I can't take anymore of my husband's family-help! - 04/01/09 05:46 PM
I'm at my breaking point with my in-laws and I need to figure out what to do before it destroys our relationship.
It started when I first met his parents. We had been dating several months and he'd met my parents and got along well with them. He invited my mother and I to a gallery showing of his, and when we were there his parents proceeded to question my Mother about the future for me and their son. They were quite pushy and unreasonable, especially considering we had only been dating a few months. I blew it off as them just being interested in their sons life...
It never stopped. When he started spending nights at my place, or having plans with me on the weekend, his parents would get very upset- jealous even. Though, he was 31 at the time, so we are not talking about someone who was young or lived at home. When we moved in together, it got worse. They would act "hurt" if they were not invited over every week. In fact, when we didn't see them for about four days, they called him and told him that he was spending too much time with me and he should spend more time with his family. That was weird but I again ignored it.
It was when we got engaged that things really went downhill. Despite the fact that his mother and father will boss me around (such as telling me what to do, what to get them, etc, no matter where we are) and are often very rude and out of line with what they say, I have always been very polite and respectful to them, out of love and respect for my husband. When we announced our engagement, they were angry because his younger brother was also engaged and they didn't want us to "steal the spotlight". His younger brother mind you was with the girl 5 years and planning to wait a few more before getting married- we weren't planning to wait a few years as we were in the process of purchasing our first home together. We went ahead with the wedding plans and things became terrible between him and his brother.
We were married in June and his brother did not come to the ceremony- stating that he had to stay home to help his fiance carry in gifts from a party the following day. Right before we got married, his mother cornered him and told him he was making a mistake, and asked if he really loved me, and in a nutshell told him not to do it. Mind you, I have always been very nice to her- AND they have hated every woman he's ever been involved with. CRAZY!!!
When it came time for his brother's Batchelor party, his father actually cornered him and yelled at him for not wanting to go. My husband explained that he wasn't invited, that his brother hadn't come to our wedding ceremony, and that he knew his brother cheats on his finance and didn't want to be there to witness anything that may happen. Still, his father pushed and actually yelled at him until he agreed to go. He went and had a miserable time.
In the meantime, we had put off a reception because his parents insisted we didn't get married, and they made my husband promise to not tell any of the realitives. We didn't get to have the wedding I always dreamed of because they made it completely impossible. Anyhow, once his brother was married, we had our reception after. His brother did not come to his batchelor party and his parents blamed that on me (it's not as though I was going to be there). In fact, the night before his batchelor party, his father cornered me and actually screamed at me for about a half hour. He kept saying that they have "made the boys have a relationship all of these years" and that I ruined it. He kept going on and then told me not to tell my husband that he had spoken to me. Of course I told him- his parents are always asking us to keep secrets from one another and that just isn't healthy in a relationship.
It continued to get worse, if you can believe that. Now that we are married and have a house, his parents continue to refer to it as their sons house, and will not adknoweldge that it is in any part my house. He did not come from money and every cent that went toward that house was from the two of us working hard to save money to buy it. We make the same salary- there is no one person what owns more of the house than the other- and we always treat each other as equals- his parents just wont accept that.
My problem now is this. I have put up with their crap (almost abusive at times) for the entire relationship and I wont do it anymore. I've told my husband I don't want anything to do with them, and that in the future I may be able to be around them in small doses, but I just need a break without them for a few weeks, months, I don't know how long. He feels trapped in the middle. He understands how I feel and seems to agree with me that they are out of line and out of control, but he also grew up with that and it's hard to change the way you see things. Please help... they keep showing up uninvited, in fact, they live 10 minutes away but the first night we spent in our new house, his mother spent the night. Yup. They call him to take out the trash, mow the lawn, go grocery shopping for them, and just about anything thye need- including changing a lightbulb. They are not incapable, just very, very lazy people who are used to having their sons do everything (my husband refers to it as "child labor" he did as a kid). I want to be able to start a life with my husband, especially as we are now planning a family of our own, and I just don't want them to be a part of it unless they change. I don't want our children to be exposed to people who boss us around and call me names and are rude and disrespectful. I don't think that's healthy. I need a way to approach things with my husband and his family to set some boundaries. Is it too late or can we still save his relationship with his family while keeping it out of our relationship??
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything and I have a lot of support (family and friends who have witnessed such things), but even my support chain has run out of ideas. I'd appreciate any ideas you have on how to handle this situation.
It started when I first met his parents. We had been dating several months and he'd met my parents and got along well with them. He invited my mother and I to a gallery showing of his, and when we were there his parents proceeded to question my Mother about the future for me and their son. They were quite pushy and unreasonable, especially considering we had only been dating a few months. I blew it off as them just being interested in their sons life...
It never stopped. When he started spending nights at my place, or having plans with me on the weekend, his parents would get very upset- jealous even. Though, he was 31 at the time, so we are not talking about someone who was young or lived at home. When we moved in together, it got worse. They would act "hurt" if they were not invited over every week. In fact, when we didn't see them for about four days, they called him and told him that he was spending too much time with me and he should spend more time with his family. That was weird but I again ignored it.
It was when we got engaged that things really went downhill. Despite the fact that his mother and father will boss me around (such as telling me what to do, what to get them, etc, no matter where we are) and are often very rude and out of line with what they say, I have always been very polite and respectful to them, out of love and respect for my husband. When we announced our engagement, they were angry because his younger brother was also engaged and they didn't want us to "steal the spotlight". His younger brother mind you was with the girl 5 years and planning to wait a few more before getting married- we weren't planning to wait a few years as we were in the process of purchasing our first home together. We went ahead with the wedding plans and things became terrible between him and his brother.
We were married in June and his brother did not come to the ceremony- stating that he had to stay home to help his fiance carry in gifts from a party the following day. Right before we got married, his mother cornered him and told him he was making a mistake, and asked if he really loved me, and in a nutshell told him not to do it. Mind you, I have always been very nice to her- AND they have hated every woman he's ever been involved with. CRAZY!!!
When it came time for his brother's Batchelor party, his father actually cornered him and yelled at him for not wanting to go. My husband explained that he wasn't invited, that his brother hadn't come to our wedding ceremony, and that he knew his brother cheats on his finance and didn't want to be there to witness anything that may happen. Still, his father pushed and actually yelled at him until he agreed to go. He went and had a miserable time.
In the meantime, we had put off a reception because his parents insisted we didn't get married, and they made my husband promise to not tell any of the realitives. We didn't get to have the wedding I always dreamed of because they made it completely impossible. Anyhow, once his brother was married, we had our reception after. His brother did not come to his batchelor party and his parents blamed that on me (it's not as though I was going to be there). In fact, the night before his batchelor party, his father cornered me and actually screamed at me for about a half hour. He kept saying that they have "made the boys have a relationship all of these years" and that I ruined it. He kept going on and then told me not to tell my husband that he had spoken to me. Of course I told him- his parents are always asking us to keep secrets from one another and that just isn't healthy in a relationship.
It continued to get worse, if you can believe that. Now that we are married and have a house, his parents continue to refer to it as their sons house, and will not adknoweldge that it is in any part my house. He did not come from money and every cent that went toward that house was from the two of us working hard to save money to buy it. We make the same salary- there is no one person what owns more of the house than the other- and we always treat each other as equals- his parents just wont accept that.
My problem now is this. I have put up with their crap (almost abusive at times) for the entire relationship and I wont do it anymore. I've told my husband I don't want anything to do with them, and that in the future I may be able to be around them in small doses, but I just need a break without them for a few weeks, months, I don't know how long. He feels trapped in the middle. He understands how I feel and seems to agree with me that they are out of line and out of control, but he also grew up with that and it's hard to change the way you see things. Please help... they keep showing up uninvited, in fact, they live 10 minutes away but the first night we spent in our new house, his mother spent the night. Yup. They call him to take out the trash, mow the lawn, go grocery shopping for them, and just about anything thye need- including changing a lightbulb. They are not incapable, just very, very lazy people who are used to having their sons do everything (my husband refers to it as "child labor" he did as a kid). I want to be able to start a life with my husband, especially as we are now planning a family of our own, and I just don't want them to be a part of it unless they change. I don't want our children to be exposed to people who boss us around and call me names and are rude and disrespectful. I don't think that's healthy. I need a way to approach things with my husband and his family to set some boundaries. Is it too late or can we still save his relationship with his family while keeping it out of our relationship??
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything and I have a lot of support (family and friends who have witnessed such things), but even my support chain has run out of ideas. I'd appreciate any ideas you have on how to handle this situation.