quick update: the D is proceeding because H and I can't come to a POJA on a post-nup -- it seems that POJA has always been a problem for us, meaning that IMO H just can't think it terms of POJA, it's more like POHW (Policy of whatever Husband Wants) -- I have often felt that my H has a double-standard on everything, it's OK if he does one thing but not OK if I do it

So how do I respond to his recent comments:

F?WH: I'm not sure I can trust you during reconciliation - that you won't Dv me and go after all my $.
Me: I'm not interested in talking about Dv, I'm interested in talking about our plan for R.
F?WH: I you love me, you would sign the post-nup agmt, otherwise how can I trust you?
Me: The post-nup covers your concerns, and I'm happy to address those concerns, but the agmt shoudl also address my concerns - that's only fair.
F?WH: Why do you have to make things so difficult? It's a simple thing. You are breaking your promises to me by not agreeing to an easy settlement and by trying to put in these other terms about counseling, etc- I can't trust you enough to try reconciliation unless I know that you won't go after my $.
Me: (trying to maintain my position and explain that the agmt needs to address both of our concerns, not just his $ concerns)
F?WH: (getting more frustrated, angry, says he "CANNOT UNDERSTAND why I want to put those other things in this agmt" that it makes not sense, repeats about some "promise" to settle things quickly (I never, ever agreed to this)) and says: "You say one thing, then do another, I can't trust you!"
Me: (incredibly hurt & angry, so I say:...) For you to say that to your wife after you have broken your M vows is offensive, hypocritcal and shameful. Good bye.

(OK - I know, big, big, big LB here - I've been so good for soooo long, but I just hit a wall with the pain.)

Now my H keeps calling, some nice messages, some not so nice. Then he sends me an email saying...

F?WH: "I'm sorry I made you cry - I hate to hear that. I love you and want you to be happy." H wants to meet me tonight to talk.

How do I respond?? Do I say ... then please show me that love with actions - work with me to help us have a great M and life together. (?)

Make a list of what you want in the post-nup.

Can I recommend couselling???

I did put together a list - that is what the dispute is about. Counseling is one of the list items.

He says he WILL do those things, but refuses to put it in writing. (???) I don't understand his reluctance and he doesn't understand why I want these things in the post-nup.

How do I respond when he says he loves me??? What should I say back without it being a LBuster?

I would be concerned about him saying:

MY money. Is this a marriage, we are a couple, type of mentality?

butterscotch..

what is he talking about??

What are the concrete laws in your state that are applicable to any divorce...

whatever the law says...is the starting point of entitlement...

why does he insist on powerstruggling the law??

ARK

Ark - the standard is equitable distribution, not 50/50% (I think it's called community property), which means the court has some discretion on what I could get - it's ambigious depending on various factors (length of M, etc, etc) ... so, I could get 50%, or 25%, or 65% or ??

any suggestions on how to say things??? thanks

Are the issues that he's got concerns with about money? It sounds to me like the things that he's got issues with have nothing to do with the reasons he's got issues. In other words, I see "he's afraid I'm going to go after his money", but what I see you saying is in the post nup is 'counseling'. What are his SPECIFIC, line by line issues? And why?

If he says he's going to do it, then simply reply "great, then you'll have no problem with it being documented here!".

Very simple here...don't let him get you distracted with vague statements and issues. Deal with specifics.

Owl - his specific issue is that he doesn't want anything but the $ issues in the post-nup.

Owl said "If he says he's going to do it, then simply reply "great, then you'll have no problem with it being documented here!"."
-- we had this exact same conversation and he said no, he doesn't want it in the pre-nup and he feels I'm trying to water-down the $ issues (???) -- again, it's POHW and anything else is incomprehensible or suspicious to him -- what seems logical/fair to me is not to him, hense no POJA, just POHW ...sigh

sorry, I'm just INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATED -- I need a psych degree to deal w/ F?WH

any last minute advice before I meet with him??

Again...just tell him that "this is OUR marriage, not just his alone. You have as much input to the post-nup as he does. If he wants to focus on money, fine...he's more than welcome to do so. But since YOU know the issues are more than just money, YOU want a focus on the other aspects of this as well. And if he's going to agree to these terms anyway, what is the possible harm of including them into the post-nup? Now...if what you're really trying to do is to avoid doing these things...then we've got a problem."

And then just go on each specific line. If he says he doesn't want it in there, then make him spell out precisely why THAT specific item shouldn't be in there...and again, remind him that these are YOUR requirements, just as the money stuff is HIS requirements.

It sounds like to me that he's not serious about the marriage, only his $$. Typical of a WS who has not fully been defogged nor maybe can be. It's all ME, ME, ME!!!

I suggest you make your decisions on what gets you the best financial deal. It sounds like you can do a LOT better than this jerk for a husband.

WAT

Butterscotch,

My opinion only as a guy.

Somebody is looking for an easy out.....plain and simple.

He wants a guilt-free escape hatch...screw that!

It is YOUR money too Darling. I personally wouldn't sign Sh**. Why would you? What is the motivation? To keep your marriage together? This seems like a fast track way to end it. What is HIS motivation for it?

My simple answer?

"Hun, I'm not signing it. I'm sorry you don't trust me. This agreement makes me feel like you aren't going to try and make this marriage a success, it seems to me that this is just a set-up for divorce. You are brushing all my concerns under the rug and claiming they aren't important, only what you want is important. Besides Darling, I'm no lawyer, I don't know what is fair or isn't, I've never been in this situation before"

thats it...but if it were actually me talking to my ex? I would have added this...

"I love you but I will be ruthless if it ends...fair warning"

Butter, I can understand YOU wanting one claiming if he is ever caught cheating again or whatever that the consequence is A, B, and C...but for him to do so? It really smells baaaaad.

Like for example...is he hiding money? accounts? investments? You sign that paper claiming only what is there and boom! He walks with whatever he has smuggled away and technically ANYTHING not specifically stated in the paper. ANYTHING....A WS is the last person I would be signing documents with. JMHO is all.

Be careful

RebornMan