Unresolved Issues with Trust after 10 yrs - 03/12/09 08:49 PM
I am 36 years old. I’ve been married for 10 years, and have two children, ages 3 & 5. I met my husband at a bar on February 8th …. I saw his eyes shining from across the room (which makes no sense, as he has dark eyes ). I guess you can say it felt like magic/destiny. He called me the very next day, and we dated for about a week before he went to boot camp for the Navy. He said he had to go to the Navy, he and his mother agreed because he wasn’t getting anywhere job-wise in our town. We got to know each other through letters and occasional phone calls, and met up when he could. One day, he came to visit me at my condo and he never returned to the Navy, except to process his discharge. He asked me to marry him November 7th, as he said he couldn’t wait until Christmas. We agreed to marry the following November 7th. For reasons I can’t remember, I almost called off the wedding, but he insisted that we go through with it. I had him file bankruptcy before we were married to “clear” his name so we could have a clean start.
Early in our marriage, I was dismayed that my husband was looking at porn online. At the time, I could not understand it, as I never had a problem getting a boyfriend, had a great body at the time, and would do almost anything he asked of me. I put a filter on the computer with his consent to put my mind at ease. A couple years later, I found that he was hiding porn in the truck of his car. The more I matured, I realized it (porn) wasn’t about me, so while I did not agree with it, I at least came to an understanding of it if I had to deal with it again.
Later on in our marriage (twice to be exact), he asked for a three-way. He even insinuated where we could get a third partner … he said there were swinger magazines at the local porn store. Both times, I said no, it was against my marriage vows … the only thing I would not do while married. Fast forward to recent years …… he has his own PO box, well more than one over the years that he didn’t think I knew about until I saw his credit report; plus, he’ll hide money (have some checks paid direct to him instead of direct deposited into his own checking account… $2,500 - $4,500 in a year); plus, he racks up credit cards (for I have no idea what, because there’s no new material possessions at our home to account for all of it) – there’s usually $5,000 - $8,000 in new debts by the time I have a legitimate reason to run another credit report. He’ll say it was gas, meals and business expenses, but he already takes $150/wk from our joint account for that. I used to transfer his credit cards over to my name because I hated to see the interest rates he was paying; I’ve stopped -- at least I’ve wised up about that. All because of his job changes and losses over the years and trying to keep a lifestyle that, looking back, we probably were not ready to afford at the time, we are now $35K in debt (just the credit card part).
Last year, our cell phone text messaging skyrocketed. When I inquired, I found out he was texting a woman (something crazy, like 90 text messages over a short period of time). He had me call and confirm with the Executive Assistant of his company that he was trying to get her a job, and it checked out, so I had to drop the feelings I was having about it. Unfortunately, while looking in to my bill, I discovered that he had called a chat line for local singles a few times that year. When confronted, he said it was only because we were under an extreme amount of stress because of his job situation (he’s a salesman that was making $40K, and had transferred to a job that promised him the world…but the new job was averaging only $15K for the whole year and I was on him because we were “not making it” financially.) He said it was “stupid” and just an escape from reality. He insisted he’s never cheated on me, especially now he’d be ashamed to, because of the weight he’s gained over the years. I told him that I still feel attracted to him after all these years, changes and all. We ended up in counseling for the chat calls, only to stop going because it was “too stressful for him” – he needed to concentrate on his job and making money (sales). Before quitting counseling, the counselor had asked him to close his PO box, but, since no new mail is coming to our house, I know he still has it.
I am still in counseling. I have deep-seated trust issues that have intensified because now I have to talk about them rather than suppress them. I feel incapable of seeing my situation clearly because of this suppression. I feel that all of these warning signs may point to an even bigger “smoking gun” about my husband --- like counseling just scratched the surface --- he only admitted to what he was caught doing. I see no signs of drugs, alcohol or gambling. Am I just being paranoid or over-analytical? I came close to ending it after the chat line incident --- but he said that I have no idea what I’d be putting my kids through … he comes from a very broken family … he knows. Then I stopped pursuing it.
If I go on pretending that all these trust issues do not exist, our marriage seems ok, and we very rarely argue. We live well together, he does a bulk of the household chores, helps me with the kids, and we have an active sex life (better now that I found out about the chat calls). I am bright (normally!), college-educated accountant. I make much more money than him, but never boast of it.
I currently feel a bit lost with all of this, not knowing which direction I should head. I’ve tried looking at his laptop for clues on what he seems to be going out of his way to hide, but he’s become more advanced, so the internet history is always cleared. On the other hand, I don’t know if I truly want to know because it might be too hard to deal with. Plus, sometimes I make excuses for his behavior because of his troubled childhood … that he hides things because is Mom was always in his business & that he hides money because he had none when he was growing up and when he earned it, his Mom wanted to claim it right away. I tell myself he’s probably not cheating since he’s always home by 8pm or 9pm, and is always with me on the weekends. Other times I tell myself not to worry because he’s exercising his independence and trying to control a part of his life. It’s not worth talking to my husband about it. If he feels he’s in a corner regarding something’s he’s done, he’ll lie more, tell me what I want to hear, or turn the pressure back on me so I’ll stop. How can I truly ease my mind about all of this and put it to rest?
Early in our marriage, I was dismayed that my husband was looking at porn online. At the time, I could not understand it, as I never had a problem getting a boyfriend, had a great body at the time, and would do almost anything he asked of me. I put a filter on the computer with his consent to put my mind at ease. A couple years later, I found that he was hiding porn in the truck of his car. The more I matured, I realized it (porn) wasn’t about me, so while I did not agree with it, I at least came to an understanding of it if I had to deal with it again.
Later on in our marriage (twice to be exact), he asked for a three-way. He even insinuated where we could get a third partner … he said there were swinger magazines at the local porn store. Both times, I said no, it was against my marriage vows … the only thing I would not do while married. Fast forward to recent years …… he has his own PO box, well more than one over the years that he didn’t think I knew about until I saw his credit report; plus, he’ll hide money (have some checks paid direct to him instead of direct deposited into his own checking account… $2,500 - $4,500 in a year); plus, he racks up credit cards (for I have no idea what, because there’s no new material possessions at our home to account for all of it) – there’s usually $5,000 - $8,000 in new debts by the time I have a legitimate reason to run another credit report. He’ll say it was gas, meals and business expenses, but he already takes $150/wk from our joint account for that. I used to transfer his credit cards over to my name because I hated to see the interest rates he was paying; I’ve stopped -- at least I’ve wised up about that. All because of his job changes and losses over the years and trying to keep a lifestyle that, looking back, we probably were not ready to afford at the time, we are now $35K in debt (just the credit card part).
Last year, our cell phone text messaging skyrocketed. When I inquired, I found out he was texting a woman (something crazy, like 90 text messages over a short period of time). He had me call and confirm with the Executive Assistant of his company that he was trying to get her a job, and it checked out, so I had to drop the feelings I was having about it. Unfortunately, while looking in to my bill, I discovered that he had called a chat line for local singles a few times that year. When confronted, he said it was only because we were under an extreme amount of stress because of his job situation (he’s a salesman that was making $40K, and had transferred to a job that promised him the world…but the new job was averaging only $15K for the whole year and I was on him because we were “not making it” financially.) He said it was “stupid” and just an escape from reality. He insisted he’s never cheated on me, especially now he’d be ashamed to, because of the weight he’s gained over the years. I told him that I still feel attracted to him after all these years, changes and all. We ended up in counseling for the chat calls, only to stop going because it was “too stressful for him” – he needed to concentrate on his job and making money (sales). Before quitting counseling, the counselor had asked him to close his PO box, but, since no new mail is coming to our house, I know he still has it.
I am still in counseling. I have deep-seated trust issues that have intensified because now I have to talk about them rather than suppress them. I feel incapable of seeing my situation clearly because of this suppression. I feel that all of these warning signs may point to an even bigger “smoking gun” about my husband --- like counseling just scratched the surface --- he only admitted to what he was caught doing. I see no signs of drugs, alcohol or gambling. Am I just being paranoid or over-analytical? I came close to ending it after the chat line incident --- but he said that I have no idea what I’d be putting my kids through … he comes from a very broken family … he knows. Then I stopped pursuing it.
If I go on pretending that all these trust issues do not exist, our marriage seems ok, and we very rarely argue. We live well together, he does a bulk of the household chores, helps me with the kids, and we have an active sex life (better now that I found out about the chat calls). I am bright (normally!), college-educated accountant. I make much more money than him, but never boast of it.
I currently feel a bit lost with all of this, not knowing which direction I should head. I’ve tried looking at his laptop for clues on what he seems to be going out of his way to hide, but he’s become more advanced, so the internet history is always cleared. On the other hand, I don’t know if I truly want to know because it might be too hard to deal with. Plus, sometimes I make excuses for his behavior because of his troubled childhood … that he hides things because is Mom was always in his business & that he hides money because he had none when he was growing up and when he earned it, his Mom wanted to claim it right away. I tell myself he’s probably not cheating since he’s always home by 8pm or 9pm, and is always with me on the weekends. Other times I tell myself not to worry because he’s exercising his independence and trying to control a part of his life. It’s not worth talking to my husband about it. If he feels he’s in a corner regarding something’s he’s done, he’ll lie more, tell me what I want to hear, or turn the pressure back on me so I’ll stop. How can I truly ease my mind about all of this and put it to rest?