Here is my journal entry from Feb 1996... 1 month post D-day. I began by making a list of my "requirements for return" to send to my WH (who was staying at his mother's house).... and I started writing "I think that ...." ... when I read it aloud to myself, I realized how weak and UNcertain I was... so... I started the list over, this time beginning each item with "I am CERTAIN that....".

I post this here today to get some of you to think.... especially the BS who cannot commit to a plan .... What are you certain of?

I did finish this list and mailed it to my H ....it shows some of my ~~cough~~ firery nature at the time... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Remember... this was before I had a computer, and had never heard of MB.... so, it's pretty rough.... but, I look at it as my Plan B letter.... of a sorts. Hence, there is a lack of "love letter" theme, and there are DJ's (for sure) .... but, I think it is an interesting and valuable exercise for the betrayed to make a list of things they are certain they require in order for the marriage to recover.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1. I am certain I do not want a marriage partner who gives lip service to Christian values and behaves the opposite.

2. I am certain I do not want a chemically dependant partner.

3. I am certain I do not want my children to learn ethics and behaviors from a morally and spiritually bankrupt father.

4. I am certain I do not want sexual intimacy with a man who is not able to overcome the temptations of another woman, no matter how powerful they may be.

5. I am certain I deserve a faithful, loving, hard working partner who is capable of true intimacy and genuine love and respect.

6. I am certain that I will not tolerate weak excuses for immoral behavior such as "a bad childhood", or "it was an addiction", or "it was a mistake".

7. I am certain I will hold myself responsible for my own happiness, my own mistakes which occured as a result of my choices.

8. I am certain that I can step back from an unhealthy relationship.

9. I am certain I will not stay in a bad marriage for fear of being alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, what are YOU certain of?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hihi dear Pep.. still <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> about your "déjà mooooh (meeeeuh?) joke".. but this is not the bull I have heard before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...

This is what I have learned after D-Day: I am certain that
- life isn't a "certain" thing so we can only trust in God to do things Her way
- being a good person doesn't mean taking cràp
- I will be more careful who I will consider a "friend" (OW was my "best friend")
- good people can do stupid and selfish things
- fog exists, and not just in England <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
- God works in very mysterious ways
- I'm glad I discovered MB (thanks all)
- I'm not crazy, just a little moooooooh
- this list isn't final
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep,
You never cease to amaze. This is a great thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

1. In my pursuit for a happy M & family, bettering myself is the first step

2. I can control my emotions

3. LB's are not a personality trait, but a changeable habit

4. A servant leader is the model for a better husband and father

5. Laughter is indeed the best medicine

6. Intimacy and sex are NOT synonyms

7. I will not be a doormat or a dictator

8. Love may be unconditional, but remaining M is a choice

9. I'd rather be M than be right

10. A truly spiritual man is never lonely

This one...

10. A truly spiritual man is never lonely

simply took my breath away.......

I might add

11. A truly spiritual woman shall not fear.

Pep

Well I loved your list so much pep that I will just say....DITTO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

O

hey Pep- nice list- nothing is certain but this moment but I liked your list. in THE WORD there is no guarantee of tomorrow but "God willing"... so onward I plow- in THE WORD, KNOWING and SURE that the Lord will see me through and HIS justice will prevail. I place the chaos and lies at the foot of the cross where I have placed my life and pray. for all of us here at MB-for my family and the planet. Each day I am astounded at HIS gifts and equally astounded at mans level of depravity- a double edged sword this earth we inhabit.

oh! there is something I am certain of...I would certainly like to hear from you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

PEACE OUT...and IN!

Hi Pepperband,

Loved your "I'm certain" list!

I'm certain that I want and deserve to be married to an honost, Christian, faithful man, a man who loves me enough to pursue AND keep me.

And no matter how lonely I feel at times, I really would rather be single than to settle for less than what I really want and deserve.

I'm also CERTAIN that I AM loved - by God.

Pep, brownhair & FM: thanks for sharing truly personal feelings. They are deep, spiritual, and should be values, morals, and direction of any human being. I sorta did the same--from a FWS side of things ("What I have learned in the last 2 1/2 months") but I feel I fall short from the spirituality that you have and continue to express on each of your posts. (Brownhair, I think you make a good point: " - this list isn't final." Reminds of a magnet my Mom still (after 20 years!) has on her fridge: pic of caterpillar, saying, "Be patient with me. God isn't finished with me yet!"
I admire all of you!

(Little threadjack: Hey FM! How have you been doing?!?! We have been wondering how things are going. Maybe an update thread? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Hi Pep -

among other things,

I am certain that I admire you.

I am certain that without this forum, I would not be where I am today (emotionally).

I am certain that nothing can prevent me from having a positive outlook on my life.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
WAT
------------
No matter where you go, there you are.

Great post pep....

Can't add much else except..

I'm certain that I am sick of hurricanes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm certain that I have been blessed waaaay beyond what I deserve.

God Bless,

The hurricane did it-sorry!

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: Fishracer ]</small>

Hurricane Again!

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: Fishracer ]</small>

Awesome Post PEP and others!

d_rose: Ditto these hurricanes! Winds are 50+ at the moment, gusts to 70. Supposed to get worse!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Here are a few of my own:

1. I am certain that I do not want a marriage partner who is emotionally dependent on me.

2. I am certain that I do not know God's plan; despite my ridiculous efforts to do it myself!

3. I am certain that I will not allow this terrible, horrible experience to ruin my faith in marriage and all it stands for; and believe that is part of God's plan!

Thanks!

FR

What am I certain of -

I am certain that I will always have a close, loving relationship with my DD, and her future children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am certain that I never want to live without sunshine, music, my sisters and my girlfriends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am certain that I will spend the rest of my life giving back to the universe by offering help and support to any who might need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am certain that I will have a loving relationship with a man who respects, honours and cherrishes me, and I him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And I am certain that "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now" Thank you Bob Dylan "My Back Pages" (I love that)

I am certain despite the As, DDay etc, I am still being watched over by God, and He gives me new blessings everyday.

I am certain as long as I follow Him, I will not be lost <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is too good to get buried on Page 3.

I am certain I want a partner who is able to be honest with me - in all aspects of life.

I am certain I will not "settle" for less than 100% honesty.

I am certain I am a good person, and while responsible for certain shortcomings in my marriage am not responsible for the fact that my H had an affair.

I am certain that I want a partner who enthusiastically wants to be my partner and who will be willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes to make a successful and rewarding marriage.

I am certain that God has chosen this hurdle in my life to bring me closer to Him and to teach me valuable lessons.

I am certain that happiness is within me and not created by being with another individual.

I am certain that the friendships I have developed along this journey - in spite of this horrible personal experience - will change my life forever. In fact, they already have, and are, as I write this.

I am certain that Pep is one smart cookie for getting us to think about this stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />