Hello,

Recently I found myself in the middle of a situation that I never thought I would be in. I found myself involved in an internet affair. Fortunately I came to my senses after only three weeks, only one cell phone call, about a half dozen online conversations. I have broke off all contact on my own. I changed my cell phone number. I deleted everything including my online profile and even the program for chatting online. I cut off contact about two weeks ago.

I would not even worry about this if it was not for the cell number. I am deeply committed to my marriage and my wife. I am embarrased and angry at myself that I allowed this to occur, but I feel fortunate that I had the self-control to stop it.

My question is, since my wife has absolutely no idea, no money was spent, and the worse that occured was some flirting and sex talk, do I tell her. I am torn between coming clean and taking my chances. I would be devastated if she found out any other way.

Suggestions would be welcome.

My opinion is that it is best you tell her in your own way than for it to ever come from her own self discovery or from someone else calling her. Believe me it is a lot less painful that way and you can plan what you want to say.

Any other way, and it's going to sound like you are trying to cover what you have done.

It is not going to be easy for her, but hearing it from you will be much better than her finding it out on her own.

Tell her what happened and what precautions you have taken to insure it not happening again.

Purchase the book His Needs Her Needs- the subtitle is affair proofing your marriage.

Work thru this book with her.

Send her here if she wants to talk with some of us who have been where she is now.

NDfan,

Quote My question is, since my wife has absolutely no idea


Don't bet your life on it.

Dude, I did the exact same thing in my marriage about 5 years ago. My internet affair lasted about 3 or 4 weeks and was very similar to what you described yours to be.

I think you should tell your wife.

I regret not telling my wife on my own. That is how a man would handle it, but I chose instead to handle it like a coward. I did nothing and eventually she discovered the cell phone records. I have regretted not telling her thousands of times. I'll never be able to change the way I handled the situation. YOU CAN.

For both of you, the right thing to do is to come clean. It will certainly ease your mind. Look, you made a mistake and then you realized what you were doing and have tried to correct the mistake. The final step in that corrective process is to tell your wife. Please tell her. I think you will end up wishing you had told her if you decide to remain silent.

Your wife will appreciate the fact that you had the courage to stand up, or sit down whichever the case may be, and tell her. I'm sure she'll be angry with you and you'll just have to endure that. That's the price you'll pay for your online fun. Eventually though, she will probably come to understand that you did the right thing by telling her, and she will feel less like she has to "check up" on you constantly. She will understand that the trust in your marraige was not shattered.............just banged up a bit. Certainly repairable.


You will appreciate the fact that you did something that took courage. You will feel better about yourself for not taking the coward's way out............like I did.

Tell your wife, she deserves to know.

thanks for listening.

-Chris

Another thought is you can even have a plan to go along with this for accountability for the future. You can show that you have earnestly thought about it and how it has burdened you. If you belong to a church or a mens group, maybe you have someone you can trust that will hold you accountable to ask you the tough question are you staying out of the chat programs. Sometimes offering postives steps is very postive to the spouse in helping them see how genuine you are about you seeking their forgiveness.

Thank you for the input. Do you think I have taken all of the necessary steps to cease this activity? I realize that ultimately the responsibility rests with my own personal conduct, but if there are any other suggestions that you have I would appreciate them.

NDfan,

I am the BS. My FWH had a short-term internet affair. What I wanted from my FWH was complete and total transparency. That meant I had all email passwords, cellphone records, etc. After a while, my FWH installed blocking and monitoring software through our network router so that I can see where he has surfed, emails he receives and sends, instant messaging activity, etc. It is accessible remotely so I can even monitor from work. This helped me tremendously.

Make the offer to put this on your computer. You won't regret it. It is a huge step in proving you return to trustworthiness.

I agree with eaglesoar, there are some great software products to help maintain accountability. I know many men in my SA accountability group use them and let someone else hold the acount controls and monitor what they do. If you always have someone looking over your shoulder you are less likely to do something you shouldn't. It's like when a friend of mine realized a camera was up in the office. It wasn't that he was doing anything wrong, but after he knew it was there, he sure was worried about the things he did which might get caught on the camera. ie...picking his nose

Thank you for that input. In fact most of those steps I have taken voluntarily. The positive thing that has come out of this I have evaluated many different parts of my life.

One of these is the wake up call that this bull about online activity being harmless. It is not harmless. The stress and anxiety that I have experienced over a half dozen online chats and a single three-minute phone call has been terrible. The sad part is that all this stress was for nothing. Not a single remarkable thing occured.

The problem with the online activity is that people are deluded into thinking that the anonymity protects them. In a two week period, I did a couple of things that I would never have even considered doing in person. It is alarming how quickly people get trapped by this. I am so thankful that I came to my senses and stopped before irrepairable damage occured. Once I realized how self-destructive I was being, cutting off ALL contact immediately was an easy choice.

If anyone is reading this and they are considering their choices about this "harmless" activity, choose NO. It is anything but harmless.