ugh. day by day...yeah. Well, I have been doing better with controlling my actions anyway. I am a little confused as I have been reading more on the discussion boards though. Maybe I just need to go back and read more on the site, because I'm not sure what else I should be doing. I mean, just try to survive and make him happy and hope it brings him out of his "fog"? I just feel so...blah. So unhappy and frustrated. I just want my husband back...the real him I know is in there somewhere. I hate having to keep myself in check all the time when he gets to act like a complete jerk...this sucks. Am I allowed to talk to him about OW at all? Should I just snoop around and look for the answers myself? He says he is still keeping up with NC and that he is trying to work on our marriage and his feelings for me, but he doesnt even know hes in withdraw, but says hes not ready to do more right now...like take LB questions, read the site, etc. He says I just want things my way. I dont know what else to do, I cant talk to him about anything. It has been better since I've really been putting the advice to use. But...is this all there is for now?

Fumbling, I went back and read your thread on recovery. Have you read the site in detail or just the message board? Have you read WAT's quickstart guide for betrayed spouses ? Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs or Love Busters? It sounds like you are expecting your H to fill your EN's while he is likely in withdrawl. Have you confirmed NC? Did he send a NC letter?

faithful, thanks for the reply. I have read most of the site in detail and went back to reread some lastnight. I have not read any of the books...only because i dont have the money to get them right now. I did read WAT'S guide which is very helpful...thanks. Yes, I have confirmed NC as much as I can. They talked on the internet alot and I know that over with, he has shown me that she is off all of his friends lists and I know he hasn't been talking to her anywhere else. He did a NC phone call about 6 weeks ago, and about 2 weeks after revealing the EA to me. I guess I'm just impatient with this withdrawl. I'm a little confused cause I fell like I should be doing more I guess. So, I have to wait till he's ready to start working more on the M? What else can I do myself to help him get through withdraw? Thanks for the help...I'm sorry I can't grasp some of this sometimes.

read everything that's offerred on the home page

try your library

i found that the branches of my local library had 2 of the books i wanted.

avoiding love busters and his needs/her needs

i ended up buying my own copies to keep later

i had already bought surviving an affair but they may have had that also

Fumbling,

If you have made the decision to be in this for then long haul then you will have to find a way to control the frustration. I know how it feels and it sux. But at the same time I have found that my frustration is showing me MY weaknesses as a husband and father. Gives me the insite to be a better all a round person.

I have found that our recovery has been very slow, but not without advances -- no matter how small. Some time hardly perceptable, and yet still there.

If you choose to do it, YOU CAN DO IT.

It has been 10 months since dday for me and last night/this morning is the first time in years that EL has felt the urge to brush my face with her hand in the morning or spoon up behind me as I was almost asleep. Both with a quiet, almost not there, yet heart felt 'I love you baby'.

These are things I thought would never happen just a week ago.

This time is really all about being the best person we can be, so that we transform for life. This does not mean that I have not stood up for myself when being attacked though.

I have found that taking things one day at a time and doing things I should have been doing all along has made the wait worth it.

When EL is frustrated and points it toward me she can no longer say that I have not been a good husband or father. It shuts her down rather quickly which gives me confirmation that I am doing the right things.

And YES! It seemed like an eternity all wrapped up in the last 10 months.

Good luck to you and maybe change your name....Fumbling is a self fulfilling profecy(sp?). How about something like...Doing. We all fumble, but what good is there in reminding ourselves? (Just my 2 cents)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eav made some good suugestions. Go the the library or find a comfy couch in a bookstore and glance through a few chapts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Check out Amazon or ebay for used books. Hey if you get desparate, post an add on the Craig's list in your area. Who knows if there are extra copies out there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

My brother practically had to have his mail forwarded to Barnes and Noble, because he was there 8+ hours a day doing the only kind of legal shoplifting I know of. Even if it takes you a while, if all else fails you can read it right there in the bookstore.

wow, thanks for all the great replies! I guess that's all I can do for now. I'm going to go check the library sometime soon...I just thought of that today before I got on here...I guess they might have the books i want. Also, if I can only get one book at a time, I'm guessing I should start with Surviving an Affair? Then His Needs/Her Needs, or Lovebusters? I want to read all of them, but I can't do it at the same time anyhow. Also , on the upside, I got a job today! Which was definitely one of the problems...my H feels tired of working all the time...I have been going to school for 3 years and not working...actually I haven't really worked since we've been together. doh. Hope it helps...I know it will help me to not sit around dwelling all the time. To not so you neak, I can't believe he didn't get kicked out! lol. To Greergan...I didn't realize it was spelled wrong. hmmm...ohwell. I think of "fumbling" as sort of struggling my way through this crap...which is true. And I like your signature too btw. Are you a practicing yogi? Namaste'

Nope, no yoga here.

I just realy, realy like the word and it's meaning. To me it is realy elegant and powerful.

You will get where you want/need to be. Just keep at it for yourself.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks everyone for the responses. I found out that my local library has "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs/Her Needs!" I'm going to go pick them up tommorrow. I hope they help, I know the advice here does anyway. So today was a good day, me and H went kayaking on the Allegheny River and things seemed almost like old times! We played around, splashing and rocking the boat, etc. He has started doing things like calling me "honey" again and rolling over at night to put his arm around me. I just have to keep myself positive, I guess it's normal to go back and forth with yourself. I keep thinking things like, maybe he wont ever love me like he used to, and what if nothing i do is ever good enough, and is he really just in withdrawl, and am i missing something that i should be doing? should i be asking him to help me work on thing yet? should i just wait till i get a sign from him that hes more ready? I'm thankful that I can see some improvements, but I just can't help worrying and feeling insecure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> any thoughts on this update would be appreciated!