Been married for almost 5 years. I have never stopped loving her. She just recently told me that she no longer is in love with me. The problem I've been running into is that every time I try to talk about things and get to the root of what I've done/haven't done, all I get is "I don't know" which is less than satisfactory for me. I've decided to wait and give her time to figure out her feelings. It's hard not to get frustrated, but I feel like I'm the only one trying. Lots of maybes, what-ifs and such occurr.

carlos

I know that it is difficult to be partient, she may be afraid of how you will respond to what she has to say, she may be trying to avoid conflict, or perhaps she really is not clear about what is bothering her. keep trying, and good luck

That "in-love" feeling is cyclical, and on top of that, it tends to dissipate and change into a more companion/platonic form over time. I think our society's movies and fantasies of the day give people the impression that if they aren't awash with that in-love feeling, they don't love the other person. Its not so simple. Tell her that its okay not to feel in-love, as long as she still cares about you. She might feel conflicted right now, guilt-ridden and confused. If you let her know its normal and natural to feel this way, that the in-love is not a constant feeling, she'll probably feel relief, and feel a whole lot better. The real question is, does she care about you deeply? Does she still think you're wonderful for her as her husband? As long as those things are true, you two are in the clear. If its just a matter of having the in-love feeling, let her know what I wrote above: its cyclical, sometimes you feel it more than ever, sometimes not much at all...and over time it will change to become more platonic...that's just how it is. There are plenty of things you can do to bring the romance back, if that's all that's not here.

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: Carlos ]</small>

I thought she had found her way back, but in reality it was just a small step.

Some progress has been made. She admitted that she loves me and cares for me, but she also sticks to her statement that the "in love" feeling is gone... and the only way for us to make it work "long-term" is to "fall in love again".

How can Love be there one minute and go Poof the next?

She said:
"I’ve always believed that love is something that happens, not something you do. Yes, once in love you can work at keeping that love alive, but it’s not something you can force to happen."

Force? I don't even know what to say to that...
How can I refute this argument? I've always felt that Love "happening" was only one part of married love and, as has been said, that it varies in intensity. Her position is one of "belief" in this "in love" feeling.

At this point we agree to disagree. I've told her that she has as much time as she needs. It may KILL me to wait, but there is really nothing else I can do. I've done as much as I can on my side, eliminating what I think are my LBs with her and trying to provide for what I think are her EMs. The problem here is that these things won't really work unless she's on-board with the plan. According to her thinking, everything on these boards is after the fact and part of working on keeping it alive... not recreating the feeling. <sighs>
The hard part, for me, will be holding it all together while I wait.
We're planning to consult her parents this next weekend. They've been married a long time and should have some helpful insights...

Carlos,

Have you read through all the information on this website...really? If so, you know you don't have to guess at her ENs...just print out the form and ask her to fill it out for you. If she Loves you (even if she is not "in Love" with you), she'll do it. Then you don't guess, you KNOW and you can Plan A. Cause Plan A isn't about adultry...it's about meeting your spouses needs and building your account in her Love Bank. And knowing that at a certain point, BINGO, that Loving Feeling comes back! Don't be like a lot of men (including me) and not stop and ask for directions! Direct your efforts effectively, ask her for her instruction manual!