Help me! I am at an all time low.

FIL said I need to cut my losses. Said he told D (WW) same thing.

A had been going on 4 years (despite moving away). My moving out exposed continuation and may have finally brought about NC (despite some false starts)

However, with 2 apt rents, a huge home renovation loan (i.e. Extreme Home Makeover - good timing huh?) plus credit card debt, we are in financial trouble. I asked my family for help (like in the past). WW knew I was, but she has flown into a rage since I told her I opened my own checking acct (other one is joint).

I asked FIL to speak with her. He says she does not "get it" and will not until she hits rock bottom. He recommends we divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I do not want to end my M. I love my wife. I do not want to separate from my kids or put them through this.

However unless we are BOTH willing to change then the unhealthiness of our M will continue and we will probably be bankrupt - financially, emotionally and spiritually.

Can you save your M by D? Maybe even remarrying somewhere down the road? I know this has happened. Did any plan this outcome when the choose to D?

I remember my lawyer once said - you do not file divorce in order to change the other person. You file when the M is over. Good advice I thought at the time.

Any success stories out there?

My entire sitch: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=023521

Thanks in advance for the help.

wwjd now

WWjd now,

Frankly, given all that has happened even since you came to this site, I think it is probably time for you to let go. You have tried all that you can try and you have done all you can do. She will not let go of OM, and it has been years now and you have known about it for years. If in the future something were to change then remarrying is an option, but you don't have much to work on right now.

Your FIL may well be right.

God Bless,

JL

WWJD -

Hi! I filed a D to both protect my kids and to try to get my WW to rethink her position: it didn't work in my situation, but I suggest you search and look up Mortarman's story - his DID work.....

Here's what I think is most important to keep in mind: God does what is right for those who love Him. You've done what you could to save your M, but there is a time when D is the right thing to do - check out how Paul explains it is Corinthians. God is with you, and sometimes - even tho we don't understand or like His plan, we still can trust that what He does.....is exactly the right thing for us....

Hi JL!

David

I'm in a similar situation, but different. My WW is filing for divorce next week. Her plan is for us to date afterward and maybe fall in love then. But right now she says she can't be controlled by anyone and needs to be free of any control. She wants to still date me, and be friends and visit every two weeks... read my story. I've been counseling with Steve Harley, and I think he's the one that mentioned 20% of the people who get divorced, get remarried. I think Steve's goal is to try to save our marriage before it gets to D completely.

In our state, once divorce is filed, it takes at least 90 days to be complete, usually longer, up to 18 months. I told her I would not contest it initially to show support fo her feeling of being trapped, but asked her to talk to Steve Harley with me at the same time. If we have progress before the 90 days is up, we can still stop the divorce. I'm thinking it will be longer. But if there is no progress and we cannot reconcile, We shouldn't be married anyway. We both have to be happy.

It's going to be expensive (D) for both of us, but it would be worse for you given your current situation. At least summer is coming for the house construction.

My wife's EA and PA only lasted about a month before it was discovered. Physical contact was eliminated immediately, and phone and E-Mail contact have almost ceased.... apparently. She still carries a torch for him and feels all alone in Europe. Unfortunately she's incredibly pretty and gets hit on all the time, so I'm taking anothe risk if she thinks she's more free to explore.

I think my strategy is unique, but I can't stop her from filing, and forcing her to summons me would kind of hamper the reconciliation process right now

If you have the time and money, you might want to consult Steve Harley on this one. Of course I would be glad to hear if the Divorce then remarry route worked for anyone here.

Post deleted by againstallodds

wwjd now,

I went throug a D because of exH's A - I just couldn't let go, too much damage was done. I never fell out of love with my exH at the time we were divorcing ... but at the same time, I felt that there would always be that harsh pain, that I would be unable to forgive and forget and ultimately let go.

Well, guess what? After the D, exH changed. Everything about him that I disliked, he changed. It's like losing me and our M made him a better person. Isn't that how it always seems to work - they only change after it is too late?

I married again, too soon, to someone I am ill-suited to. I wish that I had waited, given my exH another chance. I know exH feels the same way, too. Now it's too late for us. Please don't be the person who gets into another M after you D, if this is the case. I do think that it can work out, but it's a roll of the dice. You and your W might end up together, or you might end up with someone totally new. Just make sure you give it plenty of time and make the right decision. I did not, and I regret it each day.

[color:"purple"] What did/ do you do that makes them hate you? (always have hated you) [/color]

Pep

Does it scare you that people, including your own father don't see any hope for your marriage?

Why are you more concerned about WWJD's behavior and crimes against the marriage than your own? Does his behavior justify yours, in your mind?

Why are you so focused on your in-laws' behavior in this situation, when your own father says what he says about you and your behavior in the marriage?

What do YOU want or intend to do in order to turn your marriage from the track that it's on?

Please see new thread with "just learning"