Opinions please.

Have you ever come home to an empty house, and have to call around to find out where your spouse is? And then find out he is in the "gin mill" with a divorced friend.and it is always this same guy who drags him to the bar?

No phone call...geez, I have never domne this to my spouse. And this happens on his company time, while he is driving the company vehicle. And then, he starts a fight with me when he gets home. (He is a mean drunk).

This a.m. H tells me he is doing an "overtime" job....with this same guy. (Code for we are going drinking...this I have figured out after having it happen too often)

There is no diplomatic way for me to ask him exactl are you working, or going to a bar? No nice way, and right now I feel like a doormat.

(This behavior of this divorced man is part of the REASON he is divorced)

I'd tell him that. Tell him this is why he got divorced before and if it continues he'll quickly end up divorced again. But don't say it if you don't mean it. You are a "doormat" because you choose to be one. If that role doesn't suit you then you have to make the choice not to be one.

Also be sure to have this very important conversation with him before he goes out drinking. Don't start a fight, you don't even need to raise your voice. Simply follow though with what you say.

You just tell him the truth:

"Every time you go out drinking with your friend, every time I come home to an empty house not knowing where you are, every time you come home drunk and hurt my feelings with your drunken mean words--I lose a little more respect for you and I lose a little more of the love I feel for you. It is getting to the point where there is not much more love or respect left to lose. I just thought you might like to know where you stand so you can make choices that are in your own best interest."

Yes, I have had this happen! I don't think my husband was trying to hide what he was doing from me. It just didn't occur to him to call. If I had harped on this he would have resented it. He knows it is "commonsense" to call, but it is a real big LB for him to have it rubbed in. So without blaming him, I just let him know that it helps me plan my night to know what his plans are (i.e. should I plan on making dinner for both of us or am I free to go out with my friends) and if I get home and he's not around, I just call him to find out what time he thinks he'll be home. If he has forgotten to tell me he has plans after work, I don't get mad. I give him the benefit of the doubt that he forgot, got too busy at work to shoot me an email, whatever.

Of course, he doesn't come home drunk usually. And if he was a mean drunk, he'd have had to quit drinking for me to put up with him.

Thanks.

Why do we always have to be so polite to someone who knowlingly blows us off, though?

Of coure it occurs to my h to call me...he makes a choice NOT TO.

I am having a bad day, sorry.

I have just about run out of patience with my H and his selfishness.

No, you are being polite whilst telling him where you boundaries are. That is the way in which he will know that they are real boundaries, not just another vent.


I think I would POJA the 'gin mill' visits. First it might be useful to know why he goes. Does he go for the alcohol or for the companionship? Maybe he goes because he hates coming back to an empty house? You might point out the money you would save by solving whichever issue it is in another way.

Then, depending on the solution to this one, you might set up a 'gin mill' visit that is only once a week that can include you too, say on a Friday evening. That would solve the phone problem entirely!

Of course, if he is entirely un-cooperative, you may just decide that he does not really care. You can calmly tell hin that too.

My H is knee deep in what I will refer to as a mid-life crisis.

The tough part for me is that I work for 2 men who are also going throught the same thing.

It seems all the males around me right now are being controlled by the mother ship.

My H has become so self centered. I don't even know him anymore.

Just when it feels like we are making progress, and I start to feel more positive aboutour M, he does something else selfish and mean.

Listen, all adults know wrong from right. I should'nt have to ppint out to this man, after 23 years together that he is being an [censored]. He KNOWS he is an [censored].

I have gone to the absolute end of my plan A patience.

I have been giving him several feet, and he is taking miles and miles.

Hi sledbabe
I hear you being very cross but I don't hear you trying to solve the problem in a constructive way. Maybe the problem is not just the bar? You say


I say why? Have you read about givers and takers and resentment on this site? You are not helping the problem when you sit and stew!

Be firm and be calm.

Solve the problem.

Create the boundaries (limits to the behaviour you will tolerate) and tell him what they are. Don't allow him to be good for a while and then backslide. Set consequences. If he is being childish, give him some children's medicine, just do it sweetly and don't tell him what it is.

Carrot and stick. Carrot and stick.

If your husband is purposely blowing you off that is not something you should let go. In my case, I made the assumption that my husband was blowing me off and like you felt that of course anyone with commonsense would think to call ... after all *I* would never forget, so of course he did not forget, he didn't call on purpose. Turns out that my husband is not like me! He in fact DOES forget. I used to take it very personally when he would forget to call or even worse, forget that we had plans to do something together and we had some big fights about it until it was revealed that this is a chronic problem he has struggled with all his life (not having the kind of organized mind that remembers appointments and thus remembers to call if off track). As a kid, he used to forget things like baseball practice, etc. and he used to get berated for it by his parents so it became one of his buttons. He knew this was an area he failed at often and he was sensitive about it. He really didn't like for it to be rubbed in. Things got better once I stopped taking it as a personal affront to me. And actually now he almost never forgets to call or about things we have planned. Once we stopped fighting about it, he was able to accept my suggestions as helpful and not as criticism. He has a much better system that he has created to remind himself about his commitments now. And I stopped feeling like when he didn't listen to my suggestions that he was being stubborn and making it a me vs him battle.

I don't feel like I know enough about your situation to say if this applies too much or not. But for my situation, that is why I am polite. I think if I had kept getting angry, eventually he might have started purposely not calling in order not to have to deal with me being angry. Are you upset whether or not your husband calls? Is he in a no-win situation with you?

Hope things get better for you soon.