Melody Lane,

I copied part of your response to Bob. HOW did you move forward?


"I know all these feelings WELL, Bob. As I endured them for about 18 months. They would come in cycles. I would build up, explode, feel better, build up, explode........... The explosions became milder every month and then I started skipping them.

After about a year and a half a good friend pointed out to me: "Mel, you are just LOOKING for grievances." And he was right. It was then that I decided to move forward, my grieving was done. Since that moment, I have concentrated on making my marriage GREAT because we are now in the black. And you will get in the black, Bob, but you have to recover first."


I guess I'm at the 16 month point and this is exactly what I do. I'm at the bottom of this cycle. If my marriage fails now I think it will be because of my obsessing over all the crap. I can't seem to stop myself from playing over all the betrayal. It's like a film that never stops. I know I'm only hurting us with all the explosions.

Thanks

MK

MK, when I say explosion, I am referring to an internal explosion. Sometimes I talked to my H about my feelings, but I did it without lovebusters. He was pretty patient with me, fortunately.

Is your H doing everything in his power to help you get through this? If he is, then you just have to wait for time to heal it. I sure wasn't over it in 16 months, I still had images in my head and still thought about it. It took longer than that to get to the point where I no longer thought about about.

Is my husband doing everything within his power to help me get through this?

I don't know. I'm feel sure he would say he is. We have made good progress. I was reading some old posts yesterday that were a year old. Wow, have we come a long way.

He's much more affectionate with me. He seems to have remembered why he married me in the first place. We've been doing lots of things together.

Of course, he certainly would prefer not to talk about A stuff. I really don't bring it up that much.

My problem is when I start "think" about it. I still get so angry. He can tell.

At what time frame did you stop thinking about it so much? Any idea of how much time in your day was spent thinking of things related to the A when you were about 16 months out?

What about now?

Thanks
MK

MK, I never think about it now. And when I do, I have no reaction. It just doesn't bother me now. I DO have triggers, though, and have overreactive jealousy in some situations. But I recognize it as such and nip it in the bud.

I think I was still thinking about it around 16 months. But I also recall that was around the time a friend of mine pointed out to me that I was "looking for grievances." And he was right.

I was hanging onto my fury and looking for a new reason to kick him out every month. That realization helped me back off a bit and start focusing on the GOOD. I had completely ignored all the good things in my marriage and that really fueled my anger with a lopsided view.

MK, there came a point where I realized that I was taking an unnatural comfort in my fury. It became like a way of life for me. So much so that I was blind to anything good in my life. I had to retrain my thinking to a more positive course. THAT BEING SAID, I think it is a normal part of recovery to feel anger.

But there comes a time when that anger becomes an impediment to recovery and no longer serves a purpose. That time is what you will have to determine on your own. For me, I KNEW it had become destructive and it was time to part ways with my fury.