This is really great feedback! Thanks, mike!
The soul has got to go. t served a great purpose a couple hundred years ago, but it has been so over used and misused in this century it has no power left. In general, you want to avoid abstractions like "love" and "soul" and even "heart" (unless you're talking of the physical organ) because of their tendency toward broad, weak ideas.
OK, I see what you are saying. The meaning I am intending to convey is that a huge, ragged chunk of me would be gone. I've thought about this in terms of my "soul", because if she left, I would be empty inside, I would be less of a person, and I would likely sink deeper into the destructive habits that took me to this point in the first place. And that would prevent me from ever finding fulfillment or living up to my potential. I.e., I would be sorely tempted to throw away the rest of my life and drown in despair.
For me, "soul" carries all of these meanings. Certainly moreso than "heart". But I recognize that the meanings I attach to the word probably won't carry over for the general population.
What might actually work there is if she is taking away something concrete and significant, like the good china, or some other important joint household item.
China would be less significant to me, because I personally have little sentimental attachment to it. We don't, really, have a lot of possessions that have a lot of that kind of attachment for me. Cats, we have. Cats and children, she would have taken with her, leaving me alone. Photographs, the wedding album, perhaps? She would have taken all the jewelry and clothes I have given her over the years, but those aren't joint possessions.
We have a large, framed wedding photograph hanging on the staircase walls. She might have taken that along with her? Or maybe not, because she would be the one walking away? How about if she left it behind?
I really like the word "indifference" for a couple reasons. First, it rhymes with "distance" and helps tie the two stanzas together. But it's also somewhat unexpected. Anger, abuse, adultery (all them good "a" words) would seem to be prime candidates for driving the woman away with the good china in her hand, but it's so much simpler and sinister. Simple indifference. By saying "you to believe" you've explained briefly just how deeply this indifference has burrowed itself into the woman. A belief takes time and consistency to develop. Two lines and you explain that the indifference that almost destroyed this relationship was consistent and long term.
That's a really neat analysis. I didn't even realize the rhyme with the first stanza. But I did try to, in a short space of words, explain why she was ready to leave after 10 years of marriage.
Don't capitalize the word, though. Subtlety is key to really making the reader feel it. If you put up a neon sign with an arrow pointing toward the word, saying "This is important! Pay attention!" the reader will be turned off by that.
I didn't want to capitalize it, because the word "indifference" itself is so offhanded, if that makes any sense. The lack of care and attention inherent in the concept of "indifference" means to me that the word itself should not be emphasized or have attention drawn to it. The emotion of indifference is so throwaway, so careless, that the word should reflect that.
Let me think on it for a while longer. There are ways to maintain the shape and thrust of the poem while making different word choices to help the rhythm and sonic texture of the work (rhymes, alliteration, etc). I'll see if I can pull together a few suggestions there, as well.
I really appreciate this. To be honest, this is the first poem that I have ever written that really holds any meaning for me, or that I feel has anything worthwhile to communicate.
15 years ago, I appeared as a guest on a cable access show in Fairfax (I was working part-time on the station staff, asnd was friendly with the host of the show). I appeared in order to read my poetry, the "dada" pieces, nonsensical short stuff. And they really were meaningless - communicating nothing of value.
But remember, I'm critiquing this as a poet looking at a public poem. This also exists on the private husband/wife level. If it works well there (which you indicate above it did), then nothing I say really matters.
I am interested in polishing it to be the best that it can be from a public level. It did work for my wife, though - and, from being married for 10 years, she probably knows more about how I use the term "soul" than a public reader would.
I think, though, that part of the impact was that she understood exactly what I was talking about, and deeply appreciated the sentiment. Also, this was the first time I'd ever written anything like this for her.
I told her that, with my stupid distracting hobby out of my life, that my creative urges could find expression in a more mature manner, and in a manner that might be meaningful to someone besides myself. And I think she is touched by that.
Thanks again for your critique, and I am looking forward to anything else you may have to say!