marriage improving but a huge secret hinders it

I've been married for 25 years and have been having an affair for the last year. My story is the same old one of emotional distancing and wandering affection. My husband and I had many times discussed that we seemed to be losing each other. But the discussions never seemed to lead to a solution. About six months into my affair, my husband and I discovered a way to come together again. He has done a number of things that I have read about on this board. I don't know if he has read about them too, but he seems to be practicing them. We are so close now and I don't want to lose us again. However I haven't ended the affair. What I get from the affair is sexual adventure. My husband and I were at one time living a sexless marriage. Things have improved for us. But our sex life isn't anything like the sex I have with my OM. For the first time I am really getting to explore my sexuality and I don't want to lose that. So talk to me and give me your perspective on how talk myself out of needing this extra sexual activity. Thank you!

txbird, what's to say? You know what you're doing is wrong. Your marriage seems fine to you because you're having two men meet your needs. Consider your husband who is only having 1/2 a person meet his. He knows something is wrong but hasn't quite put his finger on it. That is exactly why he is all of the sudden trying so hard. His efforts are pointless while you're in the A. And he will certainly grow weary when he doesn't see it having the desired effect. 25 years is a lot to throw away. There must be a better way than this. Please consider doing the right thing.

txgirl,

Well, you don't talk yourself out of needing this. YOu make a decision as to the priorities of your life. When your H finds out about this, and he finds out you are using him for money, and your OM for sex, then what are you going to say? What are you going to choose?

Has it occured to you that your marriage is improving ONLY because your H is making the effort? IF you really tried it might be much better but you won't as long as OM is in your bed and mind. If you want to read an interesting story, go read the posts by Finally Learning. She had a two year affair WHILE her H was working his fanny off to save the marriage. So say he resented this and to say he felt like a complete fool would be a complete understatement.

The real and only issue is where are your values and your morals? Where do you stand with regard to what marriage means? Is this something you would proudly tell your parents, your friends, your siblings if you have any? Is it something you will be proud of when you are on your death bed?

It is your pride, it is your life, it is your marriage. IF you decide to make it a real marriage I and others can help. But, to talk a woman out of an affair because she loves the sex, seems pretty foolish to me. It seems to me you value your OM's privates more than you value your H or your marriage and certainly any moral value set you may have.

All I ask is that you sit down and realize all you have to lose when your H finds out. He will because you will withhold from him and probably you already are as he works to deepen your marriage and relationship. You see the lie you are telling is already eroding the marriage and it will continue to. Eventually, he will become suspicious or the marriage will fail, assuming you are NOT a sociopath.

So you must decide what is best, and what value you put on your vows, your marriage, your moral value set. If you decide that an affair is not consistent, we can help. I do hope this is what you decide. I sure do hope you don't have children, I can imagine how proud they will be of you.

God Bless,

JL

txbird,

25 years is a long time to dump.

Your H may already suspect A and that is why he is working so hard to repair the M <blockquote>quote:<hr />About six months into my affair, my husband and I discovered a way to come together again. He has done a number of things that I have read about on this board. I don't know if he has read about them too, but he seems to be practicing them.
We are so close now and I don't want to lose us again. <hr /></blockquote>If you don't end A, the latter "lose us again" could become a reality

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Things have improved for us. But our sex life isn't anything like the sex I have with my OM. For the first time I am really getting to explore my sexuality and I don't want to lose that. <hr /></blockquote>How open are you with H on what you like sexually? Do you prepare yourself for H as you do for your lover? Are you both open to experimenting with new things? Or do you wear the same old 6-yr-old flannel nighty to bed every night with your gym socks, and he is PJ pants or tidy whiteys? How much are you both willing to improve your sex life? Another thought, "a sexless marriage"? Could be something physical or emotional going on there.

Your H knows all of your faults and WHO you are in your daily routine and has still chosen to work on M. He thinks your worth it. Your lover CANNOT know all of your faults and how you handle your daily life, financial challenges, pms/hormonal changes, etc. He just gets sex with no committment required.

Wake up call sweety, sounds like you have something worth saving. Good sex could be yours AND a good M......with the same man and no guilt!!

Explore your sexuality with the OM?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> The place to that safely do that is in your M!! Tell your H what you want, ask him about his fantasies...try experimenting with your H!! Sexual adventure is the best, wildest and most creative in a stable, honest, loving and committed relationship. Do you know what makes the sex so great with the OM??? It's not technique, it's not size, it's certainly not honesty...it's the secrecy and the thrill of not getting caught!!

Thank you for the responses. I can't imagine why I'm finding it so hard to give up this affair. I was married 24 years without cheating and did just fine without it. I don't want this man for anything other than sex. It is like I've developed a sex addiction, only I'm not interested in having it with anyone but this man and my husband. Perhaps I'm having some sort of mental breakdown?

I really appreciate your responses and most of what you are saying is exactly what is going on. However there are a couple of things that were said that aren't true in my case. I'm not financially using my husband. I make over twice as much as he does. And I do put a great deal of effort into my marriage and always have done so. My husband has too but until recently our efforts weren't seeing results. I'm also very open with my husband regarding my sexuality. He knows all my desires. He isn't as sexual as I am but other than the period of time when we were experiencing a sexless marriage, I've always been satisfied with him.

I'll read the thread you suggested. And thank you again for sharing your perspective. Pray for me!

I think you should tell your husband of your sex driven relationship and give him an opportunity to hear your story and your reasoning why you remain in the extramarital affair. Give him the right to be as happy about it as you or give him the rightful choice to walk away from you in response to your blatant betrayal. I hope the sex is good enough to give up a lifetime of memories with your loyal and loving husband.

Why does the Redneck Wandering Spouse and the Redneck Other Person like to do it doggie style? So they can watch the Race at the same time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good point TooSoonToBeComfortable! I will consider doing that. I think disclosing the affair would end it. Which would be a good thing. And I doubt if my husband will leave me over this. But he should have the opportunity to decide. I had asked on another board if the BS would prefer to know even if the affair had already ended. The majority said yes they would have liked to have the opportunity to make an informed choice as to whether to stay or go. But there were a few who said no that if the affair was truly over, they would prefer to not know.

What do the rest of you think? Should I end the affair and disclose it to my husband. Or should I end it and have it remain a secret?

txbird, I don't usually reply to WW's. I don't know why - I think I just get so darn frustrated.

Anyway, my 2c worth. I am the FWW, (former wayward wife). I was married for 27 years before I had an A. SF with my husband was always totally, totally wonderful so my situation is slightly different.

But, you did ask if you should end it and not tell your H. Weeeeellll, I tried that. For one, the A would have started up again - nothing surer, and two) I was just about ready for the mental hospital after 3 months of ending it and not telling. I say that because the pain of the guilt from living with the fact that I was going to carry this round with me forever with my H not ever aware of something that was affecting his own life and the pain of withdrawal from the OM were just too much. I began drinking (heavily) and turned into a zombie that nearly lost her job because I wasn't functioning at work or at home.

I was just getting ready to tell him when he found out anyway. Then and only then, were we ready to begin recovering our marriage.

You sound almost like you're at the "this is all fun and games" stage and it really won't affect your life too much. Whichever way this turns out, the pain for everyone is going to be indescribable.

Jen

[ August 23, 2004, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]

txbird:

How have you analyzed your A? Have you truly peeled the layers off the onion to get to the bare truth?

What about the years of poor sexuality in your M? Have you really explored why it occurred? Did you and H ever compare your different POVs?

What exactly is it about being with OM that makes it so much more fulfilling than with H? Is he younger? More skilled? Better equipped?

Is it that a purely sexual R allows you to be more uninhibited? Perhaps since you don't have to discuss boring everyday life issues with OM, you can just "go animal" with him, then leave.

Then there is a guilt of a double standard. Have you truly examined how you'd feel if you found out your H had a partner with whom he had better sex than with you? How would it change your respect for him? How would you deal with that?

As with everyone else, I also advise telling your H. After all, this is his M as much as it is yours, and he has as much right as you to know what is going on in it. You must respect him enough to tell him. You've already done the damage; you've endangered his health as well as his emotional well-being.

Not telling is the same as lying.

Be delicate when you broach this with H. The fact that you don't need him financially and that he is not meeting your sexual needs would each probably be very disheartening for him, but together they are entirely emasculating. He may feel like is not necessary in your life, and he then opt to leave you. He may feel shame and worthlessness in your presence, and wish to leave to escape the humiliation.

Even when it's true, men generally don't like to hear that they are unable to satisfy their wives. It tends to dampen one's self esteem and cause them to doubt their worth. Unless OM is some young, hung stud against whom your H has no hope in hell of competing, focus on the transferrable skills. Perhaps OM taught you things that you can pass on to your H?

I daresay he will not feel like inflicting his meagre and inadequate sexual abilities on you any more. Don't offer him pity sex - it will only rub salt in the wounds.

I would expect his behavior and personality may change. He may become withdrawn, and suffer from other signs of depression. He will probably be aware of this, too, and see it as yet another area in which he is failing to meet your needs, and yet another example of his lack of value in your life. He will feel as though he's wasted both his life as well as yours.

He may lash out - who wouldn't in such pain? He may say nasty things to you, and call you bad names. That is quite common. He may seek to "even the score", although few BS actually do so.

I daresay it will not be pleasant. Pace yourself, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

The fact that you and your H do not have similar sex drives does NOT justify having an A!! I suggest to you that you got involved with the OM for other reasons. Perhaps, some IC could help you identify those reasons. Even some MC could help. A sexless M is NOT a normal state.

This is not a game! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> There is another (or more) person involved...your H! Does he not deserve the facts of what's going on so that he can make an informed decision as to whether or not he wishes to stay in the M?? By you toying with him and playing "God" by withholding info does not give him the option of deciding what's best for him! He may stay in the M, as you suggest, or he may not. The decision is his to make and not yours.

Hello,

I have just a quick question. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? If you have any respect left for your husband you will tell him the truth and allow him to make a decision how he wishes to live his life since you are also putting his health at risk for STDs. After all of this the least you can do for him is to tell him the truth.
If you do not have truth in a marriage, then what do you really have? It seems like this is some sort of fun game for you. If you enjoy lying, cheating and humiliating and disrespecting your spouse then continue what you are doing. How do you feel when you celebrate your anniversary and your husband tells you how much he loves you? If you care at all for your husband you will do the right thing and tell him the truth. I wish you well.

Several of you have said that you feel I see this cheating as a game within my marriage. I don't feel this is a game. I take it all very seriously and am looking for a way to end the affair and do what is best for my marriage. I had hoped that this forum would serve as a support group. But I think perhaps the people who post here are too close to their own situation to be of assistance to me. Unfortunately this board is like so many others, the cheating spouse is treated as a noncaring person and not supported in her/his decisions to resolve the issue. However one of the posts I received was very helpful and I will follow up with her suggestion. I have an appointment with my counselor and I will discuss with her the idea of disclosing the affair to my husband. Thank you anyway for trying to help, but it is obvious that this board is for supporting the betrayed spouse and hurling insults at the cheating spouse.

txbird,

Well, you have several things very wrong. Permit me to explain them to you. First, this forum is not just for the BS but is heavily populated with WS's and more accurately former WS's. They make this forum really work as will you WHEN you get out of the "fog".

You are in what is termed here as "THE FOG". This is a state often seen in WS's where their logic is completely disassociated from reality. When someone comes here in the "fog", the responses are often pointed and firm. Notice no one called you any names, but they are trying to pierce your "fog" and to do that often requires strong, straight forward and unadulterated statemenst. You got those.

You don't think you are in the fog?? Permit me to use your last post. You said <blockquote>quote:<hr />Several of you have said that you feel I see this cheating as a game within my marriage.<hr /></blockquote>Whether you agree with their assessment, your words sure don't indicate much of any empathy for what you have done to your marriage, yourself, or your H. Your words seem to indicate that what you have done has NOT been harmful to you personally, and is just a convenient daliance while you allow your H to work on the marriage.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I don't feel this is a game. I take it all very seriously and am looking for a way to end the affair and do what is best for my marriage.<hr /></blockquote>I sort of like this because it indicates the fog so well. And it is so subtle. You don't feel it is a game, but you don't really see any consequences to what you have done either. So it is a game. Something serious indicates risk, but you don't believe your H will leave or lose his love for you. You don't believe that this affair has diminished you greatly. THus it is a game. Game over, everyone goes home to dinner. It won't happen that way Txgirl.

You say you are looking for a way to end this. Do you see the humor in this statement. You end it by stopping the affair. You simple tell OM you are done and you go home and never see him again. And you must then work on your marriage, which will be a very difficult job until your H knows what happened.

What you are really asking is there a "painless" way to get out of this without paying any price. This is "the fog". You believe that there is some magic way out of this and that the people here know the secret of a painless end to the affair.

Dear Txgirl, the reason everyone has come on soooo strong is that we all know there is no painless way out. Even if you decide to base your marriage on lies you will go through withdrawal from OM. It will hurt. You will miss him. YOu will probably restart the affair a few times because with your dishonesty you have cast aside your best ally, your H. You will miss the sex, the attention, the sense of abandon.

If you tell your H you have a better chance at a good marriage, but it will come at a cost. He will lose trust in you as he should. He will be able to help you end the affair once and for all, but he will be devastated. He will have issues and so will you.

Your "fog" is that you believe that somehow this can be done as cleanly as you entered your affair. That does NOT happen. You and your values system are tainted and will remain so until your H helps you and to do that HE must endure the pain of what you did.

Sorry, no easy answers,hence the answers you have gotten. You can end the affair with a phone call RIGHT NOW. But, you must deal with the aftermath. The people here are more than willing to help you through this, but first YOU must decide to do what is very simple to do. END THE AFFAIR.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I had hoped that this forum would serve as a support group. But I think perhaps the people who post here are too close to their own situation to be of assistance to me. <hr /></blockquote>Oh! yes they will most definitely serve as a support group for the recovery for your marriage, but not for you continuing your A, while you " think of way out." The way out is obvious. It simply remains for you to take it. Then you will get lots of help and support, from BS's and WS's and even those that are neither.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Unfortunately this board is like so many others, the cheating spouse is treated as a noncaring person and not supported in her/his decisions to resolve the issue.<hr /></blockquote>I saw no evidence that you care about your H at this point. I know you must at some level, but really if you truely cared you would NOT have done this, hence the questions to you. You WILL care more once OM is out of your life. It is pretty much true you cannot love two people without cheating each out of the rest of you. You are doing this now.

We will support you, for as long as it takes, in the rebuilding of your marriage, but first you MUST end the affair. Your H cannot rebuild the marriage while you are in the affair. Your counselor will not be able to effectively help you while you are in the affair. We cannot not really help you while you are in the affair. Once you end it, all of the above reverses. People will spend hours of their time helping you.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> However one of the posts I received was very helpful and I will follow up with her suggestion. I have an appointment with my counselor and I will discuss with her the idea of disclosing the affair to my husband.<hr /></blockquote>I think that is a good idea, but I would caution you many counselors are of the opinion that non-disclosure is the way to go. This site if founded on the idea that a true marriage cannot exist if it is riddled with lies. Please reread KiwiJ's post. She is not unique, there have been 1000's here like her over the years that learned that disclosure is the only way.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Thank you anyway for trying to help, but it is obvious that this board is for supporting the betrayed spouse and hurling insults at the cheating spouse. <hr /></blockquote>No it is not obvious that is true, but then again you are in the "fog" and we did NOT tell you what you wanted to hear. I do hope you come back and do some more reading. And when you decide to end your affair you will get a lot of support.

God Bless,

JL

Hi txbird, I don't think that there is an easy way to disclose the A to your H. Regardless of how you tell him, it will be painful. Tell him when the two of you are alone and when you know that you won't be disrupted. You just have to be brave, suck it all in and just tell him. Tell him what you are telling us.

It sounds like you don't want to lose your H and I bet that he will meet you half-way if you can meet him half-way. When all of this is disclosed and when you are ready to be open & honest with your husband, that will be the time that you two can work towards recovery. The longer you wait on telling him, the worse your situation will become. So, please....don't wait too long. Good luck!

txbird..

You have my complete support in ending your A.

Is that what you wish to do?

I would not suggest that this is a game to you re: your marriage.. however much of the excitiment that a marriage is unable to compete with is the game that no affair is complete without. The secrecy, the planning, the cover up, the illicit sex, even the feelings of conflict...all of these things lend an edge to sex with the other man. You say that your husband has not sexually satisfied you consistantly in your marriage. I will accept that as truth..but if in truth you wish to end this and pursue your marriage...you will also have some accepting to do. One of things you may have to accept is that now you have had a taste of thrilling sex...something you do not feel will be satisfied in your marriage. Have you gained by seeking it elsewhere while still wishing to be married? Is it not now just that much harder to let it go? Will you not now be even less satisfied with what your H can offer than you were before? What you seem to be saying....is that what you would really like..is to remain in your marriage for all of the benefits of it [companionship, love, etc] but that in this one area you would like to be excused from faithfullness so that you can meet your need.

I'm not condemning you for feeling this way...why have you not been honest with your H about it though? Would you be willing to do the same for him? If he had a need that was going unmet...would you be able to happily send him into the arms of another woman to meet them? Would you not feel betrayed by this if he assured you that while you did not in fact hold his whole heart..you did indeed have your designated piece of it? Really, this is what you are asking him to do..and by not telling him, you aren't giving him a choice in the matter. Do you consider that fair? Is that the sort of treatment that you would be willing to accept?

This is I think the sticky point of the issue. You do not give me the impression that you want to end the affair...if that were the only issue at hand, you would not need advice, you would simply end it. What I do see you asking for..is can we help you to lose your desire for the affair. Can we make it so that ending the affair will not be painfull and feel like a dreadfull loss. Unfortunately, no..this is not a possibility. It will be a loss. Right now you are having all of your needs met and not making any sacrifices...ending the affair will end this. You will have to commit to your marriage with or without immediate and compelling relief in the area of SF with your husband. To make matters worse..you likely have an addiction to your affair..so you will really be uncomfortable with it's loss. On top of this..you will have to work at restoration of your marriage if your husband should be so wiiling. I think that what you perceive as a lack of support is in truth people who are suprised that you do not see a dreadfull consequence to be paid in your near future. This does not suprise me...you will not understand the depth of what you have done until you attempt to struggle your way out of it. Only then will the issues of withdrawl and betrayal hit you full on..and for a long time. Be prepared for this.

Should you choose to end this affair despite your desires..you will find this forum very supportive indeed. Probably not until then though...while this continues your husband is being actively taken advantage of and betrayed by you. It is pretty distastefull to a suffering BS to be put in a position of trying to pursuade a WS out of the very behavior that has cost them so greatly. It is difficult to listen sympathetically to your rationalizations and self deception. I can very well understand your feelings, and your drive to do as you are doing, I could also understand and empathize with your struggles should you stop..but while you refuse to commit to refraining from this I really do not know what possible support I can offer you. What would you like?

--Noodle

txbird,

I think if you stick around, you'll find that this board is VERY supportive of wayward spouses who want to end their affairs and repair their marriages.

You will NOT find support for decisions and actions that do not move you towards ending your affair and fixing your marriage. You will not find people willing to support your relationship with your OM. Don't expect it. If you try and justify continuing your affair, you can pretty much expect to get very terse advice. What do you expect to get for adultery? A medal and parade?

Whatever you may think, there is nothing special about your situation. It's all been seen here before. It all follows a script. The solutions to your problems are often the same as was effective for others in your situation.

So, you can choose to leave in a huff or you can dig in to one of the best resources availble to you. That's your call.

Low

BTW, I am a former wayward husband.

txbird,

The name of your thread is incorrect. Your marriage is not improving. It is not possible to have a good marriage with your husband that includes lies and a lover.

I think that you should tell your husband about the affair and let him make the decision whether or not he would like to continue living in this marriage.

Would you be okay if he decided that he would like to end the marriage?

Kati

What I want to discuss is how to stop feeling like I need the sexual excitement this man offers. If anyone has any advice on this, please share it. I already know the other stuff you are sharing on this board. I'm in counselling and she has shared most of it as well. In addition, I have read a ton of books on the subject. My husband isn't the only one who has been working on this marriage. I have put a lot of effort into improving it. He has made his mistakes and I have made mine. I don't blame him for the marital problems. We created our marital problems together and we have worked through most of them together. This affair is my mistake that is still harming the marriage. I feel that unless I learn to control my sexual impulses, that I'm going to be susceptible to further bad decisions. I use to live quite contently without the affair. I believe I can again. I also know that some marriage experts say disclose the affair while others say don't disclose it. I'll discuss it with my counselor and make a decision after getting her input. You don't know my husband, but he won't leave me over this affair. I'm not afraid to tell him. I want to tell him if it is the best thing to do.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by txbird:
it is obvious that this board is for supporting the betrayed spouse and hurling insults at the cheating spouse. [/QB]<hr /></blockquote>txbird, I am sorry that you are so defensive that you cannot see the opportunity this board offers you in restoring your marriage.

You say that you do not see this as a game and yet you ask for opinions on whether or not you should disclose the affair to your H. You say that you are looking for a way to end the affair.

I am glad that you are seeking professional help. I will warn you however that many here have been advised by counselors to take their affair secrets to their graves...It is the easy way out now, but you cannot restore a relationship based on dishonesty. In the long run, you will both lose.

There are quite a few former WS's here who can help, but you are going to hear from more BS's. remember, the party who has been hurt most often goes looking to help and answers.

If you are honestly looking for help in ending your affair and recovering your marriage, you DID find the right site. It is not going to be easy to hear some of the responses, but that comes with the territory.

How to end the affair? Decide that you are going to end it and write a no contact letter to the OM. Disclose the affair to your H and begin the journey of recovering the marriage that you can rebuild without dishonesty and secrets. You CAN do it if you choose to. It won't be easy, but there are people here who can help when you are ready.

[ August 24, 2004, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]

Txbird,

Have you thought about visiting a sex therapist together with your husband? This might be helpful and he/she might be able to help you regain the sex life that you are searching for.

I assume that the physical affair with OM is still underway, correct?

You will no be able to work on your marriage and improve your sex life unless you end the affair with the OM.

The decision on whether or not to tell your husband about the affair is all yours. It is not easy, however to live with such a secret for the rest of your life.

What prevents you from telling your husband about the affair? You already mentioned that you know that he is not going to leave you when he finds out.

Kati

Ladysing, how is asking if I should disclose the affair to my husband a game? Even marriage counselors are divided on whether it should be dislosed. I wasn't playing a game, I was hoping for input that might help me make a better decision as to whether I should disclose the affair.

Believe me having a secret of this sort is not taking the easy road. I would feel better if I disclosed the affair. My husband will forgive me. I think telling will be the easier road and one reason I hesitate is that some sources say don't tell that it is only beneficial to the cheating spouse for relieving her guilt.

Why is it that the betrayed spouse is believed to be the one hurt the most by an affair? I have been hurt by this affair. I don't know whose pain will be the greatest, but I do know that both of us are being hurt. As the cheating spouse I have created and deserve this pain, but that doesn't mean the pain is any less for me. I wish I was the betrayed spouse.

I don't mind hearing the harsh words of the betrayed spouses. But they aren't helpful to me. Telling me that I'm noncaring or immoral isn't helping or hurting me. Stating assumptions that can't be supported aren't helpful either. It is only allowing the poster who says it to vent his/her frustration. What I need to know is how to deal with what I'm doing and finding my way out of it with as minimal harm as can occur.

Txbird,

I'm glad you decided to stay around. I think you might have missed my post. I was harder on you than anyone else because I've been there, done that.

I didn't think my H would leave me either and he didn't. What I wasn't prepared for was the complete and total hurt, almost to breakdown level, and then the depth of his love for me. I think that's what I was talking about when I said "fun and games". I thought I'd tell him and then we'd just get on with our lives. This was waaaaay before I found MB.

As to breaking the sexual thrill. You must know surely that this is all part and parcel of an affair. You are no different from anyone else in that respect. And, you will find when you end it that you were far more emotionally involved than you thought. And that's the real toughie because withdrawal from an affair is unbelievably painful. And when you are ready to end it and start really having a marriage, then you will have all the support from me that you can handle.

In fact as soon as I read your post I thought - that was me. (Slightly different details).

Jen

Txbird -

You question has been answered several times, you just don't like the answer.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> What I want to discuss is how to stop feeling like I need the sexual excitement this man offers. If anyone has any advice on this, please share it. <hr /></blockquote>When you end the A, go through withdrawals that will be painful, and allow yourself to come out of the "fog" you are in, you will no longer feel that you are addicted to having sex with the OM.

I answered your question in one sentence! And I know it is an answer you do not like.

What answer will you accept? A pill, a potion, a prayer? An antidote, a spell, a special suit to wear??? I know I am being flippant, but really . . . what is an acceptable answer to you?

I have supported several WS, and FWW, to both heal themselves and their M's. And I will be honored if I can be a part of your process, as well. But just as an alcoholic's first step to recovery is admitting they need help, your first step is going to be along the lines of "I have no idea what I am doing or feeling, because I am deep into an A that is clouding my judgement. Can you all help me figure this out because I think you might know a bit more about this than I do at the moment."

It is all very overwhelming. It is on the other side of the coin, as well. Small steps forward is the way to go. Beginning to embrace the TRUTH, rather than whatever makes you feel good in the moment.

We all truly want to help you and your M. Hopefully, you will stick around long enough to realize that.

SS

TX,
I will not comment on the specifics of you replies to me, you are clearly in a defensive mode that makes any help from a BS unwelcome to you.

I did not answer with scorn or accusations, only offered that this site will be able to help you when you are ready. This site has a home page with concepts that MB'ers read, understand and give advice accordingly. Honesty and disclosure are important issues here and you will hear them many times over. They are not meant to hurt you, only to help you recover your marriage with no secrets.

As you said, many counselors will advice untruthful recoveries. I hope that you will not go down that path, but it is yours to choose.

I will refrain from any further responses to you, you have some great former WS's who have jumped in to help.

txbird,
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> What I want to discuss is how to stop feeling like I need the sexual excitement this man offers. If anyone has any advice on this, please share it. <hr /></blockquote>I think I can help you with this. DURING my affair, I too wondered how I would survive if I had to live without the OW's body.

I can tell you from experience that your affair relationship is currently surrounded by a protective halo of secrecy. So was mine. I know how you feel. In fact, I've often said that I would have never ended my affair if I hadn't been caught. You are one up on me there. You seem interested in ending it without being caught.

However, once that bubble of secrecy is burst and you watch the pain and devastation of your spouse, the selfishness of what we did begins to show it's true ugliness.

So, a big step towards breaking your "addiction" to the OM is to out your affair to your H. I think you'll be very surprised at quickly the fantastic sex loses its appeal if you have to look into your H's eyes and tell him how good it is.

Right now, there seems to be no downside for you. As long as you maintain that illusion for yourself, the affair will seem downright wonderful. What you don't see is the toll it takes on your H whether you disclose or not. As long as your involved with the OM even just for sex, you cannot be the kind of wife he deserves. I though I was being a good H during my A, but I was only seeing what I wanted to see.

Look at your A as an addiction. How would you break an addiction to cocaine?

YOU'D STOP DOING IT! Sure, cocaine makes you feel good, but it will ultimately own you and destroy your life. YOU'RE AFFAIR IS NO DIFFERENT.

You'll experience withdrawal and severe temptation to go back to the OM. That's why you tell your H. He will hold you accountable to make it harder for you to give in to your addiction.

So, following the advice you've already been given will help you break this unhealthy desire for this man.

Low

Maybe part of the reason I seem to be resisting your advice is that I haven't bought into the idea that marriage builders is the best program for recovery? I have read about a lot of programs and they contradict one another. For example, marriage builders states disclosure must happen for recovery to occur but some others say that disclosing an affair that is over is merely the cheating spouse trying to resolve his/her guilt and causes more harm than good. I like what I have read so far about marriage builders. But then I've liked some of the other programs as well. I think I will continue to lurk here and read about this program. In addition, I will continue with the counseling I'm getting. And if I decide this program is right for my marriage, I will then rejoin the conversations.

txbird,

Yes, I am the BS. And it is still very fresh in my mind. D-Day 6/10/04. But the hardest part of finding out was not the actual A. That happened 28 yrs. ago and was never reapeated!!! H ended it after less than a week. He chose to end it because he chose me. That alone made the choice for me to remain in M a hands down decision.

The hardest part is knowing that the man I have loved for over 30 years of M could look me in the eye and lie so convincingly on how faithful he had been to me. This is a man that I have regarded highly because of his honesty and integrity. Yet, he never gave me the opportunity to make my own decision as to whether or not I should stay or leave. I was denied the choice. He never gave me the opportunity to love him in spite of his weak moment, which would have enriched our M. One of the greatest gifts a person can receive from their spouse is to be loved in spite of all of their mistakes, imperfections, sins and other dark secrets. This is what a real marriage is about.

I am still battling with how I will deal with the years and years of being lied to. How will I ever trust that he is telling me the truth now? I am not there yet, but I am working toward it. I do have 28 years of faithfulness that I am sure is truth. As I learned from JL, Time and Patience is the key.

Don't let your husband be denied the right to the truth. Don't let him have to face this 10 or 20 more years down the road and have to deal with the fact that you continued the betrayal on top of the A. Trust me, lies are just as hard to deal with as the actual deed.

Well, if nothing else, perhaps you can use the MB program to at least get you to:

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> For example, marriage builders states disclosure must happen for recovery to occur but some others say that disclosing an affair that is over is merely the cheating spouse trying to resolve his/her guilt and causes more harm than good. <hr /></blockquote>end the A. I would be interested if you read about one "program" out there that says you can recover your M while you are having an A.

I think the down and dirty is that you know you need to end the A, but you are scared. I understand. Change is scary. BUT, as LowOrbit stated, you sought out a Marriage Builders site, on the Infidelity discussion forum, and began asking questions about rebuilding your M, and getting rid of your desires to have sex with a man other than your H.

I think we all have different "selves" inside of us. You have a self that thinks the A is OK (entitlement), your H doesn't know, you are still a good W, it's just sex. You have another self that feels guilty, knows it is wrong, either because you have read it in the Bible, or from your upbringing, you realize it is not OK to lie and hide and deceive. And you have lots of other selves in there as well.

I think your guilty self is asserting here. It is all baby steps. Just keep lurking like you said, post now and again, and read the stories of the FWW's and see what you identify with.

As a BS, when I read of others getting through the pain of betrayal, and the rollercoaster of recovery, it gave me hope that I could be a success story, too. We are a very large (37,000+ members) support system - and to some extent, no matter what you have done or what you are feeling, you can find someone who has been there, done that.

SS

Txbird,
You wrote:

~”About six months into my affair, my husband and I discovered a way to come together again. He has done a number of things that I have read about on this board. I don't know if he has read about them too, but he seems to be practicing them. We are so close now and I don't want to lose us again. However I haven't ended the affair.”~

So what you want now is for people around here to convince you to end your affair? And why would that be? It sounds to me as if you’re happy with things just as they are. You don’t seem to want the affair to end or else you wouldn’t still be cheating and lying, so what’s your point?

By your own admission, it’s your H who has taken the initiative to make the changes in your marriage that are positive. Why didn’t you ever take the initiative? He’s the one that seems to be looking for ways to re-connect and make the relationship work. You seem to be pleased with his efforts; yet, you don’t seem to want to do your share. You say that you’ve made compromises as well; yet, you don’t want to stop cheating. Instead, you’ve decided that exploring “your sexuality” with an OM is more important.

I’m sorry but I have great difficulty believing in your sincerity. In any case, if by some chance you are serious and do want to save your marriage, here’s a thought that you might want to consider. All you need to do is stop being with the OM. It’s that simple. You just stop doing it.

coach

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by txbird:
 My husband will forgive me. 

This is the 3rd time I've read this from you- don't be too sure about that-you can NEVER guess how someone will react to an admission of an A.

Why is it that the betrayed spouse is believed to be the one hurt the most by an affair? I have been hurt by this affair. I don't know whose pain will be the greatest, but I do know that both of us are being hurt. As the cheating spouse I have created and deserve this pain, but that doesn't mean the pain is any less for me. I wish I was the betrayed spouse. 

"fogfogfog fog fogfog fog fogfogfog"

Why?

Maybe because the BS had no say in what you did to their life. Maybe because you took a precious gift (your H's trust) and bashed it around with abolutely no regard to his feelings.

 What I need to know is how to deal with what I'm doing and finding my way out of it with as minimal harm as can occur. <hr /></blockquote>Good luck with that. But perhaps you should have thought about the ending BEFORE you had actually started the A. There is NO WAY you can minimize the harm you have done to you M or your H and even to yourself- to do so would totally disrespect your H and your M.

Hi,My name is R.M.U. I am on here because i also had an affair on my husband of 4yrs.With an ex-boyfriend i never really got over and is still going on.Emotionally anyways.I do love my husband but my feelings for my ex has not changed all these years we have been apart which is 8 yrs.i have written a no contact letter to him and that didn,t work i could not stay away and the sex something out of this world.Someone once told me you can,t have your cake and eat it to.I love them both with all my heart and one or both have to go.all i can say to you is follow your heart not the libido and you will find your answer as i hope i will.All the best to you i hope this helped you out.R.M.U.

txbird:

I am curious about this statment:

"What I get from the affair is sexual adventure."

What kind of Sexual adventure are you into? Can't you do the same with your husband? Let us know because it may help our opinions.

Txbird,

You asked for prayers. Will do, happily. However, they are prayers that you will open your heart and listen to God, not prayers that you can get out of the consequences of your A. God will turn all things for His good. You just have to make His choices from now on.

As a BS, I break out into a rash and get all itchy and stuffed up whenever I read a WS wanting to get out of consequences. It’s normal, I suppose. But, geeeez lady, give the people here who have gone through what you and your H will go through, even if you never tell him, some credit for intelligence and caring please.

Oh, and spare us the protestations of not wanting to hurt your H any more. He is already hurt and doesn’t even have a chance to alleviate it. Not telling him is as selfish as having the A in the first place.

Why will he suffer anything if you do not tell, you ask? The terrible secret you hold will stifle your M. It is true. It will prevent the two of you from becoming a wonderfully connected and loving couple. No more growth. A Stunted Relationship forever more. No doubt about it. But you apparently already know this from the title you gave your thread. So why the hesitation?

You obviously feel guilty. You will remain guilty for the rest of your life if you do not confess. You implied that very thing when you said telling is only for the WS to alleviate their guilt. Well then, that’s what you better do, don’t you think? Do it for yourself. Then atone by helping your H recover and bulding a new and better M.

Lastly, be wary of a therapist that recommends keeping this a secret. It is so typical for people to search out the advice they want to hear in the first place. If a counselor gives you advice that sounds too good to be true, too easy by half, then it is. Doing the right thing will not be easy. Any counselor that recommends otherwise needs to come here and learn about reality. In fact, send them here and let me at ‘em.

T

[ August 25, 2004, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Thos ]