Why is it not official yet? - Marriage Builders® Forums

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months now. We are both older and have never married before. We have been waiting for the right person to come along. We feel that God brought us together for marriage. In fact, I have no doubt in my mind that he is the one God has blessed me with for a spouse. We have talked about marriage for months now. He talks about when we get married and so on. When people ask when we are getting married, he responds, "We haven't made it official yet." He tells me that I am the one and that he also has no doubts about it. I just can't understand why he hasn't made it official yet. I feel like I can't talk with him about it because it will come across that I am pressuring him. I don't want that. I feel like my life is on hold right now. I know that I am being impatient. I have prayed about it and continue to pray. But the devil takes this opportunity to feed me lies like, "He doesn't want to marry you." "He's second guessing." and etc.I have told him about my fears and the lies that the devil feeds me and he assures me that they are lies. I believe him but the more time that goes by, the more the devil's lies start to set in as believable. How do I talk with him about this without it coming across as I am pressuring him?

Can I ask how old the two of you are?

Why don't you propose to him?

Late 20's and early 30's

Both of us are very old fashioned. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that and neither would he. We saw something about that the other day and we both talked about how backwards that was. He has it all planned out in his mind, I think. I just don't know what he is waiting on. We talk about it all the time but for some reason ... it's still not official.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by pup: Both of us are very old fashioned. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that and neither would he. We saw something about that the other day and we both talked about how backwards that was. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Pup, I can understand this. Some people would be fine with the woman proposing but I'm rather uncomfortable with it as well. I will tell you a little bit about me. I am 31 going to be 32 this month. Hard to believe that, but it's factually true. I've never been married and it's not because I haven't had opportunities. And while there have been moments of doubt over my past decisions, they've been moments and I know I'm glad I made those decisions then. My boyfriend is also my age, never married as well. So my boyfriend and I and you and yours are relatively the same age. Any premarriage counsellor or advisor will tell you the longer you know someone generally the better. Many will say not to get married until you've known each other for at least a year. I generally think this is good advice. Some people may be fine marrying earlier, but generally I think more information and time leads to better decisions. I am very much in love with my bf and he with me, but still we are taking things slow and not rushing. I'll admit to times when I get antsy wanting to secure the future so to speak. But I try to bring my sensibilities to myself. I have matured a lot even just in this relationship by waiting and becoming more patient about this. At first I wondered somewhat like you why not yet, but I'm seeing some wisdom now in waiting and I've grown quite a bit from it. In fact I believe I've learned some skills in waiting and being patient that I very much believe will help my marriage in the future. Dating is a wonderful time and unique. I think it's important to be sure to enjoy it. There's not the pressures, responsibilities and expectations that come up in marriage. It's important to enjoy the time we're given and there's a reason for it. Pup, I think it's great you guys talk about the future together. It's a fun thing to do. But also instead of feelign the pressure from this I'd challenge you to just enjoy this time and when your boyfriend is ready he'll pop the question. If he's not ready, you aren't either--it's a together thing. I know I haven't explained this all that well, but I hope it has helped. For me, I actually found a way to take that pressure off the relationship toward marriage. I decided to go back to school and finish some of my education goals. And what a wonderful time for it and he has proven to be very supportive of me in this area (which gains big points from me). It means I don't think about the relationship all the time and I don't become too focused upon it, but can consider it in right relation to the other priorities of my life. And my life with Mark is a priority to me.I hope you find a settling ground for a bit so you can enjoy the moments now which are truly so wonderful! Many married people look back to their dating period with their spouse with fond memories and wish for it again.HM

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. It is nice to know that there is someone else out there like me. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I enjoy this time that I have with bf right now. It is just hard sometimes because we know what the future holds just not when. I know that through this time, God is teaching us both a lot! I need to work on my patience, huh? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

The devil just likes to use this time to really work me up with his lies. Some days they are easier to fight than others. Again, thanks for your encouragement.

Pup,BTW I like your username. I understand-really. But to tell you the truth since I've relaxed about issues (and I'm still working on this) I enjoy life so much better, am able to appreciate him more, and he's having a better time enjoying me too. The stress was underneath there too whether or not I felt it.You're right though. Satan does try to steal from us the precious moments we are given. Married or not there are no guarantees for tomorrow in that alone. Believe me that your patience will pay off huge dividends and it'll be over the long run (ie lasting a long, long time)! I'm learning this myself. Either way we're working on the relationship and sometimes just letting time pass and enjoying it while it is here is building into something beautiful and wonderful! It'll build your relationship with him stronger too. You'll like yourself better and he will too.Enjoy him and let him enjoy you. Learn and grow. All of life is about learning and growing anyhow and you can do it now a lot less painfully than later if you choose to.Welcome to MB! And congratulations on finding a great guy who you're happy with!!!HM [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

There is some wonderful advice in this thread that I only wish I'd known six months ago. Pup, and Harmonious Melody, declare a moratorium on all marriage/proposal talk. When he's ready, you will have a beautiful, wonderful, surprise proposal, and the wait will have been worth it.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by younglove: There is some wonderful advice in this thread that I only wish I'd known six months ago. Pup, and Harmonious Melody, declare a moratorium on all marriage/proposal talk. When he's ready, you will have a beautiful, wonderful, surprise proposal, and the wait will have been worth it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You were right about when he's ready. I received a wonderful surprise this weekend. My boyfriend officially became my fiance. I was so surprised and had no idea. That's just like the Devil to attack you right before God is about to bless you. Thanks for all your prayers. I know that God's timing is always perfect. I have waited 28 years for God's timing and it was well worth the wait! I am excited to see what more work God has in store for our relationship for the rest of our lives ... the good times and the bad. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!Doesn't this make all the waiting worthwhile?

Congrats pup! I'll say a prayer tonight for you and your new fiance!

Congratulations! Each wait is preparation for a wonderful future. God bless.HM

“Why is it not official yet?: The Sequel” --------------------------------------------This topic REALLY hit home! THE FACTS: Me: just turned 30 My boyfriend: just turned 30 Dating: 4.5 yearsBACKGROUND: My boyfriend has been talking of marriage for the last year and a half. It had been a bumpy ride for the two of us earlier in the relationship due to our difficult childhoods. I, an avid relationship psychology buff, have done a LOT of reading. We had even gone to couple’s counseling for a time (yes, as boyfriend and girlfriend). We have done a lot of work and come a LONG way. I feel that a marriage between us could work successfully now. And he, with his hints of a ring, etc, have made me think he feels ready too. Even to the point that I have been 98% sure that he has been saving for a ring this year.THE PROBLEM: Even though I feel that I am in the “Home Stretch”, I am on “pins and needles” worrying that it won’t happen. I don’t feel this way all the time, but sometimes I get depressed about it. I know he has another bonus from his work coming any day now, and so I feel the ring could be here any day now. I can’t figure out why, knowing this, I could get SO down about it.The comment about the “the lies that the devil feeds” a person, really spoke to me. Just yesterday, against my better judgment, I made a comment to him about fearing I would never get a ring. It really upset him, and I felt totally foolish for saying it.WHAT I WANT FROM POSTING THIS: I want an outlet to help me get through axiety of waiting. I have decided to wait and say NOTHING about it for at least all of this month, July. I just need an outlet here for my fears, because I don’t want my fears and the devils whispered lies to make me say or do something foolish and regretful. Hopefully I will have good news to post sometime soon...Thanks, for reading, homeStretch? [This message has been edited by homeStretch? (edited July 01, 2001).][This message has been edited by homeStretch? (edited July 03, 2001).]

Hi homestretch,I am 22, my fiance is 24, and we have been together for seven years. Despite our young ages, I felt we were both at a steady place in our lives (we're both college graduates, he's a year into a career as a software consultant, while I have a Master's degree in physiology and am starting medical school) and after so many years, I was tired of taking flak from friends and family. (so when's the wedding already?) To make a long story short, I pressured him. Like crazy. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made, and hopefully ever will. Thankfully, he's stubborn, and waited until he was ready anyway - but after all the fights we had about it... let's just say it's been very painful. It was not like it could have been and I still kick myself every day. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but proposing is up to him, the how, where, what, and especially the when. If you wait patiently, I doubt you'll regret it. I wish I'd known that a year ago.Best wishes, Kerry

homestretch?Wow! I complete know how you feel. I was there just months ago. Everything that you were saying really hit home. I understand completely how you feel.I can tell you that the devil's lies are just that ... lies! I listened to them for months. I was depressed, obsessed and I caused un-needed problems in my relationship. Trust me. It's not worth listening to those lies.First of all, I trust that you have already given this relationship to the Lord. Second, I think it's important to establish what kind of relationship that you have with your BF and where it is going. Third, TRUST GOD! His timing is the most important. Look back 2 or 3 years ago. Would it have worked if you were married then? So, it was a blessing that you didn't rush into marriage at that time, right? Trust God! His timing is always perfect. I can say this because just a few months ago, I was exactly where you were at. Now that I am engaged, I see that God's timing was PERFECT! :> God had a lot of junk to work out in us which I am sure is the case with all of us.Advice ... use this time as BF and GF to grow in the Lord. If you can't do that dating, it will become worse after you are married. That is where I had to lay my focus. I won't lie to you ... it is still hard to fight those lies but focus on your relationship together with the Lord. God does some awesome work when you do that.Rest in this ... God loves you and your BF. He knows exactly what is best for you. I know that I am glad He is in control and not me (because it would be a mess).You are in my prayers!

First, congratulations, Pup!! I am very happy for you that your dreams have been realized and that you are peaceful and confident about your future.I read through these postings and found them interesting and have decided to go ahead and post myself to see what kind of feedback I receive. I tagged onto your email because I share your religious conviction and wanted to see what insight you might have about my situation. I have been dating a guy off and on for three years-- off and on because I have been unsure about our compatibility. He truly wants to marry me and I know he loves me deeply and would be loyal and committed to me. We both have very firm convictions about the marrital commitment and about the role of God in marriage (I mean that God sustains and graces marriage and that our commitment would involve God as well as ourselves). My boyfriend has some really fine gifts, he's extremely talented. But there are some things lacking. One is that I'm not sure we are in the same place intellectually. I sometimes just don't feel challenged, though I feel very guilty saying so. He's picked up on that feeling and it has hurt him, though I have never come out and said that exactly-- usually explained that I feel our thinking about things is different and that that's sometimes frustrating for me. Then, too, he is not a great planner, and though we both want marriage and a family and agree on religious matters, we don't have much of a life plan... more like four alternative plans, at least a couple of which are probably not very practical. He also just has some personality traits that rub me the wrong way-- sometimes immature and tasteless humor, that kind of thing. Sometimes it really (REALLY) gets under my skin, other times it doesn't bother me so much. We tend to bicker a fair amount, though we sincerely care about each other and do want to meet each others' needs. If I see he is hurting or dejected or needs something from me, I long to fill those needs. I do love this guy, though I'm not sure I'd say I feel "in love" with him, except some of the time. He'd do almost anything to make things work with us. Sometimes I want to work through our problems and other times, I feel pretty hopeless about us and feel it's gone on too long as it is. At the same time, I am very afraid of hurting him and of regretting that I didn't put enough into the relationship. Insights are welcome. I sincerely want to avoid an unfulfilling or unhappy marriage. I hope you don't mind my tagging on to your happy message with this somber one. ------------------ GT

Getting Tired,As I am reading your posting, I just want to tell you ... please, don't get married. Look into your heart; what is your desire for marriage? I believe that God places desires in our heart. Is your desire to marry this gentleman? He may be talented, wonderful, etc. but if you are not "in love" with him then does he really meet the requirements of your desire? The love that a man and woman share in a Christ-centered marriage is not a relationship where you care for someone deeply. You are in love with that person. (Look in the Bible at God’s analogy of Christ and His bride) Once you find that one person that meets the requirements for your desire, sure, there can be things that bug you about that other person but you are "in love" with that person. We are sinners. We do things that "bug" God (i.e. sin) but he is "in love" with us. You need to find that type of love. You haven't found that in BF. So, you need to separate yourself from that and seek God's will.I have no doubt in my mind that you care for this man deeply. I do believe that you have some valid concerns. I would just ask you to please separate yourself from the situation and seek God's desire that He has placed in your heart. There is a reason he put it there. God has the "best" for you. He knows ... He created you and this "best" knowing what was in store for you both. This "best" will meet your desire requirements because God created the desire, you and the "best".Over a year before I met my fiancé, I had dated a guy I thought I loved. We were intellectually compatible but not spiritually compatible. We both were Christians but on 2 totally different end of the spectrum. Once I sought after what desire God had placed in my heart, I realized this wasn't my "best." A year and a half after that breakup (which was hard), I met my fiancé. I cannot even begin to tell you how much different my definition of love is now that I have met him. I am SO GLAD that I waited and sought after God's "best" for me. A couple years ago I read the book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. It is a great book to read while single. Harris has recently released a new book called "Boy Meets Girl". I recommend anyone dating or engaged to read this book. It speaks into your life and your relationship.GT you are in my prayers!

pup- Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice. I haven't looked at it exactly that way before-- that GOD has placed my desires in my heart. Some of the people in my life think my standards for the marriage relationship are unrealistic. But I have never really believed that my desires are unreasonable.I believe that this site IS about making imperfect situations work and about the decision to love. On the other hand, Dr. Harley points out that the person you marry should be all that you want, at least at the time of your marriage. I must admit that I wish someone could really convince me of the exact opposite of what you are saying. I don't want to give up on my relationship and I DON'T want to lose or hurt my BF. But I also deeply desire to be married- happily if possible. And he deserves to be able to find someone else if it's not going to be me. (I hate even thinking that thought, much less writing it.)I'll look for the books you mentioned. I have seen "I Kissed Dating Good-bye" but have not read it.Thanks for your message and especially for your prayers.------------------ GT

Dr. Harley is right in that the person that you marry should be all that you want. If not, it is unfair to you and your BF. There is someone out there for the both of you that God has created just for you. You can’t find that person while you are settling for second best. (Please understand that I am not criticizing your BF at all. I am sure that he will be the “best” for someone but from reading your posting, it doesn’t look like your “best” is him.)I don’t think that your standards for marriage are unrealistic or unreasonable and I don’t even know them. God placed those desires in your heart, which have created those standards, and NOTHING that God does is unreasonable or unrealistic! Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise! Read Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” Read that very descriptive verse of how much God loves us. He takes DELIGHT in us. He REJOICES over us. He quiets us with his LOVE. HE SAVES US! He is WITH us. Do you think someone who loves us that much puts desires in our heart that are unrealistic? NO! Do you think someone who loves us that much created a second “best” for us? NO! He created us out of his love! He created the BEST for us because he LOVES us! Getting Tired, you are a special person. Your BF is a special person also. Both of you take time to pray, fast, delve into God’s Word and honestly discover the desires of your heart. Then … hold on to those desires and let God lead you. You are covered with prayers!

These topics really hit me hard. My fiancee and I have been dating for three years and engaged for two. We both just graduated from college and are looking for jobs. The past year has been kindof tough on both of us, we went through a time of not really knowing what we wanted and we kindof grew apart somewhat, both involved in school, ect and we didn't take the time to nurture our relationship or each other, we were on auto pilot. For a week or so we even discussed whether we should even still be together, however we reconciled and were fine for a month or so and then all of a sudden it was there again. . I don't really think it ever went away, just kindof buried. But, then we spent a week together and rediscovered all the things we fell in love for in the first place and things have been great since other than an occasional spat. .nothing big. Recently though I have found myself getting very impatient over the fact that we talk about getting married, are engaged and we haven't set a date, and I just feel so aggravated when people are always asking when the wedding is. .ect. I know it's probably Satan, trying to play on an area of insecurity. .ect. Satan is also feeding me the lines of "If he loved you he would be marrying you now", "He doesn't really want to marry you"ect. . But how do I win this battle, you mention, being patient, how did you do it? I am normally a VERY patient person, but I find myself becoming impatient in this area. .please HELP![This message has been edited by nlove (edited August 05, 2001).]

nlove,Trust me ... Patience is not my virtue! I am nowhere near patience. It is a very hard thing but you know ... it was worth it all. We have to remember that God is in complete control of our lives. I don't know about you but I want God's ordained perfect will for my life and I don't want to mess it up with what I see as "perfect timing." Only God's time is perfect. I use to hear the words, "When are you ever going to find someone and settle down?" I hate it when people do that. Do they think that it is my choice to be single for the rest of my life? NO! Now that I am on the other side of the coin and am engaged, I can look back to my single years and be grateful. God used me during those times to grow closer to Him. Because I was growing closer to Him, it was not my time for marriage. Don't listen to Satan's lies. They aren't worth it! Search the truth! Seek God's desires that He has put into your heart. I do suggest that you sit down with your fiance and find out what he sees the future to hold. What is his time frame? Communication is the key. If you feel you are ready but he is not, there is a problem. Both of you need to seek God's will for your lives. Pray and fast over your relationship. Communicate with God and communicate with each other. nlove, you and your fiance are in my prayers today!

Hi, nlove, This isn't a topic I can address with much wisdom-- my situation is quite the opposite of yours. But it did occur to me that if you are both still looking for jobs, your fiance may be ill-at-ease about setting a date until your financial situations are a little more stable. Especially if the two of you are going to be contributing to the cost of your wedding. Perhaps he even feels it would be irresponsible to set a date until he and you have the means to start putting money away for the wedding or for life after the wedding. I agree it should be something the two of you can discuss openly, and I agree with pup that it's a good idea to pray about it. I'll keep you in my prayers!I have a close friend who was kind of in your shoes- she and her BF finished school and were pretty clear about wanting to get married, but he had some anxieties about making ends meet and they waited awhile before marrying. Now they have been married almost a year and are very happy-- she says that, although it was tough to wait, she feels their first year was all the more rich because he felt truly ready when they did marry.Good luck!------------------ GT

Ditto with Getting Tired. Very well spoken!

THanks so much for the replies! It is so nice to have encouragement from others and to see other viewpoints. . SOmetimes it seems all I see is waiting till the wedding. .but sometimes I fail to see that there is life past it and that is only one day of the rest of our lives together. My fiance and I talked today actually about this issue, and he said that he doesn't want to get married right away b/c he isn't sure he's ready he feels he needs to grow more as an individual, ect. .(what is that?)I think he is also feeling alot of pressure from his family to get married and be on his own, and he is one of those people who is kindof stubborn and won't do something if someone pushes too hard. Which is one reason I don't really nag about getting married. Also I dont' want to get married if he is not ready, because that could be the cause of alot of problems down the road. But sometimes I think, is anyone ever completely "ready" to get married, I mean you never know what to expect or you can never pepare completely for something you have never done before, you know what I mean. But these are just some thoughts. . I have been praying about it alot and I'm really starting to feel some peace about the situation. . God has been showing me like you said that my timing is not always his timing ..and He knows what is best and he wants the best for me so I should trust him. But that is hard to do sometimes. . I know it shouldn't be but. . Well just thought I'd let you know what he said and get some feedback on what ya'll think. . Thanks again for your responses, they REALLY REALLY helped. .it's nice to know that there are others going through the same things. .Thank you for the prayers too, they are much appreciated. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I forgot to say that I really hadn't thought about the financial perspective, I knew that is why we are waiting to get married but I hadn't thought that could be a reason he doesn't want to set a date, and may feel unprepared for marriage right now. .THanks ! Also let me ask. .what do you view love as ? DO you think it is a choice or that it should be based on feelings. .My fiance and I were talking about that tonight .. just wondering. .

Good question. I think that we first need to look up the definition of love in the dictionary. "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness." So the dictionary basically describes love as a feeling that comes from a deep relationship or oneness.Now, lets look at God's Word. First, lets look at the famous 1 Corinthians 13:4-8; “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 John 3:16; “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” 1 John 3:18; “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 4:7-21 “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”I think that really what you are asking goes hand in hand. Love is a show of intense emotions for someone and with that feeling of love comes the fruits of that Spirit; kind, not envious, not boastful, not rude, etc. (If you look closely, those are all definitions of God.) God is love. We are to exemplify that love. God chose to show His love, grace and mercy to us. It is a commandment to love everyone. I do believe that when you talk about the love between a husband and wife, you choose to show that person your love. I also believe that God had a HUGE part in that choice. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

He loves us and wants the best for us. So, through seeking God’s Word, prayer, and obedience, God reveals that “best” for us and allows that love to blossom. Love is from God. We must always keep that in mind. I hope that I made sense and didn’t ramble. I encourage you and your fiancé to do a word search for love in the Bible. You will find some interesting stuff! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

By the way, I think that it is great that your fiancé doesn’t want to jump into a marriage and that he wants to mature, become more financially stable, etc. You are right in that you can’t prepare enough for something that you have never done before. It’s a whole new ballgame after you are married... so I am told. I think that is very important that God works out all the junk before you enter marriage. You carry enough baggage into a marriage. It’s best to limit it to as little as possible.You are on the right track. God is giving you a peace … that will sustain you until the day comes! Remember you are loved by the creator of love! How blessed you are!! [This message has been edited by pup (edited August 08, 2001).]