEVER use a forum like this to rip all of our lives apart. Besides the sheer tackiness of it...I don't really feel its my place to inform her (yet I think she has a right to know). It seems very unfair to me that I know about her and she doesn't know about me (I assume). What I'm looking for, I guess, is anonymity. Also, people who've been close to this and have been through it. I don't want to ruin someone's else's life...but I also now want a life for the 2 of us...which he says he wants too. I guess I want to know what to expect and be prepared. I've read alot on this subject, but its not exactly soemthing you can talk about with your friends and family. I just don't know if I'm/we're prepared for this.

Kyra, Read your other thread the other day. I know what a terrible place you are in.Be strong. Do the right thing. Read and reread your signature verse and stay in God's will.Everyone is hear to listen.------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

curious,Why do you think the wife knows something is wrong? Of course we all had maybe an uneasy feeling during the affair, but couldn't put our finger on it. Do you two spend a lot of time together? If he gets to see you often, then like you said, he's definitely got the best of both worlds. Why would he have to leave his wife....------------------ The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Helen Keller

Back to FHL's question...are there kids involved?

curious -- I think I am confused again. Are you saying that you want to continue this relationship with your MM and that you are looking for information on how to continue along this route?If that is what you want, then I think you have come to the wrong place.

>>Distrusting--good point...why would he have to leave?>>Kyra>>yes there are kids involved...and I don't want this to ruin their lives.And I did break it off for a while...but you know how that goes.......And yes, I do see ALOT of him...the only time he goes home is to sleep.

>>empty shell.....No I don't want to continue it this way. I'm sick of being the OW. Belive me, I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

You're in the right place all right, but be prepared to have a lot of betrayed's agony aimed at you (that is, we are gonna tell you what you need to hear, and it might not be pretty, kay?). of course, the answer is simple, and you know it. leave. just leave. he's using you, he's lying to her, she is in utter agony, and you deserve better. get out, and never, never talk to him again. never. don't call her. i hate dealing with my H's girlfriend..she calls me. i just want her to GO. take a long hike off a tall cliff. get it? okay, i'm done.------------------ for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.

Curious, You said you want a life now for just the 2 of you. I'm sure MM planned that same thing with the woman he married; but, that's obviously changed. One thing for you to consider is...is he worth it? I don't believe in "once a cheater, always..." Sometimes circumstance leads good people to make bad choices. But sometimes people just keep making bad choices and leave casualties in their wake. You could be his W someday with a OW waiting in the wings. Just something to for you to consider. It's not pretty; but, nothing about cheating is.

curious -- I do believe that you wouldn't wish this on an enemy.If I have learned anything during my time on this forum, it is that all parties involved in infidelity feel tremendous pain and guilt.Maybe my brain just isn't working very well tonight, but I still am not sure what you are looking for.Are you married? If so does your H know what's going on? You said there are kids involved. Are there any between you and your MM?I'm still confused curious. can't you give us some more details on what has happened in your situation?

Since you answered about the children. If he leaves his W, you will NEVER have a life with "just the 2 of you". You will always have his children AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEIR MOTHER. You need to look at this from all sides. The children. The precious, innocent children. They're in this picture too.

You are right. Children are the priority.No one's needs should come before their needs. Don't know if you are a mom yourself, but if you are, think about this. Your MM is definetly putting his needs before those of his children and before those of the very woman he vowed to love and be faithful to for life.If he would put his own needs before his own kids...when a good parent would gladly die for their kids...do you think you could possibly be number one in his life.I'm thinking he is number one in his life.------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

LWB>> LOL :-) maybe my guilty conscious brought me here and I need the beating to push me in the right direction.Kyra>>I've discussed this with him...I'm the one who told him "once a cheater -- always a cheater"ES>>see reply to kyra. and no I'm not married, no kids, many animals, good job, normal person (other than the 'homewrecker' part)

ah yes, children. My H's OW keeps backing out for the sake of my children. how kind of her. SO WHY IS SHE STILL AROUND!?!?!?!? (sorry, curious, read my post. im not a happy camper tonight)

Kyra--yes, I know that...I know what he'll pay for child support in this state, I know we'd have them every other weekend. I realize she will always be a part of our lives. I realize all this. I'm not pretending or naive. Faith--:-) I guess that's true of all men isn't it (making themselves #1 in their lives? Do I sound bitter? UnPC? Sorry.

curious,Are you married or single? I think it has a big impact, and I'm thinking that you're single and want to tell the OM's wife about it. I'm guessing that you kind of want to bring things to a head, to see where you stand in this OM's life. For a single person in love with an OM who is married, it's kind of a different situation, because you have no ties, and are trying to get on with your life, with or without him. But you want the OM's wife to know what's going on, because this would put a certain amount of pressure on him to disclose all secrets and bring it all out in the open, to see where he really stands. Tell me if I'm wrong.

I know what it's like to be a "normal" person, who has always "done the right thing". I've always followed the "straight and narrow" and then...I jerk the wheel and take a side road. Talk about a rough one too! AND WHAT A MISTAKE! Just because H chose it, I didn't have to follow! Anyway... my point... It's not too late to get back on the right track Curious. I don't think you'd be here if you didn't know what the right thing to do is. You just need confirmation. (correct me if I'm wrong). You're struggling with what is right and what feels good. P.S. By stating the obvious about his children, I didn't mean to offend. Just gentle reminding/persuasion... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[This message has been edited by Kyra (edited August 28, 1999).]

LWB>>yes, I did read it...I'm the one that said 'kick him to the curb'

Is it me, or is this thread moving at the speed of light? *l*

Kyra>>yup, I guess you just about nailed it on the head.

curious -- I'm not trying to say your not a normal person. Everyone here normal, or at least we were once upon a time.I guess I'm just a slow learner soemtimes. Maybe I'm wrong here, but it sounds to me like you are at a stage in your relationship with the MM where you think you need to be "out of the relationship" but for whatever reason don't know how to "get out."IF that is the case, then I do not know what help I can offer you other than being willing to listen. I have never experienced what you are going through, but like most everyone else here, I am willing to listen and offer advice when asked or when I think I can offer something to help.I hope that makes sense.Since I have been neglectful so far . . .Welcome. I am sorry that you find yourself in a position where you need to be on this forum.

Kyra>>no offense taken. Just didn't want you to think I was some wide-eyed pie-in-the-sky dreamer. Mad>>I'm beyond that "how does he feel about me" stage. But I do think things are coming to a head...

yeah, you did read my post. i would kick him, if i could get my pregnancy swollen feet to the level of his @$$. (who, ME, angry? nahhh)

Madelyn, It's not just you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Curious, Girl, I know how you feel! You've got a bad case of "Want to love 'em but need to leave 'em". OK...that might be corny but my excuse is it's 1 am here... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

ES>>thanks, but I'm not sorry I'm here...this is the best forum for getting many different views of a situation. I've read some of the posts in here and I'm sorry that people do some of the viscious things I've read about here to each other (I know I know--I'm being hypocritcal). what can I say, it isn't always black and white.

Sooo...if it came to a head...what is your best guess of what would happen:1. If MM had his way 2. If you had your way 3. If wife had her way 4. If it went the right way------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

love Was Blind, When is your baby due? And thanks for the message above, I almost missed it.Curious, You and I both know what the right thing to do is, in our respective situations. Why don't WE GET OFF THE PROVERBIAL POT?

Kyra- baby girl, due 10-9. 2yo sleeping peacfully. "infidelity diet" is getting me a lot of grief from the doctor, 'EAT MORE!'curious-you aren't bad, just misguided. it's very tough, but you know what is right.i'm going to bed now. good luck

curious -- I don't think your being hypocritical at all. I know that I have done things in my situation which I wouldn't have done under "normal" circumstances.Correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn't you rather be in love with a man who did not have a family that he was playing against you. I mean if you had met your MM when he was single wouldn't things be a lot easier for you? That's what I mean when I say that I am sorry you have need to be here. This is a very good place for me to be as well, so I can understand what you are saying.

FHL>>You know, I really don't know. I think it would play out like this.... 1. If he had his way...he'd continue to have his cake and eat it to...(me and her) 2. If I had my way....I'd have all my bills paid off, a clean kitchen, richard gere cooking in it, and an aerobically toned body. 3. If wife had her way....She'd probably want #2 as well 4. If it went the right way...see #2 and #3 :-)

If you're beyond the "how he feels about you" stage, you've already tackled a major hurdle. Sounds to me like you're kind of between the "he's not an honest person, how could I contemplate wanting a future with him" and "getting it all out in the open, bringing it to a conclusion" stage. Sounds as if you want closure, one way or another. I betrayed before (as did my Husband) so I can see where you are coming from. But here are some things I've learned (my perspective only):The relationship built upon lies and deceit, (married partner) will ultimately bring forth the same...lies and deceit in the new relationship.The person who is involved in an affair has to "own up" to what is driving them to seek a relationship other than with their spouse. Is it really the spouse that's "so bad" or is it something that needs to be addressed within themselves?You're having some serious doubts about this, which is good, because you are knowing the difference between right and wrong here. This is wrong, I know it, I was there. And in retrospect, it's so easy to say, "geez, what a complete fool I was to ruin what I had". You aren't married, but you have the chance to change things NOW. Take a look at this guy, he's not honest with his wife, he's (I'm sure) not honest with you. Take it from someone who's been there, it's the most horrible pain one can inflict upon another, causes IRREPERABLE damage to lives. Would be happy to talk to you if you want more in depth.

I'm going to call it a night. Curious, if anything, in trying to help you, I've helped myself a little. Now I'm going to "sleep on it". I've posted to you as someone who's been both betrayed/betrayer. I was pregnant like LWB when my H first cheated on me. The pain his W is facing in her future is UNREAL. I cannot convey to you in words how it feels. My oldest child is old enough to know something's amiss with Mommy & Daddy but too young to understand what it is. His W & children...I just don't know what to say. Anyway, since the affair cannot be undone, his W cannot be spared the heartache. As long as this situation continues, the hurt is only postponed and her healing cannot begin. You cannot be a whole person either, not being a player in deceit. Good night everyone. ------------------ For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

Kyra, I was wondering about this fast moving thread, there must be some record here on MB for this.. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

mad>>you know, this is very interesting: "The person who is involved in an affair has to "own up" to what is driving them to seek a relationship other than with their spouse. Is it really the spouse that's "so bad" or is it something that needs to be addressed within themselves?" Somebody should write that in stone somewhere. You've given me stuff to seek within myself here...what do I need to address in myself that drives me to be with someone who is unattainable? very interesting.......

Great answer. But if he couldn't have his cake and eat it, too.If for whatever reason his wife did find out or one of the three of you brought it to a head...what do you think would really happen?Do you think MM would choose you, or come to you if wife kicked him out?Would you want him to? Would you allow it?Who ultimately has the most control in your triangle?

Yes, I'm going to bed too...Definetly have stuff to think about...Thank you all SO MUCH...this is my first time on a bb and really proved to be worth it. I will be checking in with you guys again SOON...TTFN

Well, once again I am not qualified to be offering my opinons. Also since I am a man, I am once again outnumbered and not able to give to the type of interaction which most here seem interested in.Curious, I hope that you find what you are looking for in life. Good Luck.God Bless