Running out of deposits for love bank.... - 05/12/09 01:40 AM
I've been married for 10 years and over the last year, I've felt an increasing feeling of sadness in my relationship with my H. I found this website a week ago and it hit so many issues square on the head, I just had to write. I told the whole story to my sister, but for the sake of our two children, she said this marriage is something I can't walk away from. There is no physical abuse, but mentally, I feel trapped. My husband is very controlling of money and he feels the need to account for every dime. He makes very good money, but can't seem satisfied with any amount that we are putting away. He has no problem giving to charities or church, but doesn't want to ever go out to eat, take the kids somewhere fun or treat me to an evening out. If we do, he can't comment on how fun it was, only on how expensive it was...or would be. I recieve a disability compensation from the Veterans Admin and the way he hords money made me make separate bank accounts. One for "HIS" income and one for my VA income that I could use for the kid's clothes, haircuts, eating out, and little trips that he didn't want to take. I also paid the gas, electric, and water bills, along with my cell phone bill so that he wouldn't nag me about how I didn't turn lights off or took too long of showers. So, my question is this...could he possibly have a psychological disorder calle OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, or is he just a short tempered, miserly, unhappy man that can't seem to find happiness himself, so he brings all of his anger and pain down on his family? He has always been frugal, mostly due to his upbringing...6 kids and not a lot of money. His frugality goes far beyond that though. He really only wants to pay for basic needs and wants that HE wants. I've brought this all to his attention and he said he's trying hard to be more relaxed about the money thing, but he doesn't think that I'm trying to change the way that I am or the way that I do things. He says he feels like he always has to watch what he says because I may take it the wrong way. I just feel like we are completely out of touch with one another and I don't know how to turn it all around. Reading about the Love Bank made me see how neither of us are making deposits anymore and it seems that we just keep taking away from it. We probably got to a ZERO balance within the last year because I have gotten to the point of apathy or "whatever" and just basically tune him out when he's griping about something. (not eating enough leftovers, leaving the lights on, buying groceries that I didn't tell him I was going to get, not using the debit card so that he can keep track of expenses by the day, etc.) I also read on here somewhere about a woman who asked herself, "Am I happier when he's not around?" Except for the fact that he will sometimes entertain our two children when he's home, I am much happier (or happy go lucky) when he's not around. I mentioned that I thought we needed to go to counseling and he said that he wouldn't go. We've read Dr. Laura's books about "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and he said that he just needs to read it again. There's got to be something more that we can do together. Any thoughts?