Just Learning suggested I let some of you know about the impact sexual abuse can have when infidelity happens.

I am a little short on time but thought I would post some links I save from years back on the old Marriage Builder's board that talked about exactly those two areas. Hopefully I will be able to jump in later and add to your thoughts after you read the old posts:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=018568;p=1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=013442;p=1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=019486

I am sure some of the things expressed will probably cover what a lot of you are curious about.

Several posters list links and books they found helpful in dealing with sex abuse in marriages also struggling with infidelity. (myself included)

Hope they help and will check back in later.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Stunned,
Thank you for posting this. I'm not the person JL had in mind when he asked you to do this, but it's exactly what I'm struggling with right now. (In fact, I had given you a shout-out in Recovery, but addressed it to the wrong "Dad" -- "Sad" instead of "Stunned". oops.) I just got done reading the first thread. So many helpful little "nuggets" in there. Mostly, it's just nice to know I'm not alone. I mean, I've known for a long time that it happens to a lot of people. But I never knew that so many of us had the same screwed-up ways of dealing/NOT dealing with it. What I didn't see there was any discussion about the connection between CSA and adultry. Maybe that's in the other threads. I'll keep reading. In the meantime, I just wanted you to know that at least one person here is benefiting from your efforts. Thanks again.
--SC

I watched Forrest Gump last night and it has a perfect example of someone dealing with sexual abuse issues from childhood. Jenny is going from relationship to relationship, from drug to drug, from abuse to what means will fill her life now. And the one person who cares for her is always treated with the least of respect.

AskMe,
The question is, why?

The links I’ve provided in this post may help to shed extra light on this topic (the link between infidelity and CSA).

Everything boils down to the fact that CSA (and other types of severe child abuse) changes the core of a person… A survivor of child abuse have a dysfunctional & weak foundation from the VERY beginning and it also persist into adulthood if proper help, support, guidance and counseling aren’t received by the child early on...and sadly most children who are sexually abused, stay quite about it until many years later...sometimes for up to 40 – 50 years before they finally reach out for help (in my case it was 25 years). IMO untreated CSA issues can lead to emotional vulnerability in adults and therefore play a role in infidelity as well.

All the material I have read regarding CSA so far says across the board that abuse victims are more likely to have relationship problems, sexual dysfunction, low self esteem, trust issues and so on and this is especially true for CSA survivors. All of those problems are key factors in infidelity. Plus the cited study of CSA leading to depression and other psychiatric disorders.

For example, according to this article and the research done, women who were sexually or physically abused as children may have alterations in their brain chemistry that make them prone to depression and anxiety. In a study, the increased hormonal responses to stress may explain why women who were abused as children are at high risk of major depression and anxiety disorders. (This is the main reason I personally suffer from OCD, depression & anxiety and use chronic medication for these disorders).

The above article says that future research will clearly confirm that abuse at an early age not only causes emotional symptoms as an adult, but most of the physical health problems they suffer with.

If all factors is taking into account, it's clear that there is a connection between low self-esteem and infidelity; between depression and infidelity; between relationship problems and infidelity etc. From what I’ve read so far there is definitely a connection between low self-esteem and infidelity - and low self-esteem is one of the things survivors of CSA usually struggle the most with for various reasons.

Here is a link to a thread about OCD, Depression and Affairs. In this thread I’ve shared how the OCD and depression personally impacted my infidelity and recovery afterwards. Since CSA is one of the components which led to my mental disorders; self-esteem issues etc., I thought it was important to share the above thread as well. It might help to give someone more insight into this complex issue.

And lastly, this post will give some insight on what was personally the most helpful to me to help overcome and get pass the sexual (and other abuse) I endured as a child.

Were you asking why "the one person who cares for her is always treated with the least of respect?"

If that is the question, then let me go on with an answer. Every night our dog will come to my side of the bed and nuzzle me to wake me up to take her downstairs for water and to go outside. She always does it about 2am in the morning. If she does it to my wife, my wife pushes her away or will lock her in the other room. I always get up and take her downstairs, give her water and take her out.

Now, why is the person who cares for her the most, treated with the least respect?

Hopefully you figured it out with my example above, the person who cares to much usually lets them over step their boundaries and the other person takes advantage of it. They were always acting out.

Why? Many reasons...one may be, we don't feel worthy to be loved. No matter what the circumstances there is a part of us that feels guilty for what we "did"....I know, I know, it was not our fault, but that is very hard to believe, and if we were so worng to "let" this happen to us, then we don't deserve love...

Stunned,
Are you still around? Or is anyone else around with knowledge or experience in this area? I have a question.
Thanks,
--SC

Smartcookie

I have a friend who has read this thread and found it very relevant to her. Would you be willing to connect with her through email? It would mean a lot.

I don't mean for it to seem so mysterious. I can explain more in email.



Thanks!
hns

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