Question about an unpleasant separation issue

[ September 25, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

My understanding is that a legal separation is when health insurance is kept for the seperated spouse. One of the perks of a legal sep. vs a divorce.
If your employer were not your family....it would not be an issue for the employer. Your employer/family is personalizing this. It would normally be between your H and you only as to what to do.

Hopefully someone more knowledgable than I will pipe in here.

[ September 03, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: picklesaresour ]

[ September 25, 2004, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

They think that once we are legally separated they have the legal right to terminate him from the policy. I don't think they have the legal right to do this, but I'm not sure.

pemberly,

I do not think that they can remove him from the insurance if you are separated. Even IF you divorce, he is carried under COBRA until he has other insurance...with a time limit of course.

If they provide insurance for you under a company name ...as opposed to a "personal" policy they could get in trouble for dropping him...at least I think so.

It might behoove you to talk to them about keeping business separate from personal issues.

JMHO
committed

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> But they say the separation between work/family doesn't apply here, and they will do nothing to help him. They see allowing him to stay on company insurance as helping him.
<hr /></blockquote>If they are covering you (and him) under a policy that gives them a cut rate for "employees" it certainly does apply. They cannot pick and choose what they are going to do as a business...and what they are going to do as "personal"..not when they are getting certain breaks by claiming it as "business" expenses.

Do they have an attorney for the business?

It couldn't hurt to ask him/her.

committed

[ September 25, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

Wow!
I don't know what to say!

I suppose you don't want to threaten them back with legal action since you are dependant on them....?!

How very cruelhearted and spiteful they are being...AT YOUR EXPENSE (throwing the rest of the employees into the stew)!!

Yikes!

[ September 03, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: picklesaresour ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> they now tell me if they can't legally force him off the policy, they will cancel the group health insurance policy, and all 15 employees plus their dependents will lose their insurance (including me). <hr /></blockquote>That doesn't make any sense! (Not that I don't believe they didn't say that to you.) They could "loose" up to 15 employees because insurance could be part of the reason they decided to work for "the company".

LEGALLY you have to maintain health insurance until the blessing of a judge's divorce gavel. YOU could be held responsible payment of medical bills if insurance is dropped.

You need a LEGAL person to bounce this off of. Knowledge is power.

Call your local court house and speak with the clerk of the district court or the judges office to verify the law and your responsiblity where you are. Tell them your dilemma.

Either way your parents are really putting the squeeze to you, that has to be VERY tough!!!

Make that call!!!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />It's just getting worse- they now tell me if they can't legally force him off the policy, they will cancel the group health insurance policy, and all 15 employees plus their dependents will lose their insurance (including me). They say I should tell H I won't have him on my policy, and they can't believe I would be selfish enough to make all these other people lose their insurance over that!!! <hr /></blockquote>AND, your parents would lose their business after everyone of those employees SUED them. They cannot do that...they simply cannot. I think that they are just trying to scare and intimidate you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ask them if they are willing to risk the ENTIRE business just to get one over on him.

Can you tell them that they are behaving childishly, that you expected more from them as your parents?

JMHO
committed

I'm going to take another side here.

He chose to have an affair; he chose to force a separation.

Let him have the consequences. One can still be loving without appeasement. I just read Love Must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. I wish I would have taken that approach during my plan A.

Let him feel the results of his decision. State you want reconciliation, you love him, but these are the results of his decision. I don't see a problem here, it's your parents business, let them conduct it as they see fit. If they are breaking some obscure law, let your husband seek remedy for it.

JMHO

[ September 03, 2004, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]

On my divorce papers, it states that insurance cannot be cancelled. My attorney told me that it was standard practice. If they do cancel the policy, you would be held liabel for his medical expenses.

I agree your parents are acting horribly. I understand they hurt because you hurt but if they don't watch out, they'll not only lose a son in law, they could lose a daughter. It seems pemberley, you didn't leave your parents when you married your husband and now you're moving back in with them. They see you as a child and not an adult. It could greatly damage your relationship with them and your mental health.

I would advise you to search harder for a place to live other than at home. You've already said your husband will not be welcomed there and it would definately end any possiblity of reconciliation. Surely, there's a place where you could rent a room very cheaply. Some people have mother in law apartments in their home for rent or some people just rent out a bedroom in their home. I think you need to search more. There's a solution out there and don't think it's not. You've just got to look.

[ September 25, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

[ September 25, 2004, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

Making separation easier and more comfortable for him prevents reconciliation. I was scared and I did the same thing. Now my WW owns her own house. A little tougher to return to this one now that she feels settled.

Your inlaws will feel the same way about your H whether or not the ins. is cancelled. Why not call a pro ie. Penny Tupy or the Harleys to get their take on it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I don't see a problem here, it's your parents business, let them conduct it as they see fit. If they are breaking some obscure law, let your husband seek remedy for it.
<hr /></blockquote>It might be her parent's business...but it's pemberly who could answer for it if they drop him. I just think that her parents could be a little bit more understanding of HER position...not necessarily his.

JMHO
committed

Committed,

I don't for a minute suggest that Pemberly compromise her financial well being, but that would be the only reason for not dropping the insurance. Her argument seems solely based on trying not to rock WH's boat. I feel that position is counter productive.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Her argument seems solely based on trying not to rock WH's boat. <hr /></blockquote> <blockquote>quote:<hr /> he would continue to pay for my cell phone since it has a contract with an early termination fee, and it's in his name. <hr /></blockquote>

There's a fine line between a reason and an excuse.

Hi Pemberly. I’m new, so I read your posts trying to figure out what is going on in your situation. I’m still trying to figure out the problem, can you explain for me?

In one section I find you complaining that NO ONE is against your husband-

“It really bothers me that there is no condemnation, no disapproval, at all, from either family or friends. I exposed the infidelity to his mother (he doesn't know she knows), and she has paid for him to get set up in his new place this past week,”

“She thinks he's making a mistake by leaving me, but she seems to be afraid of saying too much and "alienating" him, so I don't think he'll get too much disapproval from her. …... This isn't quite the advice I was hoping she would give him, but I guess it could have been worse- she could be encouraging him.”

“EVERYONE is acting like his behavior is acceptable, even appropriate, and NO ONE, except for me (who of course he won't listen to) has told him he's in the wrong. And he's just soaking it up.”

Then in several sections you complain because your parents ARE against him-

“But they say the separation between work/family doesn't apply here, and they will do nothing to help him. They see allowing him to stay on company insurance as helping him. “

“My parents want me to move in, but they have so many conditions. They are furious at my WH, refuse to be around him, and they have said they will do nothing to facilitate or encourage a reconciliation between us.”

“I wanted to put in my own phone line so H can contact me at any time (cell phone won't work there), but they have refused because they see that as encouraging a reconciliation.”

“They think what he has done is unforgivable (and they don't even know everything!), and they don't understand why I, even now, continue to be kind and loving. They say I'm a doormat, that he uses and manipulates me.”

”Maybe they're right, I don't know. They tell me I'm not thinking clearly, that I've made a lot of bad decisions in how to deal with the situation. I disagree with them, but I'm so confused right now, I don't really know who's right.”

”I just hate being in a position where they can control what I do- they said they won't stop me from doing anything with/for my H, but they also won't help or encourage me in reconciling. I think as long as I am staying with them they will make it as difficult they can for me to spend time with H and communicate with him. I'm an adult, there's not but so much they can do- I just hate living in that environment, around constant negativity about my H and marriage.”

Do you want people to be upset over your husband’s behavior, or not?

His mother paid for his new place to leave you, even knowing about his infidelity (sorry, I have to go farther back in the posts to get more information on details) that you told her about……you are bothered that there is NO “condemnation or disapproval”.

Your parents don’t want to help him in any way- you are bothered because there IS “condemnation and disapproval”.

Which do you want? You said you are the only one who has told him he is wrong- have your parents confronted him on your behalf? They are so angry but they don’t know everything? I have to go back farther into the old posts and see what he has done.

I don’t understand what your parents are saying about moving in with them. Is there no phone where they live, or are you not allowed to use the phone? Do you think they will intercept mail sent to you? Do you have transportation so you can meet your husband away from their house, or will they keep you from leaving someway? What are the other conditions you mentioned that your parents had for your moving in with them? You say they refuse to “facilitate or encourage reconciliation”- what does that mean? What are they refusing to do exactly?

They must not be too extreme because you also posted-“they said they won't stop me from doing anything with/for my H, but they also won't help or encourage me in reconciling “ Why must they? If they don’t interfere with your decisions for yourself, should you try to interfere with their decisions? If they are as angry at your husband as you think, and still will not try to stop you from doing anything with/for your husband, that doesn’t sound too controlling to me! Sound like they are trying to control what they can, though- the insurance seems a bit petty- but you said they were going to talk to their insurance agent or someone, so maybe they will get some good advice and solve this problem.

Are there any other areas where they refuse to help you, or is it just pertaining to your husband? Are you close to your parents, or were you before this argument started?

Your expectations seem reversed. I would expect YOUR family to be against your unfaithful husband, and I am not surprised that HIS family is going along with him. You seem upset, wanting YOUR family to support in some way and HIS family to condemn. I hope my daughter never has to deal with the marital problems I have to face. I think it would be as hard, if not harder, to watch my daughter suffer this way as it is to deal with myself.

This looks too long. Sorry.

[ September 04, 2004, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: RoadLessTraveled ]

[ September 25, 2004, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

[ September 25, 2004, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

Pemb .... I'm sorry I didn't read your whole thread .... I don't know if anyone else mentioned this or not ....

Your family is looking out for your best interest ... however "emotionally" black mail is not a good tool for anyone to use (in ref to terminating the entire policy b/c of him). Guilt much!!!! Anyway maybe explain it is a "legal separation' and these are terms you agreed on. Example the Cell phone and the Med Ins. and anything else of an agreement between you and him. Your family shouldn't put in a position to of all or nothing. What would happen is you reconcile???? Are you out of a job too????

Any way, my $.02 .... I'm sorry if I hit topics covered already.... I will read thread when I have time.

Good luck

Brown

[ September 25, 2004, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I eavesdropped on a conversation today. They talked to their insurance agent today and he told them to drop me to part-time, then I will lose my insurance (and my husband's). That's what they're planning to do. <hr /></blockquote>You know, that really disturbs me.

Can you ask them what would happen to you if (god forbid) you got sick and needed to go to the hospital?

For one moment they need to remove him from the entire equation and do what is in YOUR best interests...as in HEALTH CARE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What type of parent would take your health care from you so that they don't have to cover the WS of that same child?

God forbid if you had had a child with this man...I guess they would have taken its health care too.

You need to get to the bottom of THEIR issues. You are working for them....you are ENTITLED to health care when they give it to other employees.

It is inexcusable in my book.

committed

Adding a few questions...

Are your parents controllers?

Did they have a part in the demise of your marriage?

Did you H have issue with them being involved in your marriage?

Something just isn't right with it.

If the above answers can be "yes"...then you might need to remove yourself from them in whatever way you can.

Do NOT work in the family business...find another job.

Do NOT engage with them on anything between your H and you.

Do NOT live with them...get out no matter where you have to live...even if a shelter.

You are an adult...you are in charge of your life. You do not have to succumb to emotional blackmail like this...you really don't.

It might be hard...but it would be worth it in the end if you manage to shag them and their controlling nature.

JMHO
committed