I have read the books on saving my marriage (we have been separated 12 days - not that anyone is counting). I have read all the posts here for a month. I have even downloaded the BS (not betrayed spouse) from the internet on saving my marriage when I'm the only one trying. Here's my question: Many books instruct me not to talk about our relationship when my wife calls. They say keep the conversation happy and light. However, my wife always wants to know about our MC which we go to individually. Then she sounds depressed. Has anyone been in such a situation? What you would guys and gals do?

Welcome to MB, Huck! So you are separated but not dealing with infidelity? My suggestion is reading His Needs Her Needs by Harley. Have you read through the site and about plan A? Have you and your W taken the EN questionaire? Those are really good places to start. Can you tell us why you are separated?

faithful, as you might guess, my wife is currently not real sure that she is "into" our marriage. I have ordered the book and read the first chapter online. Read everything on this site and many others. We have had a stressful year with much fighting...I have let loose with some serious LBs. In Jan, she says she may want a divorce. Says the magic is gone and she loves me but is not in love with me. Been in MC since then. Two weeks ago, she says she wants to separate to "work on herself" and "decide" what she wants. Now the phone calls. Sounds good at the start then we talk marriage (which she asks about). Suddenly, she cannot get off the phone soon enough. I worry that she has feelings for her boss but have no proof. Your ideas?

Hi Huck - welcome to MB...

If you want my advice, I would proceed as tho she were having and affair, and work up a good plan A. I'm not advocating any confrontation - you have no proof that an affair exists - so don't force the issue. Instead, begin work on yourself - simply learn who you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are and work on them - improve the good, abandon the bad.

If you can get her to take the EN test, go for it, but I'll bet you can probably do it for her - try starting by just listening to her - she is giving you clues in your conversations about what she needs and wants from you. The fact that she sound depressed is a sure sign that she IS involved in the marriage - even if she is SAYING something different. You just need to be kind, careful and understanding, and let time pass for you - you will learn a lot over the next few weeks.

By approaching your relationship to her as tho she is having an affair, you will have the advantage of working on your relationship in a way that will build it up. Use the tools from this website - and get the books! It may turn out that she is not having an affair (hopefully!) but the work you put into the marriage - the work you do ON YOURSELF - will pay off in the end - regardless of the outcome in your relationship.

In my thoughts...

David

By staying away from the R talk and working on you, you w/b giving your WS a better pix of you as her spouse. She needs to miss and want you. If you grovel for her attention or try to 'fix her' she will withdraw to the A where it is filling her WS need. Not her wife need but a sick WS need.

Read the book Surviving an Affair. Then read His needs/Her needs. Both are by Dr. W. Harley. You need to learn how the opposite sex communicates and what you must do to combat the A.

L.

Is she having an affair? She is saying all the classic things that someone in an affair says. Have you snooped on her? Does she have any "special friends?" Anything on her cell phone bill? I smell a rat.

An affair by your wife is a distinct possibility. Unless you show proof that she is not in an affair, I believe that she is from all that you have said that she said.

As for Marriage Counseling....you are NOT in marriage counseling. You may be in Individual Counseling, but that is vastly different from Marriage Counseling.

MC is for the COUPLE, jointly. IC is for "YOU." IC is to make "YOU" a "better person," but not designed to save or improve your marriage.

Bottom line, if your wife is interested in your marriage and in working to save it, then you both need to be in JOINT Marriage Counseling immediately with a trained MC who is committed to saving marriages.

BUT, you first need to determine IF there really is an affair. If there is, NOTHING you do while an affair is ongoing will "save your marriage."

God bless.

bump Huck you still out there?