New here, I cheated on my husband :O( - 04/17/06 08:07 PM
Hi, I am new here. I'm really not sure where to start...I guess I’ll jump in with both feet and go from there. If I leave anything out or I confuse anyone, please let me know and I will try to clarify…
I’m 32 years old, my husband is 37. I met and fell in love with BH when I was 16 years old. We were engaged when I was 17, married at 18; had our first (special needs) daughter when I was 20 and our second daughter when I was 22. Never once in my life did I ever plan, think, or imagine that I would cheat on my husband, my best friend. I couldn’t stand people who had affairs! I feel like a first class (low class) hypocrite. There are days I still can’t believe that I cheated on him; it doesn’t feel real; it doesn’t feel like something I would do…but that is exactly what I did, I had an affair! I am not in denial about what I did, I KNOW that I cheated on my husband, I know what I did was horribly wrong. I will be sorry for the affairs every day for the rest of my life.
I also know that I love my husband with every fiber of my being; my heart and soul and I will do everything in my power to make my marriage work. That’s why I am here at MB. I need help so badly; I don’t want to lose him or my marriage. Unfortunately, I’m not sure my husband feels the same way; he can’t stand the sight of me some times. I don’t blame him because I feel the same way about myself. It all hurts so badly and so deeply. I can only imagine the pain I inflicted on him.
He told me that he still loves me. I believe him. He is so confused and mixed up that he doesn’t know what he should do about our marriage, our relationship, or even what to do for himself or his own sanity. He said he’d stay in the marriage if I wanted him to stay or if I wanted him to stay for our daughters’ sake, he would. As much as I love him, I can’t expect him to stay if those are the only reasons. I want him with me only if he wants to be with me. He doesn’t know.
Roughly 8 years ago, when I was a SAHM, my husband got laid off. It wasn’t the first time he had been laid off but it affected him deeply. He completely shut down physically and emotionally. He went into a depression, he denied it. I felt alone, unloved, undesirable; like the kids and I were excess baggage to him. I did try to talk to him but he didn’t understand why I would feel the way I did. I leaned on my best friend for help and support. It was during this time that I met her brother in law and got to know him. He seemed to be everything my husband wasn’t at the time, I had a strictly one sided EA (it was one sided because the OP wasn’t even aware of my feelings for him). I felt so guilty for caring for someone other than my husband, and I didn’t know how to tell him, one night while he was at work (he found work during this time frame), I packed up my daughters and I left. We saw each other 3 days after I had left. We talked, mostly about my feelings. I admitted that I left because I had feelings for someone else but I had never acted upon them. He said it was “an eye opener” for him; that he saw the errors he/we both made, etc. and he asked me to give him one more chance to make it work. If it didn’t work out, I was free to leave. Everything (seemed) ok for a few years, or so I thought. (He has since told me that for all these years he’s pushed everything down, pretended my first EA never happened; even though in the back of his mind always figured I was going to go eventually.)
We went online during this time. I got to know a local man; we talked off and on (only online) for the last 3 years or so. My husband didn’t know I chatted with this man even though there weren’t any emotions or feelings other than friendship involved – at least on my part. It was just nice to have “someone on the outside” to talk to, who didn’t judge me. I do know now that this is and was wrong.
My husband was laid off and started a job he had had in the past but he was again so unhappy there...back to the way he had been before. No emotions, not caring, etc. He looked for work elsewhere and found a job he enjoyed. This was approximately 2 years ago; though he seemed to enjoy the job he’s in, he still seemed emotionally distant; like he could care less - about mostly me. He just didn’t seem to notice anything or want anything. In this new job he made a good friend. This friend dropped in to visit him/us on numerous occasions. We didn’t particularly care for some of his traits or habits but we, our daughters included, all liked him and enjoyed having him around. My husband and I both knew his marriage and family life was rocky, at best. My husband and I were both there for him. I cared for him, I felt almost like I wanted to protect him. We were never alone with each other but we flirted, joked around, etc. with my husband there. My husband never said or did anything. He didn’t seem to notice.
On different occasions, I’d mention that I was going to take our daughters swimming or where ever and did he (my husband) want to join us…he more often than not, he said no; he wanted to stay home. If his friend was around, the friend would usually join the kids and me. My husband knew this but stayed home regardless.
I am not blaming my husband for what happened but I really did believe that it got to the point my husband could care less what I did, or who I did it with. I felt like he didn’t love or want me anymore; he was only going through the motions. The friend and I flirted and kidded around right in front of my husband; he never said anything to either of us about it or seemed to care one way or the other. Unfortunately, it didn’t take very long for the friend and me to make it into more than just a friendship and we started sneaking around.
I’ll be completely honest, I felt good when I was with the OM; I felt like he cared, he wanted to see me, be with me. We talked about anything and everything. I was so confused.
Around early September I told my husband I was moving out, that I had to try to figure out what was going on in my head (though I still adamantly denied any affair). My husband asked me to hold off leaving until after Christmas for the kid’s sake. In early September it was an EA but by mid to late September, it was an E and PA. Unfortunately the man my husband talked to about our marriage problems was the OM. It was/is such an awful situation.
I have no idea what I was thinking at the time, I won’t make excuses. I don’t know if I thought that since I had told my husband I was leaving that I figured I “excused” myself so I could go farther with the affair or what; that is most likely it I guess. I was going with what felt good at the time and not what was right. Also, the ‘online guy’ that I had talked to for the last few years was now also in the picture, sort of. I got completely ticked off at the OM one night that I hooked up with ‘online guy’ and had sex with him. So, I not only cheated on my husband, I also cheated on the OM (he doesn’t know about this to this day, my husband does). I was with ‘online guy’ twice. I do not have, nor had I, any emotional or physical attachment to this man - I feel awful about it but I completely used him.
The OM and I had an E and PA right through until mid December (by this time we were both saying that we loved each other). Around this time in December, his wife found a note from me; I hadn’t signed it so I’m not sure what exactly happened or what was said between the OM and his wife. All I do know was that the OM and I rarely spoke (only on the phone a couple of times) and we never met secretly again, though I had wanted to meet; I wanted to know what had happened between OM and his wife and what he wanted to do about us.
I moved out in late January. I told my husband I was moving out so I could try to straighten out my head, to figure out what I wanted in life. I was still confused about what to do about the affair, the OM, and/or my marriage. How could I tell my husband, the man I always thought of as my soul mate, that I cheated on him? I knew he was hurting and suspected an affair but I didn’t want to remove all doubt, confirm it, and break his heart. I had no idea what to do or say; I told my husband and family so many lies. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
On March 9th, my husband found letters I sent the OM through email. I told him more lies, that it was only an “email affair”, nothing sexual had happened, etc, etc…the truth is, now I get nauseous thinking about my own lies. My husband wouldn’t let it go and kept pushing me and pushing me to tell the truth until one day I did…I told him everything, about the OM and myself and even everything about ‘online guy’. There is nothing that I can think of that I did not tell my husband.
He asks me questions about everything and I am completely honest with him. I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore. Is this the right thing to do? He asks me about places OM and I have gone together, sexual positions/techniques, etc…I will not lie to him anymore. Even though I’m honest, when I answer his questions, it still hurts him and he wants to know why he wants to know these things when they make him feel worse…? (Is this normal?) I don’t know about this but if he wants to know, I will tell him.
I am sorry this is so long; I hope it makes some sort of sense. We just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. We are still awaiting a call back for counseling but what do we do in the meantime? My husband may write his story, I hope he does. I want to know how we can start building our marriage. We really, really need some help and suggestions.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Rachel AKA GerrysLuv (hopefully I'll still be his wife and love forever)
I’m 32 years old, my husband is 37. I met and fell in love with BH when I was 16 years old. We were engaged when I was 17, married at 18; had our first (special needs) daughter when I was 20 and our second daughter when I was 22. Never once in my life did I ever plan, think, or imagine that I would cheat on my husband, my best friend. I couldn’t stand people who had affairs! I feel like a first class (low class) hypocrite. There are days I still can’t believe that I cheated on him; it doesn’t feel real; it doesn’t feel like something I would do…but that is exactly what I did, I had an affair! I am not in denial about what I did, I KNOW that I cheated on my husband, I know what I did was horribly wrong. I will be sorry for the affairs every day for the rest of my life.
I also know that I love my husband with every fiber of my being; my heart and soul and I will do everything in my power to make my marriage work. That’s why I am here at MB. I need help so badly; I don’t want to lose him or my marriage. Unfortunately, I’m not sure my husband feels the same way; he can’t stand the sight of me some times. I don’t blame him because I feel the same way about myself. It all hurts so badly and so deeply. I can only imagine the pain I inflicted on him.
He told me that he still loves me. I believe him. He is so confused and mixed up that he doesn’t know what he should do about our marriage, our relationship, or even what to do for himself or his own sanity. He said he’d stay in the marriage if I wanted him to stay or if I wanted him to stay for our daughters’ sake, he would. As much as I love him, I can’t expect him to stay if those are the only reasons. I want him with me only if he wants to be with me. He doesn’t know.
Roughly 8 years ago, when I was a SAHM, my husband got laid off. It wasn’t the first time he had been laid off but it affected him deeply. He completely shut down physically and emotionally. He went into a depression, he denied it. I felt alone, unloved, undesirable; like the kids and I were excess baggage to him. I did try to talk to him but he didn’t understand why I would feel the way I did. I leaned on my best friend for help and support. It was during this time that I met her brother in law and got to know him. He seemed to be everything my husband wasn’t at the time, I had a strictly one sided EA (it was one sided because the OP wasn’t even aware of my feelings for him). I felt so guilty for caring for someone other than my husband, and I didn’t know how to tell him, one night while he was at work (he found work during this time frame), I packed up my daughters and I left. We saw each other 3 days after I had left. We talked, mostly about my feelings. I admitted that I left because I had feelings for someone else but I had never acted upon them. He said it was “an eye opener” for him; that he saw the errors he/we both made, etc. and he asked me to give him one more chance to make it work. If it didn’t work out, I was free to leave. Everything (seemed) ok for a few years, or so I thought. (He has since told me that for all these years he’s pushed everything down, pretended my first EA never happened; even though in the back of his mind always figured I was going to go eventually.)
We went online during this time. I got to know a local man; we talked off and on (only online) for the last 3 years or so. My husband didn’t know I chatted with this man even though there weren’t any emotions or feelings other than friendship involved – at least on my part. It was just nice to have “someone on the outside” to talk to, who didn’t judge me. I do know now that this is and was wrong.
My husband was laid off and started a job he had had in the past but he was again so unhappy there...back to the way he had been before. No emotions, not caring, etc. He looked for work elsewhere and found a job he enjoyed. This was approximately 2 years ago; though he seemed to enjoy the job he’s in, he still seemed emotionally distant; like he could care less - about mostly me. He just didn’t seem to notice anything or want anything. In this new job he made a good friend. This friend dropped in to visit him/us on numerous occasions. We didn’t particularly care for some of his traits or habits but we, our daughters included, all liked him and enjoyed having him around. My husband and I both knew his marriage and family life was rocky, at best. My husband and I were both there for him. I cared for him, I felt almost like I wanted to protect him. We were never alone with each other but we flirted, joked around, etc. with my husband there. My husband never said or did anything. He didn’t seem to notice.
On different occasions, I’d mention that I was going to take our daughters swimming or where ever and did he (my husband) want to join us…he more often than not, he said no; he wanted to stay home. If his friend was around, the friend would usually join the kids and me. My husband knew this but stayed home regardless.
I am not blaming my husband for what happened but I really did believe that it got to the point my husband could care less what I did, or who I did it with. I felt like he didn’t love or want me anymore; he was only going through the motions. The friend and I flirted and kidded around right in front of my husband; he never said anything to either of us about it or seemed to care one way or the other. Unfortunately, it didn’t take very long for the friend and me to make it into more than just a friendship and we started sneaking around.
I’ll be completely honest, I felt good when I was with the OM; I felt like he cared, he wanted to see me, be with me. We talked about anything and everything. I was so confused.
Around early September I told my husband I was moving out, that I had to try to figure out what was going on in my head (though I still adamantly denied any affair). My husband asked me to hold off leaving until after Christmas for the kid’s sake. In early September it was an EA but by mid to late September, it was an E and PA. Unfortunately the man my husband talked to about our marriage problems was the OM. It was/is such an awful situation.
I have no idea what I was thinking at the time, I won’t make excuses. I don’t know if I thought that since I had told my husband I was leaving that I figured I “excused” myself so I could go farther with the affair or what; that is most likely it I guess. I was going with what felt good at the time and not what was right. Also, the ‘online guy’ that I had talked to for the last few years was now also in the picture, sort of. I got completely ticked off at the OM one night that I hooked up with ‘online guy’ and had sex with him. So, I not only cheated on my husband, I also cheated on the OM (he doesn’t know about this to this day, my husband does). I was with ‘online guy’ twice. I do not have, nor had I, any emotional or physical attachment to this man - I feel awful about it but I completely used him.
The OM and I had an E and PA right through until mid December (by this time we were both saying that we loved each other). Around this time in December, his wife found a note from me; I hadn’t signed it so I’m not sure what exactly happened or what was said between the OM and his wife. All I do know was that the OM and I rarely spoke (only on the phone a couple of times) and we never met secretly again, though I had wanted to meet; I wanted to know what had happened between OM and his wife and what he wanted to do about us.
I moved out in late January. I told my husband I was moving out so I could try to straighten out my head, to figure out what I wanted in life. I was still confused about what to do about the affair, the OM, and/or my marriage. How could I tell my husband, the man I always thought of as my soul mate, that I cheated on him? I knew he was hurting and suspected an affair but I didn’t want to remove all doubt, confirm it, and break his heart. I had no idea what to do or say; I told my husband and family so many lies. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
On March 9th, my husband found letters I sent the OM through email. I told him more lies, that it was only an “email affair”, nothing sexual had happened, etc, etc…the truth is, now I get nauseous thinking about my own lies. My husband wouldn’t let it go and kept pushing me and pushing me to tell the truth until one day I did…I told him everything, about the OM and myself and even everything about ‘online guy’. There is nothing that I can think of that I did not tell my husband.
He asks me questions about everything and I am completely honest with him. I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore. Is this the right thing to do? He asks me about places OM and I have gone together, sexual positions/techniques, etc…I will not lie to him anymore. Even though I’m honest, when I answer his questions, it still hurts him and he wants to know why he wants to know these things when they make him feel worse…? (Is this normal?) I don’t know about this but if he wants to know, I will tell him.
I am sorry this is so long; I hope it makes some sort of sense. We just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. We are still awaiting a call back for counseling but what do we do in the meantime? My husband may write his story, I hope he does. I want to know how we can start building our marriage. We really, really need some help and suggestions.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Rachel AKA GerrysLuv (hopefully I'll still be his wife and love forever)