Choosing the right spouse - 10/29/02 05:14 PM
Dr. Harley seems to offer strange advice on the topic of 'choosing the right one to marry.'
Dr. Harley writes:
"My standard advice to singles is to date at least 30 people before marriage."
To me that doesn't sound right. I'd like to ask Dr. Harley: Did you date 30 people before marriage or did your wife? Did you any of your children? What about anyone you know who has been married 30, 40 or 50 years.
It has been observed that marriage success is inversely correlated with the number of previous partners each spouse has had as I'm sure you know, and I think even if one is not sexually intimate, one is likely to at least be emotionally intimate.
To date thirty others ensures that you have 29 other people you will be comparing your future spouse to in the future. And the same for your spouse. You have expressed strong affection for so many people that it becomes nearly meaningless. Relationships with the opposite sex become full of the expectation of 'when will this end?' as twenty-nine others have. Plus, you've become so darn good at dating that you have much less fear of ending your marriage and charging back into the market. And you and your spouse are both experts at breaking up, having done it an average of 15 times. Plus there are 29 ex's apiece or 58 total that are floating around. It's a small world.
I've noticed there are two categories of relationship seekers, the 'players' and the grown-ups (grown-ups can be older, but this is by no means necessary). Grown-ups have a goal in mind, seeking a permanent partner as part of their overall plan in life. If a Grown-up is not at a point of being ready for a forever partner, they do not hang around in relationships they aren't ready to follow through on. Grown-ups find better things to do. They clarify their own purpose in life and their own sense of mission, investing time and energy in things they believe in, being single until then.
How can someone who has dated 30 people be anything other than a player?
At one point in my life (I am 24 now) I made a resolution that I would gain experience dating. I charged out there and dated largely to gain experience. I even got a book entitled 'How to Succeed with Women.' I soon came to realize that my power was so strong that needed to stop all dating and focus on what is important in my life.
Having wasted time and cheated my future wife out of various 'firsts' (which I believe can mostly redeemed) I feel certain regret. I discovered what my parents could have told me, that developing the heart and maturity is critical. Then I will be able to look a girl in the eye and tell her I am interested in exploring a future together and is she? If I only have to say that once more in my life, that would be great.
Are there ways of getting to know someone without dating them?
I believe there are many ways, and I use them all the time. Just by getting to know someone as a friend/brother/sister you can find out: What do they do with their time that is worthwhile? How is their relationship with their family? How strong are their beliefs? Do their beliefs and values line up with yours? Are they generous with others? What is their idea of a fun time? Do they think about / value having a family? Does that line up with your dreams? How strongly do they believe in the permanence of marriage?
In fact (and I've experienced this), once you are dating someone the situation is much worse because love is blind.
I'd really appreciate any clarification you can give. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your use of the term 'dating.'
Thanks so much for your hard work saving marriages!
Best,
Dan
P.S.
I worry that people who try to date heavily end up with the players, because that is the market they've chosen to be a part of. Perhaps that's justice. But very sad justice.
P.P.S.
I would be very cautious about forming a relationship with someone who has dated many people. A prospective employer would also be rightly skeptical of a job applicant who has the resume of a perpetual job-hopper.
Dr. Harley writes:
"My standard advice to singles is to date at least 30 people before marriage."
To me that doesn't sound right. I'd like to ask Dr. Harley: Did you date 30 people before marriage or did your wife? Did you any of your children? What about anyone you know who has been married 30, 40 or 50 years.
It has been observed that marriage success is inversely correlated with the number of previous partners each spouse has had as I'm sure you know, and I think even if one is not sexually intimate, one is likely to at least be emotionally intimate.
To date thirty others ensures that you have 29 other people you will be comparing your future spouse to in the future. And the same for your spouse. You have expressed strong affection for so many people that it becomes nearly meaningless. Relationships with the opposite sex become full of the expectation of 'when will this end?' as twenty-nine others have. Plus, you've become so darn good at dating that you have much less fear of ending your marriage and charging back into the market. And you and your spouse are both experts at breaking up, having done it an average of 15 times. Plus there are 29 ex's apiece or 58 total that are floating around. It's a small world.
I've noticed there are two categories of relationship seekers, the 'players' and the grown-ups (grown-ups can be older, but this is by no means necessary). Grown-ups have a goal in mind, seeking a permanent partner as part of their overall plan in life. If a Grown-up is not at a point of being ready for a forever partner, they do not hang around in relationships they aren't ready to follow through on. Grown-ups find better things to do. They clarify their own purpose in life and their own sense of mission, investing time and energy in things they believe in, being single until then.
How can someone who has dated 30 people be anything other than a player?
At one point in my life (I am 24 now) I made a resolution that I would gain experience dating. I charged out there and dated largely to gain experience. I even got a book entitled 'How to Succeed with Women.' I soon came to realize that my power was so strong that needed to stop all dating and focus on what is important in my life.
Having wasted time and cheated my future wife out of various 'firsts' (which I believe can mostly redeemed) I feel certain regret. I discovered what my parents could have told me, that developing the heart and maturity is critical. Then I will be able to look a girl in the eye and tell her I am interested in exploring a future together and is she? If I only have to say that once more in my life, that would be great.
Are there ways of getting to know someone without dating them?
I believe there are many ways, and I use them all the time. Just by getting to know someone as a friend/brother/sister you can find out: What do they do with their time that is worthwhile? How is their relationship with their family? How strong are their beliefs? Do their beliefs and values line up with yours? Are they generous with others? What is their idea of a fun time? Do they think about / value having a family? Does that line up with your dreams? How strongly do they believe in the permanence of marriage?
In fact (and I've experienced this), once you are dating someone the situation is much worse because love is blind.
I'd really appreciate any clarification you can give. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your use of the term 'dating.'
Thanks so much for your hard work saving marriages!
Best,
Dan
P.S.
I worry that people who try to date heavily end up with the players, because that is the market they've chosen to be a part of. Perhaps that's justice. But very sad justice.
P.P.S.
I would be very cautious about forming a relationship with someone who has dated many people. A prospective employer would also be rightly skeptical of a job applicant who has the resume of a perpetual job-hopper.