plz help..ow flipped out...dont know what to think..(or even do)

i have been absent due to the fact that i am divorcing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> i have been thru one session of mediation to set up visitation w/my daughter and stepdaughter. the divorce is not final, but at our mediation we set up a temporary visitation plan. my stbx has not seen my kids very much. his daughter would even refuse to talk to him. our youngest loves to see him. the court ordered him to spend at least 3 hours alone w/his kids. see, his ow, my ex best friend, always wants to be w/him w/his visits.

today my stbx called me, he was calling from his work. he cannot use his cell to call me cuz ow checks it to see if he has called me. he says he is not even allowed to call his kids w/o her being around. ow has ordered him to call her ANYTIME i call him, she wants to know that i have called and why. he says he does not love her, he says she is hindering his visits w/his kids. stbx says he has no where to go and she knows it. ow threatens him, if he doesnt take her along to see our kids she will call his mom and then kick him out. he said ow is very controlling and he CANNOT take it. the guy i am dating has a truck, he said he is willing to help him move, not only to use the truck but to physically help. he said he will do it for my daughters so they will have a place to see their father w/o interference!

anyway, i guess stbxs mom and ow have become good friends. the reason the stbx mil wont talk to me anymore cuz the ow calls her constantly and tells the mil stuff about me. i will call and my stbx and i will fight about this or that (usually money) and the ow turns around and bashes me to the stbx mil.

my stbx called again, i guess he said that ow fights and fights non stop w/him. he is gonna move out next week.

i am in just sheer utter shock. my kids dad has been under the ows thumb so bad that he cant call them w/o her bein in the room, present to make sure we (he and i) dont talk!!! what the hell is that. OMG ppl....i cannot think straight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi kuljey,

I have been wondering where ya' been.

The "comfy" life is over for them as reality sets in.

His head will explode preyty soon and their affair will be over.

[ August 29, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

what can i do to help. why did she do this. she ruined my life, now she is trying hard to hinder his relationship w/his kids.

[ August 29, 2003, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: kuljey ]

What do you WANT to do?

As long as he puts up with it, there is nothing you can do.

i am gonna help him. we are still married. i still care about him, not in the romantic i want to remain married way.

i am afraid she is gonna come after us.

Don't be too quick to help. This really is his mess and he is the one who needs to do the work to clean it up.

Yes, I know this is impacting on his relationship with his children...but it is HIS relationship.

Don't be his safety net...that is something so many WS really want. They wish to jump from the frying pan into the fire...then when things become real...they are crying to get back in that frying pan. Don't let him. He is either going to sink or swim...and the more help you try to give to him...the longer he can tread water and keep from going completely under.

The sooner he hits rock bottom...and not just bouncing off it...the better. JMHO

ps...nothing wrong if your friend is willing to help him move his stuff....but you stay out of it!

Good Luck on your new freedom!

Kuljey, Be reasonable. You are in the worst possible position to help. Remember the story of Tar Baby? This is tar baby. Time for you and the kids to get out of the blast zone. Go to Bunkers 2 and 4 immediately! You can come out with a mop and bucket later.

[ August 29, 2003, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]

Kuljey..

no one can be controlled over something like a phone with out their own consent...

she can set what ever outrageous limit she chooses...it is still his choice...

he is not a victim..

you could tell him that while it is evident that MARS is closer to the earth at present then it has been in the past 5000 years..it will once again move away....
and all alien fog induced mind controlled Ow SHOULD return to their "normal" selfish behavior...and cease and desist such unusual acting out... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I would go through heck and high water to see my children....and we are not even living in war torn Iraq by a long shot...

i am in just sheer utter shock. my kids dad has been under the ows thumb so bad that he cant call them w/o her bein in the room, present to make sure we (he and i) dont talk!!! what the hell is that. OMG ppl....i cannot think straight!

he put himself there...you're right kul..you aren't thinking straight... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
but it's ok...mars can affect even the good ones... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
this is the path he has chosen...
let him live and learn....

hope YOU and YOUR children are well...
ARK

ow threatens him, if he doesnt take her along to see our kids she will call his mom and then kick him out.

Oh, my <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> she'll call his MOM? Then what? He's grounded?

Kick him out? There's no motels nearby? He doesn't have one (male) friend, relative, YMCA he could crash with?

He's being pretty pathetic if he can't stand up to those threats.

You know how badly he talked about you to the OW? Well, now he's talking badly about the OW to you. It may be true, it may not.

If he had wanted to see the kids he would have made it happen. He didn't. They've been fine with you.

I don't think at this point you have to really worry about his being threatened or jump to his rescue. He moved in with OW without your help, he can move out without your help.

And...his parents sound like they're a little nuts in most of your posts. Your MIL would really rather be friends with the young OW who's having sex with her married son than support his abandoned wife and abandoned children? No big loss if she's not in your life. IMHO.

Glad to see you post, I've wondered how you are doing.

Kuljey,

He can go live with his mom. It is good to see the OW threatening him. He will not hit bottom until he sees how much has been lost.

You need to have some patience. This A is on a death kneel. STay out of the way. It will die on it's own and you won't be blamed.

Take care of you and the children. Let him know that you and the children are currently safe. He will have to see how to deal with the OW's threats.

OW's threaten because they do not have control over you. Your MIL is dumb for believing an OW. Or maybe she is just playing along to give the OW a false sense of security. This c/b to your family's benefit. Either way, let them do what they feel is right. Each lives with their own decisions.

Your H will come back to his senses soon. Psycho OWs have that way with people. Just hope the police don't have to get involved.

Let me tell you that in our case, the OW is still trying hard to be in the picture. Even tried to serve H with some sort of legal docs. Didn't see the docs but it sure isn't scoring any brownie points. Why? Because H finally sees the real OW. Something like out of an old star trek show (remember the one with the salt monster).

L.

Is ow with him 24/7? Are you living in the same local calling area? Are there pay phones? He can't use a phone without her? Is it real or is it an excuse?

In my city there are no residential YMCAs. But there are some outstanding athletic facilities run by the YMCA.

Does the man have a job? Can he not afford rent without the ow? If he has the lease on the apartment can he not have her move/d out?

I admit to not knowing your whole story, Kuljey. But I think this man needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet.

kuljey:

It is so good 2 finally hear from you and 2 be able 2 TELL, from your tone, that YOU are doing much better now than ever before.

Tell you what. Get your copy of SAA out (or buy one if you don't have one), and read it anew. Think about your new perspective now. I can see it in your post. You're doing much better. Sure, you're still a bit uncertain about the fu2re, but who isn't? Look at what's happening 2 the A. Don't dwell on it 2 much or get involved in any way, of course. Heck, if you feel any need whatsoever 2 watch the train wreck happening, set up a lounge chair, picnic tables, and your favorite drinks with little umbrellas in them and watch the play-by-plays and compare them 2 the script in SAA.

Better, of course, would be 2 just ignore it and let your stbxh and the OW flail about like fishes out of water for a while.

Again, it's good 2 hear from you,
-2long

Kuljey,

How are you doing?

L.

well, my stbxh had the kids 2x this past weekend. he is still planning on moving out of his girlfriend/OW's place. he says she is controlling. i guess he is needing somewhere to live...

he has been calling me from payphones 'now.' she checks his cellphone log daily.

this is all so confusing. my family has said they would disown me if i took him back. he hasnt asked, i havent said.

kuljey:

If he thinks she's controlling now, wait until she finds out he's been calling you from payphones! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think it's good you aren't offering him the chance 2 come home. If you ever want that again, it must be on your terms and he must be away from the OW for a "suitable period of time" 2 clear his head and show he can think independently (and thoughtfully of his family) before he can come back.

But it's up 2 you, and he has 2 realize that, 2.

all my best,
-2long

Don't worry about your family disowning you. You can cross that bridge when you come to it.

AMM

That's exactly what I was going to say!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

my family has said they would disown me if i took him back.
They don't own you now.

And as A.M.Martin said, "You can cross that bridge when you come to it."

Kuljey, Worry more about your kids being around this nut case controller.
Insist on supervised visitations.
LouLou

Well everyone..peter pan (stbxh) is staying w/his hoochie mama. he said he has changed her controlling ways....he CLAIMS he has taken her off of his checking account, he has restricted her from talking to this "guy" ow sees/talks to, he said she is getting better. i had issue w/the fact she restricted him from talking to me, stbxh says she set him straight. hmmmm????

why am i mad?!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

kuljey:

Yeah, why? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It reads pretty funny from over here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But seriously, you're probably mad because you hate the nonsense. This behavior makes your stbxh seem like an idiot. But it is fog.

Take care,
-2long

Affairs usually end around 6 months after discovery.

Your h's affair is just about on schedule.

[ September 02, 2003, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

today is my anniversary. 7 yrs. we are divorcing and he is living w/ow. i am doing so-so, better than i expected. but, it still is my legal marriage anniversary. HOW DO I HANDLE THE DAY! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

So how did you handle the day?

hello all. i am now officially divorced. my anniversary was sad. i kept busy w/the boyfriend.

i am not doing well right now, was broken into today. i am behind on my house pmt from last month, my boyfriend worked yesterday to make cash to help me pay it, it was taken. my girls grandfather had given them 100 each for their birthdays recently and i had it in my underwear drawer for them, gone! they took my camcorder (with a tape w/my youngest daughters 6th birthday) and my digital camera (the disk inside was full and it had TONS AND TONS of pictures!)

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm so sorry for your trouble, Kuljey.

kuljey:

I'm so sorry 2 hear about the breakin! I hope nobody was home when it happened. Do you have insurance?

Please take care,
♥2long

I'm sorry to hear about the break in.

thankfully, no one was home when it happened. usually my stepdaughter is home, coincidentaly she was w/her grandfather (xhs dad.) she said that her dad must not have been busy cuz he called them ALL DAY. ...strange.

yes i have insurance, such a hassel and i just want my video tapes that were in the camcorder bag back and the disk from my digital camera...likely to NOT be ever found!

aarrghh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hey kuljey,

I'm kinda curious about child custody in your divorce.
What about your step-daughter? Did you end up with custody? I don't see a court giving step-mom custody over both parents.
Or was it just not even addressed and she just lives with you?
Are you getting child support for her?

[ October 27, 2003, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

Thanks for askin--well i have joint custody..yep joint custody. Her mother is in parts unknown and that part was just barely touched on. Yes i get child support from him for her. I have the physical custody of the girls.

He had them overnite last weekend, he took them to a casino/hotel. He went w/his OW and her 15 yr old brother--he LEFT THEM w/this boy so they could go party. Nothing bad happened, but i am just angry as all HECK! We have mediation w/the court clinic 12-1, he agreed he needs supervised visitation..but also feels that him and his OW cant do as much when he has them for a whole weekend. Didnt last for long.