Holding a grudge...please help me get over it. - 07/22/06 08:58 PM
I'm holding a major grudge against my husband of five years and I just can't seem to get over it.
Six months before we got married we had intamacy but nothing physical mostly revolving around the death of one of his relatives. However three weeks before we got married everything seemed normal again in everyway.
When we first got married there was NO intimacy what so ever at all. There was very little conversation and no sex. He would stay up watching things on TV that he knew I wouldn't watch with him until 2:30 and was gone by the time I got up. I was crushed and cried myself to sleep more than once. On top of just not being intimate, he also made some really mean comments that hurt my feelings even more. Mostly about why I was unemployed. I was trying to get a job but there just wasn't a lot available in my field at that time.
After almost a year of that, we were about to have our first child. We must be incredibly fertile to concieve one of the few times that it was humanly possible for us to concieve. Things were good for another nine months until the baby was about 7 months old. Then he lost his job and I decided to get one near his parents house. We moved.
When we moved, he once again completely withdrew from me. He ignored me, left me home alone where I didn't know anyone and took our child to see his parents where they stayed all day. Sometimes he'd just leave our child there and he'd come home without her and ignored me. It occurred to me that the cell phones that we'd had before right have we'd had the child had helped our marriage so I got cell phones which he refused to answer.
After another 6 months of this we started marriage counseling. At this point we've been married about 2.5 years and had what I would consider a healthy marriage for about 9 months of it if that much.
The marriage counselor told my husband that he was wrong to do the things that he was doing, that he was neglecting me and our marriage and that he needed to straighten up. He was completely on my side. I didn't need him on my side, I just wanted him to tell me what I'd done wrong so I could fix it. To this day I still don't have a reasonable answer for what was wrong except that he claims too many changes at one time.
Counselor after a few months tells me I just need to forgive him and that most people would be satisfied with the fact that there were too many changes.
Well here it is two years and another child later and I'm still not ok. DH has been working hard to make things better for two years. He has been a lot more attentive but most things in our marriage seem to be at his convenience and not at mine at all.
I find myself getting very depressed and anxious. I don't want to let myself be happy with him because what if he starts ignoring me again. I mean I pretty much feel like he struck out three times. I don't have what I think is a good reason to just shut me out of his life when I needed him.
So I'm angry, I'm scared, and I'm hurting my marriage with this. I'm throwing the first three years in his face every time I get angry and I just don't know how to stop. I still want to be married to him but I'm resentful that I never got to be in a "happy" marriage before having children and sometimes feel that that's the only thing he wants me for.
Thanks for any help you can offer. If I can't get help here, then I think I may be hopeless.
Six months before we got married we had intamacy but nothing physical mostly revolving around the death of one of his relatives. However three weeks before we got married everything seemed normal again in everyway.
When we first got married there was NO intimacy what so ever at all. There was very little conversation and no sex. He would stay up watching things on TV that he knew I wouldn't watch with him until 2:30 and was gone by the time I got up. I was crushed and cried myself to sleep more than once. On top of just not being intimate, he also made some really mean comments that hurt my feelings even more. Mostly about why I was unemployed. I was trying to get a job but there just wasn't a lot available in my field at that time.
After almost a year of that, we were about to have our first child. We must be incredibly fertile to concieve one of the few times that it was humanly possible for us to concieve. Things were good for another nine months until the baby was about 7 months old. Then he lost his job and I decided to get one near his parents house. We moved.
When we moved, he once again completely withdrew from me. He ignored me, left me home alone where I didn't know anyone and took our child to see his parents where they stayed all day. Sometimes he'd just leave our child there and he'd come home without her and ignored me. It occurred to me that the cell phones that we'd had before right have we'd had the child had helped our marriage so I got cell phones which he refused to answer.
After another 6 months of this we started marriage counseling. At this point we've been married about 2.5 years and had what I would consider a healthy marriage for about 9 months of it if that much.
The marriage counselor told my husband that he was wrong to do the things that he was doing, that he was neglecting me and our marriage and that he needed to straighten up. He was completely on my side. I didn't need him on my side, I just wanted him to tell me what I'd done wrong so I could fix it. To this day I still don't have a reasonable answer for what was wrong except that he claims too many changes at one time.
Counselor after a few months tells me I just need to forgive him and that most people would be satisfied with the fact that there were too many changes.
Well here it is two years and another child later and I'm still not ok. DH has been working hard to make things better for two years. He has been a lot more attentive but most things in our marriage seem to be at his convenience and not at mine at all.
I find myself getting very depressed and anxious. I don't want to let myself be happy with him because what if he starts ignoring me again. I mean I pretty much feel like he struck out three times. I don't have what I think is a good reason to just shut me out of his life when I needed him.
So I'm angry, I'm scared, and I'm hurting my marriage with this. I'm throwing the first three years in his face every time I get angry and I just don't know how to stop. I still want to be married to him but I'm resentful that I never got to be in a "happy" marriage before having children and sometimes feel that that's the only thing he wants me for.
Thanks for any help you can offer. If I can't get help here, then I think I may be hopeless.