How do I talk more? - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I'm new at this, so please bear with me. I'm the one who cheated. It's been almost one full year since my H found out about my A. My A occurred at work, and to make matters worse, it was with my boss. It's actually even more complicated because my A lasted for almost two years. And at the end of it all, I didn't break it off, the OM did. And then I also found out that he was also having an A with another female in our office at the same time. The OM broke the A with me because his W found an incriminating e-mail from the other girl in the office that she had sent to him and she suspected he was cheating. Of course his W knew (and probably still doesn't know) anything about me. However at the same time my H suspected me as well. He had no idea that my A had been cut off only two days before we had our confrontation. After a long series of lies that I told my H, I did eventually come clean and tell him the truth about all of my A. And here we are almost a year later. He still doesn't trust me and I don't blame him at all for that. I've given him no reason to trust me. Since the A ended, I made sure that my former L lost his job, and I have relocated and taken a new job. I want to put my marriage back together, but my problem is that I still have trouble talking about my A. I know from reading that it is a very important part of my H's recovery to continue to talk about my A. But I often don't have the words to express myself and to give my H the details of my feelings and how I got into the A in the first place or let it continue for so long. I really do love my H. We have three beautiful children (all girls).
I need better advice on how to open up and talk to my H about my A. I have seen councillors and we even did a brief stint at marriage counselling. The marriage councillors option in our second session was to plan a separation. We never went back. If anyone has any advice on how to open up emotionally, I would be very grateful.

The best that I can offer you at this time is to read up on the info here, especially those parts relating to affairs, and if you haven't already, go out and get yourselves a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and Chalmers, and read that together, and possibly another book by the same authors called "His Needs Her Needs".

I sounds like you've already taken some every positive steps, with the OM being out of your life. But you'll find some great information in those books about how to work on rebuilding the trust and the love in your marriage.

It sounds like you're already working from a great position, being that you both sound dedicated to recovering from this terrible mistake. Do some research, do some work, and come back often with questions.

There are a lot of really amazing people here, from all 3 sides of affair.

Best of luck to you, and congratulations on having to courage to admit your mistake, and to work on making a new and better marriage than you ever had before.

Does your H want FEELINGS about your affair or does he want FACTS? Are you answering ALL of his questions truthfully and factually? What does he want to know that you aren't fulfilling?

P.S. UN had a great suggestion when he suggested Surviving an Affair. You will be able to relate to much of it and it might help you understand.

My H tells me that he wants to know my feelings. He also tells me that he pretty much understands all the facts. It's the feelings that were involved that he usually wants more clarification on. And I have read the books. I just still don't know how to express myself to his satisfaction. And that continues to frustrate him. Don't get me wrong, we have come a long way. At least we don't constantly argue and fight any more. But he is telling me that he is ready to give up the marriage, and I really DON'T want that. Where's the book that tells me how I'm supposed to be able to open up expressions and emotions that I have bottled up and kept hidden all my life (because that's the way my family was when I was growing up)?

I am sorry for the pain that you both are experiencing. It's awful but it can be something that brings you closer together.

You guys are on the right track. Communication and sharing of feelings creates intimacy which in turn helps rebuild trust. The obligations of daily life (family, work, etc.) make this type of communication difficult. You need opportunity and an arena to share these things. Seems that you guys need some extended time alone together.

My wife and I went through much of the same that you describe. I wanted to know her feelings but everytime she opened up I did not know how to handle that information. I used that information to torture myself. I would even punish her with her own feelings. It was awful.

We found a program that helped us to learn to communicate in a productive manner and it may help you. It's called Retrouvaille. Alcoholics have AA. Broken marriages have Retrouvaille.

There are Retrouvaille chapters throughout the country. Please check out their website. There may be an opportunity in your own backyard. You have everything to gain.

If interested, my wife and me would be happy to share more about our recovery with you both.

I live with a "bottler" too.

Keeping your feelings bottled up has been something you have used throughout your life to protect yourself. Protect yourself from what? Only you can answer that. Maybe you were ridiculed for your feelings, or taught how you were supposed to react. Perhaps you were punished for having strong feelings.

But this protection is not working for you anymore. It is preventing you from sharing intimacy with your H. This intimacy is something important to your H. This is the point when your fear is greater than your love.

How do you break this open? How do you make yourself vulnerable? Set the stage for a safe environment. Things your H does that keep you from sharing your feelings? Before your disclosure of your deepest emotions ask for some rules...

Still not comfortable? (It will take practice to open up, and it will be something you will always fall back on in times of stress). Write it out...no one has to see it. Or you can start to communicate to your H this way...

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by screwed up royally:
 My H tells me that he wants to know my feelings. He also tells me that he pretty much understands all the facts. It's the feelings that were involved that he usually wants more clarification on. I just still don't know how to express myself to his satisfaction. And that continues to frustrate him. <hr /></blockquote>Were you reacting to instincts or were you reacting to feelings when you did what you did? I am a very instinctive person and I find when I am operating on instinct, I have a bear of time describing my feelings or the rationale for my actions. I became so frustrated with this once, that I moved to the opposite extreme and began ignoring all instincts in favor of logic and reason [this was a huge mistake]. Logic and reason are wonderful, but they are not a replacemnt for instinct. And instinct without logic and reason is not good either. Am I anywhere close here?

Can you say with ALL honesty that you are trying your best to decribe your feelings? Does your H believe you are trying or do you act like a hostile defense witness when he asks you questions? Does he have to ask you DIRECT questions or do you freely give up information, no matter how painful?

I sure would like to hear his side of it. Any chance we could hear his side? We might be able to help him calm down.

Sometimes it takes the right questions to get to the answers your H is seeking. Such as what attracted you to the OM? what were the things the OM did that made you want to be with him intimately? what were the things the OM said that turned you on? You may also want to consider answering them on paper as though you were still having your affair and addressing them exclusively to the OM. After you're done, give the paper to your H to read.

SUR(screwed up royally) from what you described to us so far, it seems that your H actions appear to be in dark contrast to his words about ending the marriage, otherwise he would have been long gone by now. So don't lose hope yet, because the metabolically challenged lady has not sung yet.

[ December 24, 2003, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]