Concerned about my Stay at Home Wife - 04/15/09 12:34 PM
My wife & I have been married for four years. It's been a really busy four years. We've had 2 kids {2 year old daughter, 5 month old son}, moved 5 times between us {me 3 times, her twice}, tried to adjust to living in a town where we don't know anyone, started a new job {her}, got fired {her}, started a stay at home business {her}, bought a house, and dealt with the usual conflict and challenges that comes with the early years of marriage. All in all, we've done ok, but the last year or so has been hard and we've both acknowledged we need to work on us. And we've tried, although it's hard with the 2 kids. We went to counseling once, and it was ok, but we were only able to do one session because of scheduling problems with our sitter and the kids. So we're basically talking a lot and acknowledging how each of us is contributing to the problems. I've learned so much about me and I feel like I've really made some great strides in understanding things better. In the past, if she was upset about something I did, I likely would have just told myself that she was being overly sensitive and she needed to get over it. I now understand how my actions impact her. And I think that's a big step. The major core issue in our relationship is that my wife is extremely insecure, and I don't help her to feel better about herself. In fact, I probably make her feel worse {in a subtle way, but obviously that is still a problem}. The bottom line is we are committed to each other and are going to try very hard to make this work.
Anyway, the last 3 days have been a roller coaster. Easter Sunday was horrible. We were just staying home and were going to have dinner with just us, no guests. The day got off to a bad start as I made a dumb comment about the Easter Egg hunt she had planned for my daughter. It was a little thing but I know it started the day off on the wrong foot, and it ultimately led to what came later. Things fell apart when my wife was making dinner. She burned the rolls, the smoke detector went off, and she cut her finger very badly. I have never, ever seen her so angry. I was playing with our daughter while she was in the kitchen and didn't really know everything that was going on with her. I went into the kitchen because I could tell she was having a hard time. She was cutting the ham and putting it on a plate that had shattered into multiple pieces. I'm assuming she broke it in frustration. I asked her what the problem was and could I help but she was too far gone at that point. She made some angry comments to me, referencing our disagreement from the morning, and I just shut down at that point which I think was the right thing to do. Dinner was challenging but my daughter didn't seem to know what was happening. The rest of the day was ok, we gradually cooled off and cleared things up as well as we could before bed.
The next day was great. I came home from work and she seemed happy and content and I felt very good myself. We were both relaxed and had a great time playing with the kids before and after dinner. We spent time together after the kids went down, and that night in bed we talked a lot about what had happened the night before. It was really great and felt very healthy. Just a great day.
Yesterday was another bad day. I could tell as soon as I got home that something wasn't right. My wife had a really hard day with the kids, mostly our son. She was trying to get him to nap in his crib and he wouldn't. He cried for quite a while and she really didn't get a break. When I got home, she seemed like she had been drinking {I should point out here that I grew up with alcoholic parents and I'm a bit hyper-sensitive about my wife's drinking; also, my wife does get depressed when she drinks}. She seemed not herself and even seemed as if she was slurring her words. It was noticable enough that I asked her about it, even though I knew that was something that may upset her. She denied having anything to drink or taking anything {I thought maybe she took a Xanax}. After dinner, we went downstairs and played with the kids. She still seemed not herself. She just seemed drunk, that's the only explanation I can come up with. At one point, she said she felt like our son was more developed at his age than our daughter was at the same age. About an hour earlier at dinner, she said the EXACT opposite--she felt our daughter was more developed than our son at the same age. I asked her about it and she said she had no recollection of saying what she did at dinner. It was just an hour earlier. I put our daugther down for the night at that point and then came down and asked her again if she was ok. She assured me she was. After we put our son down for the night, we talked more about it. She didn't get upset, and said she understood why I was concerned. She said she was really tired and that was the only explanation she could come up with. She said she knew she wasn't being herself.
I actually think I would have preferred if she had told me that she was drunk or had taken Xanax. My concern now is that she's losing it a bit. After we went to bed, I couldn't sleep and thought about what could happen and what I would do if she just couldn't continue with being a stay at home mom. I'm optimistic about our future, but after a night like last night and Easter, I get cynical and I think to myself this isn't going to last because she's just going to not be able to function anymore and she's going to have a breakdown. She has a history of depression and has attempted suicide in the past {many, many years ago}. I hope I'm wrong. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just needing to vent. I know this is quite long...
Anyway, the last 3 days have been a roller coaster. Easter Sunday was horrible. We were just staying home and were going to have dinner with just us, no guests. The day got off to a bad start as I made a dumb comment about the Easter Egg hunt she had planned for my daughter. It was a little thing but I know it started the day off on the wrong foot, and it ultimately led to what came later. Things fell apart when my wife was making dinner. She burned the rolls, the smoke detector went off, and she cut her finger very badly. I have never, ever seen her so angry. I was playing with our daughter while she was in the kitchen and didn't really know everything that was going on with her. I went into the kitchen because I could tell she was having a hard time. She was cutting the ham and putting it on a plate that had shattered into multiple pieces. I'm assuming she broke it in frustration. I asked her what the problem was and could I help but she was too far gone at that point. She made some angry comments to me, referencing our disagreement from the morning, and I just shut down at that point which I think was the right thing to do. Dinner was challenging but my daughter didn't seem to know what was happening. The rest of the day was ok, we gradually cooled off and cleared things up as well as we could before bed.
The next day was great. I came home from work and she seemed happy and content and I felt very good myself. We were both relaxed and had a great time playing with the kids before and after dinner. We spent time together after the kids went down, and that night in bed we talked a lot about what had happened the night before. It was really great and felt very healthy. Just a great day.
Yesterday was another bad day. I could tell as soon as I got home that something wasn't right. My wife had a really hard day with the kids, mostly our son. She was trying to get him to nap in his crib and he wouldn't. He cried for quite a while and she really didn't get a break. When I got home, she seemed like she had been drinking {I should point out here that I grew up with alcoholic parents and I'm a bit hyper-sensitive about my wife's drinking; also, my wife does get depressed when she drinks}. She seemed not herself and even seemed as if she was slurring her words. It was noticable enough that I asked her about it, even though I knew that was something that may upset her. She denied having anything to drink or taking anything {I thought maybe she took a Xanax}. After dinner, we went downstairs and played with the kids. She still seemed not herself. She just seemed drunk, that's the only explanation I can come up with. At one point, she said she felt like our son was more developed at his age than our daughter was at the same age. About an hour earlier at dinner, she said the EXACT opposite--she felt our daughter was more developed than our son at the same age. I asked her about it and she said she had no recollection of saying what she did at dinner. It was just an hour earlier. I put our daugther down for the night at that point and then came down and asked her again if she was ok. She assured me she was. After we put our son down for the night, we talked more about it. She didn't get upset, and said she understood why I was concerned. She said she was really tired and that was the only explanation she could come up with. She said she knew she wasn't being herself.
I actually think I would have preferred if she had told me that she was drunk or had taken Xanax. My concern now is that she's losing it a bit. After we went to bed, I couldn't sleep and thought about what could happen and what I would do if she just couldn't continue with being a stay at home mom. I'm optimistic about our future, but after a night like last night and Easter, I get cynical and I think to myself this isn't going to last because she's just going to not be able to function anymore and she's going to have a breakdown. She has a history of depression and has attempted suicide in the past {many, many years ago}. I hope I'm wrong. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just needing to vent. I know this is quite long...