..I wonder whether my relationship with God and activities with the church are Independent Behaviors that take away from my marriage or if Jesus should be my first love. Do you struggle with this, too? ..
Being brought up baptist, I allways had a problem with people who tried to separate themselves from God in the now, like his omipresence so to speak. When the catholic kids next door, who had a tough life I must admit, but were still terrible unruly kids, would go to confession, and they said it was to tell God of thier sins and be forgiven, it blew my little mind. Lol, they would go back and do the same things over and over again. I felt as God was allways watching me, so I could not hide anyway, so I spoke to him directly, (How proud huh?) But yet I suffered with much lonely guilt, because my Dad, could never be approached, no way, no how. He allready was beating himself up and everyone around him. Not in violence, but internally, as he had given up on God also there.
There is a study somewhere that says you will be attracted to the same personality type that you struggled with in your parents when you marry. Maybe I should be clearer on that. You MAY be attracted to that. I see that with my wife that has passed on now. Not at first mind you, but because I went through years as a young boy towing the line for God and waiting so patiently for something to change, or to be good enough, it made it so easy to allow stuff happen within my marriage, and take the abuse.
Here is the kicker though, my wife was saved at 18, spent much time studing the bible, and throwing herself at Gods mercy. She was very knowledgeable, many went to her for help, but yet she would not admit she needed to get counseling for the alcohol that had ruined her parents lives, and threatened hers. When we seperated for two years because of her drinking, and she went back to church, (I met her when she was backsliding, a term again I have a problem with, Dam my pride), ..any way she went back, and cleaned up quite a bit, but still wouldn't see "the plank in her own eye, as she was trying to remove the splinter in others". She would not do the practical work of going to AA, and accept the gift that she was human, and there were others here, ordained by God, to help her.
So this was a problem with me, she would go to church, and there is where I believe would be the only place she might find acceptance and the humility to get help. But she hid the truth from herself by trying to save others, still a martyr, and not totally happy either. I attended and believed also, but I was, how can I put it, drugged by my own self-delusion and hyperspirituality too. I soon found myself waiting for what was allready mine to take because I had it given allready, freedom from guilt and shame.
Its what your taught in church that matters, and if you don't hear Christ in it toss it out. Preachers are not perfect either, and it is Christ that we need, and the freedom he gives us.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
That also to me has meant people represent the world, even in the church. Our marriages also are in the world, and subject to it.
Its funny how God prunes back the vine, and we still don't see or want to accept what we still have is life, and it is a gift, so we don't have fruit of the spirit.
Praying your H will see that for himself, and that you continue to go on with God. Without Him marraige, or should I say life, would be unbearable, if left to reason out its value by my standards. It sounds like you are doing all you can, and in the end, stand. I can't find the scripture, but in essence.."After done all, stand"
God Bless