I am probabally driving you all nuts, as this is my 3rd post in 2 days. It is so great to be able to vent like this, and I think it helps me to not "always be talking about it" with my husband as he complains about. We are using "His Needs, Her Needs" and the book talks about H going through withdrawl over not seeing OW, and that he will always love her (that is hard to handle!) But H says he feels nothing for her. I know him, and there is no way that he can tell some one that he loves them, and then boom, feel nothing. I can't help wondering if, 1) he is just trying to spare my feelings, 2) since he sees her every night at work, maybe he hasn't had to go through the withdrawl yet, (remember she works for him) 3) maybe it isn't as "over" as he says. <BR>I'm sorry you all, I told you this is all I think about, it is almost an obsession. My feelings are really, really scary to me. I can honestly say that in over 20 years of marriage I have never felt jelousy, or distrust before. And especially I have never ever "hated" anyone before. I pray that God will take away those feelings especially. I know that it is H fault just as much or more, but she knew what she was doing too, she knew he was married, and she is still after him hot & heavy. One thing I will not do is feel sorry for her, like H does. I don't care that she may be hurt, I hope she is. I wish on her just 10% what I am going through.<P><BR>This is a really bad letter, sorry

My H had told OW that he loved her in email and other ways I really don't care to know about. Anyway, my H told me that he didn't have withdrawls and I really don't think he did. Then one night he told me that he missed her, he said it was horrible that he felt that way. He will never admit that he felt that way or that he said that to me. I happened to catch him at a weak moment. For that moment in time, I became his best friend not his wife. I put my feelings aside and just comforted him. Your H, like mine may not want to acknowledge the feelings of withdrawl. I think my H thought that if he thought about it and discussed it, the feelings- would be brought back to the surface. So he burried them and they finally have seemed to disappear, although he does ever now and then think about OW and her H (long story - I contacted OW's H and we became friends -for lack of a better word). My H wants her to be happy or not in pain, me I would like to see her be miserable for just a while. Hope this was helpful. Monique

yes it is an obsession and it sucks.<P>i am not having a good day, after a year i still have obsessive days, when my brain is in the anguish loop---but they are getting fewer and farther between, really. <P>nothing nice to say, just to let you know you're not the only one. it's a bad day for confusedwife too. look at her post from today. <P>and check out the woman's bible study forum, lots of encouraging stuff. i need to read it and remember stuff i wrote myself----the pain comes in waves sometimes.

Hi,<BR>I just stop by once in a while, been here a long time, I'm in recovery now for 23 mo., Married 30 years.<BR> <BR>IMO,,,,There are different kinds of love to withdrawl from. I truly believe that in these cases that the spouse comes back to reality, that the love they had for the OW/OM, is quite different then they have for their W/H. After all, who you truly love, is who you stay with. Love is deep, love has a past, a present and a future. What they had, were moments, even in those cases of longer affairs, they are still moments compaired to a marriage. Love is made up of the good and the bad, the sickness and health, the better and worse of our years together. When this hits home,,, when they see what they will be missing,,, what they have had and what will be,,, they come around, they soon forget the OP and the so called fantasy feelings they had for them. You say, "you know him", Think about that one. No, we don't know them, not this way........<P>I really think that your H can't move forward very fast working with the OW. There may come a day when he will sicken of her because he is tired of all of this. This Bad Brain Period takes a while to clear up.<P>These guys get angry because they realize what they have done and what they have to go through now, how they have hurt the one they really love, they don't know how to handle it. We don't know how to handle them or even ourselves. <P>I know what you are going through,,,,,,It's H***! It is all worth it, if you love this person and want to spend the rest of your life together,,,,it will be a new life you will have to make. After the initial hurt, the embarrassment, anger, and low self esteem,,,,,,you will pick yourself up, ride the roller coaster for a while, get help here on the board, see that you aren't crazy, and someday you will be here like me. Having compassion for your H, warm feelings, trust, respect,comfort, acceptance that it happened,,,,, you got through it because of love, and you will move on. <P>I haven't forgiven my H for the affair, but I have forgiven him for hurting me, he did not set out to do that,,,,,,, I still and always will take out my anger on the OW, (in my mind), because she isn't remorseful, doesn't care about me and our family, like my H does, and I will hurt for the rest of my life deep down as my H will always carry his guilt. But we both know this and don't throw it at each other any more,,,, it is just understood. That is love too.<P>Hope this helps some.............I too, have learned the hard way. It takes LOTS of TIME.<P>Almost Happy<P>------<BR>TIME

cryinginside&out,<P>Yours is not an obsession, his is. It is OK to feel uneasy, insecure, distrustful, hateful, scared, etc. It's all part of the healing process (I wish I was where you are). Hang in there, you are doing great.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR>

CIO - It takes time, Hon. You'll work through these feelings. They'll get easier and easier to handle.<P>As you do more and more for you and your marriage, the other things will fade. We've all been there. <P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

As the betrayer, I think it can go either way. Remember, each situation has many similarities but each is unique. When I came to my senses, my wife and I were in the process of reconciling and for six months I didn't have time to think about anyone but my wife. Since then (it has been over a year since that awful time), I really don't think much about the OW.<P>I don't know your H from beans but from my own experience it is possible to "fall in love" easily then just as easily "fall out of love". Just my two cents.<BR>

I just read your story from your profile...your husband is a butt head....I think he needs to read some of the posts and stories on this forum to understand you devistation.<BR>

You aren't driving me nuts, I was already there. <BR>What you are feeling and thinking isn't bad. I've been there too. I'm actually there right now. I don't wish my H's OW any pain, but like you, she knew what she was getting into. So don't think you are bad because you are having these feelings. They are normal.<BR>You are doing right by coming here to vent. The last thing you need to do is go off on your H. So keep these posts coming.<P>------------------<BR>Lots of love,<BR>Viki