My FWH and I are doing good and rebuilding etc. My biggest problem is anytime one of my teenage boys is disrespectful or lies to me, I blow it completely out of proportion. It feels like the betrayal my husband inflicted on me with his A. I have no tolerance for anything that I don't like going on.
I am aware of the injustice of this as it is happening, but can't seem to curb myself. My anger at my H from that time spills over into everyday life often.
I was always so easy going before and never let small things bother me. Now I have the attitude that is strictly "please me or beware". I always think to myself that I will not be a doormat anymore. Some of that is good, but I know I have taken it too far.

Today I got in a stew about the Nanny I hired to help with my new granddaughter wanting Monday and Tuesday off to help another woman in an family emergency. Totally understandable and nice of her to want to help, but what am I supposed to do? It too late to find a replacement for those days. Why should I suffer for a woman I don't even know? Am I selfish? YES!!! I never was like this before and can't decide if it is sick or am I finally putting me first for a change.

Sounds like you swung the pendulum the other way. Do you feel you have gotten closure or r u using this to as you say 'transfer your anger'? Get ahold of this and quickly..... you will lose those around you if you don't.

How is your H helping you heal? R U doing most of your healing on your own? Is there a tendancy on the Xws' part to 'just forget it and move on'?

Can you call Steve H @ MB to get a solid personal recovery plan in place?

L.

My H is transparent and does anything I ask. We would appear to be happy and I am content until someone crosses me. It feels like I am free for the first time to have an opinion and I really express it! No holds barred! I was so willing to take a backseat to any opinion my husband had before that this is shocking to me and everyone else. I like that but don't like the anger that comes up in me with it.

Not good enough. That's a diaster waitiing to happen. What would happen if he ever fogged up...again? No you need more than a transparent H. You need an H who is working to solidfy his M not have you walking on glass.

L.

I don't understand.

What if you don't ask? If he only sees your pain and suffering. Do you show it to him and if so, what does he do? If you don't how does he know how you are really feeling?

L.

Well, I had a bad 3 or 4 months at first. We did some MC and IC for me. Maybe I need more, but I had a hard time finding a therapist that I liked. I went thru 4 and finally gave up. We started having a session between us every saturday afternoon. I told him all the things that were bothering me and asked questions which he answered. Our rule was that I could rant, cry and ask anything, He couldn't defend or excuse only answer honestly. We did that for a couple of months until I didn't have anything to ask or any issues to talk about anymore. I really don't feel angry at him and we seem to be doing really well. I trust him again (not blindly like before) but until he proves me wrong.

I guess my anger at everyone else needs more therapy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you need closure.

If you don't initiate anything, what does he do?

L.

He doesn't bring up the A unless I do. He makes sure I know where he is at all times and calls. He compliments me constantly and brings home lot of presents. I notice he makes lots of small talk and tries to be charming. Lots of SF, he thought that made me less upset in the early days after discovery it still continues but not on a daily basis. Beyond that our life is not that different.

Anger is a wonderful emotion as it has the abilty to motivate change in us.

It also has the abilty to mutate- if we let it.

There are ways to express your anger or disappointments in a manner that is non threatening to others around you. As you said you dont mind your new found you in being able to express your opinions now... I think thats great...its just how you are now sending that message that seems to be the problem.

IC can definately help with this, helping you discover some new stratergies to deal with it. Even having a look around the net could possibly help you discover some new coping skills.

I'ts OK to get angry at times, so try not being so hard on yourself.

Max

I am not a professional but it sounds like you personally need closure and he probably does also but u 2 are handling it differently. Yours is showing up now which is normal for most BS and if he doesn't get closure, it will come up later. C/b years later.

See if you can make an appointment with a good MC familar with MB concepts or better yet, call Steve.

U R both closer to recovery than most at this stage but if you don't stay on top of it, it could go by the way side and send you both backwards. Not meant to scare you, meant to help you avoid further troubles.

See you both need to solidify your M not just glaze over it.

L.

Mad Max, You're right, it should be OK to be angry. It is bred out of "Southern Women" early as children.

Thanks Orchid,
I know you are probably right about me needing IC, and I suppose you mean H needs to know why he needed affairs. I do dread certain things coming up like the anniversary of my D Day. My real anniversary for our marriage just happened this last month. I felt nothing and couldn't find any happiness in it. Mostly I just ignored it. H bought me diamond earrings which was nice, but just money and easy for him. I know we are not recovered but I am able to begin enjoying my life again. That didn't seem possible a few months ago.

dkjj,

Howa' been? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.