Hey all,

My wife and I just spent half the night negotiating the beginnings of NC between her and the OM. It's tenuous at best, but she's agreed to go day to day refusing contact with him. I told her I'd post here asking for some support in her decision and some suggestions on how she can maintain this and fill the void that she is going to experience, as well as overcome the sadness. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

FYI: I've just posted this same message to the Emotional Needs forum, where I normally participate. She reads here, so I wanted to get the regulars here to chime in if possible. Thanks.

You two need to start recreatinal activities My WH and I have started playing darts again. Spend more time in contact daily. A daily NC is not what is needed - a total commitment is what is needed. I wish you both well.

If your wife truly realizes that she and she alone is responsible for her affair --- indenpendent of whether or not you were fulfilling her most important emotional needs --- and if she truly realizes the depth of the wound her actions have caused you and is truly committed to helping you recover, she will realize that NC is absolutely necessary and that she can never again in her entire life communicate with the OM in any way whatsoever.

I hope she is committed and that you can spend lots of time together. I hope that she knows that you will be kind and patient and willing to support her through the pain of withdrawal.

Mike,
This will not be an easy task for your wife. As a WS you will need to put some boundaries up for her and your self to make you both feel safe.
The trust issue must be rebuilt.
It is difficult to cut a relationship with someone cold turkey. It is like taking yourself off of a drug that you have become addicted to.

Some suggestions that worked for my situation. Fill your calendar up with activities for you and your wife to enjoy each other's company again. I started having lunches with my spouse at least a couple of times a week during work hours. It was good for the both of us. We didn't talk about problems we just chatted and enjoyed the food and the day. It was a good time to discuss what our kids were doing and projects that we wanted to work on around the house. Normalcy being regained.

He had access to my cell phone anytime that he wanted so that he could check numbers and who I had called. We also had full access to each other's email accounts and could check them at anytime. Acutally that was a good thing because if an important message had been left for the other and that person wasn't home at the time we could relay it.

Everytime that I felt like I was having a weak moment I would call my spouse just to talk and the moment would pass. Did we have our slip ups? Sure. They will happen, that does not mean that your rebuilding time is over. It just takes time to rebuild. Your wife is in a fog. Give her time for the fog to clear.

The best advice I can give is not to place yourself anywhere where you will run into the OM again. I had worked with him and my job ended in the office where we had worked together. It was a blessing for me because I would not be in contact with him at all. Out of sight out of mind. I never stepped back into the office I had worked with again.
You will care about the other person and will want to know that their recovery is going well. That was the only reason for contact that I ever had. It was never to restart something that I knew was over and never meant to be in the first place.

Give your wife a lot of affection, a hug when she gets that look in her eye that she is drifting into the fog again.
Marriage is difficult. Worth all of the work that we put into it? Most certainly. Out of the ashes good things can grow. Even though I would never wish this tradgedy on my family again my spouse and I have learned how precious love is, it is caring for each other and wanting the best for your spouse. Your are the answer to your spouses needs. Just help her to realize that she can be transparent with you and lean on you in this time of insecurity and withdrawal.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Gypsy Wind

Thanks for your comments, all.

GypsyWind, I asked her just now if she'd be willing to call me whenever she has the urge to call him and she seems receptive to it. Trust me, we understand the drug similarities. She's currently in recovery herself in NA. No worries about seeing the OM. It was an online affair (or still is, I should say) that is now in its seventh or eighth month. He's 3000 miles away. Thanks again.