Can Impotence be real? - Marriage Builders® Forums

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My H had trouble with ED for a long time in past few years. Testosterone test showed he was very low!
His doctor started giving him shots once a week for 6 week intervals. Counselor told me no way would a man with this problem go near another woman. But mine did! He contacted an old HS sweetheart then after few months of emails, they flew to meet. According to him, and he'd taken the 6 weeks series of shots ending just one day before going to her, he had problems still. And she had problems as she is older and menopausal with no hormone replacements.
He did say he had all the feelings of sexual excitment, and shots had nothing to do with that.
He also said they were unable to have intercourse.
Now, are there any men who are willing to discuss this with me? Or tell us if a man would try with another woman if he seriously had an ED problem?
Doctor seems to have documented his problem and says it is the cause from low hormones.
I really want to believe he didn't have it any better than at home. He says not, he says I'm still the one, and we do have a good SF life. But still having the ED problem. Though I am not giving him shots at home and ongoing. Test still show they're fairly low and we keep increasing the meds.
Please answer if you have experienced this.
It has truly effected my self esteem to know he'd want another, go to her, and now I feel maybe it worked with her. Though he denies it.
Thank you all, LouLou

Yes. Same with my H. Exactly. Started an A while having severe ED problems -- more severe with OW than he had with me.

Don't know what he's doing now, however.

Thank you A.M. Martin. Makes you wonder why they would even try? Or maybe to test if it's us or them?
Our counselor told me no man would risk going near another woman with this condition. Boy was he wrong!
Mine said still had problems but you do wonder if they're telling us the truth.
I do think the initial feelings or libido was up but the ED didn't disappear.
Kind of makes you happy it wouldn't work, Huh? LOL
At any rate, we're still together and now he's got meds to help or shots I should say. His was proven to be his physical problem by test.
I've heard a few others say H used excuse of problem only to find out it was a lie though.
Then some who did have actual ED problems and still had to go test the waters.
Any wonder why us BW's aren't having A's! but it's not in my moral makeup!
The guy goes out, tells OW wife won't have sex with him, when it's the wife doing without due to his problem!
Any men out there that would approach this subject for us? LouLou

Insofar as I have any idea that he was telling me the truth during a period of lies, this seemed to be true. Just like you said: he said there was arousal, even ejaculation, but no erection.

He claimed OW was the aggressor. I suppose he was largely flattered. I still think of him to highly to think she was his "type." Maybe delusional on my part.

Who knows. But the counselor who said that no man would start an affair with this condition was definitely off the wall.

I have heard several theories on this issue.
*ED exists if there was an injury or operation that may have damaged nrves or blood flow.
*ED due to hormone imbalance.
*ED due to excessive smoking, smoking screws blood flow.
*ED due to medications.
*ED due to excessive alcohol consumption.
*ED due to bad sleep patterns.

All of the above, to my understanding, can be tested for and treated.

BUT, if not the above, then...
*ED is purely psychological
--stress
--guilt
--performance anxiety
--many hang ups
--childhood sex abuse
etc.

My H felt he had to use Viagra after his divorce from his wandering wife. Whether or not he used V while married to her, he will not say. He had major performance anxiety as far as sex was concerned w/ her. He has used the word "performance" when describing their sexual relationship. He felt pressured by her, she held him responcible for her every big O.

As far as H has admitted, the V was perscribed after D. We won't go any further w/ this as I suspect H used V to perform w/ multiple PAs when we were together. He often time performed just fine w/o V w/ me.

Relationship prior to my marriage to H, used V and penile injections. He had had back surgery, but tested out any permanent damage to nerve bundels and blood flow to penis. His was largely due to excessive smoking, excessive alcohol, and guilt. He wandered and wandered and wandered. It was because of this guy that I did a bit of research into the subject.

I did learn, that if a man has massive guilt, massive stress, massive hangups etc, not even V will help if they are not mentally capable of sex. The penile injection results can be very uncomfortable to the point of pain if a man has massive guilt, masive stress, massive hangups, eetc and they are not mentally capable of sex. A man who feels that the last injection wasn't enopugh and attempts to over dose will find himself in a very painful situation that lasts for hours. Regardless of how he tries to relieve the "pressure". Ejaculation is nearly impossible if a man over doses w/ the injections.

Mind you, this was several years ago, maybe 5. Modern medicine and the thoughts behind it change dramatically in a short time. All this could be different now.

AND I am not a professional in this area.

xo
2nd

2ndfiddle, Thanks for all the info. Mine has never used the injections to penile. The only injections he uses are testosterone prescribed by Doctor and it is making a difference.
And yes, he is a smoker and doc told him at least 10 yrs ago to quit! I'm still working on that aspect because after yrs, the damage can be permanent too.
V won't work as well if the levels or T are low.
Shots have an effect on the overall libido so they do work better.
According to my H, he had the Ed problem too but said it would have worked if she'd been in better condition. She was atrophied from not taking hormones and into menopause 10 yrs prior.
I guess he could get it up, but not last so they used hands and it worked for completing the act that way. He denies oral, but who knows for sure! She certainly made it clear in her emails she needed him in her mouth. Sheesh, wht a slut!
I just wish we could get feedback from men with the problem to see how the A worked for them! But I suppose it's a touchy subject for them and embarrassing which it should not be. Many men in 20's and 30's are experiencing the ED problems too.
Thanks again. LouLou

I agree Lou Lou, Feedback from men would be very helpful.

I have had bouts of ED most of my life. Now I have some physical problems as well because of nicotine and diabetes.

When I was married to my first wife I was still very sexually active (37) but after the divorce I was dead. I couldn't have sex with any number of partners for about 9 mos after the divorce. Little by little I had some success but all the failures were in my mind and my confidence was shaken. I was so ED I didn't even wake up in the morning with and erection.

When I met my current wife, she turned me on so much I felt like I was 18 again, we did it multiple times everyday, (till my daughter was born) then sex began to wain.

After my bypass surgery I was diagnosed with diabetes. I could barely do anything and lost any libido that I had. Listening to others making sex jokes caused me a lot of pain. I knew I had low testosterone levels but my cardiologist said hormone replacement would be bad. Relations with my wife stopped, I wouldn't sleep in the same room with her because I was too embarrased.

Last November I got in a hormone replacement study for a new gel. This worked wonders. I lost weight, I gain muscle mass, my skin got better, endurance for sports was unbelievable and all my joint pains from arthritus left me. But still not much libido.

My bad relationship with my wife had psychologically casterated me so to speak. I went to be tested and found I had "leakage" damage from diabetes. Viagra worked at first when my wife would get into sex. But that was very rare. As the relationship got colder, my ED got worse.

My that she is gone, the viagra hasn't worked much. I take it just to see if I can get a reaction. Early in the separation when I though there was a chance with my W for reconciliation just hugging her gave me a reaction, but now she is with the OM and the thought of me having sex with another woman, because of fear of failure has completely killed my libido.

You see it is very complex, the balance between physical and psychological problems that plague a man once his confidence in sex has been shaken. This isn't true with all men however.

I am not physically dead. I have been taking a 1/4 pill of viagra before I go to sleep and frequently wake up with an erection. So my dreams must be good although I don't remember any.

I see my WS as the last hope of sexual fulfilment and she is gone and only wants sex with the OM. I hope another can bring me back if I Lose my W forever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear Monty! I am so grateful for your post. And I've heard of the Gel but it's only is study now isn't it? We're looking forward to trying it when it's out. I also heard there is a new pill better than Viagra that is due out soon? Revitro or something like that.
I have read all about diabetes as our son was diagnosed at age 21 with type 1. Terrible disease and breaks my heart for him and the millions who suffer with it. Of course, I am concerned about his future with a wife and how his sex life will be. He's still a virgin which is nothing to be ashamed of in todays world!
I am 100% behind stem cell research as well. Everyday so many umbilical cords are just thrown out when the stem cells are right there ready to harvest from the. Too many people aren't aware of this and think it's only from aborted or cloned fetuses!
There is no reason to use any method with all the umbilical cords each day that are simply tossed!
There is real promise for cures for many diseases including Diabetes!
I suppose my own thoughts on the subject of Ed is that he has it with me and probably didn't with somebody new. But he denies that totally, if only I could believe it!
Even with test showing the problem, somehow my mind go wrapped around the idea that with another woman things would work just fine!
And getting rid of that thought has been almost impossible. Viagra isn't working as well but then the pills he has are old. We're waiting on the new RX to be approved by our insurance co. And hopefully, the new drug will be out soon that is much better!
Amazingly, when one does the research on the subject, it is effecting millions of even very young men! So what is going on? Environment? Habits? Even very healthy young men in 20's so this has to be studied more in depth to find the problem causing it.
My H started having problems in mid 50's actually. And it's progressed! But doctor did tell him years ago to stop smoking or the damage would become irreversible. We don't drink or do drugs, and no meds that should effectively cause the ED such as BP meds, etc.
Ok, long reply here. But I just wanted to offer the research I've heard about as well.
Thank you again for your honesty and openess. This cannot be easy for anyone to talk about. But it's rampant so it's time we openly talked about it! Society is getting a little more open and with TV ads, news updates, etc. hopefully, there will be more understanding and compassion!
And hopefully, better insurance coverage!
Ours still charges us 50% copay on ED drugs.
WE buy the testosterone through Women's internation pharmacy located in AZ and Wis. They compound all types of hormones and other meds. The cost difference is tremdous since we found out the vials of T cost like $145 here. Through this pharmacy though, we pay $33. and few cents.
So keep this down if you want to check out anything. Toll free number is 1-800- 279-5708 for women and men! I get all my hormones through them as they're compounded for me and much safer than the regular hormonal treatment prescribed for all women in menopausal period!
They will mail anyone a free packett just for the asking! Great company and nice people to speak with.
P.S. they do not have Viagra though. I've asked!
LouLou

Bumping up in an attempt to get men to respond to this thread.

HEY GUYS! POST SOMETHING PLEASE!!
be brave, we won't tell you secrets, really, you are amongst friends!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
xo
2nd

hey Lou,
maybe you could try changing the title of this thread to see if you get responces from men.

Sure it can be an embarasing subject for men, but......... Come on guys, knowledge is the key.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by NewBranch:
Toll free number is 1-800- 279-5708 for women and men! I get all my hormones through them as they're compounded for me and much safer than the regular hormonal treatment prescribed for all women in menopausal period!
They will mail anyone a free packett just for the asking! Great company and nice people to speak with.
P.S. they do not have Viagra though. I've asked!
LouLou<hr /></blockquote>Thanks for including this in your reply. A few things I omitted from my last post:

There is a gel out now called AndroGel It is a 1% compound. The one I am testing with is 2% so it's double the stregnth and I had to cut back on it because it is too potent (measured by blood test) My brother in law uses the Androgel. It cured his depression. There are many problems caused by low testosterone levels.

More about ED from my experience. A nice stable relationship can overcome some ED but not in every case. Sometimes there is too much physical damage to overcome. If a man can do it but is depressed, even Viagra won't help. So best to keep him emotionally happy.

I have been going to a Dr. Wayne Hellstrom. You can search his name on the internet. He is nationally famous in his field. He claims ALL ED can be cured in a number of different ways including a prosthetic (inflatable). I talked to a guy who has it and he loves it. He's never had so much self confidence! I must be great to know that you can NEVER fail. But that is a last resort. Chances are a happy man even if he needs some meds will keep you AND himself happy.

Good Luck and God Bless

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by NewBranch:
P.S. they do not have Viagra though. I've asked!
LouLou<hr /></blockquote>Forgot to address this one:

Look for "generic Viagra" on the internet. A number of site offer it (mostly Europe) and they mail order it. It's the same thing as Viagra and can cost 1/4 to 1/10 what brand name Viagra costs.

You have to know how to take it. I take a 100 mg, cut it in two, Take 1/2 and then an hour later take the other. Also take on an EMPTY stomach. Chase it down with grapefruit juice or Welches Grape Juice. Both disable an enzyme the liver produces. That enzyme removes Viagra and it's effects too soon. Sometimes when I do the juices the Viagra is still working the next morning and sometimes the whole next day.

Yeah!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Monty:
 If a man can do it but is depressed, even Viagra won't help. So best to keep him emotionally happy..........

..........Chances are a happy man even if he needs some meds will keep you AND himself happy.

Good Luck and God Bless<hr /></blockquote>Monty,
Thank you for including these two sentences. Both point out that there is emotional stability needed to overcome ED.

I guess this site doesn't have a PM board? Monty, how about sending me the site or info where you order the generic viagra from?
If you don't want to put the info in the thread here, email me at Winningdove@aol.com. Please. thank you.
My H has the androgel, I guess it's the 1% but didn't do much good. Perhaps the 2% when avialable might work? Some of the treatments he'd probably die first. LOL Like penile injections, etc. the inflatable pump he hasn't even considered.
Well, maybe he just needs a new woman? Um, that didn't seem to work either but I think maybe he was testing it to see.
Monty, you sound like you're not in such bad shape after all! He took viagra and never lasted until next morning!%0 MG too. So you're blood supply must be alot stronger. He is a heavy smoker for many, many years so perhaps the nerve damage is already done!
I copied your info from post on how to take the one you mentioned with juices, etc.
Tell me, did you ever experience the blue vision I think it's called? or headaches from it? I've heard if taken too strong it will cause terrible headaches and a visual problem that passes shortly.
P.S. How do I change the thread intro? Can you tell me 2ndfiddle? Or do I have to start a whole new one? LouLou

I saw your request so I am here. Certainly ED is real. I am 56 and for the past two years I have utilized an over the counter pill called Uroprin that has been really fantastic for me. My girlfriend is very happy also. It is funny but my male friends constantly joke in front of other people that I am pretty sad person because I need a pill to make love to my beautiful model girlfriend. I suspect that they are jealous and probably have problems of their own. I freely talk about it. I believe in using technology to make things better.
In the past I was embarrased to initiate for fear of failure. It is ironic that the male friends who joke about it in front of mixed company later everyone of them have asked me the name of the pill I take. I feel sorry for men who do not take advantage of modern technology. It is a shame that they let their pride stop them from enjoying a happy sex life. There are just my thoughts.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by NewBranch:


My H has the androgel, I guess it's the 1% but didn't do much good. Perhaps the 2% when avialable might work? <hr /></blockquote>I still don't have any libido, even with high testosterone levels. But yet during the separation, I dated my wife (no sex)and when I held my W close I started to get erections without any physical stimulation. I can only conclude that in my case the lack of libido is a psychology in nature and probably due to my depression over my W's A. I have had many anxiety attacks, including in my sleep when visions of my W performing a sex act on the OM pop into my head. I try not to think about it but it just happens. This does emotional damage too.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />

Tell me, did you ever experience the blue vision I think it's called? or headaches from it? I've heard if taken too strong it will cause terrible headaches and a visual problem that passes shortly.
LouLou<hr /></blockquote>Yes, the first few times I took it I had severe vision problem. Very blue, had palpitations and my head felt like it was pounding. I don't get that any more with anyone. The only symptom I get now is a severe sinus stuffyness. Seem to close nasal passages for a few hours. I combat this with an over the counter nose spray. No other problems though.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Monty:

Yes, the first few times I took it I had severe vision problem. Very blue, had palpitations and my head felt like it was pounding. I don't get that any more with anyone. <hr /></blockquote>That should have read. I don't get like that any more with any dosage. (25, 50 or 100 mg)

I was really sleepy when I wrote that. Also wanted to add that lights also were glaring and very bright when I used to take Viagra. This only happens slightly now. My father and cousin won't take it because they can't even drive for a while because of the vision problems. Everyone is different.

i have a few questions about the viagra. my hubby, god bless him, even though he didnt have any problems thought this would make it better and got a prescription from our doc to try. he had no problems. i hated the idea, but i let him try it.(like i coulda stopped him. lol) but i did tell him it scared me and didnt want to use it anymore. personally, for me it didnt make any difference in the sex for me, like i said he had no probs to begin with.

then i found out that during his affair he used it with ow. he said it made the orgasms unbelievable. (like i needed to hear that.) now i am wondering if it is true or if he had some problems with her? any thoughts on this from guys who have used it i would really appreciate.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by NewBranch:

P.S. How do I change the thread intro? Can you tell me 2ndfiddle? Or do I have to start a whole new one? LouLou<hr /></blockquote>Lady Lou would have to do that by editing her first post.

Nikko,
My H has no physical or chemical reasons for having used Viagra. His was all psychologial. He used it w/ his PA also. I am very offended w/ this. He rarely used Viagra when he was w/ me. But, when he did, he used it to prolong his erections. Evidentaly, he was under the impression that quantity was better than quality because his X-W would not look for qulaity, just quantity.

About the blue vision. I did research a while bad in relationship to a past relationship. X-fiance used Viagra for psychological reasons as well. He ruined his eye sight w/ V. He ended up w/ cateracs (please excuse the spelling). This is actually a common side effect of over usage of viagra. There are other long term eye problems that Viagra is responcible for.

My advice, unless there is a phsical or chemical reason to use Viagra, it should be discouraged and therapy/counseling should be encouraged.

Bryanp, thanks for the info. Now do you live in U.S.A or another country where you get Uroprin as I've not heard of that one?
And you are so right about the men who joke and kid you. They're not about to say they have a similar problem also! When will it change as we can talk about everything else in the world regarding intimacy but men don't want to admit they need help.
I sincerely appreciate you men who have come here to discuss this.
I've read up on Andropause which effects men like menopause does women or similar. But that isn't accounting for the young men in 20s and 30s who seem to have no real health problems or taking meds to cause the problem!
And yes, stress levels, anxiety and many conditions effect the libido and performance levels.
What I'm learning, especially from you Monty and Bryanp is there are many more meds avialable than I'd thought or heard of!
This is wonderful to share this info with others.
I've tried sharing my meds info with many women. I do not take the regular prescribed hormones most doctors prescribe and haven't for years. I use a compound from the pharmacy even before I was post and its' great! None of the side effects of the usual ones, safer and more protection for bones, heart, mind!
I can say my H has stated he has no complaints and it isn't me effecting him.
And yet, we hear of men in 70's and 80's still going or so they say without help!
Anyhow, thank you all for your input. It's helpful to know how others are coping and meds they've found helpful.
NIKKO! No, if your H has no ED problems he should not be using viagra! And yes, I've heard even very young men are using it when they do not need it. I think his doctor should have informed him that it isn't a social drug! It's for those who need it because they do have a health problem. I sort of doubt the orgasm story of being so much better, but then I'm not a man and I never have taken it even though women do.
Fortunatetly, All I need is a capable and willing H.
You really consult the doctor on this one!
LouLou

I posted this in reply to 2ndfiddle over under CALLING ALL MEN, but decided it should be here as well for the men to read how some of us wives feel about it. To reassure of the love being there regardless!

"Same with me 2ndfiddle. I believe it takes a very real man to be open and discuss this issue with us.
Intelligent and caring men at that!
It is more prevalent than talked about so it's time it was open to share all the coping issues and meds, etc.
I still love my H regardless, makes him no less important to me. NO different than if he had another illness in health. I would still stand by him and love him the same.
I do miss the intimacy we once had, though we do still have a fun sex life and fulfilling.
But as we all know who deal with this problem, it's the emotional closeness we once had and want to have again.
Yet, no matter what, it's him I want. No Other man can fulfill the real need because it's not just sex, it's the love and closeness we share.
Fighting the feeling of being the one who is the problem is real for me and I'm sure many women.
Though all the test, doctors and counselors try to reassure us it's not us.
It's a real emotional issue as a wife to feel you can no longer turn your H on. Wondering if OW can. Hating the thought as well.
That is one reason I appreciate these men, Monty, Bryanp, that have come to discuss this with us as well as the other ladies who have written.
There is no way I would seek that outside my marriage. I'm his, always will be and we're together through all the thick and thin.
I hope this may reassure some men they are still loved by their wives no matter.
Intercourse to me, has a far more profound meaning that sexual only. It's a bonding of us, a closeness and emotional good feeling of being wanted and desired, and being capable of pleasing my H".
LouLou

LouLou,
I will reply up in Callin all Men.
xo
2nd

Like practically all men, I too have had sporadic bouts with ED but my wife and I have come with our solution and it is to take not make intercourse the 'be all end all' of our lovemaking. We find that having oral sex not only makes sex more enjoyable for her but it greatly assists us later when we try to have intercourse. In fact without the lubrication caused by her orgasms from oral sex, intercourse definitely is not an enjoyable experience for the two of us because of the pain for her which makes my erection disappear (what loving husband wants to physically hurt hiw wife?). What we like about intercourse is not the physical pleasure our genitals derive from it (which really pales in comparison with oral sex) but the emotional pleasure of physical union of our bodies which becomes symbolic of our marriage and love for one another.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by nikko:
[QB]
then i found out that during his affair he used it with ow. he said it made the orgasms unbelievable. (like i needed to hear that.) now i am wondering if it is true or if he had some problems with her? QB]<hr /></blockquote>I'm no urologist but I have read about Viagra and this is what it does:

It prevents PDE5 (phosphodiesterase) inhibitor from acting to stop the erection. It is the body's control over having non-stop erections. Viagra (Sildenafil) also relaxes the arteries that supply blood to the penis allowing it to fill more freely. I believe the PDE5 allows blood to flow out of the penis and end the erection. It has no aphrodisiac effect and will not enhance the physical pleasure except to allow it in men that have problems with blood flow.

So if your husband is getting any benefit from it, it would probably be psycholoical. BUT I don't know if I would tell him. It could be a big let down if he is struggling with the mental part of sex and believes this helps him. After all the greatest sex organ is the brain. If he still wants to use it, search the internet for Generic Viagra. It goes for about $2 a pill instead of Viagra's $7 to $10 per pill. There are a number of supplies and they are mail order.

There is something new being tested on humans now call PT-141 from Palatin Technologies. This drug enhances blood flow and nerve responses. It seems likely that it will also enhance sexual feeling. It is taken as a nasal spray. I look forward to it. My WW is living with a man 10 years younger than I and no doubt more able to perform than I. I am a diabetic. This adds hurt to my already hurt ego. Frankly, I have fear about attempting sex with a future partner because of fear of failure.

So my libido needs a boost as well as my circulation.

LouLou - this topic keeps coming up (no pun intended). So here's a copy of a post from back in April. I don't know if it will help you any, but perhaps you'll find something in it that will help. This was a post directed at another poster, but a lot of it may be relevant to your current discussion.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />...let me recommend that you get a book called "Intended for Pleasure" by Dr. Ed and Gaye Wheat. Read it and then, if he is willing, have your husband read it. It will address many issues, including impotence and what can be done about it.

Second, you stated that there is no physiological problem. That may be true, it may not. The physiological response is certainly tied to the emotional response, so the psychological component is a problem that must also be addressed. It is very common, when a man is feeling "low" on the self-esteem mattter, that he can "perform" quite normally with some other woman, but the intimacy component related to his wife may cause him to be unable to perform with the one he loves. So that issue of self-esteem is one that needs to be addressed.

As for the physiological component, there are many things that can cause a problem. Overweight, smoking, tiredness, etc. are just a few. The testosterone level drops markedly in men as they age and testosterone is the primary component of "desire". That's why women, who normally have a very low testosterone level don't usually have the same "all the time desire" that men usually do. Have his testosterone level checked. If it is low, that is a major culprit. If so, a testosterone supplement will have a major impact on his desire level. It works the same way for women who go on a testosterone regimen.

If there is a past abusive episode, that requires psychological counseling to help him to deal with it and overcome the hold it may have on him.

Viagra...maybe he's just one of those guys who doesn't like medicine of any kind. Maybe he thinks that it might work and he's afraid that that he'll have to confront the issues of self-esteem or childhood sexual abuse if he takes the pill and actually gets a response. Maybe he fears the "performance ideal" that pervades society. A man who can't perform extraordinary feats and have enormous staying power just isn't a "man" and he'll get another self-esteem hit. Fear. Fear, and guilt, of so many issues, that may be the real underlying issue(s).

If he is a Christian there are also biblical references to his role as a husband that are not there just for grins. They are not mere suggestions. They are requirements given to us by God for many reasons, not the least of which is to prevent sin by satisfying our needs and our spouse's needs through the Act of Marriage.

This is an intensely personal area for most men. So you will likely face reluctance on his part to seek some help. Be firm in your agreement that together you will both do "whatever it takes" to have a good, solid, loving marriage. Seeking medical and psychological assessment and help is part of that commitment. We, all of us in recovery, have to first work on healing ourselves before we can help our spouses. His problem is your problem, it is a marriage problem. It is not just his problem. So tackle it together as just one more thing along the way to a better, more fulfilling marriage.

God bless. <hr /></blockquote>

Foreverhers. Thank you for the book suggestion and title along with other important info.
If you may have not read the beginning of the post, My H has been tested and I give him Testosterone shots at home myself! He better be nice to me? LOL
I do believe that some of it prior to his A was stress and self esteem. And even afterward due to his guilt. Things are much improved with the shots which are every ten days now. And upped in dosage by doc due to test.
The article today was speaking of millions of men suffering this problem including very young men!
We've done much research as well and he contends still that is is not a desire problem but the T being low.
We just read online today about Livitrex? I think that's the spelling that is availabe by mail order from UK, and works much faster and better than viagra. He has viagra, and has taken it! However, the large supply we have on hand is expired so he's waiting on approval of the new RX by group. It is expensive to buy here and insurance will only pay half of price.
Anybody know if it still is ok to take after expiration date? We've got like 45 pills. What a waste to throw out! They did work at first, then seemed to not have much effect later on during problems here with us. Stress, fighting, etc.
His problem though has been noted by doc for coming on over last 10 yrs. He's 63, be 64 in Sept. He has been a heavy smoker for most of his life, or since a teen! There is the real culprit!
We are really looking forward to trying the new med which should be out by Sept in USA I think.
If not, we're going to order it online from Europe!
I will look for the book by Ed wheat, He's a great author!
The Testosterone is much more important than just sexual. It is really important for overall health in men, muscle tones, heart, brain, kidneys, etc. Just needed to feel good all over!
Thanks to all who have come here to share. Hopefully, we can all learn from each other.
The bottom line is we're not ever giving up!
He was always very virile, great lover so I am aware of how this effects him psychologically as well. But I do all in my power to reassure him he's still the only one for me and great still in satisfying me! It's him I want to enjoy as much as he used to. We do have a great SF life even so. But I want him to be able to enjoy it all again as he once did. Well, we're not teeny boppers anymore either. LOL
But we do ok!
Btw, does this make anyone think or wonder why the wives are not out having A's and the men do with this problem?
We who love them are tolerant, reassuring, and patient. Yet they go to be with another woman which has to make us feel we are at fault. It certainly did a number on my self esteem as well.
I used to be very confident in my skills. So I had to wonder why!
But I'm not ever going to lower myself that way. I'll stick it out for life! And hope one day I feel there is nothing in me causing his problem.
Doctors, counselors, told me wife always blames herself for H with ED.
So men, wives need a lot of reassuring as well.
Blessings. LouLou

Don't know if this will help but here.s my two cents...

I started having problems with ED just over two years ago (same time I began my A). I was only 28 and it was pretty embarassing. I was pretty desperate and even went as far as trying "Horny goat weed". LOL

I finally went to the doc about it and he had me tested. My T levels were high and everything else was normal. He gave me Viagra and I have been using it ever since. For me, it's worked fine. It's really helped to boost my self-confidence.

I have had side effects though. At first, I was splitting the 100 mg pills in half and taking one piece at a time but I was getting massive headaches. Sometimes, they were so bad, I just had to keep my eyes closed because any light would make it worse. I lowered the dose by breaking the pills into 3 pieces and that's worked out much better. I still get the headaches but they are mild and if I take a couple of advil with the V, there's no pain. I also sometimes experience stuffy sinus. Feels like I've got a cold but I don't. Other than that, I'm pretty satisfied with the results and if those are the only side effects for me, it's worth it.

Thankfully, I have a great health plan and I don't pay a cent for the things. I would be very cautious about mail order meds online. You never know what you're buying.

I don't know if my problem is in my head or my body but it is real. Never had a problem with libido, just the blood flow.

Take care

I would like to advice all the wives and husbands to avoid using any over the counter 'remedies'. The worse ones are the products that contain the herb Yohimbe for the side effects include elevated blood pressure and anxiety attacks. As far as I'm concerned the sales of products containing Yohimbe should be banned outright. It's not worth to risk your life or that of your H's by consuming dangerous products.

Two of the things a man can do to help him with his ED is to stop smoking and to lose weight thru a combination of moderate exercise and a healthy diet.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Btw, does this make anyone think or wonder why the wives are not out having A's and the men do with this problem?
We who love them are tolerant, reassuring, and patient. Yet they go to be with another woman which has to make us feel we are at fault. It certainly did a number on my self esteem as well.
I used to be very confident in my skills. So I had to wonder why! <hr /></blockquote>LouLou - There ARE legitmate physical reasons for impotence. That's why getting a medical checkup is important to either confirm or rule out a physical basis for the impotence.

Next, your question, while I am sure it is sincere, rubs me the "wrong way". Since I was celibate for the 6 years that my wife had her affair, her choice not mine, the issue is more one of responses to all sorts of marital problems, not just his inability to "perform". But if you want "one" answer to your questions, it has a lot to do with the differences between men and women's sex drives. In most, but not all, cases women have a much lower sex drive and do not place as high an emphasis on the sex act as a means to "show or prove" their love. Women tend to more into the emotional "touchy feely" parts of love and not the act itself. Men tend to be the reverse.

Next, most causes for impotence are psychological. It often begins with the initial "failure" and can become self-perpetuating. The "fear" is focused on performance (since our society has ingrained in men the need to be "studs with rods of steel and everlasting endurance or the 'slower to warm up' women will not be satisfied). So the mental thought process during lovemaking focus' on performance. That blocks the simple "enjoy the pleasurable sensations" and that interruption results in a lost erection or inability to achieve and erection.

Often, the "strange" that is sought out has no mental baggage or experience. It is exciting and illicit and carries a high level of stimulation. In short, he isn't thinking, he's reacting. Reacting is what is needed.

Within a marriage, the problem is not a "his" problem, it's a marriage problem. It will take both of you working to resolve the problem, over time, along with much loving patience. The woman who demands performance, or keeps telling her husband "you're doing just fine" may be hindering progress rather than helping. In the first case, it strikes at him psychologically, confirming in his mind that she "deserves" a man of "steely compentence" and that his flacid attempts fall far short of the manly image. In the second case, it says "you're not up to snuff but I'll be satisfied with the crumbs". Again, he will be looking to your non-verbal responses much more than what you say to validate whether or not his performing abilities are good or not.

Suffice it to say, this is not easily overcome. We ARE who we think we are. Wanna guess what hits the top 5 EN's for most men? They all tend to deal with our minds and how we perceive our studly selves.

Lack of confidence in your skills can also bleed over into "trying too hard". It's best, IMHO, when dealing with overcoming impotence, to keep it simple and just focus on enjoying the sensations and not on performance. Try a little, "just lie back and let me do all the work" sort of approach. Let him just feel the sensations without having to "do" anything. As things progress and responses happen naturally, well....you can take it from there.

Foreverhers, I think you misunderstood me or I didn't put it clearly. I did't mean an A over the ED problem. I meant when they have it yet go out to an A hurting you worse than it already is!
You are dealing with the problem as the wife and one who loves them, doing without many times, then they go elsewhere making you think it's your problem, not theirs!
This is where I meant wonder why the wife didn't have an A! I would not because it's not in me. If I even thought I wanted to or was going to, I'd file divorce first and he knows it!
Not in me to slut around even if he never had sex with me again!
I'm talking about the feeling the impotence was an excuse to not enjoy sex with wife, then make it look like they surely do not have a problem with anyone else.
I dealt with his problem very considerately for long time, then the A just blew me away especially after what marriage counselor said. I truly felt he had no problem except in not wanting me anymore!
YOu just don't tell your wife it's a problem and you're sorry, then fly over 2,000 miles round trip twice to jump in bed with another woman proving you do have a strong libido to even consider doing that! Supposedly it failed in so far as intercourse. But according to him, he could have completed the act if she'd been in condition. So does this make it more clear why I said makes you wonder? BTW. HE did make sure he had a six week series of testosterone shots, taking last one just the night before he flew out under pretense of going to see old HS buddies and they just gave him more energy and made him feel better! I am not so stupid! That is one reason I did the search until I found the love emails.
Do you know how I felt seeing her say how much she needed him in her life, her mouth and her ?????. That is exactly how she wrote it, not putting the letters either. Since she wasn't sure she could either!
IN fact, a marriage counselor told us way before the A, that no man would go near another woman with an ED problem if it was real!
I felt like I had been deceived for years regarding our sex life!
LouLou

P.S. Foreverhers, if it rubbed you the wrong way, let me say I was insulted you'd think I meant purely due to ED!
But I forgive because I think we are misunderstood in the written word and it doesn't convey clearly the actual thinking.
When a wife has worked with the ED problem herself for her H, made all the attemtps she can to satisfy him, put his needs first, then he has an A, she feels he's been deceiving her about his problem!
I think I said early on in another post, I would never cheat on my H because of ED. That I love him too much and want only to be with him. I consider it just like an illness if he had cancer, heart problems or any other disease.
For better or worse!
But to cry impotence and then go to another womans bed? Is the worst feeling a woman can have I think. YOu have no idea of the hell of depression and suicidal thoughts I had.
So where is the consideration for the loving wife? Where is her self esteem afterwards?
To me, he may as well have said you aren't desirable anymore, You aren't sexy enough and do not please me and you are the problem and reason I have ED!
As for sexual appetite. I never lost mine, and it's always been way over the top! Even when I went through menopause, I never stopped desiring my H. In fact, my lidido may have even soared more!
I was rejected by my H for many years, occasional release by him, wanting him desperately to make love to me anyway he could. After much rejection after coming onto him, he desires this OW from his old HS days? Hadn't seen in 43 yrs then tells me he always wanted to sleep with her?
I wouldnt' have an A, but perhaps I should have just walked out of his life then, telling him I didnt' desire him anymore. But I was kind, considerate and forgiving.
It was his second A in 29 yrs. I spent 5 yrs in psychiatric care, hospitals, suicide attempts, lost 2 lbs a day until I was bone, then had a heart attack due to anorexia having not ever needed or tried to lose weight. A stent in my artery has kept me alive!Thank you dutiful H!
Less than one year(9 months) after me almost dying, he starts his online A by looking up OW from HS.
He was well aware of what and where I'd been and the great possibility of me dying from shock. My son tried very hard to send me to hospital the night I found emails and called him and his dolly in Fl bed and breakfast. Nitro works though.
When I was coming out of that 5 yrs., finally feeling secure and some happiness again, I find emails, while he is with her for a week, declaring his love for her, can't wait to be free to stand in church with her, hold hands and be together forever.
She was fat, though same age as me, way older looking, and atropied so bad she couldn't have intercourse! though he tried!
Yes, I wonder about myself being so morally high values that I didn't give him a taste of that by cheating on him afterward.
But I have to look me in the mirror each day, and also know my Lord is watching my every move.
I offered him his divorce and let me be free so I could find someone who would love me, appreciate me and respect me because I know who I am. And any man would be dang lucky if he had a wife like me. For sure!
He refused my offer. I even offered to help him get OW and get her to divorce her H! Her reason for A was her H had neglected her for years and not touched her in 10 yrs!
My H was right there to offer her solace and compassion and his body! While I was near death from his actions.
Do you have any idea the price I've paid by loving him? My daughter has taken my grandchildren and declared never to let us see them again because she thinks I should have left him years ago. She has no respect for him. She had to take care of me when I was suicidal also for months! Why? Because he would not give me the love and compassion I needed to heal.
He didn't even see me in hospital!
My children are the only ones who made me feel loved and worth while to live for.
The pain was so bad I begged God to let me die!
I took a bunch of pills, cut my wrist and was lying out cold on bed of blood. they found me, called paramedics and took me away. He didn't ever come to see if I made it or not!
This all before hand, then as I was finally beginning to heal enough to withdraw meds, he had this other A.
Why am I still around. GOD IS WHY! And so much counseling, Alone BTW, that I made up my mind no living human being will ever be worth putting me back where I was. A living hell on earth!
And yet, I stand by him, showing him all the love one could show. Living with his problem and wondering still after his test and all if it's me. If another woman would bring back his virility!
I've even offered him freedom if he feels he can have it all again!
I can't get this man to leave me! So I quit offering.
Perhaps his problem now is his own guilt from his actions to a wife who suffered due to his actions in a way I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!
I have always pampered him. And even in deepest depression I would shower, makeup, hair done professionally each day as I am a professional cosmetologist from years past. Perfumed, clean, loving, cooking, cleaning, putting love notes in his lunch each day. Assuring him I loved him!
If any man needed to feel adored and a king in his home, it was this man!I have kept my figure all these years, I look 25 yrs younger than I am, and even he says most 30 yr olds would kill for my body! And he now compliments my moral values and high respect for God!
When I needed him most, he may as well have put a gun to my head!
If he does this again to me, I can assure you, he'll have a permanent problem forever! Eternity in fact.
Angry? Like all hells broke lose! And I have to hide it most of time. So he can have a lovely, peaceful home life!
Now you see who has been compassionate over H's ED problem?
And OW simply stated for them both, "we're not compatiable"! He said in many ways. Nice huh? I guess his slut didn't want a man with an ED problem so that shows how much she loved him!
Plus she found out he couldn't steal all our assets as she's suggested also. LOL
Well, she wasn't the cure, obviously! The day he came home he begged me to make us a reservation for romantice event in mountains. Turns out he was ready as heck and needed me then!
Sorry, but this tangeant was brought on by the post. LOL
I've dealt far better with his problem than he has! And a lot more lovingly and considerate than he! He better consider himself one blessed man as he says, or he can flounder around in the sewer from this day forward with some inadequate doxy!
Hardest thing in world is to be the loving, considerate bed buddy after this, But I've sure made the effort in big way!
LouLou

<blockquote>quote:<hr />YOu have no idea of the hell of depression and suicidal thoughts I had.
So where is the consideration for the loving wife? Where is her self esteem afterwards?
<hr /></blockquote>LouLou, this is precisely why I, and probably a lot of men, stay out of these discussions. It quickly devolves into a "it's his (or her) problem". In most cases, it's a marital problem that is underlying the problem.

And just to comment briefly on my inability to understand ("have no idea") let me just say that your thoughts are not the exclusive province of women. In my case I waited patiently for 6 years through all the "excuses", considering it a premenopausal related reluctance, etc. while the reality was she was involved in a 6 year PA with other man. Care to compare feelings of inadequacy?

It serves no useful purpose to have such a discussion. It's part and parcel of the lies and hurt connected to adultery.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />And he now compliments my moral values and high respect for God!
When I needed him most, he may as well have put a gun to my head!
If he does this again to me, I can assure you, he'll have a permanent problem forever! Eternity in fact.
Angry? Like all hells broke lose! And I have to hide it most of time. So he can have a lovely, peaceful home life! <hr /></blockquote>This is what concerns me most. You have barely restrained anger that may well "eat you alive". I can't tell from your post if you consider yourself a "born-again" Christian or not and I have no idea from what you've written as to whether or not your husband is a Christian.

However, let me make the assumption that at least you are a Christian. Then perhaps the "answer" to your anger and pain, or at least the beginning of getting past it, is to tell God about it and ask Him for His help. Part of forgiveness is to not dwell on the past sin, his as well as yours (i.e., unrestrained and "unrighteous" anger). It doesn't erase the sin or make it less painful, but what it does is get it out of your mind as a daily "fixation". You replace it with God's promises and His help.

If your husband is not a Christian, then you have the added "burden" of being unevenly yoked. He, in that case, would not have God's "guidelines" to help him and would not be motivated to improve your marriage through humble obedience to God's commands for husbands.

So, I don't underestimate your pain. I have probably felt the male equivalent of it. But I rest in God's promises even when it hurts. I have seen God's faithfulness many times and have no reason to doubt He will continue to be faithful and that through our humble obedience to Him, our marriage will continue to recover and flourish.

God bless. May God bathe you in His comfort and guide you in His wisdom.

Foreverhers. You are right, this is not the topic to unleash here. Sorry if I offended anyone else too.
And to answer your ? about faith, we are both born again Christians. Many years ago!
The first A he had in 1978, he did ask me to move where he worked out of town and we bought a home. We then joined a church together. And we both loved our church, and pastor and congregation. Very spirit filled church.
My H vowed to never sin again in that way, went down on knees in church to ask Gods' forgiveness and he received both God's and mine I believe. I know he had mine, but only God knows the true heart and sincerity of a persons confessions and repentance. That's between him and God.
23 yrs later, he did the same again. And I suspect other ONS with no proof but knowing his thinking.
This topic is supposed to be a safe place for men to open up so I do not wish to berate the failure I made in discussing my feelings off the topic.
My apologies to all here. Please continue with the topic and feel safe to do so.
Thanks, LouLou

P.S. I have absolute faith in God. It's man who has a free will that worries me. LOL
God doesn't impose his will on anyone.
Only man can make the choice to follow his will in being faithful to the end.
What worries me is when people keep repenting and going right back to same behavior. Though God forgives many times over, it's a matter of his knowing the heart of the person asking forgiveness.
The soul being lost is a lot more to worry about than even the marriage problem!
LouLou