I don't know how to start, but here goes, we took the Harley course a little over a year ago, and so do have a decent handle on many of the concepts taught in those classes. We've worked really hard on improving our sexual relationship, as I can see that is a very important need for my husband. We've learned to communicate better and experiment more. I've loosened up and become more confident, but my husband wants to take our relationship places that I'm unwilling to go. He wants me to watch "adult movies" with him, and after considerable talking and viewing, I'm convinced that it is not something I feel is morally appropropriate. I've refused to participate in this anymore and now my husband tells me that unless I do so, I won't be meeting his sexual needs anymore. I've tried to discuss this in relation to the policy of joint agreement, but he tells me that the policy of joint agreement isn't fair then, because, as he puts it, then the more "anal retentive" person always wins. Well, I feel that I'm not anal retentive, but that I have standards I plan to keep and quit compromising. I also find his describing me as anal retentive offensive and uncalled for. Right now there is a lot of conflict, but these are specific issues that need some resolution, in my opinion. Basically, my husband told me that unless I am willing to view "adult movies" with him, I will not be meeting his sexual needs. Period, end of story. No other ways to meet his needs.<p>Maybe this qualifies as the one conflict that cannot be rectified with the policy of joint agreement?<p>

There are lots of arguments that cannot be rectified with the Policy of Joint Agreement. What your husband wants you to follow is "The Policy of My Way..."<p>The POJA is in place to protect your marriage: you shouldn't let thoughtless behavior exist, and it's a big withdrawal from the lovebank when you do. It's better to DO NOTHING than to do something that will hurt your spouse.<p>You may not be fully be meeting your husbands sexual needs. But you should both learn to negotiate over the point: not use selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and anger to try to get your way. <p>His line that 'there is NO OTHER WAY to meet his sexual needs' is pure bs. 100% TAKER. Of course, I can point that out to him bluntly; you should be more delicate. I suggest that you do as Dr. Harley suggests: put the negotiations 'away' for a while, and come back to it at a later time. But the policy of Joint Agreement states that:<p>You should never gain at your spouse's expense.<p>And your husband will need to realize that this is exactly what he would be doing if you 'gave in'.

Aside from the K's input, doesn't your husband realize that he is not going to have an active participant in this? What satisfaction does he really think he'll get from you sitting next to him with a look of disgust on your face. So you know, there are tasteful and sensual videos that would not offend you available, but as K said, your husband needs to recognize his poor behavior & be understanding of your needs & limitations before you give in just to please him.