What should I do with this thing? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Cleaning out closets, I found the big canvas banner that was strung across the front of our house in early 1999 when we brought our now-deceased son home from his second bone marrow transplant. The banner, which was made by a professional sign company, read (using fictitious names), “Welcome Home Jake!! From Bill, Joyce, Tom, Sally, Diane, and Fido”

If you haven’t already guessed, “Bill” became OM. “Joyce” was his wife and my wife's best friend, and the rest were their children and their dog.

What should I do with this thing? My first reaction is to just throw it in with my next run to the dump. Or should I present to my XW and OM, now married, as a reminder of what they accomplished? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[ July 27, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

WAT -

Once again you amaze me, putting on your "humor" hat (again) after what a heartbreaking life you have had so far.

I was so happy to read that you have a new love now. I hope she loves you madly! You deserve it.

Send it to 'em UPS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But still....so sad, I'm sooooooooooo sorry for your loss! Really, unless you're overly fond of looking back, take it to the dump. You don't need to remember your boy that way, and you certainly need no reminders of WW.

((((hugs))))

- Kimmy

<blockquote>quote:<hr />You don't need to remember your boy that way <hr /></blockquote>couldn't agree more !

hearts out to ya WAT

WAT:

Do you have a parrot? Or a Myna Bird? One of them messy tropical ones? If so, you could cancel your newspaper subscription for a few months and cut up the banner 2 line his cage with.

Better yet, do OM and the x have such a bird? If so, cut up the banner and send it 2 them with instructions on how 2 use it.

just my paradigm (that's 20 cents)

-ol' 2long

If I were dealing with this, I'd bludgeon the happy couple to death, wrap their bodies in the canvas, weight it down with some lead---and then go for a deep-water sail.

Ooops. That's just supposed to be in the puffy cloud above my head... I hate when that happens...

Throw it away.

Oh WAT how painful for you.

If you are really wondering what to do with the banner I can't say I that I'd consider throwing it away. I can picture you coming home with your son and the grand welcome it must have been to have friends so thoughtful to put up such a sign of encouragement. It breaks my heart.

I think you want to cherish anything that reminds you of your son...the fact that this particular article was given to you and your exW by OM and his family makes this a double edge sword. On one hand I'd want to burn it but on the other I'd want to hold it and cry remembering the day you brought him home and the hope you had in your heart that he would make it. Now if you send it to xW and OM she might think she is still able to play puppet master with your emotions. Don't give her or OM the satisfaction of that.

You are amazing and your new love is very lucky, as are you. You two are both wonderful people who deserve to be happy. I wish you the best.

Hi WAT,

I'm sorry for this reminder. What was your reaction? I teared up just reading about it........

But a similar thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I was cleaning. I found a set of pictures made at at party a few years ago. Several of the pictures contained OW. One particular picture showed me, my husband, and OW.

So I guess I did the typical thing. I cut her out of all the pictures, then cut her pictures up into little tiny pieces and threw them away. Childish perhaps, but somehow empowering. It made me feel a bit better and didn't really hurt anyone.

I vote with K. About the throwing it away part I mean. Not the bludgeoning part.

Peppermint

WAT, ugh! I would torch the thing! What a horrid reminder for you!

I have kept most of my boys' clothes, posters, CD's, rock collection and I will never part with them. I have all his baseball trophies on top of his dresser just like he had them. MY DH asks me about once a year if I want to throw that stuff away. I'm in no hurry, in fact I may keep it all forever! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dave,

LB Fairey has ideas; however none of them would be wise.....and knowing your X all my, I mean LB Bairey's ideas would casue you lots more problems....I did love K's dream........at least cut OM's name out & do something evil with it....

glad you are happy......

Send it to them C.O.D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Burn it.

Hey WAT

You really can get advice for just about anything on this site!

My deepest sorrow for the loss of your son. I'm a nurse, and have seen a lot of that. A child is the worst kind of loss.

For the rest, I'm with Orchid! COD!

K72172

Thanks for the suggestions, folks. This wasn't so much an emotional trip, but more a statement of my continued amazement that the "happy couple" did what they did. I try to find some fun in every dark corner - maybe this is the way I subconciously deal with the unexplainable - so I naturally digressed to comptemplating a prank.

I've thought of worse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This wouldn't include "bludgeoning" - though I can imagine that showing up in a dream. (Remind me to retell the dream I once had that included K and new beginning, aka Nyneve.)

I arrived quite some time ago at that special place known as "indifference." It creeps up on you. It really is peaceful and liberating, for the most part. I'm referring, of course, to feelings about the infidels.

I miss my son terribly, frequently wondering how he would be doing in school, etc. But my grieving mostly took place while he was still with us. We knew he was leaving several months before the end and this gave me, at least, an opportunity to prepare and close. I am not ashamed to admit that I experienced a tremendous feeling of relief when it was finally over. I was able to accept his death primarily because I understood why it happened, I knew we did everything within our power to cure him, and I had a clear conscience. Very different than, say, a parent who backs over their child in the driveway. But "indifference" doesn't apply to feelings about my son.

Contrast this with the death of my marriage. The grieving didn't even begin until d-day. I knew it had been sick, but I didn't realize that the illness could be terminal. Like other BSs, I was devastated. Nothing like this occurred related to my son, although his initial diagnosis was like the floor dropped out from the world. But even then, everyone was pulling in the same direction. But the death throes of my marriage involved choices. I couldn't understand why these choices were being made. Well, I understand my XW's grief for our son - she didn't show any before - and her attempt to run from it. But the selfish choices that persisted, especially OM's, represent to me unexplainable extremes of human rationalization. I hope I never really understand. I was the only one pulling in what I thought was the obvious direction to pull.

So, it took some time to arrive at this comfortable place, indifference. I'm here due in large part to this wonderful internet site and the people here who helped me, to my efforts to cure my marriage - I did everything I could and I have a clear conscience - and, last but not least, to my new love who has led me past indifference to a new caring.

I'll be stopping by the dump after work today.

WAT

WAT -

You are amazing. You help so many here. What would we do without WAT?

Your last post reminded me of something I read in "Not Just Friends". I never really thought about it like this until I read your post. The book states that recovery is harder if there's another emotional event taking place at the same time or near d-day. Recovery is also made more difficult the more surprised the BS is. Not that all BSs aren't surprised to some extent. If a couple experienced cheating during dating or the engagement it goes without saying the discovery of an A is not as shocking as with a couple who has been devoted for years.

I just found that interesting. Your last post could have come straight from that book.

You give us hope. I thank you for that.

WAT, Mrs. E and I lost a son and when we went to counseling after his death they told us that something like 80% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child.

The cards were stacked against us Amigo. At least we weren't the ones dealt aces and eights.

Best of luck to you and the new love. You two always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!

Mr. E - thanks for responding.

I knew that marriages after the loss of a child are vulnerable. I knew this soon after our son was diagnosed with Stage IV neuroblastoma in Dec. 1993.

My wife and I were a real team in our son's care. They re-wrote the book at Children's Hospital D.C. for parental involvement in BMTs after seeing how we involved ourselves and took control of his recovery. We turned a lot of heads. We set a new standard. Our boy grafted in record time, achieved remission, and we started watching the calendar - the judge for a cure. I thought our son and our marriage, our family, would make it.

When he relapsed, we knew the odds were very poor, but we continued the good fight and followed our prior path in a second BMT. Another good team effort, but no remission.

So, I can imagine how many marriages would fail. The stress is indescribable. But I also know couples who lost their child after a struggle and turned to each other's strength to sustain the family unit. I thought it was a natural reaction given the lesson of life's vulnerability. We still had a second, healthy son whom we learned to cherish all the more. Why do anything to jeopardize his wellbeing?

That was my logic. Preserve what we have left.

For reasons I may never understand, my wife had to completely sever the future from the past. Having no family suddenly became better than having a damaged family. Or rather, having a NEW family is better than the old, partial one. As a result, she chose to "acquire" her best friend's children and the rest is history.

I can understand how marriages would fail, but I can more easily understand how marriages would strengthen. The difference, I believe, comes down to one's individual positive perspective, ability to grieve, and optimism in the face of despair. I had it and she didn't.

This doesn't mean I criticize her for this "lacking." It's just a statement of fact. Had good friend OM expressed to her that she ought to focus on her family, her loving husband and remaining son, and embrace what we accomplished - the admiration of many, many people - along with our clear consciences of knowing we did all we could, I likely wouldn't be here today. But he chose to be an OM.

This is why, if given a chance, I would probably not save his life.

Thanks for listening.

[ August 02, 2004, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

WAT -

I was telling my H my thoughts about this part of your post today at lunch.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Had good friend OM expressed to her that she ought to focus on her family, her loving husband and remaining son, and embrace what we accomplished - the admiration of many, many people - along with our clear consciences of knowing we did all we could, I likely wouldn't be here today. But he chose to be an OM.
<hr /></blockquote>Throughout their EA, my FWH and former supposed "best friend" kept telling me they were just friends, sharing open honest communication.

I told H today I don't think HW was ever his friend. A friend doesn't manipulate your feelings and exploit weaknesses to get their way. That is not friendship.

If HW was his friend, she would have encouraged him to be, if not loyal to me, at least loyal to HIMSELF. But instead, she encouraged him to lie and deceive and cheat - very out of character for my H (but not for her). She encouraged H to do whatever made him happy, regardless of what those things were. Anyway, I'm not blaming HW exclusively. It was 50-50.

BUT, do not try to disguise an A as any sort of a friendship - that is how I feel, and that is what I told H today. Their use of that word used to make me want to puke, because I treasure and value friendship - and they crapped all over it, just like H did our M.

So, I totally understand where you are coming from. Luckily, the HW in my case was afraid of becoming known as a HW, because she is not M and runs her own in-home daycare. She didn't want to lose clients, and she dumped H right after he told me of the A (she felt he betrayed her - DUH!). It still took him 3 months to get his head back on straight, but I am grateful each day that he did.

Best of luck in your new relationship. Good things happen to good people, and you give people here such hope - no matter what happens with their M.

SS

WAT that decision is up to you totally.
If it hold sentimental value Keep it...
If not dump it..especially if it makes you upset in anyway...

My prayers go out to you friend!

Wat, I just wrote on the Recovery forum my especially angry thoughts towards OW. So of course my opinion at the moment might be a tad vengeful. I would send the banner to them. Write something very nice, like "I was cleaning out the closet and found this banner. OM, since you were sooooo thoughtful in creating and hanging this banner, I thought you and exW would value it more than me." Let them deal with the banner and their wonderful memories!

Wat, I am very sorry for the loss of your son. If you've read any of my posts, my brother lost his son suddenly in 8/02. It was a kick in the gut for me. I can't even imagine what it would be like for a parent to lose their child. I say that was the start of the year from hell because of the three significant deaths that followed. The anniversary of my dad's death will be in 3 weeks. The little "B" OW came to our home after the wake, and participated in my dad's funeral, so I have a sense of how that made you feel.

What you and Spidey said is so true. Yes, the WS made the choice to have the A. However, our lives were under tremendous stress last year. I couldn't be there for H when his dad died because I was too consumed with my dad's failing health. What would have happened if the OW wouldn't have pursued H? If she would have said, "H, you and CV are having a really bad year. Maybe you too should see a MC. You need to turn toward your W." What would have happened if when H would tell her they needed to not let the EA turn into a PA she wouldn't have begged and cried for him not to leave? Like Spidey said, OW's words were all about the love they had, and doing what makes you happy. Some friend!

Boy, am I pissed off at OW tonight. Sorry for venting on your thread. Just send it to those 2 pathetic souls and let them deal with it. You have so many real memories of your son. You don't need that banner from an @#$hole.

I'm so glad you're happy. Thanks for continuing to help all of us here on MB. CV