update - the slide downwards - Marriage Builders® Forums

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Adjustment Disorder Depression - think I got it, and H is no support. Honestly, the only support that I have is MB right now. Isolation. My daughter, I think, is some support. But, it isn't good for her or me to lean on her. Husband has an attitude of kick 'em when their down . What's new. Plan A? Down by the wayside. I told him last night that through all of the issues I have been through with him, that at no time did I not love him - but now? I told him that he has arrived to a point in my perspective where I honestly cannot say that I feel anything but contempt and disrespect toward him.What did he do? It is his lovebusting, and what he does not do. I still haven't found another job, so I guess I have to go back to the college this week to work. I really want to quit, fall off the face of this planet, call and tell them that I died and won't be back, or anything. I do NOT want to go back there. at all. It is totally pointless.Yeah, I'm negative right now. Sorry I haven't responded to some of my closest friends here. I'm just not able. I've been posting to some new people on GQ - and finding I'm still sane. Why cant I post to the ones I love? hmmm... I'm in a funk - the blues - just an update.TNT

Oh TnT,How well I understand EVERYTHING you've written!From... not wanting to step foot back on the campus... to... wanting to be invisible... to... losing every ounce of respect and love for your WS... to isolation.If you're anything like me, you feel like you've somehow failed your marriage, failed your family, failed your friends, failed yourself, and failed God. I think that's why it's hard to respond to those you're closest to... a stranger feels safer somehow. I hope this is just a case of the blues... but if it is truly a disorder, seek help, please. For YOU.Much love,
Sheryl

yeah, sheryl - I think it is gonna take some professional help. hands are still shaking, heart is racing, can't sleep, and now my foot has been cramping. (my bad foot.) Everytime I think about going back to work, it starts all over again. Husband told me he is not a professional and cannot help me. While I agree with that, it is still no excuse for him treating me like a piece of furniture. I know that I am not supposed to make any major decisions while this is going on, but I told him that I wish he would move out.His new job - about 75 employees. He is one of 4 men. I called him on Friday at work (a rare occasion, I NEVER call him) and he was acting VERY strange. Now he is talking about some girl at work. It's a repeat of the same-o, same-o. Just not sure I wanna do this anymore.Thanks Sheryl. Hard drive had to be re-formatted, lost everyone's email addresses. TNT

I just sent you an email, TnT. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I know how you feel... and it stinks!!!!Your H is being a poop, and no, you should NOT be making big decisions right now. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, and don't even think about him right now, okay????

Oops...never mind about the update...I'm reading this!Oh, my heart goes out to you, dear friend. There are many of us here for far too many years.I so wish your H's terrible terrible choices wouldn't hurt you.Please prayefully consider what is best for you and your son given the circumstances.

Thanks for emailing me, Sheryl.FHL - It is hard to pray right now - such withdrawal from life!I am just reflecting a little bit from my conversation (lovebust session, really) last night. He commented that he believes I am the most munipulative person he knows. Earlier in the day I had asked for him to commit to one thing that we could do together. Our son had spent the night at his older daughters the night before, and he was pooped out from snowmobiling all day, so he didn't want to do anything with me. All I wanted was him to do just one thing with me, just one thing... While negotiating with him to get him to agree to do just one thing, he said 'how about sex?'.... I said "I am NOT in the mood for sex - I have NO FEELINGS left for you, especially right now, and sex has been the furthest thing from my mind. What I need is emotional support, and for you to do ONE THING WITH ME." Even when I go into mercy sex, it is no use, but he still demands. So I gave in. It was useless. (That is common in depression, which he is fully aware of - loss of interest in sex, an an inability to find ANY pleasure in it.)So I'm telling him last night that his actions speak louder than his words (he really doesn't love me, he only loves himself) - that I feel used. I tell him that I think he is narcisstic. I go back into the bedroom, and shut the door (which is where I spend 99% of my time when he is home - and he is only home to sleep anymore.) So while I'm in the bedroom he calls my daughter - tells her a bunch of crap - and she calls me back and says that she thinks that I should go stay a few days with her - that 'we' need a break from one another. I told her thanks, but no thanks, I'm not leaving my house. She said that he knows I need support but he is determined to do nothing to help me, that I have needed support for 10 years and that he is sick of this crap. So, after hanging up the phone with daughter I went to the living room and told him that if he felt HE needed a break, he could leave, that I have no intention of leaving my home. Then, he tells our son that "mom's paranoid, brace yourself, she's going nuts again, yada yada.".... (yeah he's always been a JERK)Then he starts in about when we went to that marriage counselor a couple of years ago. Remember that one? (I don't even know if it is in the archives anymore. What a Farse!) Where I found out he was trying to get me committed so he could have custody? (I got it all on an email that his oldest daughter wrote.) He goes on to say to our 9 year old about how this counselor told him that I was crazy, and that pretty soon our son wouldn't have to put up with me anymore. So, as the argument progressed - I said, ya know, this marriage counselor was deceived - and I STILL have all the proof of what your intentions were. Don't EVEN go there, or you will have egg all over your sorry face.So then he says that he believes I am the most munipulative thing in the world.Now, reflecting back to Dec 99, during D-Day time (which was AFTER the marriage counselor charade...) He called social services the day before D-Day to tell them I was suicidal, and to see what it would take to get me committed. It is in his telephone log. I have friends at social services - yes - he did this BEFORE he told me that he is admitting to an almost mistake.More reflection..... I went snooping in his wallet yesterday. (claims that our checkbook balance has gone down $4,000 in the past month, and blames me for over-spending for Christmas.) (I put my shopping on the card, not through the checkbook. he handles finances.) I discover that he bought himself all new clothes when he was out Christmas shopping.... underwear, socks, pants, etc. I also discover that he deposited $7,000 out of our joint account into his savings account.You know what? I may be extremely depressed, but I think something is VERY fishy right now. I will hold off on any major decisions, but ya know, I just can't do this right now. I wish he'd just leave until I get better, at least. I have enough on my plate that I am physically and mentally trying to overcome, no thanks to him. TNT

Liz- I know this thread isn't congruent with POPW, but, I feel that my friends here at this women's forum is the only support that I have. More reflection:He was trying to encourage me that if I divorced him without any problems (meaning, no spousal support, no custody, no property division, etc.) then he would allow our son to continue going to the Christian school he is going to. He also said that he will not be doing a thing at the lake house to fix it up. I reminded that we bought that place for my Mothers Day present in 2000, and that in the past 12 months he has only put in about 7 hours of labor on it. It has basically sat there the entire time, with nothing happening. The only thing he has done has gone over there to fish, and to let our son mow the lawn with the riding lawn mower. I told him it is apparent to me that his actions said that he NEVER intended to do anything with the lake house during our marriage, that it was just bologne. And, I reminded him, that I am the one that has paid all of the payments for that house, not him.Then he said that my whole problem is that I am too lazy to get a real job so that I can afford to go to California to visit my family. And I told him that I have brought in more to this household than simply the lake house payments, and that if I want to spend the money to go to CA, I should be able to. He didn't say anything, but his implication was that I am worthless, and that all the money is his money, no matter how much I make. Just venting here, but also reflecting. As I am not supposed to make major decisions during this depression - I just don't want to get better and forget about the truth of what he really feels.He feels nothing for me, he does not love me, how can anyone that loves somebody kick them so hard when they are down, anyhow?Crying now. What a jerk.

Hi again, TnT, on this lonely New Year's Eve [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] My H is working, so I'm hanging out here and playing hearts until he gets home (early, at least, instead of those a.m. shifts).Hon, I read what Liz wrote, and I thought the same thing you did. Lord knows I've B****** and moaned enough around here and not prayed for my marriage like a good, strong wife. We're all struggling so much, aren't we? I think the ONLY reason I'm feeling a bit better, honest to God, is the Zoloft. I've been praying and trying so hard, and all the prayer in the world doesn't do it when you're depressed. I have books about Christian depression, and they usually say it can be prayed away. I know God is in the miracle biz, but sometimes we need help from those he put on this earth to help us - like Dr.'s, you know???I hear your pain, and I wish I could dry those tears for you, TnT. Gosh, Paha is a mess, you are a mess, I'm still a mess, LH is doing better but still not great... it's like we're ALL being attacked!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Anyway, just wanted you to feel heard tonight, dear one.((((((((((TnT))))))))))

Hi SherylI am glad that you changed your user name back to New Beginning. I like that one better. You are in a New Beginning; you have a new country, new husband, and new relationship skills, and you know, you have some of the best new friends - yes we are real - even though cyber.You know, after he set up his karaoke machine that I got him for Christmas, the first song he sang was "lost in the 50's tonight". He knows how I hate him to sing that song. He is fully aware of the triggers. (I think that was his song with OW - because he used to sing that song and get teary eyed - and it had NOTHING to do with us.) I remember he sang it that night at karaoke - when OW was there too. So here, I tried to shop and get him something super special for Christmas, his own professional Karaoke machine, 20 CD's with a variety of songs, and it was not a cheap unit - it is the same unit the professionals use. I paid good money for it. And the first song he sang was lost in the 50's. sick. makes me mad.My daughter invited us over for New Years Eve, to play pictionary. No, that is not what he wanted to do, he wants to go find a place with a band and drink. What a jerk. Got into a big fight tonight, he left with our son. Probably will be dropping our son off at SIL's, and then he is going out with his sisters or daughters. He said it wasn't planned, but he sure did egg on this fight. So, after I realized he was leaving, I asked for the checkbook. (no cash, out of cigarettes.) And I wanted to use his truck. Oh, no, no - way, I can't drive his truck. He finally got me some blank checks, but I had to walk to the store. It is 2 below 0. (my car has been broken for weeks.)The guy working at the store is coming over to my house tomorrow at 11:00 am and will fix my car. So poo poo on you - you jerk husband. I hope he gets smashed and in more ways than one tonight. I hope I never have to see him again. I'm sure my son will be sleeping at SIL's tonight. Jerk.I am so sick of him. I am not kidding! I have held back my lovebusters for almost 3 years straight - with just a couple of times letting him have it. That is pretty darn good.I'm so siick of it!He has his snowmobile out front, with the key still in it. What better way to lovebust, but to go take it out. I think that is what I am going to do! Woohoo! $10K machine is going for a ride tonight. I am afraid to drive it to my daughters though, that is 40 miles away. But maybe I'll drive it out to MY uninhabitable lake house, and just sit and look at the stars.NB - thank you for being there for me today, I've been so upset. God Bless you, and may you have a wonderful new year.Love,
TNT

TNTJust checking in. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry I couldn't stay online. I've just been very ill.{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TNT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}God bless and hugs,
Samantha

tnt, so many behaviors you describe in your H sound oh so familiar. Patricia Evans would describe the 50's song as an invisible dagger. It might be a great song and anyone else in the room might think nothing of his choice, but only you and he know that he is using something seemingly innocent to drive a dagger right through your heart. I also find it truly despicable that he would refuse you access to his truck, refuse to drive you to the store and back, and be such a nonparticipant in getting your own car in working order. I know you've stood for your marriage a long time tnt. When the POPW thread was going strong, I found a copy in the library and tried to get up to speed. I can't remember now what's in the first chapter, but it had me in tears. I think it was referring to things that were so totally absent from my marriage. It seemed like such an impossible prayer, so out of reach, that it hurt too much to even say it out loud. I too am capable of prolonged periods of no lovebusters. It's not enough. My H wants peace and I can give it to him, but that translates into avoiding conflict, which is ultimately unhealthy. For me, I feel the only way I can continue becoming a better person is to enjoy the absence of my H. He's not really "there" for me. I want a marriage that consists of one party of two. Instead, I have two parties of one, which makes one of us unnecessary. I'm still grappling with how that thought reconciles with scripture. I just want so much to be successful at being married. I feel like the cost of my failure increases the longer I allow my vague shadow of a marriage to continue. Does any of this sound like the same boat you're in tnt? I'm particularly concerned about your level of stress and the effects it's having on your health. For heavens sake, I can't get over him making you walk to the store in such cold. That's cold enough to get frostbite! I'm also concerned about his shifting of funds. Do you have an account of your own? You need one. I see you suffering the same dilemma as me. You treat your H the way you want to be treated. You hope he'll get a clue and treat you kindly in return. At best, you're getting disappointment in return. You got him a nice gift for Christmas. Gifts admittedly need to be given with no strings or expectations attached, but I know how much it hurts me when my H does NOTHING for Christmas, except pretend that it doesn't exist. I also know how much it hurts when consideration for me, my wants, my hopes, my desires... when all those things are absent, it just hurts unbelievably. Well, this isn't cheering you up one bit. I can tell you what cheered me up when I was at a lower point than I am now. Saying lots of prayers, rearranging my priorities, making a mental commitment to placing money and material things at the BOTTOM of the priority list, mentally preparing myself to sacrifice all material posessions in order to get my peace of mind back. I'm admittedly attached to my creature comforts, but I think it's important to put them in proper perspective. And letting go of things I've had on my "wish list" is probably the stickiest wicket. I went astray along the line somewhere, and now I'm looking for a path with an unknown location. I am an open book, willing to look at new perspectives. In many ways, I'm still in the same ole place, but a mental readjustment of priorities does help. I used to have my H at the top. Then my worries about financial ruin. Now I have my relationship with God at the top, then my mental, physical and spiritual well being next, then my H's well being, my family and friends well being. My home, my possessions and financial concerns, even my marriage, all got demoted. I heard a testimonial on the radio yesterday. It's easy to have faith in God when things are going ok. It's having that faith when things are downright lousy that your faith is tested... and grown. All it takes is a mustard seed of faith. The seed is small. The hull is cracked before growth occurs. When full grown, that little mustard seed of faith turns into a plant, tall and strong and beautiful. I dunno, tnt, ya suppose you're in the cracked hull stage? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

It is pretty easy at this time of year as we take a look at the past and reassess the future to get down in the dumps as we realize the dreams that are never fulfilled. It is our challenge though to not suck into the yuch but to concnetrate on the truths before us in regards to our future. Since we started this study forum, we first and foremost recognized that we spent most of our time in Chapter 1, His wife because we had to be willing to be changed by God and in that process, we had to learn to Shut Up And Pray. How easily it is to slip back into the backlash that comes from one nasty comment, the defensiveness and harshness to hurt as we are hurt. It happens so fast.Reading a new book called Foolproofing your life by Jan Silvias....really addresses those times when we are dealing with those loved ones who get stuck in the foolish and how we sink to their level....and how to get past it and live that abundant life in spite of them....
Anyway Happy New Year. May we all learn to be more Christ focused this year. May our hearts hunger for His truth and may we learn to set boundaries as He set boundaries.

Well, today is New Year's Day and I have yet to even speak to my H. We had made plans two days ago that he would leave OW and come home during the day. Guess what, the louse is a no show !! I have cried and called and left message for my H at the OW answering machine. This was to be the first holiday out of the last 4 that I would see him. He lied and has not shown up or called. I also have read the book POPW and been writing and answering the questions to change me. One of the big things is that the wife (me) must always show respect for the Husband. How do you continue to respect someone who is vindictive and downright mean!! All I have had the past holidays has been a slap in the face. My H and OW have only been together for 2 months. My H and I had been together for 34 years. This is how I am being treated!! H moved out and ran to OW ( use to be my friend). She took him in and all contact has been inititated by me. I have a daughter who lives at home and H has yet to even speak to her. I had such HIGH HOPES and now all I want to do is cry!! scream and shout!! How can I be a good wife and pray for my H in this state of mind.Hey, if there is anyone out there who can pray for me and H please do!! I believe that God is the only answer!! My heart just is not in praying right now. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

forgot to include profile!!

i just want you to know I am alive and kickin, but exhausted. I was still trying to get some sleep at 7 am this morning - really having a hard time right now. Must've dozed - because I woke up and the Rose Parade was on. Made me homesick.. Been to many of those arades! Even went to the Rose Bowl once - where are those days?I am finally getting exhausted so maybe i'll get some sleep tonight. You are all so special to me, thank you for being my dear friends. I will respond tomorrow to you all? Love you all! so good to see you all!always and forever - love your name. Love
TNT

<blockquote>quote:<hr>One of the big things is that the wife (me) must always show respect for the Husband. How do you continue to respect someone who is vindictive and downright mean!! <hr></blockquote>What my pastor told me was that we were to have respect for the position that God placed our husbands in, but we certainly would not allow disrespect towards ourselves out of some mistaken perception that this was being respectful towards a husband. Because of the position God has placed my husband in, I feel a strong need to pray for him becuase God is going to him to hold him repsonsible for the horrible way he has treated me. I also owe my husband the respect of speaking truthfully even if he doesn't like it, because proverbs tells us that truth from a friend may sting sometimes. I guess I am learning that the things I think God wants me to change may not be what God wants me to change at all, for I find myself sometimes thinking that if I do such and such, then my husband will be kinder, etc. but I think moreso God wants me to be firmer at setting loving boundaries so that I am not sinning via bitterness, etc.I will be praying for you.

[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] tears falling...Dear, dear TNT, the thought that you are so stressed and stretched AND that my post might have hurt you more...I am SO sorry.I hadn't read any of the WBS posts when I pulled up the POPW first page, I just wanted to be sure it didn't fall by the wayside.You are in my prayers, because I understand depressive illness (have it) and anxiety disorder (remember me as the Xanax queen in the early days?). How dreadful that he is being such a ####head. (Pardon the implied expletive).Please care for yourself, read the Psalms, and rest in the love of the one who made you.I am so sorry that I was insensitive, albeit unknowingly.lizzie pearl

How to respect someone who is vindictive and mean? I sure don't know...My ex used the Bible as a boulder to throw over me, not a loving sword to lead the way. "THE MAN IS THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD"... not..."WITH GOD'S GUIDANCE I WILL LEAD THIS FAMILY".... Liz, like I said, I read what you wrote too... and felt as TnT did... and clearly, I should have known better, since you've been a sweetheart from Day 1... forgive me for jumping to conclusions. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] TnT, Love you, and thought of you often yesterday... while I lay on the couch feeling like my insides were playing soccer... I felt TERRIBLE. I do feel a bit better today, thankfully.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>The guy working at the store is coming over to my house tomorrow at 11:00 am and will fix my car. So poo poo on you - you jerk husband. <hr></blockquote>
TNT- This is exactly the idea about setting boundaries...doing what you need to do so that you won't sin... poo poo/jerk husband part might be the sin part, but when we begin again letting go so that God can deal with the jerks in our life, we might trip up now and again. The thing is that we do take action so that we are not continually abused. I might have called a cab to get to the store myself... continue to assess what it is you need to do to take care of yourself. You are special and holy TNT and wholly loved by the Father. (and us too!)

Hi Sam, hope that the doctor can figure out what your medical problem is and fix it - soon - miss you.Thanks LH, invisible dagger re: singing that song is a good analogy. Patricia Evans knew exactly what she was talking about. I think I know exactly how you feel - I'm not sure where all of this fits scriptually, either. Sue B - chapter 1 was about his wife - yes I had tears over that chapter too. Found myself shaking my head yes as I was reading it. Thank you for your support - I know God hears when you pray. I know that I'm still so exhausted and upset - and life is swirling around me - that it is so hard to understand what you are writing, it causes so much deep thought - and my brain is in overload. I will go back and re-read and re-read and re-read as I have most of your posts - because God gives you so much wisdom. Keep on posting to me, not in vain.Always and Forever - I just know that it must be very painful for you right now - you've been married so long. Liz - Thanks for clarifying. Love you too, hugs and hope all is well for you. I should have known better, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.Sheryl - i think your X didn't & doesn't know how to interact without munipulation, and what a real shame that he used scripture to do it, that is just plain BAD. You have such a kind heart - he knows how to get to you. don't allow it.Everyone - there is more for updating - as this situation spins out of control and I get swallowed into the tornado - causing so much havoc.I think my thinking is not sharp right now - but I believe it is this in a nutshell - not being capable of meeting his needs has caused major upheaval, and it came to head when I did meet his needs and asked for help, not getting it and lovebusting. So much has happened so fast - but yesterday he took us for a drive down to the area that he is working in, about an hour away then he went through drive-through KFC and got us some food for last night. I'll tell ya, he is acting very strange. Yes, I guess I'm acting strange, but I have a legitimate excuse - because of my depression and health.Son was crying pretty hard for a little while last night. It is so apparent that things are so bad. We all 3 climbed into bed to just be together, we all feel so bad. Everything seemed to be a little calmer this morning - except son couldn't find his backpack and almost missed bus - and that got everyone all riled up again for a moment.After H and son left, I called my work and am not needed there - and told them I'd go in on Monday, and that was fine with them, and helps me to have a little more rest before then. Then H called me from his work, and H considers it as a lovebuster that I didn't go to work, and here we go again. He said he can't live like this, and he says that I have blown an opportunity for a full-time job. He refuses to acknowledge that there is no-way that they are hiring me. He told me to call the president of the college for a 2 minute conversation to find out if they plan to hire me full-time. Totally inappropriate to do that! Where does he get this thinking, anyhow? He has been told 500 times that I am temp-part time, contract ends Feb 14th, and I was not selected for interview when they did finally create the full-time director position? Is he on another planet? ee gads. what a nightmare. You'd think the world is coming to an end.So he says he can't live like this. He then went on to say that I have caused him to not function at work. I told him he shouldn't be calling me from work - he's talking low but knocking me big time, and I can hear his co-workers in the background. Add to my list of woes total embarrassment. Then he said that he has to have things to look forward to in his life, so his daughter called him this morning at work and he said he is going to the snowmobile races on Saturday. Where the heck did that come from - the world is ending, it's my fault, I'm no good, I'm worthless, I'm nothing but a problem, He'd be better off if I never existed - and then he is going to the snowmobile races. I just said, oh. talk to you later and we hung up.Now I think back to some comments that he said on New Years Eve.... he had left, and I wasn't sure where they had gone, but he later told me that he had gone to his daughters house with our son, eat spaghetti and watched Pearl Harbor... He said that he wanted to go out to hear a band and drink on New Years Eve earlier, so I had figured he had dropped our son off at my SIL's and done just that, and was really sorta surprised he didn't. Well on New Years Day he said he knew he shouldn't go out and listen to a band and drink because he knew that I would accuse him of being with another woman. He's bringing this subject up yesterday, not me. So, in essence, his New Years Eve was a big disappointment and it was my fault - that he didn't end up going out. So when things were calm finally last night, he called both of his daughters, to wish them happy new years. So after he hung up I asked what they ended up doing on New Years Eve - trying to make a pleasant comment. He said that his older daughter stayed home with her boyfriend and his son, and that his X had tried to get everyone to go out that night and that she wanted older daughter to be the designated driver (she's pg and can't drink) and older daughter ended up staying home instead.So now I am wondering how is X fits into this. sheesh.H apparently runs into X at Wal-mart when he goes (weird, he's not a shop-a-holic and rarely goes to Walmart), and usually says he saw her but didn't talk. In November, he said he ran into her and she asked him if he was buying a glider rocker for their youngest daughter for her gift at her daughters baby shower. (Gee, SD invited me (girls only) to that shower and I am the one to bring the gift, I was rather resentful that X would suggest to H what I should bring to the baby shower for a gift, but blew it off and ended up getting her the glider - but bought it for Christmas and not the shower, gave her what I already had bought for the shower.) I guess they went to look at gliders and he told me the one I should go back and buy. (Irritated! I can spend my money on a gift that X picks out? uggh, that made me mad - but I BLEW IT OFF.)In December, he mentioned he ran into X (again at Wal-mart) reassuring me he didn't say 2 words to her. Then some days later, during Christmas vacation, son says that H did talk to her and that is how they found out X's daughter was going to have surgery. On Christmas Eve I asked my SD how the surgery went, and what kind of surgery it was - surprising my husband that I knew anything, and he seemed kinda nervous... Turns out the girl had tubes put in her ears. Defensively, he came to me and said that H didn't say two words to her, she did all the talking....... One day recently, my husband brings up that he would have gotten me some lingere for Christmas, but they were all out, and he has 2 witnesses. (Defensive? and He's the one who decided to bring it up!) I lovebusted,, and asked if his X was one of the witnesses? (He got mad and said "just for that, I'll let you believe what you wanna believe." (figuring it was his daughters that were the witnesses) I said, ya know, I have asked you year after year to not have your daughters help you pick out gifts for me. They do not want me in your life, you know it, I know it, and they just urge you to buy me stuff that is useless or an insult. So, if that is what happened this year - why you bought me a bunch of stuff that hurt my feelings, (can opener, bathroom scale) now I know why, and I don't want you to do that again. Give me nothing rather than insults.I just can't put my finger on what is going on in his world - I'm sure it is connected to his new job, and his relatives - whether it be his daughters, X, or whoever. He did tell me on New Years Eve that he has been detached from me for a long time. I said, you know - when your action are different from your words - I DO sense it, and to me it isn't honest. So, I have sensed this detachment, but I figured it was because I was withdrawing from you so I could deal with my issues resulting from my job. I would like to you to think about this and tell me if your detachment is from my withdrawal/depression - not meeting your needs, which is an internal marriage issue, or is it an external issue. An external issue is something that is not between us.He said he didn't know, then after a while he said it was external. My guess is something is fishy, it is related to me not meeting his needs - and my lovebusters the other day is bringing it all to a head.I think I need to brace myself.Keep those prayers up for me, and I'm beginning to come around and getting up the strength to pray for myself too - on New Years Day, while I was trying to get some sleep about 6:30 TD Jakes came on TBN. The message was directly related to the BS - and to hang on to God's promises for God's peace. I know God is working - I just can't feel it right now - my feelings are all off kilter - but I DO have my faith - even though I can't feel it. God is good.TNT

SueB
H doesn't want that person to fix my car, he's afraid its more involved than that person can handle. (replacing alternator)He bought the alternator for my car, but he said it is a lot of work - and involved. He said I need to get it into a shop so incase something goes wrong afterwards it is warrantied - which made sense.Maybe I'll get dressed today and see if I can find a shop to fix it. Gotta take one step forward, even if I don't feel like it? Yup.This is a very small town - no such thing as cabs. I could've drove the snowmobile, though - but am glad I didn't - walk (even with bad foot) was better for me. I bundled up, and didn't get frostbit. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Gotta quote you a paragraph from Jan Silvias' book. <blockquote>quote:<hr>The reason you remain in turmoil is that you are trying to relate to someone who has some wonderful qualities mixed with a perplexing set of destructive characteristics. In the beginning you may have admired this person, but soon you found yourself mired in the chaos that seems to characterize the relationship. One minute you hear your own laughter, and you hope against hope that all is well. The next minute you're on the defensive in response to some inane comment or emotional jab made at you by this one to whom you are trying to relate. If you protest, invariably the person denies he has said or done anything inappropriate. In a few twist of the facts, he tries to convince you that you're a bitter person or just "oversensitive". When you have been labled with all other conceivable insults, there sometimes comes the appellation you hate more than any other: "crazy". It leaves you bleeding. What can you possibly do or say to counter that one? By the time the encounter is over, you are kicking yourself for even mentioning that you have feeelings.<hr></blockquote>Now does that touch anyone's intermost parts?

Sue B - yup that sounds familiar. Not entitled to feelings - need to be a piece of furniture in this relationship. Just thinking again - (does somebody need to do something to keep me from thinking - not good for me?) You know, things seemed to be somewhat settled - or at least okay - until H went to work today. In retrospect, H didn't call to see if I went to work, he called to let me know he was going to snowmobile races - and he is doing it because I am bad. sick.

Exactly dear girl! Punishment, punishment, and is that sick or what????!!! So we are back to letting go and letting God. Thanks for the info about the races dear, son and I are going to do such and such......by all means get that car to the shop, even if you have to hire a tow truck to get it there!

Yeah SueB, that quote *touches* me too...I received a letter from a dear MB friend (I love this place -- I've made the BEST real-life friends) and I have been mulling it over for the last two weeks. In it, she asks how I really feel about my current H and my ex. I think she wonders because I write completely conflicting messages and still speak of my ex in sometimes-glowing terms, while admitting that he was an abusive personality. Yet, here is my current H, the sweetest man, the most kind and gentle soul, who would never hurt a fly, and although I love him dearly, it's like he's not hurting me enough to give my whole self to; if that makes any sense at all. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Yep, seeing a therapist, for I know I've got some MAJOR issues going on here... as does TnT... what a mess we are, eh?

You know what Sheryl - I have come to a realization in the last couple of days (yeah that is a dangerous time to come to a realization, huh?) anyway, I realize that I prefer physical pain/abuse to this emotional pain. Now.....Analyze that! (what a piece of work I am!)I think the emotional ups and downs and length of time that you were in your first marriage - plus the fact that you produced a life-long cause for interaction (children) - sure will leave you emotionally connected - and that will go away time and with your healing from all that munipulation you have been on the receiving end from that X of yours. As you build for yourself your new life with your emotionally healthy new husband - more and more that X will be only a memory in a former life that doesn't affect you anymore. My X has been in that place in my mind now for quite a number of years. Just have as little contact as you can with your X, and limit it to a business type relationship that involves the logistics of YOUR relationship with your children. Just don't give him the opportunity to munipulate you or your life ANYMORE! Thank God he's not your responsibility! And the truth is, even when you were married to him, he wasn't YOUR responsibility - he was God's - but you didn't get a chance to learn that until now.love you
TNT

Yes TnT, I hear ya... because the bruises heal eventually (usually sooner than later) but the emotional scars last a lifetime (or at least it feels like it).You're right about both of us -- no analysis necessary. We're classic co-dependent enablers... So, what do we do about that. Well, I guess like the 12 Step programs say -- admit, first, and then turn it over to our higher power. Problem is, I'm mad at my higher power, and I don't wanna <stomping foot>.Blach, spit, spew... just in a poopie place today.You sound better though -- stronger -- and that's WONDERFUL.Love you too,
Sheryl

Tnt, Sheryl,
I've been reading and I feel so much for you two.Sometimes when I think of the bad times and how my H was...I can't even give advice, because I didn't know what to do about him, I didn't know how to go on, I didn't know how to let go.And I chose badly.I often think the really good thing I did was POPW. I prayed for him. But it was up to my H to have the change of heart that God was pressing him for. Then it was up to me to find enough forgiveness and hope to try again.My counselor told me that no, I couldn't trust my H at that point, the C couldn't ask me to, but I could always trust God.I too was mad as a hatter at God when it seemed I would be the one to take the "blame" for our divorce.But I took the step of trusting God...and I think He then started sliding my stubborn feet onto the path I was supposed to be on.It's a good thing I'm not Lot's wife, because I would be stone many times over from looking back and wondering.Hugs and prayers.

Hi Lor,You sound so good, and for that I am truly happy! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Envious, but happy!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] TnT,How are you today?That letter I told ya'll about yesterday, the one from my MB friend -- I answered it this morning, and I'm whipped emotionally now. I had to face some stuff (BOY! She asked me some TOUGH questions! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ) and I am just on the edge of weepiness. Blach, I hate this!Today is the beginning of the really ick stuff -- our rent's been raised... then I got a call from the bank about the one credit card we're both on... when are we going to pay?... I don't know... and so it begins... we've been sliding by until now... and the proverbial sh*t hits the fan this month... checks bouncing, bills hit three months late... our financial life is completely spiriling out of control. And not a thing can we do about it. I can't work, we don't have money for immigration, and he makes approx $1000 (give or take a few hundred) less than we need to live month to month. Tick tock, tick tock... how long will I last?I hope it's okay that I did a little mini-vent on your thread TnT. When will this poop end?

Hi Lor and SherylWow looking back - an analogy to Lot's wife - hit's home, doesn't it? I'm doing much better. He called me back yesterday and apologized for getting on me again - and he was nice last night. It just helps sooo much.Booked a trip to visit my kids in CA. That has me looking forward to something. H said maybe I need to buy 3 plane tickets a year - in advance, so I always have something to look forward to. Maybe that would help? I shouldn't be homesick after so many years living here - but maybe I am. I do know I have a new little granddaughter I would like to meet in CA. So I am glad I am going. I'm doing better - out of crisis, anyway. Love you
TNT

Sheryl - I just don't know how long those financial woes have to continue for you - God certainly knows the issues, I just don't get it. We are supposed to look at issues and decide if it is something we can change - change it if we can, and if we can't - accept it, but give it to God. I just can't imagine God ignoring your cries for help? I know God sometimes seems like he isn't hearing, but works behind the scenes - but I know how you feel - when it seems like he doesn't care. Just know that he does - just doesn't feel like it. Don't panic - I know that it will work out somehow, someway - I will keep you in my prayers.Love,
TNT

Good evening All,
Tnt, I am so sorry to read about this mess with h. I really wish your prayers would be answered and he would get a brain. Maybe just a couple cells would help? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I have never been able to understand my h when it comes to understanding my work environment. But I can clearly picture him with responses like your h's reagrding a permanent position. Perhaps they just cannot relate to another work situation than the one they are in? To foreign? Mine also likes to jump into the middle of the problems and 'tell me' just how to fix it all up. He does not suggest, he makes statements and demands and tells exactly what to do and say to whom! Amazing....
I have yet to find an effective way to deal with this problem. I must say that h is getting better since I started reminding him that we are different and do not have to handle things the same way. A gentle nudge seems to help him. And it definately makes me feel more respected as an individual.
Your h seemed to be doing good for awhile, now he is back into the LBs in a major way.
I dont think it is you TNT. Rather I think there are things going on in him that are causing him to react to you in this way.
It might be time to bring this to him and ask him to do some self-reflection?
And for TNT.....look ahead, pray, let yourself feel all the positive energy and love from everyone else. Take it in and move forward.
Things are hard right now, but there is a reason for it. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))) cl

Hi cl - thanks for responding. I'll have to do an internet search and see where I can send him for brain cell supplement treatments. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Went to Dr. today. Not a good report, but at least I'm getting some help. Won't know about my thyroid until next week. My blood pressure is high. He'll try me on some Paxil and see if that starts to help me a little. Well, as far as sleeping goes - I told him that I went to bed around 5:30 this morning, but still just laid there and laid there and laid there. Not getting much sleep. Held my hand out for Dr. so he could see how I was shaking - he is concerned and told me to go to emergency room if my crying gets out of hand or if my heart flip/flops or surges again - in the meantime he wants to wait for my thyroid tests to come back. Don't know why he didn't do an EKG, though. oh well. I told him that I think I may have had little heart attacks within the last month - maybe as recent as New Years Eve, so again, he said if it does it again, go straight to the emergency room. I told Dr. that my sister is bi-polar, and does he think in any of this has to do with that? And he said that he was pretty confident in saying no.H and I talked last night. That is a whole different issue - I'll update later - still kinda upset about that. My main thing right now - is my health, and also - I'd like to get to a point where I don't want to be so emotional - so that I know that my emotions aren't 'reactive'.Love you all
TNT

He agreed to take me to my daughters today, because it is a couple of blocks away from the snow-mobile races. 10 trailers fell through the ice, they postponed the snowmobile races. So he rounds up his family members and decides to go skiing instead. I can't ski - bad foot. So here I sit in this house again. He's been gone about 9 hours so far. I suppose they'll all go out for dinner, then he'll stay and watch a movie or whatever, and then he'll be home when he is tired enough to sleep. Some support. Narcisstic. I should just be glad that I don't have to argue with him.I am still looking for some more comments, so I posted a thread on the recovery board. I'm just not sure where I belong anymore, anyway here is the link.http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=005527

Good Morning TNT,
I just posted to you on the other thread.
What is going on with your health? Hmmm, I have a few ideas and I am sure you do.
I dont think bipolar is an issue with you tnt. But the doc is right to check your thyroid. Did they also check estrogen and glucose? I know you are not eating right, so hope he did a full panel.
Stop the caffeine and cut back on the nicotine.
Your h is being truly terrible right now. You are reaching out to him and he just isnt there-physically or emotionally. Was he ever there for you when you needed him? Or are you the glue that keeps things together? I know you can carry a lot tnt, I have been watching it for a few years! Maybe you are just getting tired of being atlas? It manifests itself with depression. Have you looked into the symptoms of seasonal affective disorder also? Perhaps that is another component of what is going on? I have a feeling that this is a multi-faceted problem?
Sending lots of positive energy and prayers your way. cl

TNT,
Good Morning, How are you? cl

Hi clWent to the endocrinologist today. Gosh, he's good looking. (warning, unmet needs here! haha) Anyway, my thyroid isn't real big - but it is over-active now, and he thinks it is definitely related to the stress. He said I'm doing all the right things for myself. He's going to have me fast and come back in for blood work and glucose. Gave me something to help me sleep. Blood pressure was 144 over 77 last week, this week 134 over 68. I've lost 10 lbs since Christmas, 4 since last Friday.I got my termination notice from work yesterday - last day is February 15. Going to CA on the 16th, and see the IC on 15th and family doctor on 15th. H's lovebusting has gone down some, but still too much for me. Been crawling into bed just before he gets home from work so I can avoid listening to him, and pretend I'm asleep when he gets in so I can avoid him. Our friend at the lake also directs choir and asked my husband to go last night. He originally said yes, but then must have got side tracked after his meeting last night and didn't go.9 year old has thrown 3 fits since Christmas, because dad has made promise to take him with him and pick him up and then husband doesn't. That is unlike husband, usually our son and my husband are inseperable.I'm hangin' in there. Thanks for asking about me, cl. TNT

Dear TNT,
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough trial. I will be praying for you and your husband, that God will do a mighty work in your husband's life and your marriage. Keep your chin up sister, God is right there with you, and He will carry you through. Blessings to you,AW

hi sheryl,
Hmmm, interesting take on the quote. Wish i had more time to respond. Guess it would start something like....excepting blah blah blah?
aloha, cl

Hi TnT,
I tried to post sooner but lost my password. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Honey what does your H have to be such a jerk. I am glad you went and saw a doctor. As for the job well hang in there the tunnel is at the end. Just survive one thing at a time.I agree your H has some serious issues. I got so tired of Tony abandoning me as well. He has so many excuses. All I know TnT is your H's actions do not show any ounce of love and respect. Have you found out where the money went? As soon as you are finished with your job better start looking after your assests.

HI TNT,
Sorry for the previous post-i have not been real with the program lately and replied to the wrong thread.
Geez, if things get any harder here I am going to run away too!
Funny thing is when I said that out loud today, everyone quit dumping on me?! Weird.....do people always push til you are about to break? I had to tie a knot this morning just to hang on a bit longer. And I will keep tying. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
How are things for you?

Well, I am back.Slept 8 hours every night while in CA. wow! Morning I had to come back I got diarrhea again. Then on Fri, before going to work I got diarrhea too. fun, huh?Anyway, it was wonderful to get away. I am going to do it more often. I didn't go there to make any decisions, just R & R. I am not ready for any decisions. I just want to get healthy and gain control over my emotions. While I was gone, my daughter filed for a divorce and sorta moved back in. Didn't make H happy - he's still lovebusting. He was nice last night - took me to dinner and to a movie - saw Black Hawk - (I think that is the name.) It was about the war in Somalia - and our Delta force. We missed the first 5 minutes of the show, but it was nice to go.Also got a call from my sister real early this morning, I am a great-aunt again. My neice had a little girl (her sonogram looked like it was a boy - so that was a surprise.) She's healthy, and that is wonderful.I am hanging in there.TNT

HI TNT,
welcome home. I missed you!!!
I am so glad to hear you let your mind rest and your body relax. Seems that you needed the peace...of mind?
And congrats on the new baby! It is always such a joy to have new children in the family. I am often amazed at the feelings and richness we can experience if we let ourselves feel the joy.
Hugs, cl